Cradle Robber

Hi, my name is Eli.

ME: I'm begging you to stop destroying my life.

Meet my new boyfriend.

LIAM: What's the big deal, Eli? It's just a prom.
ME: I'm too old to be going to a prom!
LIAM: Noooo, because Shelly McGinty's boyfriend is going, and he's like thirty.
ME: Then, he's, like, a pedophile.
LIAM: You should talk.
ME: Why? Is Shelly McGinty a sexually manipulative hellspawn too?
LIAM: Sticks and stones, bitch.

We were outside Prisms at 2am--and it was a school night. That meant Liam should have been home, but he insisted on going to 80's night.

LIAM: I have free period first anyway.

Much like he insists that we have a relationship or he'll expose me to the RI-TRI Youth Division and get me in major trouble.

LIAM: I am so hammered.
ME: You drank?
LIAM: I wasn't at a barn-raising, Eli. It's a club. People drink.
ME: This is a disaster.
LIAM: What is?
ME: MY LIFE!

That was when Liam fell into my arms and passed out.

ME: Oh, give me a break!

Fortunately, I have friends who stand by me in times of trouble.

BILLY: You're such an idiot.

Unfortunately, none of them answered their phones.

ME: Look, I can't bring him home like this. I texted his parents from his phone and told them he was sleeping over a friend's house.
NATHAN: Gotta love technology.

Billy, Nathan, and Ritchie came to pick me up. They'd been out at Slice and were only to happy to witness my humiliation. Liam was still unconscious.

RITCHIE: So whose house are we bringing him to?
NATHAN: Don't look at me.
ME: Nathan!
NATHAN: No way. I'm not getting in on your little kiddie porn ring.
BILLY: We can take him to my dorm room until he wakes up.
RITCHIE: Aw, that's so nice of you, Billy.
BILLY: I know how it feels to pass out and wake up in a strange place. At least a dorm room won't scare him as much.
RITCHIE: Until he sees your Josh Groban posters.
BILLY: Oh shut up!

Liam opened his eyes and stared up at me with this really sweet expression.

LIAM: Eli?
ME: You're going to be okay.
LIAM: I'm going to--
ME: To what?

And he threw up on me.

NATHAN: I hope you know you're cleaning my backseat.

FML.