A Better Disposition

Hi, my name is Ben.

NATHAN: Ben, come back!

They can all go straight to--

ME: F**k off!

Nathan dragged me to the club, even though he knows how much I hate it there. And I could hear them. I could hear all of them. Talking about me.

They were all standing up on the second level of the club looking down on Nathan and me dancing.

He kept telling me not to let it bother me, but I couldn't help it.

I let him get me drunk before we went. That was the only way I could handle being there at all.

And they were all up there--Jeremy, Ritchie, Billy, Carter, Hank, Cal, Joey--the only one missing was Eli, and I wouldn't be surprised if he was out somewhere shaking in his boots because good old Ben had finally taken that last flying leap out of the closet, and I might try dragging him out, too.

It wasn't just all of them up there judging me. There were guys around them laughing at me. Old club whores who never got married, never had kids, never fulfilled that new gay ideal that everyone talks so much about. I mean, every gay man you meet now says that one day he's going to settle down, but let's face it--that's not happening for any of them.

Well, it's going to happen for me.

All I could hear was the laughter.

Before I knew it, I was out the door. Nathan was running after me, but I was too fast for him. He's a good guy. He deserves better than me. But he shouldn't have tried to change me. That was wrong. I don't belong--

ME: I don't belong here, Nathan!
NATHAN: Yes, you do. You belong here as much as any of them.
VOICE: Excuse me.

They were all standing behind him. All seven of them.

RITCHIE: Would we be the 'them' you're referring to?
CARTER: Are we really making you that uncomfortable, Ben?
BILLY: We weren't doing anything.
ME: Oh please! You all love the fact that I'm here!
CAL: Maybe because it shows that you're actually accepting the fact that you're gay rather than just sucking dick and calling it a phase.
JOEY: Or maybe because it's nice to see you having fun at all.
HANK: Or maybe we just don't give it a shit and it's all in your head.

I started walking away again.

JEREMY: Ben, wait!

Jeremy ran up to me. Great. What salt was he going to rub in?

JEREMY: Ben, I know that you and I...Well...it's been a rough year. But, I genuinely was happy to see you tonight, because I know how hard this has all been for you.
ME: You have no idea.
JEREMY: Oh, I don't? What did you think my coming out was like? A teddy bear picnic?
ME: Screw you.
JEREMY: I don't want to fight. I'm just saying. We're not your enemies. We are your friends, and there might be a time when we have to be more than that. Because we're part of a community, Ben. We have shared experiences and heartaches and joys and losses and there is going to be a time when you have to utilize that whether you like it or not.

He turned and walked back to the group. Nathan came up to me and put his arm around me and the group turned to go, but I wasn't quite done yet.

ME: How dare you.

They all turned back around.

ME: How dare you insinuate that you're some kind of family to me.
RITCHIE: Ben, are you done attacking Jeremy--
ME: I'm not just attacking Jeremy. You all need to know, I am nothing like any of you.
HANK: We got that loud and clear.
ME: I mean, look at all of you--
NATHAN: Ben, stop it.
ME: You don't even know them Nathan! I mean, did you know that Billy hates being gay just as much as I do, and he stands there acting like he's in agreement with everyone when really he just likes seeing me squirm.
BILLY: Oh, shut up, Ben.
ME: And Ritchie, he's a really model gay man. He blackmails people for sex.
RITCHIE: You're a waste of time.
ME: Carter isn't even officially out yet, but that's okay, because he only tries to go down on people when they're sleeping.
CARTER: I don't know what--
ME: Hank also still claims to like girls, but that's probably because he couldn't get guys even if he did admit he liked them.
HANK: Keep talking and you're getting punched the f**k out.
ME: Joey cheated on his boyfriend. Cal's just a whore.
CAL: You didn't mind that I was a whore when you were in bed with me.
ME: And Jeremy, good old Jeremy, the one who wants to be everybody's big brother. Well, he's the best of them all. A total hypocrite. Who gossips, and manipulates, and judges from on high--When really, he's just jealous because I get what I want and he can't get anything he wants--namely someone to pay attention to him.

Jeremy took a few steps towards me and then stopped.

JEREMY: I feel sorry for you, Ben.
ME: Don't bother. Oh, and if Eli were here, I'd be telling everyone about a little threeway in which he was much more about person number two than person number one.
JOEY: What are you talking about?
RITCHIE: Let's just go back inside.

I turned around to see Eli standing in front of me.

ME: Eli, what--

But the punch silenced me, and the last thing I heard was Cal saying--

CAL: That bitch needs to be taught a better disposition.

--and then I hit the ground.