Jeremy's Big Surprise

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

PAIGE: You're home!

I'm home.

Home is an apartment I share with my little sister, Paige, and my twin brother--

JACKSON: You're home!

Jackson, or The Bad One, as our elementary school teachers referred to him.

PAIGE: What happened to you swooping down to Florida to stop Billy from getting married?
VOICE: Turns out he wasn't getting married.

That voice belongs to--

DAVIS: He was rehearsing a scene when we called. In the scene he was--
ME: Getting married. I really should have called back.
VOICE: He really, really should have called back.

That voice belongs to my boyfriend.

BILLY: You should have seen them.

-- July 2009 --

Davis and I made it to the theater just as Billy was putting the ring on some girl's finger.

ME: Wait, is that a girl?
DAVIS: The little fucker turned on us.
ME: That doesn't make any--

But Davis was already through the door, up on the stage, and tackling Billy to the ground.

-- September 2009 --

BILLY: It didn't even occur to them to wonder why I'd be getting married in a theater.
ME: Personally, I think it's romantic. That's how I want us to get married.

We were all sitting in the living room. Davis was making himself something to eat in the kitchen. Paige and Jackson looked nervous for some reason.

ME: Hey, did something happen while I was gone?
JACKSON: Um...I'm sleeping with Hank now.
ME: Hmm, unsettling, but definitely not traumatizing enough to make you two look like deer in headlights.

Paige giggled--never a good sign.

BILLY: Is it the Wilde blog? Carter e-mailed me and told me it was back.
PAIGE: Actually, it's great now. You can tell it's run by a much smarter and cuter girl--I mean, person.
ME: Uh...huh.

That was when I heard a crash come from the kitchen.

ME: Davis? Are you okay?

Davis walked out of the kitchen looking like he'd seen a ghost.

DAVIS: Why didn't you tell me your mother was here?

I immediately jumped off the couch and began to scan the room for a crucifix.

ME: Why is she still here?
PAIGE: We can't send her back.
ME: Did you lose the receipt?
JACKSON: Crazy Stepdad Chris is looking for her. She stole his money.
ME: Yeah, to give to you after you hopped her up on pills!
DAVIS: She walked into the kitchen wearing a robe. I think I saw boob.
ALL: Ewww!

I grabbed one of my suitcases.

ME: Come on, Billy, we're leaving. You are not meeting my--
VOICE: Darling!

Good old Mom. Always did know how to make an entrance. I hear Great White Sharks have the same skill.

JOAN: Are you surprised?
ME: Terribly, terribly, terribly surprised, Mom.
JOAN: I spent all summer with your brother and sister, but I couldn't leave without getting just as much time with you!
JACKSON: Luckily, Autumn is much shorter season.
JOAN: SHUT UP, JACKSON!

She threw a glass against the wall. There was a silence.

JOAN: He always was the Bad One.

Knock, Knock.

DAVIS: I'll get it.
BILLY: Davis, you don't live here.
DAVIS: Yeah, but I'm leaving anyway.
JOAN: Oh! Don't let me scare you away, Davis!
JACKSON: She said something similar to the old priest right before he flew out the window.

Davis opened the door and there was Hank.

HANK: Is she here?
DAVIS: Yup.
HANK: I'm leaving.
DAVIS: Me, too.
HANK: Hey Jeremy! Let's catch up later!
ME: I hate you!
DAVIS: Bye buddy!
ME: I hate you both!

Mom sat down on the couch in between me and Billy.

JOAN: Sooo, who is THIS young man?
JACKSON: Billy, tell her you don't speak English. Then she'll hire you to clean our floors, but she won't say a word to you.
JOAN: DAMMIT, JACKSON!

I leaned back and Billy followed my lead.

ME: How would you feel about moving back to Florida?
BILLY: She's got her hand on my knee and I think it's made of solid ice.
JOAN: Now, now. No secrets from Mommy!

That was when Jackson fell over.

Literally.

PAIGE: Jackson!
JOAN: So dramatic.
BILLY: Um, he's not breathing.
ME: Paige, call 9-1-1.

I leaned over my brother's face--a face very similar to mine--which made it all the more creepy when he said:

"If anything happens to me, Mom did it."

And then he passed out.

JOAN: Is an ambulance really necessary? It's probably just a temper tantrum. God, I should have given at least one of you away to a barren couple somewhere. Two children who look the same is so unnecessary.

What a way to start the year.