Billy's Serenade

Hi, my name is Ben.

VOICE: You should stay the night.

I never stay the night.

ME: I have to get up really early tomorrow.
CAL: That's okay. So does Rufus.

Rufus is Cal's ex-sort of current-boyfriend sleeping on the couch in the next room. Cal and I were fooling around when Rufus came into his apartment drunk and banged on the bedroom door until Cal opened it, punched him in the stomach, and told him to go sleep on the couch.

Then we resumed fooling around.

As a result of all this, I feel like my life is in a not-so-great place right now.

I became interested in Cal when I heard him talking about Jeremy in the fish bowl to Rufus over the phone.

CAL: Look, it wasn't my fault. He came onto me. He practically begged me to give it to him. He only pretended like he wanted to leave because you showed up. Hey, I have to go. Don't forget to bring back my keys or I'll rip your nuts off. Love you, too. Bye.

He hung up the phone, and I felt that nasty curiosity bubble up in me.

ME: So Jeremy tried to get in your pants, huh?
CAL: Yeah, it was really uncomfortable. He just doesn't know how to take 'No' for an answer.
ME: Were you just not into hooking up with him or not into hooking up in general?
CAL: Mmm...pretty much just him. Why?

A few hours later we were laying on his bed making out and...

Well, you get the idea.

Call it my little present to myself for getting a lead in the musical.

Speaking of which, I had a voice lesson with with Hank's crush the following morning. You would think I'd back off since Hank made it clear he likes this guy, and since I pretty much already stuck it to Jeremy last night, but what can I say? I like killing two birds with one stone.

After a half hour, I could tell Fenneman was impressed.

LOU: You sound great, Ben. I think you're ready to go as far as the musical is concerned.
ME: Thanks, Lou.

He started putting away his music, but I leaned over so I could look him in the eye.

ME: So, Lou, what are you up to now?
LOU: Um, I have another lesson at eleven thirty. I should probably get some coffee before then. I'm beat.
ME: Long night?
LOU: Yeah, you could say that. Remember, I'm not an old invalid like most of the dinosaurs who teach around here. I still know how to have fun.
ME: That's what I'm counting on.

I went in for the kiss, but Lou took a step back.

LOU: Ben, what are you doing?
ME: Just...you know...
LOU: I'm sorry, but that can't happen.
ME: Are you not--
LOU: What I am is none of your business.
ME: That means you are.
LOU: You are a student.
ME: I'm not really your student though.
LOU: This lesson is over. Have a good day.

He left the room leaving me feeling stung. That was the first time a guy's ever turned me down.

That afternoon, I had musical theater with Murray. Things in the department had been a little tense since the cast list went up, and I could tell Murray wished he could just cancel classes for the rest of the semester.

I grabbed a seat next to Billy as Murray was critiquing Carter's performance.

MURRAY: Now, what made you want to sing "I Feel Pretty?"
CARTER: Um...eee...

Another showstopper from the new lead in our musical.

BILLY: You look tired.
ME: Yeah, well, I was up all night.
BILLY: Doing what?
ME: What do you think?
BILLY: Um...okay.
ME: I was hanging out with Cal.
BILLY: Cal? Crazy Cal? Crazy slutty Cal?
ME: Yeah, tell me about it.
BILLY: Why would you do anything with him?
ME: Because I have a dick and not a boyfriend. So could you knock off the questioning?

Before Billy could me badger me anymore, Murray had Carter sit down.

MURRAY: Who's singing today?
BILLY: I am.

Good old Billy. He still gets clingy sometimes, but I guess that's understandable. This will all be good for him though. It'll help toughen him up. As for the musical, I think he's sort of an idiot for giving up his role, but I can't really complain, now can I?

Billy went over to the accompanist and whispered something to him. He got up and sat in Billy's chair, while Billy took his seat at the piano.

Everyone was puzzled.

MURRAY: Billy...?
BILLY: Murray, if it's all right with you, I'd like to sing something I wrote while in a very dark place that I find myself revisiting today.
ME: How does that have anything to do with musical theater?
MURRAY: I'll allow it so that Billy doesn't pee on my lawn or kill one of my cats.
ELI: That's what I forgot to do!
MURRAY: Go ahead, Billy.

I thought it was going to be trainwreck, but the opening of the song was pretty good. Very 1950's yet Billy Joel "Tell Her About It" with some "Great Balls of Fire" -esque.

Then the lyrics started.

BILLY:

I DON'T WISH FOR YOU TO LEAVE
I DON'T WISH FOR YOUR DEMISE
I DON'T WISH FOR YOU TO FALL INTO A WELL
OR BE IN A BOAT THAT CAPSIZES

Right away the murmuring started...

HANK: Lyrics are kind of weak, but I like the spirit.
CARTER: And you would have to say 'demises' to rhyme with 'capsizes.'

But Billy pressed on--

BILLY:

I DON'T WANT YOU TO LOSE YOUR JOB
OR GET THROWN INTO THE STREET
I WOULDN'T WANT YOU TO GET ROBBED
BUT THERE'S ONE THING I'D LIKE TO SEE

ELI: Dude, I wonder what it is?

BILLY:

I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU GET CHLAMYDIA.

ME: Whoa, what?

BILLY:

IF YOU DID I'D BE GLAD

I contemplated tackling him, but then everyone would know he was talking about me.

BILLY:

I MEAN IT'S TREATABLE
SO IS IT REALLY THAT BAD?

JEREMY: This might be my new favorite song.

BILLY:

I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU GET CHLAMYDIA
SO YOUR URINE WOULD BURN

ME: Murray, are you going to stop this?
MURRAY: His verbs are really strong, Ben.
ME: Murray!

BILLY:

I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU GET CHLAMYDIA
KARMA SAYS IT'S YOUR TURN

Everyone was looking at me. This was not cool.

BILLY: Can I get some back-up?

Before I could say anything, Jeremy, Ritchie, and Hank all ran up behind the piano.

BILLY:

I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU GET CHLAMYDIA

JEREMY, RITCHIE, AND HANK:

WE'D LIKE TO SEE YOU GET IT--

BILLY:

IT COULD BE OVER QUICK

JEREMY, RITCHIE, AND HANK:

IT'S A TEMPORARY PROBLEM, SKANK

BILLY:

I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU HAVE TO GET ON MEDS

JEREMY, RITCHIE, AND HANK:

TAKE YOUR PILLS, BITCH.

BILLY:

AND GET A Q-TIP SHOVED UP YOUR--

JEREMY, RITCHIE, AND HANK:

WHOA!

After three more verses of "I'd Like to See You Get Chlamydia," I'd just about had it. I left the black box and headed to my car.

Good to see everybody was having fun at my expense.

I hope they don't mind having what goes around come around...