The Cast List

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

ELI: Guys!

Everything is about to change.

ELI: The cast list is up.

Okay, maybe not everything--forgive me for being dramatic.

We--and by "we" I mean myself, Jeremy, Joey, Ben, Billy, Hank, and Carter--were all sitting in the on-campus cafe eating a late dinner after spending hours upon end in the fish bowl waiting for this very moment.

The callbacks happened last night, and I think it was the most most competitive I've ever felt auditioning for a show--after all, this is my senior year.

Before Eli could even say "list" we were all up out of our seats and rushing out of the cafe towards the theater building.

Somehow Jeremy managed to get there first--I think the fact that he's scrawny makes him more aerodynamic--but we were all right behind him.

JEREMY: Oh my God.
RITCHIE: What? What is it?
JEREMY: Marshall got the lead.
RITCHIE: WHAT???
BEN: That's got to be a mistake.

For once, Ben had to be right. It had to be wrong. All wrong.

But there it was--

PIRATE KING.........................Marshall McDermott

Kill me. Someone. Please. Make this hell end.

BEN: No!
ME: What? What else? Did he cast Tori Spelling in something?
BILLY: Wow.

And then I saw--

POLICE SERGEANT.............William Mitchell.

CARTER: Whose William Mitchell?
BILLY: I am.
ELI: Ben, did you get Frederick?
BEN: No.

The coup de grace.

FREDERICK...........................Carter James

And now the awkward moment.

Let's review the situation shall we?

The leads--two freshman and a music major. Standing around them? Some very, very bitter people.

BILLY: That's such a...a...
ME: Travesty?
HANK: At least you got in.
ME: That's like saying 'At least you got on the plane BEFORE IT CRASHED!'
JEREMY: Ritchie! Stop. Congratulations Bil--
ME: Oh no! No, no, no. I will not be cordial. I will not be civil. This is bullshit. This my last year. MY LAST YEAR! Marshall can't be a pirate! He can barely be a man! And he's not even a theater major! It means nothing to him!
BILLY: Ritchie--
ME: And you! You can barely sing!
BILLY: What?
JEREMY: Enough, Ritchie.
BILLY: I mean, I guess it's a step up from Carter who can barely speak lines convincingly.
CARTER: You don't know me!

I took the cast list down off the wall.

JEREMY: Ritchie, what are you doing?
CARTER: Hey! I still have to initial that.

Then I did something that might seem crazy.

Okay, it's just plain crazy.

I ripped up the list. I ripped it up into little pieces. Tiny, small pieces...that I then proceeded to swallow.

BILLY: What are you doing?
BEN: Are you swallowing the cast list?
JEREMY: And quite enthusiastically.
HANK: This bitch has gone crazy.

I don't know why I did it. It just seemed...appropriate...I guess.

ME: It seems apropo.
BILLY: It's actually apropos.
ME: What?
BILLY: Apropos. It's French.
ELI: When have you ever heard somebody say appropos?
BILLY: That's what it is. I don't need to hear somebody say it.
CARTER: Guys, I'm the lead in a musical!
ME: I need something else to swallow!
JEREMY: Don't look at me.

Without saying another word, I ran out of the building. I could hear Jeremy calling behind me, but I didn't stop. I knew what I had to do.

I got into my car and drove a few streets down to where I knew Murray lived. Then I walked up the steps to his front door and rang the bell.

A few moments later, he appeared in the doorway.

ME: Hello Murray.
MURRAY: Ritchie, it's late. If this is about the cast list--
ME: It's my last year, Murray.
MURRAY: I realize that--
ME: My LAST year. This is it. This is all I have.
MURRAY: I'm sure in the future--
ME: Forget the future! I recently lost my f**k buddy. Everyone in the department hates me. I'm catty. I'm rude. I'm marginally talented. But this was something that was going to be mine, and you took it from me, and I want it back.
MURRAY: Ritchie, I'm sorry.
ME: Don't tell me you're sorry. Just tell me I can have the role. A lead. Something! Give me something!
MURRAY: You're in the ensemble.
ME: What?
MURRAY: You're in--
ME: Did you just say ensemble to me? ENSEMBLE???

I didn't want to hear any more. I got into my car and ran over his mailbox. Before I could even stop myself, I drove up on his lawn, did a little donut, and then took off throwing as much crap out of my car window and onto his lawn as I could.

Let him call the police. If there's one actor on that jury, there's no way I'll be convicted.