Nice to Meet You, Cal

Hi, my name is Cal.

RUFUS: Cal...

My boyfriend is still sleeping. He has the day off today from work. Lucky guy. I have to head to school and try to interact with my fellow theater majors.

Up until now, I've managed to avoid meeting any of them. But Rufus made a point last night right before we went to sleep. He said I should try to actually experience college, and I'm inclined to agree with him.

So today I will embrace my major.

RITCHIE: Well, Jeremy, if I'm such a f**king pariah, then why don't you throw holy water on me and compel the devil from my soul!

I might have picked a bad day.

From an outside perspective, it seems the only way to get inside the theater department is through the fish bowl--the nickname for the lounge where all the majors hang out. Of course, I had to try doing this on the most stressful day of the year--the day of the musical auditions.

Ocean State College's theater department only does one musical a year, and there are about--two hundred theater majors--and Maury, the director tends to pick shows with about five roles in them.

You do the math.

Today, however, the musical only seemed to be adding to a quasi-domestic battle between some of the gay boys. They were all swimming around the fish bowl verbally jabbing at each other when I ducked in.

JEREMY: So, when you were pushing me towards Joey--
JOEY: Pushing?
RITCHIE: Pushing is a relative term.
JOEY: You were pushing him towards me?
JEREMY: Was that so that you could have Davis all to yourself?
RITCHIE: Hey, I didn't ask him to kiss you.
JEREMY: Good point. But you're not off the hook yet. Why did you kiss me, Joey?
JOEY: It's none of your business.
HANK: It's none of his business that you kissed him?
RITCHIE: Stay out of this, Hank.
HANK: I'd love to, but I keep walking on people having sex with each other!

Just then four more guys walked in with a girl I recognized from one of my theater classes.

CLAIRE: Are you guys psyched for auditions?
ALL: No.
CLAIRE: C'mon, guys, it's going to be my last show. Do we all have to fight?
ALL: Yes.
BEN: Can anyone help me plunk out my song?
JOEY: What are you singing?
BEN: 'I Stole My Love from Another.'
JEREMY: How appropo.
BEN: Oh, just get over it, Jeremy.
HANK: Homo says what?
ELI: What?
CARTER: Who?
BILLY: Oh dear God...

They all started fighting again until Claire screamed--

CLAIRE: GUYS!

Then they all stopped and looked at her, and she happened to be looking at me.

CLAIRE: Cal's going to think you're all nuts.
RITCHIE: Who the hell is Cal?
ME: I am, actually.
JEREMY: Nice to meet you, Cal. Oh, do you know everyone?
RITCHIE: He might not know that Ben is a homosexual.
BEN: You son-of-a-bitch!

Ben started chasing Ritchie around the fish bowl knocking over a table and a plant.

These people are out of their minds.

I went home that night to find Rufus still in bed. It was so nice to come home to a nice, peaceful house after dealing with those lunatics.

RUFUS: Honey, you forgot--
ME: Shut up, bitch.
RUFUS: Yes, master.
ME: I'll undo the ropes when you learn to behave like a obedient disciple.
RUFUS: Yes, oh god, yes.
ME: There is no god. I am God.
RUFUS: Yes, yes, YES! WHIP ME, MY LORD!

Ah, no place like home.