A Casting Call

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

BEN: I'm here to audition.

I didn't see this coming.

ME: Paige, you didn't tell me Ben was auditioning.
PAIGE: I thought it would be more fun to see your face when he walked in--and it was.
ME: Can you wait outside, please?
PAIGE: Are you two going to fight?
ME: No, I'm going to ask him to replace you as my stage manager.
PAIGE: Hahaha--you're kidding, right?
ME: Out--now.

I had rented a rehearsal/performance space in an arts village on the outskirts of Providence. I had meant to do it over the summer at OSC, but things got too hectic.

That turned out to be a blessing since now the whole thing seemed so...professional.

Now that it was clear my production of "Angels in America" was really going to happen, all sorts of people seemed to be coming out of the woodwork.

Case in point, the people auditioning for me today--

HANK: Hi, my name is Hank.
ME: Hank, I know who you are.
HANK: I'm trying to be professional, Jeremy!
ME: Okay, sorry. I respect that. What role are you auditioning for?
HANK: I have to audition? I thought you were just giving me something.
ME: Um...

. . . . .

CARTER: Hi, my name is Carter. I'm black.
ME: Carter, I know you're black.
CARTER: I just thought it was worth mentioning.
ME: You thought it was worth mentioning because there's a black character in the show and you're assuming that you're the only black guy auditioning?
CARTER: Jeremeeeee, I don't need to rely on the race card just to get a role.
ME: I'm sorry. I shouldn't have suggested otherwise.
CARTER: No other black guy showed up though, right?

. . . . .

HANK: Are you not going to give me a role because I broke up with your brother?
ME: Actually, that would probably help your chances of getting a role.

. . . . .

DAVIS: Hey.
ME: Davis? You're auditioning?
DAVIS: Absolutely not. I was just wondering how long you're going to be here. I want to go out tonight and Travis' is seizing a corporation in Japan.
ME: It might be a pretty late night.
DAVIS: Why? Having a hard time finding someone to play the Team Captain?
ME: Davis, are you thinking of "Angels in the Outfield?"
DAVIS: What else would I be thinking of?
ME: "Angels in"--yeah, never mind.

. . . . .

CARTER: So I can't play Beleeeze?
ME: I'll let you play Beleeze if you can explain the underlying themes of the play.
CARTER: Um...all gays go to Heaven?
ME: Don't call us, and we'll do the same.
CARTER: Us? But there's only one of you.
ME: NEXT!

. . . . .

Now Ben was standing in front of me.

Considering our mistake aka relationship ended when he suggested that I wasn't fit to play a role in "Angels in America," I was more than a little surprised to see him show up at the auditions.

ME: Here to remind me that I don't belong playing Joe?
BEN: Yes.
ME: Are you kidding me?
BEN: Look, Jeremy, you'd make a great Louis, but you're not a Joe.
ME: Luckily there's this thing called acting--
BEN: Jeremy--
ME: And I thought you wanted to be Louis.
BEN: Now, I think I should be Joe.
ME: Shocker.

He walked behind the table I was sitting at and took Paige's chair.

ME: You have walked behind the table, sir. Totally unprofessional.
BEN: I want to play Joe. I understand him.
ME: Then you can audition like everybody else.
BEN: Fine, I will, but you know I'd be great in that role.
ME: Even if you were, I'm not right for Louis.
BEN: Intelligent, talks a lot, bails on his lover--
ME: What lover have I ever bailed on?
BEN: Okay, so maybe that aspect is more like me--

I got up from the table.

ME: I'm taking a break.
BEN: Let me read for Joe.
ME: You really think we can work together?
BEN: Yes, I do. I think we'd work great together.
ME: You realize that we'd have to kiss?
BEN: Unless Billy's playing Prior, I don't see how that'd be a problem.

Silence.

BEN: Shut the--
ME: He did a good reading of it.
BEN: He'd be a TERRIBLE Prior!
ME: Criticize it after you see it--from the audience!
BEN: I'm reading for that role!
ME: Read for it then but YOU'RE NOT GETTING IT!
BEN: FAIR ENOUGH!

So he read for it. Then he left.

Paige came back with her clipboard.

PAIGE: I heard you two screaming. What happened?
ME: I just found my Joe.

Wait until I have to tell my boyfriend, that his boyfriend is playing his ex-boyfriend who leaves him for his ex-boyfriend.

That shouldn't be too complicated.