Carter's Valentine

Hi, my name is Carter.

BEN: Carter, absolutely not.

I tried sucking my roommate off in his sleep.

BEN: What the hell were you thinking?
ME: You'll let Billy do it, but not me?
BEN: I never let Billy do it while I was unconscious.
ME: Some guys think that's hot.
BEN: What guys? You've been having sex with guys?
ME: Kinda.

He sat up in bed and turned on the light.

BEN: What the hell's been going on with you?
ME: Nothing. I just like you.
BEN: You like me, or I'm gay and I dated your friend.
ME: I know, it's bad.
BEN: And that's why you're so into it?
ME: Kinda.
BEN: Enough with the kinda. Go back to bed.

He turned off the light and I went back and got into my own bed.

Life sucks.

Today was Valentine's Day, and I didn't have a Valentine. I asked a bunch of people.

DAVIS: Who is this?

I even called that guy Davis.

DAVIS: Yeah, I barely remember you.
ME: We just met a little while ago.
DAVIS: You passed out unconscious in my hallway.
ME: Want me to do it in your bed next time?

.........

ME: Hello? Hello?

I didn't have much luck with my friends either.

BILLY: I'll totally be your Valentine, Carter.
ME: Amazing.
BILLY: You mean it in a sweet way, right? Not like an 'I'm expected to do stuff with you tonight' way?
ME: Um...
BILLY: Oh.
ME: Awkward.
BILLY: Really awkward.

Or my acquaintances...

JOEY: I'm sort of seeing someone.
ME: Can you sort of see me too?
JOEY: It doesn't work that way.
ME: Yes, it does. I can see more than one person. That's why God gave us more than one eye.
JOEY: Please tell me that's you being figurative.
ME: What does figurative mean?

Or my not-really friends.

HANK: Hahahahaha...Get lost, skank.

Or sort of friends.

RITCHIE: Sorry, I've got an six-way planned.

Or people I barely know.

CAL: I promised Rufus I'd let him have one more round of break-up sex.
ME: Who's Rufus?

Or--

ELI: GET LOST!

So after Ben rejected me, I went to the only person left I could think of who maybe would make Valentine's Day not a complete super-loss.

JEREMY: Carter, what are you doing here? It's 3am.
ME: I'm lonely.
JEREMY: What?
ME: I hate this. I hate this life. I hate who I like. I hate...myself. I'm really lonely. I'm all alone.
JEREMY: Carter, it's just the day-it's Valentine's Day--it does something weird to all of us.
ME: Yeah, it makes me want to kill myself.
JEREMY: Don't say that.
ME: But it's true.
JEREMY: C'mon in, all right? I'll make you scrambled eggs.

So I went into his apartment where I could hear noise from the other room.

ME: What are all the boxes for?
JEREMY: I'm moving.
ME: What's that sound?
JEREMY: Joey's head hitting the wall.
ME: Why is--
JEREMY: Figure it out later. How many eggs do you want?
ME: Two please.

Jeremy made me eggs while I talked about everything that was wrong. I'm failing school. My friends all make fun of me. I just got a lead in the musical, but I still get depressed all the time.

JEREMY: You should talk to someone about that.
ME: I don't want to.
JEREMY: Then I don't want to say. You need to help yourself before anyone else can help you, Carter.

He put down my plate of eggs. They were shaped like a heart.

ME: Aw, that's really gay.
JEREMY: I know.
ME: So you're my Valentine, huh?
JEREMY: I guess I can be since technically it's February 15th, and so the day is over.
ME: Yeah, I guess.
JEREMY: You've got a good heart, Cartee.
ME: Why are you calling me Cartee?
JEREMY: Because you elongate your "e"s.
ME: No, I don't Jeremeeeee...Oh.
JEREMY: Promise me you'll look into finding someone to talk to. Someone professional. Not just me.
ME: But you too?
JEREMY: Yeah, me too. Of course.
ME: Okay.

We ate eggs in heart shapes and the sun came up.

It wasn't the suckiest Valentine's Day ever.

Who needs a lover anyway? Just give me a good friend and a good breakfast.