Lunch with Mom

Hi, my name is Jackson.

JOAN:  I'm so happy we could spend some quality time together.
ME:  Are you still having trouble telling Jeremy and me apart after twenty-seven years?
JOAN:  Hahaha why do you always insist that I like your brother more than I like you?
ME:  Because when we were born you took him home and left me at the hospital with a note that said 'Careful with This One.'
JOAN:  You never could let go of the past.
ME:  What is it you want, Mom?

She leaned over her two pieces of lettuce and whispered to me.

JOAN:  I want to find a way to keep your brother here.
ME:  That's it?
JOAN:  He keeps talking about leaving.
ME:  That's what he says, but trust me, Mom, he's not going anywhere.
JOAN:  Are you sure?
ME:  Wouldn't he have left already?
VOICE:  Well hello!

We both turned to see Jeremy walking into the restaurant.

He sat down next to us.  I wondered if this was part of Mom's plan.

JOAN:  Sweetheart, we were just talking about you and your...plans.
JEREMY:  My plans?
JOAN:  Yes, as in, what are they?
ME:  Mom--
JEREMY:  Well, I'm leaving for New York tomorrow.
ME/MOM:  What?!
JEREMY:  I need to go back for at least a few weeks.
ME:  What about everything that's happening with Ben?  And now Billy?
JEREMY:  I can't get involved with anything that has to do with Billy.  I'm sure Nathan can handle this on his own.
MOM:  But what about me?  The Mother/Son Picnic for the East Siders Club is next weekend!
JEREMY:  Mom, you're making that up.
ME:  At least, we hope you are.

Joan was already tearing up.

JOAN:  This is all about your father, isn't it?
JEREMY:  Mom, that's--
JOAN:  That's why you moved in the first place.  Because of his disappearance.
ME:  You mean murder.
JOAN:  Jackson!
ME:  Nobody just disappears.  Haven't we learned that by now?
JOAN:  Jeremy, darling, it was years ago.  It's time to move on with your life.
JEREMY:  That's what I'm doing, Mom.  I just don't want to do that here.  I can't.  I'm sorry.

And he got up, and left.

ME:  So Mom, what else do you want to talk about?
JOAN:  Oh go to hell, Jackson.

Now there's the mother I know and love.

A Relationship Built on Trust

Hi, my name is Hank.

ME:  Why did I agree to do this?
JEREMY:  Because Ritchie is sneaky, so we need to be sneaky right back.  We need to counter-sneak him.  It's the right thing to do.

I've never had someone tell me I was doing the right thing while they strapped a wire to my back.

Davis set this whole thing up when Nathan told everyone that he thought Ritchie had something to do with Bart going over the deep end and Ben getting framed for involvement in the whole mess.

Did you get all that?

JACKSON:  We're going to nail his ass.
JEREMY:  Jackson, there's nothing to nail.
ADAM:  I wouldn't say that.
JEREMY:  We just want to find out why Bart was going on his show.
NATHAN:  Nobody ponies up that much money for thoughts on jail.
DAVIS:  Just get him to talk as quick as you can.
ME:  Why?  Do we only have a limited amount of recording time?
DAVIS:  No, I just want to make sure we get what we need before you two start humping.
JOEY:  Is all of this legal?
NATHAN:  We'll worry about that later.

I'm sure that won't come back to bite us in the--

NATHAN:  Do not screw this up.
ME:  What am I getting out of this?
JEREMY:  Our undying respect.
NATHAN:  And a thousand bucks.

I didn't even hear the first part.

Ritchie was waiting for me in his office after lunch.

Unfortunately for me, he wasn't in a talking mood.

RITCHIE:  Take off your pants.
ME:  I was hoping we could...say things first.

Somewhere I could hear the queens groaning.

RITCHIE:  Oh God.
ME:  What?
RITCHIE:  Is this when you lay the 'L' word on me?
M:  Lesbians?
RITCHIE:  Love.
ME:  Love?!?  No!  Nooo.  No no no.
RITCHIE:  Great.  Because that's the last thing I need.  Right now I just want you, on my desk, doing awful things to me.  Just avoid knocking over my Rhode Island Monthly Award.

I decided I had to take matters into my own hands.

ME:  Unzip.

Literally.

RITCHIE:  Ohhh Hank...

Here comes the squeeze.

RITCHIE:  ...ooohhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!

I'd look away if I were you.

ME:  Why were you having Bart on the show?
RITCHIE:  WHAT?
ME:  Why was Bart coming on the show?
RITCHIE:  You set me up?  I'll kill youuuaahhhh!
ME:  Why was Bart coming on the show, Ritchie?
RITCHIE:  He...he...
ME:  Spit it out or I start to pull!
RITCHIE:  HE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH BILLY!

I dropped...well...it.

Billy?

RITCHIE:  Bet you weren't expecting that.

The question is--was anybody else?

A Check You Can Cash

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

KATE:  There's someone here to see you.
ME:  Is it about the show we did on dalmatians?  Because I specifically said we couldn't prove that they give you cancer.
KATE:  It's your friend Nathan.

"Friend" is a strong word.

Nathan looked a little beat up.

ME:  I thought Ben was the convict.
NATHAN:  He hasn't been convicted of anything.
ME:  But it doesn't look good.  I'm doing a show with his lawyer on Friday.
NATHAN:  In other news, he'll be getting a new lawyer.
ME:  It's a media circus, Nathan.  Don't fight it.
NATHAN:  And just when will you be doing a show on the check you made out to Bart?

I knew he wasn't going to let this go.

ME:  Nathan, there wasn't anything behind that.
NATHAN:  So you always write checks to people you haven't seen over five years?
ME:  Bart was going to come on my show.  The check was an advance on an appearance fee.
NATHAN:  Why was he coming on the show?
ME:  That's confidential.
NATHAN:  Why?  Are you planning to dig him up for sweeps week?

If only I could...

ME:  He was going to talk about life in prison.  His sordid past.  He was even going to comment on Jeremy's book.
NATHAN:  That's it?  No big reveal?  No twist.
ME:  If I told you about it, it wouldn't be a twist now, would it?
NATHAN:  What are you saying?
ME:  I'm saying I may go public with what Bart was going to announce on the show.
NATHAN:  And does that have anything to do with Ben?
ME:  I guess you'll have to watch and find out.

Nathan closed the door to my office.

NATHAN:  Or you could show a little kindness.
ME:  Kindness begins under my desk, Nathan.
NATHAN:  You're disgusting.
ME:  What's the matter?  Afraid I might not be able to afford you?

I saw his face go pale.

ME:  Did I mention I don't have anyone for Monday's show yet?

Something tells me Nathan's price was going to be a lot lower than Bart's.

To the Left, To the Left

Hi, my name is Billy.

TOM: I'm here to grab Emma's stuff.
ME: Whatever I didn't burn is in a box marked 'Satan's Whore.'
TOM: Good to see you're not bitter.

I'm going to miss Tom. He would have been a cool brother-in-law had my fiance not left me for one of my converts.

Now I just feel so alone.

My gay friends want nothing to do with me. My straight friends all pity me. And I can't go out in public without getting requests for my autograph.

Ever since that disastrous reunion on Ritchie's talk show, I decided that staying in and watching endless episodes of "Cupcake Wars" was my best option.

When Tom was done, I offered him a drink. We sat down in the living room and had a talk.

TOM: Personally, I think my sister's crazy.
ME: Thanks Tom.
TOM: Not because she left you.
ME: Thanks again.
TOM: No, I mean, you're a great guy, but you're gay.
ME: Tom--
TOM: And she left you for another gay guy.
ME: Tom, I'm not gay. I've embraced a deeper truth.
TOM: So you feel nothing at all for guys?
ME: Not a thing.

That was when he leaned over and kissed me.

I pushed him away, but...

TOM: You felt something, didn't you?

Before I could answer, he was on top of me.

And then I couldn't deny it.

I definitely felt something.

Stand By Your Man

Hi, my name is Nathan.

ME: Are they feeding you?
BEN: It's prison, Nathan. Not a Romanian dungeon.

It was my first time visiting Ben in prison.

Despite my resources, he wasn't getting out anytime soon.

Bart's letter was pretty incriminating, even though it had set-up written all over it.

I hadn't had a chance to confront Ritchie again about the check he wrote Bart, but that was only because I had to read lightly.

If, at any point, it came out that Bart was working for me before he terrorized the entire city, I'd be behind bars in a cell next to Ben--probably one with a three-hundred pound guy named Mr. Bob in it.

BEN: This whole thing is crazy. I never talked to Bart about any of the stuff he was planning.
ME: I don't know who's crazier--Bart or that stupid hostage negotiator.
BEN: Can't Davis do anything to help?
ME: Liam says the political climate right now is touchy.
BEN: What does that mean?
ME: It means everyone loves a scapegoat.

I'm not being...entirely...honest here.

I don't want Ben in prison, but more than that, I don't want a trial.

But until there's a trial, having someone to...keep the focus on, isn't exactly bad for me.

So, yes, I'm keeping my husband in prison until I can figure out my next move.

Right now, that next move is Ritchie.

BEN: Nathan, I love you.

It's been so long since he's said that.

BEN: Just tell me you have a plan to get me out of here.
NATHAN: Of course I do.

But if the plan fails, and it's me or Ben...

NATHAN: Trust me.

...I always opt for self-preservation.

Team of Rivals

Hi, my name is Joey.

ME: So Ben and Bart were--
NATHAN: No! Ben and Bart were nothing. This is all a set-up.

We were all at Nathan's house on the East Side trying to come up with a plan to help Ben now that he'd been arrested.

JEREMY: They're just looking for a scapegoat since they can't try Bart--
DAVIS: Well, I had nothing to do with this. This is federal. This is serious.
ME: This is like Law & Order--the one without the sex.
RITCHIE: I could do a show on it. Wrongly accused people score big ratings.
JEREMY: Is it all about tv with you now?
RITCHIE: It always has been. It's just that now I actually have a show.
JACKSON: What did the letter Bart sent say?
NATHAN: Nobody knows.
HANK: They'll probably tell everybody at the trial.
NATHAN: THERE CAN'T BE A TRIAL!

We all got quiet.

NATHAN: I'm sorry, but things come out at trials. Things that...should not...come out.
ADAM: When did you become the Mayor of Vague City?
NATHAN: We need a plan.
JEREMY: We need a lawyer.
DAVIS: We need to go get a drink.
HANK: I second that.

I stood up.

ME: Guys, this is serious! If Ben gets convicted for this, he's going to jail for a really long time. We have to prove that this is crazy. I mean, if Ben helped Bart it basically means he wanted all of us dead. And that's just not true, right?

We all looked around the room at each other.

ADAM: Maybe not all of us.

That's when I realized maybe it wasn't such a crazy idea after all.

Stars Aren't Easy

Hi, my name is Adam.

JOEY: How much longer do I have to stay here?
ME: Until we can find a women's shelter that accepts gay men.

I was having Joey hang out in my dressing room at Ben's theater until we could sort out his thr-ouple situation.

JOEY: Why can't I just stay at your place?
ME: Because then we'll sleep together.
JOEY: No, we won't. I've changed.
ME: Joey, your hand is on my crotch.
JOEY: Oh...sorry.

Knock, knock.

Joey jumped behind the cardboard cut-out of me.

It was my assistant, Tony.

TONY: Ben says they can't get you the frozen glacier water.

This is what happens whenever I start rehearsals for a show.

Somebody tries tackling the dragon.

And then the dragon eats them--and whatever children they may have.

TONY: Do you want me to get your scary red cape?
ME: Not necessary...yet.

I went straight to Ben's office.

ME: If you're not prepared to meet my demands--
BEN: A British butler couldn't meet your demands.
ME: You're the one who wanted to me to act here.
BEN: I didn't realize I was hiring Veruca Salt.
ME: I hope you're talking about the band and not the bratty little girl because if it's the latter--

Knock, knock.

We both turned to see Paul standing in the doorway--

PAUL: Hi boys.

--with two cops.

ME: If this is about those taxes, half the write-offs were totally legitimate.
PAUL: We're actually here to see Ben.

Ben stood up.

BEN: What's this about?
PAUL: The department was given a tip that you were working with Bart right up until the hostage situation.
BEN: Working with him? Working on what?
PAUL: The whole thing. To get your theater attention.
BEN: That's ridiculous!
ME: Who gave you this tip?

Paul held up a letter.

PAUL: Bart.

That's when the cops arrest Ben.

And I decided it might be a good idea to find another hiding place for Joey.

A Tune-Up

Hi, my name is Ben.

NATHAN: Make sure we tell him how you're still not over Jeremy.
ME: Nathan, I told you, I'm--
NATHAN: What's the point of seeing a marriage counselor if we're not honest?

Nathan and I have been seeing a marriage counselor for the past year.

It's helped...

NATHAN: And tell him you refused me sex again this week.

...In that we haven't stabbed each other in awhile.

VOICE: Well, look who's here!

Davis entered the waiting room. Of course.

DAVIS: Need a little help with blissful eternity, boys?
NATHAN: Our marriage, like any other, has ups and downs. Apparently yours does too or you wouldn't--
DAVIS: I'm screwing the therapist.
ME: You're having sex with our therapist?
NATHAN: You're cheating on your husband with a marriage counselor?
DAVIS: I know. There's irony in there somewhere. I just came for a little quickie before his three o'clock.
ME: We're his three o'clock.
DAVIS: Well then I'll try to be extra...quick.

Davis went into the office.

ME: We need a new therapist.

Nathan started to cry.

He'd grown attached.

A Political Arrangement

Hi, my name is Davis.

JEREMY: You know, even when your book hits number one on the bestseller lists, they still don't send a limo to pick you up with a half-naked boy in it.
ME: I figured I might as well send him home in style.

I'd invited Jeremy to City Hall to discuss my reelection.

Liam joined us a few minutes later.

As for the half-naked boy, he was just a lunchtime fling. I'm half-sure that Liam knows I dabble every now and again, but I try not to rub his claws in it.

LIAM: We have to chat with you about helping Davis get a second term as Mayor.
JEREMY: Isn't it a little early to be discussing reelection?
ME: Are you kidding? We start discussing it the day after we win.
LIAM: We're only going to do one more term and then we're going to discuss possible Senate option.
JEREMY: Davis in the Senate? I should look into renewing my passport.
ME: Show him the t-shirt, Liam.

Liam held up a Team Tanner t-shirt.

JEREMY: That's what the fans of Tanner and Jason wear.
LIAM: There are a lot of them.
JEREMY: Well, there are actually more Brewster and Jason fans.
LIAM: And some Bobby and Jason--
JEREMY: I'm sorry, but why are we talking about fictional people?
ME: Because they're not really fictional. Tanner and Jason are me and you.
JEREMY: They're based on me and you, but--
LIAM: We think if you and Davis were to start dating and eventually get married--
JEREMY: WHAT?
LIAM: It could help his reelection chances.
JEREMY: Is this a joke?
ME: Even gay politicians need spouses nowadays. It's really sad.
JEREMY: But you're already married to Liam.
LIAM: We could quietly divorce.

This may sound shocking to you, but then again you never heard some of Liam's other proposals.

At one point, he wanted me to go sky-diving over the city with an "I Am Providence" parachute.

When I asked him where I would land, he looked at me as if there were a minor quibble.

JEREMY: You would divorce your husband just to win an election?
LIAM: We'd still be together. This is all just game-playing.
JEREMY: Well, I'm not into game-playing, and I have absolutely no urge to be a politician's wife--husband--whatever.
ME: C'mon, Jeremy. We always have a good time.
JEREMY: As friends, Davis. Not as a fraudulent married couple!
ME: You never see the bigger picture.

Jeremy stood up.

JEREMY: Davis, I am currently dealing with the return of Hydra--
ME: Your mother's back in town?
JEREMY: Along with editing a play so I can hand it over to Ben and then--hopefully--head back to New York so I can at least tie up some loose ends then. So I'm going to be a little too busy to be scamming the public with you. Sorry.

He took off without even a hug good-bye.

LIAM: Well, I guess that's out of the question. Maybe we could have you marry Jackson. Most people wouldn't know the difference.
ME: No, we'll stick with Jeremy. I'll just have to convince him the old-fashioned way.
LIAM: What do you mean?

I made him fall in love with me once.

I can do it again.

She's Baaack

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

ME: I could have told you a reunion with all of us was going to end in the emergency room.
PAIGE: On the plus side, I met a doctor AND everybody in the studio audience got a free toaster oven!
JEREMY: To think there was a point where we believed she was biologically related to us.

We were all back at the apartment, recuperating after Ritchie's debacle.

RITCHIE: The ratings are going to go through the roof!

Oh yeah, and Ritchie invited himself over.

RITCHIE: I don't know how we're going to follow this up.
ME: We're not.
RITCHIE: But I didn't even get to interview you guys! By the time the blood was cleaned up--
PAIGE: I'll do the show!
ALL: No!
JACKSON: Ritchie, when did you become a glutton for punishment?
ME: Jackson's right. Today was embarrassing. The Mayor Providence, a noted writer, an Artistic Director, a college professor, and a bunch of bitches--
JACKSON: Hey!
ME: --getting into a catfight? We were no better than the A-List.
PAIGE: What an odd sentence.

I pulled my suitcase from underneath the couch.

JACKSON: I was wondering when you were going to bust that out.
ME: I think today was a sign.
PAIGE: That you should always bring mace to a catfight?
ME: Nooo. That it's time for me to leave. Ben's not producing my script until later this spring. I should go back to New York--
PAIGE: But--
ME: JUST for a little while. To get things sorted out. Then, maybe, I'll come back. But honestly, it doesn't seem like it's a good idea for me to be here.
PAIGE: Maybe you just need another sign!

Knock, knock.

We all looked at the door.

RITCHIE: Is this when one of us gets killed?
PAIGE: Or wins a giant check!
JACKSON: I hope she's the one who gets killed.
PAIGE: Hey!

I went to the door an opened it.

It was worse than death.

JOAN: There's my baby!

It was my mother.