Hi bitches, my name is Hank.
I'm going to cut to the chase--
I am not a fan of all these crazy homos, and tonight was a perfect example of why I keep my distance.
Jeremy and I were going to watch each other do our monologues for our audition on Tuesday. Neither of us has gotten into a show at OSC yet--
Actually, he's been in the musicals.
The little bitch.
JEREMY: I like your shirt.
ME: Stop hitting on me.
JEREMY: I wasn't--
ME: You werent'?
JEREMY: Okay, maybe a little.
Jeremy has a crush on me. I think it's sweet. Of course, we're friends, and I have a strict "No sex" with friends rule. I used to have a "No sex with boys" rule, too, but that went out the door faster than the daddy of a teen mama.
JEREMY: So what's your monologue from?
ME: Hamlet.
JEREMY: You're doing a dramatic monologue?
ME: Yeah.
JEREMY: Hank, we're auditioning for a Noel Coward play.
ME: Exactly. That's why I picked a British playwright.
I hate when Jeremy gets all know-it-all with me. If he's so fucking bright, why hasn't he been in anything yet?
He offered to have us go over our auditions at his place so we were on the elevator going up to his apartment.
JEREMY: Ritchie was supposed to come, too, but now he's not answering his phone.
ME: He's trying out for a straight play?
JEREMY: No, he just likes watching me do something and then ridiculing me.
ME: Some find it theraputic.
The elevator doors opened and we walked to his door, where a lovely little note was taped above the doorknob.
Jeremy, call before you come in, Davis.
Davis is hot, not gonna lie. I'm supposed to be ambiguous about my sexuality, but I'd turn unambiguous really fast if he ever wanted to get nasty.
JEREMY: Why does he want me to call?
ME: Maybe he's got a boy in there.
JEREMY: Yeah well, I don't have to check in with him before I enter my own apartment.
He took out his keys, opened the door, and walked in with me behind him.
What greeted us was--Well, how does one describe it?
A big ole orgy.
Jeremy pulled me back out into the hallway and shut the door.
ME: You should have called first. I think you might have needed reservations.
JEREMY: Oh, I'm calling now.
He took out his cell phone and called Davis. After some yelling, threatening, and finally listening--Jeremy can have quite the temper--he hung up.
JEREMY: Apparently, he got all the members of RI-TRI here, got them drunk, high, and god knows what else--and then initiated an orgy amongst them so that when they have to vote on whether or not they should remove him based on moral character, they won't have any grounds to judge.
ME: You got to admit, that's pretty impressive. He's not just going to blackmail one gay. He's going to blackmail an entire committee.
JEREMY: I can't believe there's an orgy in my living room and I haven't gotten any in weeks.
ME: At least you know they're practicing safe sex. They were all at the Condom-a-thon tonight.
JEREMY: The best part is, Davis didn't actually participate. He's holed up in his room.
ME: So what are we supposed to do?
JEREMY: Close our eyes and run for it towards my bedroom.
ME: You first, Don Quixote.
So, once again, we went into the apartment--running this time--only after I made it past the horde of throbbing naked bodies I got confused and ran into Davis' room by mistake. When I opened the door, though, I didn't just see Davis.
ME: Ritchie?
Ritchie and Davis were in flagrante, if you get my drift.
ME: Whoa, that's fucked up.
DAVIS: Shut the door, asshole!
I did, and ran into Jeremy's room.
JEREMY: What happened to you? Did someone try to circle jerk you?
ME: No, but I almost stepped on someone's arm. At least, I hope it was their arm. If not, I might just go back out there.
JEREMY: Did I hear you run into Davis' room?
ME: Yeah. Let's just say, we're going to be the only people in this apartment not having sex tonight.
JEREMY: Well--
ME: Don't even think about it.
JEREMY: I can't believe this. He's having sex with someone? Who is it?
ME: Oh, I didn't get a good look.
I could have just mentioned that it was Ritchie, but information like that is best kept to yourself. I don't want to get into a whole heap of drama with the rest of these trash-talking bitches with their fangs and their gossip.
I'm far above all of that.
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