Billy's Boyfriend

Hi, my name is Billy.

JEREMY: Hey boyfriend.

I think I know why people have a hard time staying in relationships.

ME: Are you going to call me that forever?
JEREMY: Nope. One day we'll be eighty and you'll be affectionately known as 'Old Boyfriend.'
ME: Cute.
JEREMY: I try.

He is cute. And he's my boyfriend.

And I'm terrified.

Because of television.

JEREMY: I'm going to go check on the quiche.
ME: I didn't know you knew how to make quiche.
JEREMY: Well, if it turns out poorly it's an omelet.
ME: Deal.

We're hanging out at his apartment in his bedroom.

I think he wants tonight to be the night that...things...happen.

JEREMY: So do you want to watch a movie or something?
ME: We could just watch television.

Television--the devil.

And why?

Because television shows always tend to tank once the two characters everybody wants to see become a couple actually become a couple.

No wonder we all have such a hard time maintaining relationships.

We're taught to lose interest after the first kiss.

We love the romance but not the relationship.

We--

JEREMY: Billy?

I was zoning out.

ME: Sorry.
JEREMY: It's--
ME: I don't want to have sex!
JEREMY: Wow, I didn't realize quiche was such a turn-off.

I sat down on his bed.

ME: I just feel like there's all this build-up and--
JEREMY: You're scared we won't live up to the hype?
ME: Aren't you?

Jeremy sat down next to me.

JEREMY: Billy, I waited two years just to be able to call you my boyfriend. I could care less when we have sex.
ME: So you don't want to either?
JEREMY: Oh no, don't get me wrong. I really, really want to.
ME: Haha--
JEREMY: I mean, I really, really, really--

See? He's cute.

But what if we fizzle out?

I fell back on the bed.

ME: I'm afraid we're going to become boring.
JEREMY: Well, a life of celibacy tends to do that to people.
ME: I'm serious!
JEREMY: Who cares if we're interesting?

He kissed me lightly on the lips.

JEREMY: This is the first time in my life where I have never wanted to be anywhere other than where I am.
ME: Jeremy, you spent all this time putting me up on a pedestal. What if I don't live up to that?
JEREMY: Then I'll just dump you and start dating a twenty-two year old girl named Candy.

I hit him, but he grabbed my arm, so I had to swing my legs around and trap him that way.

JEREMY: Ahhh Little Shop of Horrors!
ME: SUBMIT!
JEREMY: NEVER!

We ended up rolling off the bed still locked up like a giant human pretzel.

That's when we saw Jackson in the doorway.

JACKSON: I see the tantric sex is starting already.

Jeremy managed to stand up.

JEREMY: I need to remember to get a lock.
JACKSON: Don't bother. Paige, Mom, and I are going looking for apartments.
VOICE: JACKSON! LET'S GO! I WANT TO LOOK AT THAT PLACE WITH THE HOT TUB!
JACKSON: If she tries it out in front of me, I'll probably throw up in it.
JEREMY: Just put a security deposit down first.

He shut the door. I hopped back up on the bed.

JEREMY: I think the quiche is done.
ME: Would it be okay if we let it turn into an omelet?
JEREMY: Sure, but--

I pulled him onto the bed, and kissed him.

ME: A really burnt omelet.

He laughed, and I started to take off his shirt.

I didn't know if we'd be able to keep our momentum going, but I was sure willing to give it a try.