Rhode Island Pride, or A Bunch of Tacky Bitches

Hi, my name is Cal.

ME: PUT YOUR SHIRT ON! YOU'RE OLD ENOUGH TO HAVE FATHERED A GERIATRIC!

I'm a little drunk.

Give me a break. My life is spiraling out of control.

Also, it's Rhode Island Pride.

JEREMY: Cal, we might need to get you home.
ME: Fuck that. It's not even four am yet.
JEREMY: God help us.
HANK: Jeremy, look around, God abandoned this little Gomorrah a long time ago.

We were at the Open Air Party hosted by Prisms. After recognizing one of the bartenders I bedded way back when, I proceeded to get free alcohol and turn into a cross between Joan Crawford and Rip Taylor.

ME: YEAH, I'M LOOKING AT YOU!
RANDOM GUY: Hi Cal!
ME: Oh fuck, I know him? But he's so ugly.
JEREMY: We all make mistakes.

Poor Jeremy. His boyfriend, the biggest catch in the state, sleeps with Carter, the biggest little skank in the state, and he still manages to drag himself out in front of all these judging eyes.

I was determined to defend him.

Mostly because I wanted to get into a fistfight.

HANK: Oh great. Here comes the homewrecker. Want me to throw him into the second floor men's bathroom? I doubt he'd return intact.
JEREMY: I told you, Hank. I'm fine.

Carter sauntered over looking guilty--per usual.

CARTER: Hi guyyyys.
ME: Fuck off slut.
JEREMY: Cal!
CARTER: You should talk.
ME: I AM TALKING!

I was already up in his face when I heard the words "Hot Body Contest" and my focus became a bit diverted. I ran up onstage and started stripping.

In the distance I heard Hank yelling--

HANK: They haven't even started the contest yet!

But I was already halfway naked.

Then I stopped, and walked slowly up to the microphone.

ME: I just want all you tacky bitches to know that my friend Jeremy was too good for that piece of shit Davis, and that Carter has a sexually transmitted disease. So, if you've fornicated with him the past few months--beware. Thank you, good night.

And that was when I blacked out.

My last thought being--

I really need to stop doing that.

The Test Results

Hi, my name is Ben.

HANK: I have herpes.

He doesn't have herpes.

NATHAN: Would you stop saying that?
HANK: I'm practicing for when I find out.
NATHAN: There's a chance we don't have it.
ME: I'm going to kill you if I do. Then I'm going to kill you for cheating on me.
HANK: Now we're even.
ME: Because of that stupid voice teacher?
HANK: I LOVED HIM!
NATHAN: Easy there, King Kong. Let Fay Wray find out if she has the itchies first before you throw her off the Empire State Building.

After waiting forever, our test results were finally in.

And it turned out.

NATHAN: We're clear.
HANK: Good thing I can continue to not have sex. Yay.
NATHAN: Can you ever be happy about anything?
HANK: And lose my edge? No way.

So this was my life.

Herpes scares with Hank and Nathan.

No thank you.

ME: I need to do something with myself.
HANK: A haircut might be a good start. Or a late-in-life circumcision.
NATHAN: Ben, we're free and clear. Can't we just enjoy it?
ME: No, because...I think we need to break up.
NATHAN: What?
ME: I'm not happy.
NATHAN: Nobody's happy!
HANK: Especially not me.
ME: I think I belong with someone else. Someone better.
NATHAN: Than me?
ME: Yeah.
HANK: Like who?

Oh my God...it's so clear now.

ME: Billy. I need to be back with Billy.

Nathan looked like he was going to kill me. Hank just started laughing.

ME: What's so funny?
HANK: I'm just thinking of all the things Billy's going to say to you when you tell him you want him back. Hahaha...

Clearly, Hank underestimates me.

Old Dog, New Tricks

Hi, my name is Davis.

CARTER: Do you have any bottled water?

I am a gigantic idiot.

Part of me kept telling myself--

You're Davis.
This is what you do.

But the other part said--

You're going to lose your best friend and your boyfriend.
At the same time.
Way to go, Champ.

ME: Why do you bottled water? Whores don't drink tap anymore?
CARTER: Easy to call me a whore when I'm lying naked in your bed.
ME: You're right. Super easy. Now get dressed.
CARTER: You're throwing me out?
ME: And everyone calls you dumb--how they underestimate you.

That was when I heard it--

The door unlock and open.

And I remembered--

I gave Jeremy a key to the--

JEREMY: Guess who brought you break--oh my GOD.

He was back out the door again before I could get my pants on.

CARTER: This is bad, huh?
ME: Shut up and go out the window.
CARTER: You don't have a fire escape.
ME: I know.

Jeremy was almost to the elevator before I got to him.

ME: Jeremy, it...well, it is what it looks like. Wow, whose ever said that?
JEREMY: I'm sorry.
ME: What?
JEREMY: I'm sorry.
ME: Tell me you're not apologizing.
JEREMY: Actually I am. I thought dating you was going to make you stop being Davis. But...why would I want to date someone other than you? It's sort of a paradox.
ME: I wish..I wish I was the type of guy who wouldn't do something like this to you.
JEREMY: It's okay. It's helped me make a decision.
ME: What decision?
JEREMY: I'm leaving. Two days.
ME: What? Where?
JEREMY: New York.

The elevator door opened. He stepped in.

JEREMY: Do me a favor. Tell Carter I wouldn't expect anything less from either of you.

And the door--

JEREMY: Goodbye.

Closed.

Seize the Day

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

ME: Oh my God.
DAVIS: What is it?

I can't show Davis.

ME: Nothing.

It's a letter offering me employment at a theater in Minneapolis over the summer.

This is amazing.

Which means--

ME: Davis can't know anything about it.
HANK: Why not?

Hank and I were eating dinner and discussing my options.

ME: He would flip.
HANK: So you're not going to go?
ME: No! I have to go.
HANK: So...
ME: I know.

This was going to be a problem.

ME: Maybe I can tell him tomorrow.
HANK: At Pride?
ME: At least we'll be in public. He won't throw things.
HANK: Davis?
ME: Good point. I'm screwed.
VOICE: Hey guys.

Billy asked if I wanted to see an early screening of The X-Files movie--uh...YES, I'm a nerd, I know--so I had him meet me at the restaurant.

BILLY: What are you guys talking about?
HANK: Jeremy's leaving us. He's going to Minnesota where it's cold and there are cows.
ME: So what if there are cows?
HANK: I don't trust any place with cows.
ME: Rhode Island has cows.
HANK: Yeah but we don't trot them out for everyone to see.
ME: Remind me to drug test you before I leave.
BILLY: Wait...you're leaving?
ME: Just for the summer.
BILLY: But...uh...
ME: What?

He looked upset about it. More than I would imagine.

BILLY: Nothing.

I maybe should have looked into that more, but I had something else on my mind.

Namely, keeping Davis and still taking off...

Humpty Dumpty

Hi, my name is Hank.

MAYOR BURKE: Oh, it's the racist guy with the deep voice.

I finally remembered where I've seen the Mayor.

That's why I showed up at his office. I told his secretary I was back for a return appointment, and because she thought I was cute the first time I showed up here, she let me right in.

The Mayor looked more than a little surprised to see me.

ME: Hello Ricky.

Shakey, shake #1.

MAYOR BURKE: Ricky? Sorry. I don't know a Ricky.
ME: Do you like musicals, Mayor?
MAYOR BURKE: Not really my thing.
ME: Too bad. You could learn a thing or two from Les Miz.
MAYOR BURKE: I've read the book.
ME: In prison?

Shakey, shake #2.

MAYOR BURKE: I think you should leave.
ME: You know, robbing cars isn't the worst thing a person can do.
MAYOR BURKE: I said--
ME: Beating up a guy who tries to stop you from stealing his car and putting him in the hospital then taking off and changing your identity. That's the worst thing a person can do.
MAYOR BURKE: You're crazy.
ME: That photo on your desk looks just like the one they had on tv ten years ago.
MAYOR BURKE: You wouldn't remember that.
ME: You're right, I wouldn't--not unless I found that same picture again a few weeks ago in a stack of old magazines in make-up class and used it for one of my projects. You were my ethnic photo.

The Mayor sat down at his desk.

ME: I guess the Providence Sun just doesn't do the research it should on its mayoral candidates. You sure did clean yourself up.
MAYOR BURKE: How much do you want?
ME: I'm going to be really selfless and say that all I want is for you to back off.
MAYOR BURKE: Brad doesn't remember--
ME: I won't say anything to Brad. Not even when I see him at Pride next week.

I got up and smiled.

ME: You have yourself a good day now.

In my head, I could hear "Stars."

The Best Little Drag Queen in Providence

Hi, my name is Joey.

EMCEE: This is the moment we've all been waiting for...

I'm nervous as hell.

My boyfriend, Max, is up for Mr. RI-TRI, and he's made it to the final two.

His performances were awesome--He sang "Love Can Move Mountains" and "Have You Ever Been in Love"--he does a mean Celine.

JEREMY: This is way more nerve-wracking than I thought it would be.
HANK: The one on the right looks like a grown-up Jon Benet.
JEREMY: Hank!
ME: Sshhh!

The Jon Benet look alike was Mary Ann Ewing--a Dallas fan who was just as cutthroat as J.R. I told Max not to worry about her, but secretly I was thinking she might have tried to sway the judges with promises of gifts and/or sexual favors.

Max and I were moving in together next week, and I was afraid if he didn't win tonight, not only would it break his heart, but he'd be in no condition to help with the move.

The Emcee opened the envelope.

HANK: Just so you know, I voted for Susan Lucci.
JEREMY: Enough, Hank!

There was a pause, and then--

EMCEE: Your new Miss RI-TRI is...Daphne Woodward.
JOEY: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I screamed so loud everyone turned and looked at me, but I didn't care.

It was official. I was now dating a celebrity.

We All Make Mistakes

Hi, my name is Billy.

ME: I hooked up with someone I shouldn't have.
HANK: Bitch, get in line.

I was in the fish bowl with Hank and Cal...the morning after it happened.

HANK: Who did you hook up with?

It was a few nights ago, and...

I was feeling sort of depressed.

CARTER: What's wrong?

Mmhmm...

CAL: Please tell me you didn't.
HANK: Let him finish. Then we can all throw up.

Jeremy and Davis had just declared their relationship status on facebook.

ME: Well, that's it. Now it's official.
CARTER: Did he change his status on myspace?
ME: I don't have the heart to look.
CARTER: Why don't you just tell Jeremy how you feel?
ME: Because there's no point now, and I don't need Davis coming after me.

I put up an away message--something song lyric about being depressed, morbid, you get the drill.

Then I looked at Carter...and well...Carter's nice to look at it.

I don't know what it was about me. Maybe he sensed the desperation, but the next thing I knew--

ME: He was all over me.
HANK: That's when you're supposed to taser him.
ME: I just...couldn't.

After it was all over, I felt really guilty. So of course, we did it again.

CAL: I'm so disturbed, and for me, that's big.
ME: You guys cannot tell Jeremy about this.
CAL: Why do you care if Jeremy knows?

I forgot that only Carter knew how I felt about Jeremy.

ME: I just don't need him getting all judgmental, you know?
HANK: Don't worry. We'll vault it.

That was when Jeremy walked in.

JEREMY: I think Davis and I might be over.

Oh, fuck me.

CAL: Already? I'll have to check and see who in the break-up pool had three seconds.
HANK: What are you talking about?
JEREMY: We had a long convo last night, and I mean...do I really want to risk such a good friendship for what could be a lousy relationship?
CAL: What makes you think it could be lousy?
JEREMY: It's Davis. I mean, he can't commit to one person, there's no way.
HANK: No gay man can.
ME: Yes, I can! I mean, we--we can.
CAL: Keep speaking for yourself.
JEREMY: I would like to find someone whose able to be a little more...monogamous-minded.
HANK: Trust me, it doesn't exist. Every gay man is a whore.
ME: That's not true!
CAL: It's true.

Like a nightmare come to life, Carter chose that moment to appear.

CARTER: Billy, I have to talk to you.
ME: Not now, Carter.
CAL: Oh, is it about--ohhhh...
ME: What? WAIT! I don't want to know if it relates to what I don't want to talk about.
JEREMY: Uh...what?
CARTER: I have scabies.
HANK: Oh boy.
JEREMY: You got checked.
CARTER: Yeah, and that means you have them, Billy.
JEREMY: Why would Billy have them if you--

A look came over Jeremy's face at that moment that I've never seen before. It was beyond disappointment. Then he laughed.

CARTER: Jeremy, it's not funny. They itch.

That just made him laugh harder.

JEREMY: Thank you, Carter. Thank you, Billy.
ME: For what?
JEREMY: For making me realize I need to be with Davis. No guy is perfect.

He looked right at me.

JEREMY: I get that now.

Then he got up and left.

I felt awful. I thought nothing could make me feel any worse, then--

ME: Wait a minute--I have scabies?

A Dish Served Cold

Hi, my name is Nathan.

HANK: I'm assuming you boys are spending the night again.
ME: I'm taking the futon. Ben can sleep somewhere else.
HANK: Where? It's a one-bedroom.
ME: He can sleep on the kitchen table for all I care.

Ben and I haven't been doing well. Partly because we're spending all our time camped out in Hank's living room, and partly because I fantasize about Christopher while I'm having sex with Ben.

So yeah, problematic.

Ben was at work, and I was watching a bootleg of Cry Baby the musical with Hank.

ME: How many tapes like these do you have?
HANK: Only a few. I rent mostly.
ME: Is there a netflix for Broadway bootlegs?
HANK: There's a black market underground. Very seedy.

My phone went off. It was Christopher again.

HANK: You're not going to answer it?
ME: I know what he has to say.
HANK: Which is what?
ME: That he misses me.
HANK: But you have a boyfriend.
ME: So does he. I'm going to make some popcorn. Do you want any?
HANK: No thanks.

I went into the kitchen and put the popcorn bag into the microwave. When I turned around, Hank was standing in front of me.

ME: Change your mind about the popcorn?

He grabbed me by the face, and kissed me. I pushed him away.

ME: What are you doing?
HANK: Ben stole a guy from me; now I'm going to do the same to him.
ME: What guy?
HANK: My voice teacher.
ME: Hank that was months ago.
HANK: You all have such short memories.
ME: And you don't?
HANK: No, I'm French. We carry grudges for years. We're worse than the Italians.
ME: Really?
HANK: Sure. Just watch Les Miz. Javert? Totally French.

He kissed me again. I pushed him away again.

ME: I'm not going to sleep with you!
HANK: Why not?
ME: Because of Ben.
HANK: It didn't stop you from sleeping with all those guys at A.C.T.F.
ME: There weren't...that many.
HANK: Come on, right now. Right here on the table. Right before Ben falls asleep on it tonight.
ME: Well...when you put it like that.

And it happened. I don't know what it is with me. It seems like the only sex I enjoy is forbidden sex.

Note to self: Rent The Thornbirds.

After it was...over, Hank went to take a shower. That's when I finally got to listen to my voicemail from Christopher.

I nearly dropped the phone.

HANK: Hey--

I didn't even hear Hank getting out of the shower.

HANK: --What's wrong?
ME: It was Christopher. Apparently his boyfriend has herpes.
HANK: But you...
ME: Yeah.
HANK: ...And I...
ME: Yup.
HANK: So...
ME: Uh huh.

That was when Ben walked through the door.

BEN: Hey I got out of work early.

He saw the looks on our faces.

BEN: Oh God, did you two have sex?

Coldplay is Overrated

Hi, my name is Carter.

HANK: Happy birthday, skank.

It's my birthday.

Everyone took me out to Prisms to celebrate, except for Eli because he's still dealing with his homosexuality, and Joey, who decided to stay home with his new boyfriend.

DAVIS: You know, I never took Joey for a lesbian. He moves in with them on the first date.
JEREMY: Davis, be nice. It's someone's birthday after all.
HANK: Carter, shouldn't you be naked on the box already? It's nearly midnight.
CAL: Shouldn't you be turning back into a bitchy pumpkin then, Hank?
HANK: Oooh, touche.

Nathan and Ben were outside fighting again. Apparently, Nathan is still getting texts from this guy Christopher that they met at A.C.T.F.

NATHAN: What am I supposed to do, Benjamin? I can't block his number.
BEN: But you don't have to text him back!
ME: Hey guys, do you want to come inside and--
NATHAN: Carter, the grown-ups are having a conversation. Go eat your underage birthday liquor and we'll be there in a few minutes.

Inside they were playing the remix to "Viva La Vida", which I hate. Coldplay is so overrated. They're a bunch of pasty-faced white guys who stoners and wannabe stoners like to listen to while they lay in their bathtubs and zone.

What could be more obnoxious than a bunch of white guys putting out an album called "Viva La Vida"?

JEREMY: Gee, I don't know. Just about everything Beyonce does?

I was ready to dance. I took off my shirt and headed down to the box. While I was down there, Jeremy and Cal hopped up and started dancing with me.

ME: This is great. Ten seconds until my birthday!
JEREMY: Carter, what's all your skin?
ME: Huh?
CAL: Is that a rash?
ME: Oh yeah. I've had that for a little while now. It itches like crazy, but I haven't had time to get it checked out.
CAL: Do you know what that looks like?
ME: Irritated skin?
CAL: Yeah, sort of...but it actually looks like scabies.
ME: Huh?
JEREMY: Carter, have you been fooling around with anyone recently that might have...you know...had something?
ME: When you say recently...
CAL: Oh God.
JEREMY: Looks like someone gave you an early birthday present.

And that was how I knew nineteen was not going to be a good age.

Boston Boys

Hi, my name is Cal.

JEREMY: ...And then he said that what Ritchie said was true.
ME: About what?
JEREMY: Him being in love with me.
ME: That's insane... Okay, let's talk about me now.

I talked Cal into going with me to Boston Pride. We decided to skip the gay-community bonding bullshit, and head straight for the clubs.

Now we were just waiting for the party to arrive while sipping on some gin and tonics.

Oh, and we brought some other people too.

HANK: God, it's good to get out of the house.
CARTER: Guys, I found this pole that lets you slide down to the first floor!
ME: Boy, it doesn't get any better than that, does it?
JEREMY: Hank, what's wrong with your apartment that you don't want to be there?
HANK: Nothing. My roommates are just driving me crazy.
CARTER: You have roommates.
HANK: Pretty much. Ben and Nathan have been there every night.
ME: So send their asses home.
HANK: Eh, I can't.
JEREMY: Why not?
HANK: I'll explain later.

Pretty soon the place started filling up. Carter and I got out on the dance floor while Jeremy and Hank stayed at the bar.

ME: Carter, try to grab my ass one more time and you're going to lose the ability to speak without whistling your 's's.
CARTER: Sorreeeeee.

I was wasted around one am, so I don't remember exactly what happened next, but I do recall Jeremy grabbing me and pulling me out of the club.

ME: Hey, what--
JEREMY: We have to go.
ME: Why?

Hank came up next to us with Carter.

HANK: Skanky here hit on one of the promoter's boyfriends and now the bouncers have all been instructed to pummel Carter or anyone with him.
ME: Can't we just throw him to the wolves and keep partying?
JEREMY: We're leaving.
ME: How could you hit on the promoter's boyfriend?
CARTER: I didn't know!
HANK: This is why we should stay in Rhode Island. We don't know the gay infrastructure here.

We tried a few of the exits, but they were all blocked by guys who were clearly looking for us.

Finally, we managed to find a back entrance, but as soon as we were out the door and into some alley we were surrounded by guys who make the Incredible Hulk look like Miley Cyrus.

JEREMY: Anybody know karate?
HANK: Oh yeah. Let me just call on my Megazord.
ME: Any last words, Carter?
CARTER: Eeee...

Then a voice--

VOICE: Back off guys.

We all turned...

And there was Davis.

DAVIS: Tell Mickey if he wants to continue being welcome in Providence, he'll tell that whore boyfriend of his to stop flirting with every walking dick he comes across. Either that or tell him to cool down his jealously streak. Either way my friends are going back inside and enjoying the rest of their night.

The Hulks dispersed.

JEREMY: You didn't tell me you were coming to--
DAVIS: Boston Pride? Have you met me? Of course I was going to be here. Good thing, too. Freddie's entourage is famous for making people look like Picasso's.
CARTER: Who's Picasso?
HANK: Shut up, you little twink. We almost got killed because of you.
DAVIS: I'm going back inside.

But Jeremy stopped him.

JEREMY: Davis, wait.

He walked up to him and kissed him.

HANK: Great. Just what I needed to see.

Davis had a smile on his face a mile wide when the kiss was over.

JEREMY: Thank you.
DAVIS: Anytime.

Then he went back inside.

CARTER: Hey Jeremy, are you and Davis a couple?

Jeremy turned and looked at him.

JEREMY: I don't know.

He laughed.

JEREMY: I just don't know...yet.

Carter and I looked at each other. If Davis liked Jeremy, that made Jeremy a hot commodity.

And neither one of us was good at turning down the opportunity to bag a hot commodity.

Three's Company

Hi, my name is Ben.

NATHAN: Just let me do all the talking.

I haven't had sex with my boyfriend for...

ME: You know, we have a few minutes until we get to the apartment, and there's nobody at that intersection.
NATHAN: Unfortunately I'm not a 16-year-old boy from Texas looking for a cheap thrill, Ben!
ME: Yeah, unfortunately.

...for way too long.

We get to Hank's new apartment a few minutes later. After a few knocks, Hank opens the door.

HANK: Is this when you hand me the pamphlets?
NATHAN: Hahaha...Hank, you're so adorable. We came to help you move.
ME: We got the facebook invite.
HANK: Did you get the part that said 'Come at four?' It's nine thirty.
NATHAN: You're right. It's so late. We should probably just crash here.
HANK: Huh?
ME: I mean, I'd have to drive back to New Bedford and Nathan would have to go to Foster--

--and we'd both have to drive back to separate beds, alone, sexless--or worse, have sex in the same house as our parents...

NATHAN: And you, me, and Ben are not nearly friendly enough.

...And Hank's the only one who has his own place that might actually fall for this.

HANK: That's because I hate Ben, and Ben hates me.
ME: Hatred is such a flexible emotion.

Nathan tries to push on.

NATHAN: We could keep you company. It must be a little weird being all on your own in your own apartment for the first time.

I can see this argument gets to Hank. He softens a little.

HANK: Okay, you can crash here for tonight.
NATHAN: Amazing!

We barreled into the apartment.

HANK: You can crash on the futon I guess.
NATHAN: Thank you, Hank, but Ben isn't allowed on futons after the whole cheating on me thing.
HANK: Well, there's--
NATHAN: I was kidding! Hahaha...The futon's great.
ME: It doesn't squeak much, does it?

Nathan elbows me in the side.

HANK: So what movie do you want to watch?

Got any porn?

ME: Family Guy DVD's are cool.

It looks like Nathan and I have a new best friend.

The March on City Hall

Hi, my name is Davis.

JEREMY: I like the idea of trying to get the Mayor in a compromising picture with Carter better.

I'm about to march on City Hall.

When sending Jeremy in to get dirt on the Mayor didn't work, I knew it was time for a bigger action--namely a rally right on the fucker's doorstep.

Everything was all set to go. Five hundred of us were meeting at the state house and walking down to City Hall.

Jeremy, ever the Scully to my Mulder, was trying to talk me out of it.

JEREMY: I'm not trying to talk you out of it.
ME: You're trying to dissuade me then.
JEREMY: Possibly dissuade--I'll give you dissuade.
ME: So now it's just a matter of semantics.
JEREMY: I don't want you to get hurt. This guy is insane. He might just unleash the dogs on you.
ME: I love dogs. Parakeets I'd be a little nervous about.

The crowd was ready to go.

JEREMY: Just promise me you'll be careful.
ME: Listen to you, like I'm heading to the Civil War. We should get you a bonnet.
JEREMY: Wow, you really do wear your defense mechanisms on your sleeve.

This is why Jeremy scares me--he knows me too well.

I turned to go, and then I thought, what the hell? The moment was already so melodramatic.

ME: Hey Jeremy--

Before I could change my mind, I walked up to him and kissed him.

He looked stunned. I think we both did.

JEREMY: What was--
ME: What Ritchie said on the tape...it was true.
JEREMY: Wait, are you saying you--
ME: I'm not sure I can say it yet. My heart is still two sizes too small.

Silence.

JEREMY: So I guess we're going to talk about this later.
ME: That's if I make it back from Gettysburg in one piece.

I laughed and walked away, still sort of caught up in the moment.

We're Here to Help

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

MAYOR BURKE: I'm just a little surprised. I didn't think Brad would be open to--
ME: He's very open.
HANK: Extremely open.

I'm about to dupe the Mayor.

Now that his policies are starting to coincide with Pride, everyone's worried that the festivities will be canceled. So, Hank and I--along with Eli, since Brad is his new "friend"--were enlisted to get some dirt on his honor, so that we could blackmail the shit out of him.

And guess what we came up with?

ME: We've had amazing success rates with other--uh--
HANK: Catty little queers.

Maybe I should have briefed Hank a little better.

MAYOR: My wife and I, obviously, are not overly thrilled with Brad's lifestyle choice, which is why he wasn't at the forefront of my campaign. However, the idea of aversion therapy--
ME: Oh no, we don't do anything like that.
HANK: We're much more progressive.
MAYOR: In what way?

And we're off...

ME: Mayor, don't you feel it's not just homosexuality that's become a problem? I mean, it's the whole way society operates.
MAYOR: Perhaps, but what does have to do with--
HANK: It's the broken window, Mayor.
ME: Your son went right through it. And you know who broke that window?
MAYOR: Who?
ME: The blacks.
HANK: The Hispanics.
ME: Asians.
HANK: Jews.
ME: Italians.
MAYOR: I'm sorry. Am I hearing you, right?

I might need a little one-on-one here.

ME: Hank, didn't you say you needed to use the men's room before we got here?
HANK: Yes actually, I--
MAYOR: Down the hall, third door on the right.
HANK: Thanks.

Hank took off, and I went for the throat.

ME: C'mon Mayor, you know we've got bigger problems in Providence than just the gay population. They're just step one.

The plan? Get the Mayor to say something negative about any ethnic group, race, or minority--and we're golden.

MAYOR: To be honest, uh, what did you say your name was?
ME: Ben.

Hey if you're going to play a hateful shrew--

MAYOR: To be honest, Ben, I don't equate a sexual...choice...to be the same as something a person has no say in--such as race, or--
ME: But Mayor--
MAYOR: I don't think I'd like my son entering into your program. I'll have a talk with Brad about why he seemed to be so interested in it. I certainly don't want my son spouting defamatory rhetoric wherever he goes.

Oh damn.

ME: Sir, we can help him.
MAYOR: I think I can do that on my own. Have a good day.

And he showed me to the door.

Hank and I met up again outside. I pulled out my tape recorder and spoke into it.

ME: Sorry Davis.

We were going to need a Plan B.

HANK: You know, I feel like I know that guy from somewhere.
ME: The bowels of Hell maybe?
HANK: No, someplace else.
ME: Hank, if he cancels Pride--
HANK: Providence is going to become a warzone.

It might be time to start rallying the troops.

Bradeli

Hi, my name is Eli.

BRAD: Kiss me.
ME: Huh?

I'm kissing a boy.

ME: I kissed a boy.
HANK: And you liked it?
JEREMY: Well I think that goes without saying.

We were all in the fishbowl. The year was winding down and everybody was making plans for the summer.

JOEY: Is everyone going to Pride?
JEREMY: That's if there is a Pride. The Mayor's trying to shut it down.
CAL: That's bullshit.

Wait a minute, didn't I just announce something huge?

ME: I KISSED A BOY!
ALL: WE HEARD YOU!

The door to the fishbowl opened and a strange figure appeared.

JEREMY: Davis?
DAVIS: Hey CBQ's.
JOEY: Davis, if you want to talk to me--
DAVIS: I don't actually. I need to talk to Eli.

Huh?

ME: What do you need to talk to me about?
DAVIS: About your new boyfriend.
ME: Brad?
DAVIS: It seems you've made yourself useful, Eli.
JEREMY: Davis, what are you--
DAVIS: Brad just happens to be the mayor's son.

Everybody turned and looked at me.

CAL: So about you kissing that boy.

Love, Again

Hi, my name is Joey.

DAVIS: Back so soon?

I needed a drink after the week at A.C.T.F, so I headed to a newly opened Prisms, and of course, ran right into Davis.

ME: I need to relax.
DAVIS: Would I be stopping you from doing that?
ME: You tell me.
VOICE: Leave him alone, Davis.

I turned around to see Jeremy approaching the bar.

DAVIS: C'mon Jeremy, just let me swat at him a couple of times.
JEREMY: We've all been punished enough. Trust me.
DAVIS: Nobody won any medals at your little lesbian competition?
ME: Thespians.
DAVIS: Same thing.

Davis went off to mingle, leaving me and Jeremy at the bar.

ME: So how are things with you and Billy?
JEREMY: I think I might be nearing closure.
ME: Really?
JEREMY: Yeah. Who knows--any day now I might actually be considered an adult?
ME: Let me know what that's like.

A second or so later, I found a drink in front of me.

ME: I'm sorry, but I think you may have--
BARTENDER: It's from the kid at the end of the bar.
JEREMY: That's Max Shetter.
ME: Shetter? Awful last name.
JEREMY: Well you could always go by his other name.
ME: Huh?
JEREMY: He's Daphne Woodward every other night.
ME: You mean he's a--
BARTENDER: Hey, show a little respect for the state's best drag queen.
JEREMY: Please, Reva Spiver is sooo much more spot.
ME: Spot?
JEREMY: Spot as in spot on. The kids from Bridgewater State were saying it, and I just picked it up. Slap me if I do it again.
ME: Will do.

I waited for Jeremy to head downstairs and then walked over to say hello to Max...Daphne...whatever.

He seemed so cool, and pretty soon we were laughing and having a great time...and then...

Somehow we wound up making out.

Who knew I was going to be able to fall in love at first sight again after Bart and Davis and Nathan and--

MAX: Hey, you're going to Pride right?
ME: Oh my God, that's this week, isn't it?
MAX: Yeah. You can be my date if you want.
ME: I'd love that!

I looked across the bar and saw Davis and Jeremy shaking their heads, but I didn't care.

All I cared about was my new man.

ACTF--When We Dance

Hi, my name is Billy.

JOEY: ACTF is over.
HANK: Thank the fucking gods of drama.
BEN: There was only one god of drama.
ELI: And his name is Eli.

Now is one of those times when I wish that I was a drinker.

CARTER: Guys, Jesus didn't do theater. They didn't have theater in ancient Rome.

A heavy drinker.

We were all at the "End of ACTF" dance. We got our own table, and it certainly wasn't a happy one. Nobody had progressed very far in the competition. Cal was talking about changing his major. Nathan seemed depressed about something and kept looking over at this kid Christopher two tables down. Jeremy wasn't even there.

The last part bothered me the most.

Where was--

ME: I'm going to go get a soda. Does anybody want anything?
CAL: How about a knife to fall on?
ME: I'll work on that.

I went up to the refreshments table and looked to see if there was anything left besides Diet Pepsi. That was when I felt the hand on my shoulder.

ME: Carter, do we have to talk about good touching and bad touching again?
JEREMY: Oh right--head, and shoulders, crotch and mouth.

I turned around and almost fell over. Jeremy looked--

ME: You look amazing.
JEREMY: Some of the RIC kids asked me to go shopping with them, and they convinced me to buy this little ensemble.
ME: Good for them, and for you. It's a big improvement.
JEREMY: Because I normally look like an Okie Freedom Fighter?
ME: No, it's just--

But he laughed.

And then I laughed.

Then we were quiet.

Until--

JEREMY: Do you want to dance?

And before I could--

ME: Yes.

So we went out onto the floor. Just as "Invisible Man" started to play.

JEREMY: How appropo.
ME: It's appropos.
JEREMY: Grammar police, much?
ME: Very much.

I could feel the eyes of everyone from the Ocean State table burning into us, but actually, I didn't care.

There was a moment--one of those weird movie moments--when everything seemed to slow down and I was just talking and dancing...

...with Jeremy.

JEREMY: So how was your first ACTF?
ME: Does mentioning that it will be my last ACTF give you any clue?
JEREMY: We've all been through a lot this year. I think maybe we were putting too much pressure on this to be some sort of getaway.
ME: It definitely wasn't that.
JEREMY: I don't believe in getaways. You have to face things eventually.
ME: I guess. But you're more honest with yourself than a lot of other people.
JEREMY: I doubt that.
ME: It's true. Everyone we know is hiding something. You're not hiding anything.
JEREMY: Or am I?

I laughed again.

I wish you'd look at me that way.

ME: You requested this song, didn't you?
JEREMY: How did you know?
ME: I should probably tell you what I'm hiding.
JEREMY: You're hiding something?
ME: I was awake the other night. When you said--
JEREMY: Ohhh...
ME: I don't mean to embarrass you.
JEREMY: Who said I was embarrassed?
ME: You're--
JEREMY: Billy, I'm not ashamed about how I feel towards you. You're a great guy. I don't see how anyone couldn't love you.

I felt my face flushing.

ME: I think you--
JEREMY: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: Sure.
JEREMY: Just for this moment, can it just be you and me? Just dancing? Can I just pretend that right now I'm the only guy here you want to be with? I know it's unhealthy, and lame, and whatever else, but...Can I just have this dance?

I looked at him.

ME: Yes.

And that's when I knew.

JEREMY: Thank you.

The music played.
The air softened.
The experience ended.

And all that was left was that dance--and a boy who loved me.

But because of so many things that I say I don't care about--
Things that exhaust me with their persistence--
I didn't admit that I was starting to love him too.

And then I had one more thing to hide.

ACTF--Cracks in the Facade

Hi, my name is Nathan.

CHRIS: So did you have fun?

I'm in heaven.

ME: Yeah, that was all right.

This new semi-open relationship set-up is heaven. Ben and I just hooked up with this kid Chris. He's bratty, bitchy, and hot. All the things I love.

And...and this is between you and me...

Ben went off to get some drinks with the other guys, while Chris and I...

CHRIS: You sure Ben won't be mad?
ME: Please, he has no right to get mad about anything.
CHRIS: Even so.
ME: What about your boyfriend? Won't he be mad?
CHRIS: Um, he went abroad last semester and...Let's just say I do what I want.
ME: Ditto.

Chris jumped on the bed and started to kiss me. He's insatiable.

I love it.

We kept talking and then going at it, over and over again, for what seemed like hours.

CHRIS: So you really love Ben?
ME: Yeah, totally.

Chris got up and started getting dressed.

ME: What's wrong?
CHRIS: I don't know. I guess I was hoping...
ME: Hoping what?
CHRIS: Is it weird that I really like you?
ME: No...I guess not. I like you, too.

He leaned over and kissed me--so sweetly, I might add.

CHRIS: That means we need to stop.

And he left. Ben came back an hour later and fell on the bed--passed out. I laid next to him...and the whole time...

I was wishing Chris was there.

Maybe this little arrangement isn't so great after all.

ACTF--Can't Say No

Hi, my name is Carter.

HANK: What's your tally, whore?

Normally I'd be upset by Hank calling me a whore.

ME: 23.
HANK: Wow, I'm actually surprised.

I've been...bad.

Four of us were eating at the hotel restaurant--Jeremy, Billy, Hank and me.

JEREMY: You've had sex with 23 people this past week?
ME: Not full sex. Not always...
BILLY: Were you really the one who initiated the RIC orgy?
ME: No!
HANK: Were you there?
JEREMY: It was in his room.

I should explain.

That kid Kevin was hanging out in my room, because I was trying to get in his...I wanted to be friends with him. Then he invited some of his friends over. Then he left. But his friends stayed. Then nakedness occurred.

JEREMY: Kudos to Kevin for not falling for your tricks, and I mean that word in every way it could possibly be used.
BILLY: Kevin's just a goodie goodie.
HANK: And you're not?
BILLY: I'm not a prude; I'm just inexperienced!
ME: I woke up this morning and there was only one person there.
JEREMY: Who?

I thought maybe Hank had come back to the room, but then I remembered that he vowed never to sleep within twelve feet of me again after he found me in bed with...never mind.

So I poked the lump next to me.

LUMP: Mmmmm....no.
ME: Excuse me?

The Lump rolled over and it turned out to be that kid Albert.

ME: Wow, this feels weird.
LUMP: Mmmm.....english muffin.
ME: Please don't call me that.

I really need to get that thing...

You know, self-control.

ACTF--Think Again

Hi, my name is Cal.

JUDGE: I think you should consider changing your major.

I'm in shock.

ME: I'm sorry--what did you say?

Jeremy and I had just finished our scene in the first round of the competition, and the judges were...not thrilled.

JUDGE: We felt your partner was fantastic.
JEREMY: Thank you.
JUDGE: But you, Cal, were...less so.

I could punch a baby monkey right now.

ME: I see.
JUDGE: I'm sorry to be so firm. It's just that...some people have it, and some people don't. And if you don't have it, well...

Jeremy tried to make me feel better later when we were eating in the hotel's restaurant.

JEREMY: They don't know what they're talking about.
ME: They called you fantastic.
JEREMY: Well, they were right about that, but the other stuff--

I was determined not to let it get me down. I went out that night to the trashiest bar in town I could find. I even convinced some of the boys to come with me.

HANK: This place is giving me herpes.
ELI: I'm so drunk right now.
ME: You're saying you want to make out?
ELI: Ewww--no. Why do you want to?

The place needed a little spicing up. So I dropped a nickel into the jukebox--how fifties right?--and "Walk Like an Egyptian" came on.

HANK: Cal, what are you doing?
ME: I'm bringing back 'Walk Like an Egyptian.'
ELI: When did it go away?

I pulled the boys up onto the bar with me and instantly the place went nuts. Granted Hank's Egyptian dance looked more like the Ally Sheedy Breakfast Club maneuver, but that's okay.

I got back to my room at around 2am and called Rufus, my ex.

RUFUS: What's up babe?
ME: I'm quitting theater forever.
RUFUS: Cool. Want to have phone sex?
ME: Sure why not?

I needed something to dull the pain.