Does It Matter?

Hi, my name is Carter.

MARSHALL: You have such beautiful eyes.

I'm in love.

With a boy.

Marshall is a music major that I've been hanging out with for the past week. We've been to dinner, the movies, and even his house. He always pays, which is cool, even though I tell him he doesn't have to.

MARSHALL: I want to.

He wants to.

MARSHALL: I'm so touched that I'm the first person you've wanted to explore your sexuality with.

I don't really know what that means, but I'm glad it makes him happy.

Today we walked around the east side and I gave him a kiss on the cheek. It might sound stupid, but that was a really big deal for me.

I decided that I was going to tell everyone that Marshall and I are boyfriends...even though I don't like labels so much.

Everyone has been sitting in the lounge all day waiting for the callback list to go up. When I got there, Murray had just put it up and then went inside the blackbox for class to begin. The fish bowl was packed with people talking about the list.

RITCHIE: Wow.
JEREMY: Wow what?
RITCHIE: I didn't get called back for the Modern Major General.
JEREMY: Ritchie, you got called back for every other role.
RITCHIE: But not the Modern Major General. Should I ask him if I can sing for that?
JEREMY: You're absolutely ridiculous.

I saw my name on the list under "Dancing." I was really excited. Eli, Joey, and Billy were on the list with me. Eli even got a callback for the Police Sergeant. Ben got called back for Frederick.

Hank's name wasn't on the list.

ME: I'm sorry you didn't make it, Hank.
HANK: Bite me, toolkit.

He got up and walked out.

ME: Did I say the wrong thing?
BEN: The trick is not to say anything.
ELI: Guys, oh my God, guess who is on the list?
JEREMY: From your tone, I'm guessing someone who shouldn't be?
ELI: Marshall.
BEN: Marshall the Music Major?
RITCHIE: Ewww, he's gross.
BILLY: That skin.
JOEY: His walk.
BEN: He's so gay.
JEREMY: No, really?
BEN: I mean more gay than is necessary.
ELI: And so f**king bitchy. I can't stand that.
RITCHIE: And who dresses him? Toys 'R Us?

I left the room. What was I going to do? I really love Marshall, like sooo much, but...

Jeremy found me a few minutes later upstairs in the faculty bathroom trying to sort things out.

JEREMY: Carter, what are you doing in here?
ME: I come in here sometimes to think. What are you doing here?
JEREMY: I come in here sometimes because it's cleaner than the student bathrooms.
ME: Oh...
JEREMY: What's wrong?
ME: Jeremy, what would you do if you loved someone but all of your friends didn't like him...her...or...it?
JEREMY: First off, I hope I would never be dating an 'it.' Secondly, do you mean the catty little bitches downstairs? Those friends?
ME: Yeah.
JEREMY: Carter, come with me.

He took me by the hand and led me downstairs. We sat on the staircase and looked at all the guys talking in the fish bowl.

JEREMY: Carter, one of those guys was recently blackmailing a man to have sex with him. The other cheated on his boyfriend and broke his heart so badly he disappeared. Two are carrying on a secret relationship, while one of them is still in the closet. And then there's Eli.

Wow, he was right. They really were all bitchy queens.

JEREMY: Now, don't get me wrong. I love all of them...in my own way...maybe not Ben so much, but that's not the point. The point is, as gay men we have enough people giving us a hard time about who we love, we don't need to make it any worse for each other. I think if you've found someone, if or if not that someone happens to be a boy, that you should be happy and not let anybody else ruin that for you. Especially not a group of people that messed up and superficial--present company included.

He was right. I needed to love Marshall and not worry about what other people thought of him.

We went back into the fish bowl just as people were starting to file into class. Then something occurred to me.

ME: Hey Jeremy, can I ask you about something else?
JEREMY: Sure.
ME: Who is the secret couple you were talking about?
JEREMY: Oh, well, I guess it isn't even much of a secret. It's Billy and Ben.
ME: What? Ben? Like my roommate Ben?
JEREMY: Yeah. He's a big homo, surprise. C'mon, we have class.

My roommate is gay?

Why hasn't he tried to sleep with me?

What's Billy have that I don't?

MARSHALL: Hey!

I turned around to see Marshall in the door of the fish bowl. I realized that everyone else was already in class.

MARSHALL: Did you see? We're probably going to be in a show together!
ME: That's great, Marshall. I gotta go.
MARSHALL: Wait! Do you still want to hang out tonight?
ME: Um...nooo. I think I want to spend some time getting to know my roommate a little better.
MARSHALL: Oh, okay.
ME: Talk to you later. Stay fresh homie.

Yeah, I don't know. I think I'm kind of over him.

Meh.

Maybe I'm not into boys after all.