Rich Man, Poor Davis

Hi, my name is Davis.

TRAVIS: Are you coming back to bed?

This is my new boyfriend--Travis.

ME: I'll be right there.
TRAVIS: And put on those diamond briefs I bought you.

He's rich.

TRAVIS: And rip up twenty dollars for fun.

Very rich.

I was a little tired after spending all day in the hospital with Jeremy and his family. His twin brother, Jackson, one of my former flames, was rushed to the hospital after suffering a panic attack most likely brought on by the presence of the super-demon known as his mother, Joan.

After all that, I was thrilled to be staying over Travis' place--especially since his "place" is the penthouse at the Westin.

Ring, Ring.

I would have let it go to voicemail, but it came up--

"BITCHY RITCHIE"

--And I hadn't heard from him all summer.

TRAVIS: Davis?
ME: One second!

Hopefully he didn't want to cash in any of his friendly benefits. I don't have anything against hooking up with Ritchie, but Travis made it very clear that threeways aren't his thing.

TRAVIS: You're mine, only mine. If I ever find you with another man, both you and he are going to merge into the same body--extra limbs and all.

I thought he was joking until he stared at me for a solid minute without blinking.

Hey, nobody said it was easy living the good life. Remember how long Mariah was with that Italian gangster? Those were the "Emotions" years. She should have sucked it up and kept giving him the biscotti.

ME: Hello Ritchie.
RITCHIE: Hello stranger.
ME: Why am I the stranger?
RITCHIE: Because you haven't returned any of my calls.
ME: That's weird. This is the first one I've gotten from you.
RITCHIE: And this isn't even--
ME: My primary cell number, yeah. I left this one in Providence when I went with Jeremy to Florida.
RITCHIE: How did that go?
ME: Terribly. He and Billy are together and happy.
RITCHIE: God, that does sound awful.

Come to think of it, I hadn't gotten any phone calls in Florida...

I hadn't gotten any calls in awhile...

...Which, considering who I am, is downright alarming.

ME: So what have you been up to?
RITCHIE: Well, I have a dead person living in my guest bedroom.
ME: That's nice. Hey, I'm going to go. Travis is laying in bed waiting for me to help him pick out which country he wants to rent for the weekend. We're leaning towards Luxembourg.

There was an uncomfortable pause. I felt the turtle swim by...

RITCHIE: Davis, I know you got Travis' phone number out of my black book--
ME: Come on, Ritchie, all's fair in love and lucrative finances.
RITCHIE: I'm not angry. Actually, I'm more concerned.
ME: Concerned?
RITCHIE: Travis is insane.

Here we go. I knew he wasn't going to let me have Travis without trying to sabotage it. Ritchie hates being outplayed.

ME: Since when are you ever concerned about me?
RITCHIE: Davis, friends may come and go, but good fuck buddies who come over at 3am and leave before the sun comes up are a rare breed. I don't want to lose you.
ME: Well, I'm sorry, but you already have. John Davis was a free man for a long time, but now I'm off the market and I'm behaving.
RITCHIE: I meant 'lose you' as in 'lose you into a river while you're wearing a garbage bag.'
VOICE: JOHN!

I know I'm in trouble when he calls me 'John.'

ME: Gotta go.

I turned around to see Travis standing a few feet from me.

TRAVIS: Who were you talking to?
ME: Ritchie.
TRAVIS: Where did you get that phone?
ME: Um, it's my back-up.
TRAVIS: I wasn't aware you had a back-up.
ME: Yeah, and it's a good thing I do because my main one--

That was when I realized what was going on.

ME: Travis, did you do something to my phone?
TRAVIS: If by something you mean I'm having the incoming calls monitored, then yeah, I did a little something.
ME: Uh, that's not okay at all.

Travis walked up to me and put his hand firmly on my cheek.

TRAVIS: I want to make sure I know everything that's going on in your life.
ME: But--
TRAVIS: You're not Davis the Whore of Providence anymore.
ME: Actually, I was called the King--
TRAVIS: You're my boyfriend. Mine. That means nobody else comes near you or--

He took the phone and threw it against the wall.

TRAVIS: --Calls you.
ME: Travis--
TRAVIS: That includes Ritchie and those CBQ's. You're done with them. Do you understand?

Though I can usually handle myself in a fight, I've seen the black belt in Travis' karate belt room on the east side of the penthouse--and I know when I'm beat.

ME: I understand.
TRAVIS: Good.

He kissed me--hard.

TRAVIS: Now get that little ass into my bed. It's time we expanded your horizons.

As he walked away, I knew this little arrangement was over.

I was going to have to leave him.

Things were getting a little too Ike and Tina around here.