ACTF--A New Arrangement

Hi, my name is Ben.

NATHAN: We need a new arrangement.

I'm in negotiations with my boyfriend.

Nathan and I were sitting in his hotel room talking about our relationship. I'd rather be eating live eels, but Nathan has carte blanche on my testicles since my little infidelity escapade.

There was a knock on the door.

NATHAN: One sec.

He opened the door, and that kid Albert from RIC was standing there.

NATHAN: C'mon in, Albert.

I was confused.

ME: Nathan, do you mind telling me what's going on?
NATHAN: Of course. I'm going to be having sex with Albert. You'll be watching but not participating.
ME: Excuse me?
ALBERT: I think I'll use the bathroom.

He went in and shut the door.

ME: Nathan, are you--
NATHAN: You strayed, Ben. And I forgave you. But now I want to stray, and I feel I should be allowed to, especially since I'm giving you the opportunity to keep an eye on me, a luxury I was not afforded.
ME: You're just going to have sex with some kid you don't know?
NATHAN: I'm sorry. Is this morality talking?
ME: Nathan--
NATHAN: Ben, if you're good, and I want to stray again, or you do--which is bound to happen since we're both gay and young--then we might even be able to come to a newer arrangement.

Hmm...I didn't hate that idea.

NATHAN: But for now, you're a watcher. C'mon out, Albert.

And that was how I knew we'd be together for a very long time.

Damaged

Hi, my name is Davis.

JEREMY: Whores 'R Us, Manager Speaking.

I am not at A.C.T.F.

Thank God.

ME: How the Queens behaving themselves?
JEREMY: They're not. We've all been going out every night and Carter's hiding his inner pain from being mugged by bedding half the gays in every theater department in the state.
ME: What about the other half?
JEREMY: Cal's getting them.

I was just coming back to my apartment after a long day of putting together press releases for Pride. The Mayor was trying to shut it down completely, but so far, RI-TRI and I had been able to fend him off.

ME: Have any of you actually won anything?
JEREMY: I think we forgot that was actually a goal.

As soon as I opened the door, I knew something was wrong.

ME: Shit.
JEREMY: Huh?
ME: I'll call you back.

My apartment had been ransacked. Clothes were everywhere. Furniture was torn up. There was broken glass and food on every surface.

It looked like my 19th Birthday party.

I would have chalked it up to burglary, but then I saw the poster on my bedroom door.

"Vote for Burke!"

It was from his last campaign.

ME: Son-of-a-bitch.

So this is what it feels like when somebody crosses the line.

ACTF--This Won't Be Weird

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

Knock Knock.

I was alone in my room after a lackluster scene performance during the day while my partner--Cal--was out carousing with some BC students at a bar that's either called "Buckey's" or "Lucky's."

I can't remember which.

People have different ways of dealing with disappointment.

Knock Knock.

I opened the door expecting to find a drunken Cal, but instead I got--

BILLY: Hi.

Oh boy.

BILLY: I have a favor to ask.
ME: Yes.
BILLY: Shouldn't you let me ask first.
ME: Good idea.
BILLY: Obviously, things are a little weird with Ben being here and all, and so I can't really stay in my--
ME: Stay here.
BILLY: Really?
ME: Cal's out drinking. I doubt he'll be coming back to the room. You can have his bed.
BILLY: Amazing, thanks.

Although I was more than glad to help, another part of me thought--

You're not entirely over him yet. This might not be the best--

BILLY: Do you mind if I take a shower?
ME: No, go ahead.

Oh God.
Oh God.
Oh God.

STOP!

BILLY: Do you want to come?
ME: Pardon?
BILLY: I said I'm going to get a soda first. Do you want to come?
ME: Oh, no thanks.

He must have asked that while I was Oh God-ing.

When he came back, I tried to play it cool. I sat on the bed watching the Discovery Channel.

BILLY: You enjoy mating?
ME: Huh?
BILLY: You're watching giraffes go at it.
ME: Oh, am I? OH GOD!

I turned off the television.

So much for looking cool.

We both stayed up talking for a bit, and then around 1am decided to call it quits. Billy got in Cal's bed, and I got in mine.

BILLY: Nite Jeremy.
ME: Nite Billy.
BILLY: Hey Jeremy?
ME: Yeah?
BILLY: I'm really sorry about...everything.
ME: You don't have--
BILLY: Yeah, I do, and I am...sorry.
ME: Okay.

Quiet. I kept breathing...in and out...in and out...and finally--

ME: I think I'm still in love with you.

And I waited.
And I waited.
And I waited.

Then I realized...he was asleep.

ME: So...yeah.

That's got to be some kind of a sign, right?

ACTF--I Like the Way You Do O'Neill

Hi, my name is Eli.

BRAD: That was awesome.

This is Brad.

Brad saw my scene and really liked it. Apparently I kicked its ass and then banged its sister.

ME: Thanks, I appreciate it.
BRAD: I'd love to see you do more O'Neill. Maybe some Iceman.
ME: Yeah, I'm not sure how good I'd look in a winter coat. Haha...

He sort of looked at me funny, but then smiled.

We went up to his room and hung out. He's pretty chill.

I could tell he was feeling me, but I mean, it's not the first time it's happened.

JEREMY: Where's he from?
ME: Prov.
BILLY: Where does he go to school?
ME: Clueless.
CAL: Did you two--
ME: No.

I was having dinner with the other Ocean State kids.

HANK: Does he know you're not going to--
ME: Would you guys just drop it?
VOICE: Hey Eli!

I shot them all a look that said, 'Say anything nasty and I'll flip your burgers.'

ME: Hey Brad, how's it going?
BRAD: Great, actually. I was wondering if I could crash in your room tonight though.
HANK: Mmhmm.
ME: Shut up, Hank.
BRAD: My roommate met up with some trashy kid and now they're going at it night and day. Maybe you know him, his name is--
ALL: Carter.
JOEY: You can stay in our room, Brad. I'll just stay with Hank, since Carter apparently won't be using his bed tonight.
HANK: Just make sure you sterilize it.
BRAD: You sure you don't mind?
ME: No, I guess it's all worked out.
BRAD: Great. Thanks.

He walked away.

5...4...3...2...1...

CAL: I'm coming out...I want the world to know...

I tried to stop them, but they were already gathered around me like the pink ladies in Grease.

ALL: Got to let it show...

Bitches weren't even on key. Just saying.

ACTF--We're Here

Hi, my name is Hank.

ME: If you bitches get us kicked out of this hotel, I'm going to flip out.

All the Ocean State kids just rolled up to the home site for A.C.T.F, and already there was trouble.

NATHAN: I can't believe you followed me here.
BEN: What makes you think I followed you?
NATHAN: Because nobody takes a vacation in Fitchburg!

Ben still wasn't trusting Nathan to be by himself.

JEREMY: Don't you find that a little ironic, Ben, considering--
BEN: Did I ask your opinion?
NATHAN: Where are you going to stay?
BEN: In your room. Where else?
BILLY: Yeah, I don't think so.
BEN: Don't want the competition, huh?
BILLY: Oh please.

Meanwhile, Carter was already hitting on some boy from another school.

CARTER: I'm known as the innocent one.
ME: Or He Who Has Gnono.
CARTER: Stop cb-ing me, Hankazoid.
ME: If I hadn't needed a free trip so bad, I never would have agreed to be your partner.

We weren't the only ones having trouble with our scene. Joey and Eli couldn't seem to get their act together.

JOEY: No, you say 'amended' because I have to say--'How can you say "amended"?'
ELI: Are you sure?
CAL: What's your scene about?
ELI: Joey's a closeted young man too scared to admit to himself who he is, and I'm the more comfortable gay guy trying to help him.
ME: Do you think maybe you should consider switching roles?

And that was when we saw them.

JEREMY: Oh, there's that kid, Kevin.

The RIC kids.

KEVIN: Hey Jeremy, good to see you made it okay.
JEREMY: Considering we all drove up in one van, it was a semi-miracle.

Nobody laughed. Just sayin'.

RIC KID #1: You guys took a van? We got a bus.
ME: Whoop dee fucking doo.
JEREMY: Hank!
RIC KID #2: Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.
CAL: Yes, but at least he showered and put gel in his hair afterwards.
RIC KID #3: Whoa, chill out Ocean State.
BEN: I kind of don't like the way you said that.
RIC KID #1: You planning on doing anything about it?

We were on the verge of rumbling when another kid walked up to the group.

RIC KID #4: Guys, we have to check in.
ELI: Good idea. Here's a better one, go play in traffic.
RIC KID #4: Did I miss something?
KEVIN: I think we got off on the wrong foot with these guys.
RIC KID #4: Huh? I'm confused.
JEREMY: I don't think we've met. I'm Jeremy.
RIC KID #4: I'm Justin.
RIC KID #1: Albert.
RIC KID #2: Steven.
RIC KID #3: Chuck.

I held out my hand.

ME: I'm Hank. I'll be one of the guys kicking your ass in the competition.

They looked at each other and walked away.

BILLY: What a bunch of catty bitches.
NATHAN: Enough about them. At least they don't have a psycho boyfriend.
BEN: God, you're such a whiner!

They all started bickering again.

This was going to be a fun week.

All I See Is You

Hi, my name is Billy.

JEREMY: How's he doing?
ME: All right, I guess. He's still kind of depressed.

We were at Carter's house visiting him. He had just gotten out of urgent care that day after getting mugged and pretty badly beaten up while walking around downtown.

JEREMY: I should have stayed on the phone with him until he got to his car.
ME: Don't do that, Jeremy. You know he does what he wants.

We were both sitting out on the porch. I was just starting to realize how warm the weather was getting.

Warm weather brings out odd things in me.

ME: We should go out tonight.
JEREMY: Huh?

See what I mean?

ME: It's nice out. We should...you know...do something.
JEREMY: Something...
ME: Friendly.
JEREMY: Right, well, yeah. Of course.
ME: Are you doing anything?
JEREMY: No, um...no.
ME: Cool. Pick me up at the dorm at eight, okay?
JEREMY: Yeah, sounds good.

I walked away wondering why I just did that. Maybe it was because I knew Jeremy had stayed with Carter every second since he found out about him and he could use the break.

Or maybe I'm just losing my mind.

The latter is a good possibility.

Unfortunately, the nice weather did not hold up. At seven it started raining, and it didn't stop. When my phone rang to tell me Jeremy was here, I texted him to park and come on in. It didn't occur to me that by the time he got into my room he'd be soaking wet.

Which is exactly what happened.

ME: I'm so sorry. You should have just told me no, and you could have waited in your car.
JEREMY: I don't think I'd be good at that.
ME: Waiting?
JEREMY: Telling you no.

Was he flirting?

JEREMY: Do you have a towel or something?
ME: You're going to need more than a towel. I'm giving you some dry clothes.

I picked out a decent enough outfit considering I had no idea where we were going, and handed it to him. He went to change in the bathroom, but as luck would have it--

JEREMY: Somebody's already in there.
ME: Well, I need to put on a new shirt anyway, so...we'll just face away from each other.
JEREMY: Like mature adults?
ME: Exactly, so stop smirking.

We both turned, but it was then I realized I was turned towards my mirror. Had he noticed that? Before I could say anything his shirt was already off.

And it wasn't...it was actually...

Okay, I'll just say this.

Jeremy's kind of hot when he's soaking wet and shirtless.

I was so busy staring I almost forgot to change my shirt. I got it on just as he was turning around. I remembered to stand in front of the mirror to hide it from view.

JEREMY: How do I look?
ME: Not bad.

He smiled. Was it just me or was his smile slightly cuter than all the other times I'd seen it?

JEREMY: Let's party.

We contemplated a few ideas before settling on a restaurant/bar on the East Side. After dinner and no drinking--we're probably the only college students who can eat out for under forty dollars--we headed--where else?--to the club.

It was packed. The place was practically throbbing with bodies. We made our way down to the dance floor.

JEREMY: I love this song.
ME: What is it?
JEREMY: The new Kylie--"All I See Is You."

We were dancing--but not really with each other, but I have to admit, I wasn't that uncomfortable being in a sort of hormone-filled arena with Jeremy.

What was going on with me?

VOICE: Jeremy!

I turned around to see a boy approaching us. A cute boy. And for some reason, I didn't like that he was smiling at--

JEREMY: Hey Kevin.
KEVIN: I love how I just met you a little while ago and I'm already running into you again.
ME: Well, we do live in the smallest state.
JEREMY: Kevin, this is my--
ME: I'm Billy.
KEVIN: Nice to meet you. Do you go to Ocean State too?
ME: That's right.
JEREMY: Kevin goes to RIC.
ME: Great.
KEVIN: So Jeremy, do you ever go anywhere besides the club?
JEREMY: Like where?
KEVIN: Coffee? Dinner?

Was this muppet actually asking Jeremy out? Who does that?

ME: We should get going.
JEREMY: Billy we just got here.
ME: I'm feeling sick.
KEVIN: Are you--
ME: Who do I have to throw up on to get taken out of this festering open sore?

That got some attention.

We pulled up back in front of my dorm fifteen minutes later.

JEREMY: So what was that about?
ME: I'm just not big on clubs, that's all.
JEREMY: You're the one that wanted to go there.
ME: So I made a mistake. I'm sorry.
JEREMY: Fair enough. We all make mistakes.
ME: You have this funny way of saying things.
JEREMY: What do you mean?
ME: Everything has this underlying meaning to it.
JEREMY: Everything just naturally does have an underlying meaning to it.
ME: Okay. Anyway, I should get to bed.
JEREMY: Billy, wait--

I stopped. I wanted him to say...God, a bunch of things, but instead he said--

JEREMY: I still have your pants on.

And I laughed at myself for...for...

ME: It's cool. Give them to me the next time you see me.
JEREMY: Sure. Have a good night.
ME: You too, and, um, thank you.

He smiled, I shut the door, and he took off.

And for some reason, I just stood there for awhile...

...It was almost like I was waiting for him to come back.

How I Justify

Hi, my name is Nathan.

BILLY: Tell me you're kidding.

I'm not kidding.

I was sitting in the Fish Bowl with Billy and the subject of Ben and I getting back together came up...

Naturally, Billy was displeased because, you know, he's in love with me.

ME: I'm sorry, but I can't help loving who I love.
BILLY: That's what the abused wives in the Lifetime movies say.
ME: They still make those movies?

Jeremy and Joey walked in.

JOEY: Hey, what's up?
BILLY: Nathan and Ben are back together.
JOEY: Oh...I have to leave.

Which he did.

Awkward.

ME: Look, I know what Ben did was awful--
JEREMY: Having a threeway on a futon thereby making you look ridiculous to the entire department?
ME: Yes, but--
BILLY: He would have never even said anything if Carter didn't brag about it to me.
JEREMY: Wait, you're the one who--
BILLY: I was trying to be a good friend!

He was trying to get in my pants.

Not that I mind.

It's not that I don't like Billy, but he's an A on the social scale, and Ben's an A+ -- Ben's the "get."

ME: What can I say? People make mistakes. We've moved past it.

That is to say, Ben and I have moved past it. I haven't moved past being pissed at Carter and Eli.

But I'm going to handle that in my own special way.

This department needs a few...changes.

City Streets

Hi, my name is Carter.

JEREMY: Carter, don't you have better things to be doing?

I'm killing time.

ME: Like what?
JEREMY: Like anything other than walking the streets of Providence at 2am?

I like the city at night. Walking through it clears my head.

Jeremy's worried.

ME: I'll be fine.
JEREMY: I just don't think it's safe.
ME: It's Providence, Jeremy, not L.A.
JEREMY: Just do one more lap around whatever block you're on and then go home, okay? Study your A.C.T.F. scene if you have nothing else to do.
ME: Yeah, I should get on that. I'll talk to you later.
JEREMY: So you're heading back?
ME: Sure. Night.
JEREMY: Night.

I hung up...

...And kept walking.

I'd made it over to the Performing Arts Center when I heard them behind me laughing. I wasn't really scared. I was right near the JWU Security Center and one of the clubs--

VOICE: Hey!

I turned around. There were five of them.

GUY #1: What's up?
ME: Nothing much.
GUY #2: You're out late, boy.
ME: I'm not a boy.
GUY #2: What did you say?
ME: I said I'm not--
GUY #1: Shut the fuck up.

He punched me in the stomach, and I went down. I felt someone kicking me, then someone else. I heard someone say 'Get his wallet,' but I'm not sure. I went to reach for my wallet, but then I remembered there's nothing in it, so why bother?

I tried to covering myself, but I didn't do too well.

I thought of Jeremy.

Actually, that was the last thing I thought of before I blacked out.

Meet Kevin Martin

Hi, my name is Cal.

JEREMY: I can't hear myself think!

I'm spending quality time with Jeremy.

We were trying out a new bar that just opened downtown. The music is loud. The guys are skanky. The drinks are too strong.

My kinda place.

ME: Live a little, you prude!
JEREMY: We should be studying our scene, shouldn't we?
ME: You want to run lines on a Saturday night?
JEREMY: Cal, I want to do well at A.C.T.F.
ME: So do I, but if you think I'm going to spend a free week in a hotel surrounded by hot college boys rehearsing a scene from Death of a Salesman, you're crazy.
JEREMY: I knew I should have asked Hank.
ME: He's already working with someone.
JEREMY: Who?
ME: Carter.
JEREMY: Carter? They'll kill each other!
ME: Sometimes anger breeds chemistry. That's why I like my sex rough.

Before Jeremy could continue whining, I waltzed over to the bar. It only took a few seconds before I noticed the boy standing next to me.

ME: Hey.
BOY: Hey.
ME: Having trouble getting the bartender's attention?
BOY: No, it's just a little crowded in here and this was the spot I landed at.
ME: Lucky you.
BOY: Why lucky?
ME: Because you landed right next to me.

He smiled, but he seemed a little disinterested. Then Jeremy walked over to us.

JEREMY: Some guy just asked if I would clean his house in my underwear.
ME: I think I might have dated him last year.
BOY: Hi.
JEREMY: Um...hi.

Random Guy was smiling now. Wait a second--was he smiling at Jeremy?

BOY: Are you guys from around here?
ME: Yeah, we go to Ocean State.
BOY: Cool. I go to RIC.
ME: Poor you.
JEREMY: Cal!
BOY: It's okay. I don't mind. What's your name?
JEREMY: I'm Jeremy. This is Cal.
BOY: I'm Kevin Martin.

He shook Jeremy's hand, and left it there to linger for a second. This boy was already ticking me off. Who hits on Jeremy when I'm standing right there?

Luckily, Jeremy was totally oblivious.

JEREMY: We'd love to stay and chat, but we have to get going. Unless you want to stay Cal?
ME: No, I'm cool.

No way was I going to watch Jeremy get lucky with this tool.

ME: Besides, we have to practice for A.C.T.F.
KEVIN: You guys are going to A.C.T.F.? So am I.
JEREMY: I guess we'll see you there then.
KEVIN: You bet you will.

I grabbed Jeremy and we headed for the door.

Note to self: If I see Bad Taste Boy at A.C.T.F., sneer and walk the other way.

I Want You Back

Hi, my name is Ben.

NATHAN: Any part of you that steps inside this dorm room will be cut off and fed to something hungry with sharp teeth.

I'm apologizing.

ME: Nathan, please--
NATHAN: Forget it, Ben. It's over.
ME: I know that. I just...I...
NATHAN: What?
ME: I miss sleeping next to you.
NATHAN: Do what you did at the party. Sleep between Carter and Eli. That should keep you warm.

He slammed the door in my face.

This was going to be trickier than I thought.

After the threeway, I realized something. There really isn't anything as valuable as an on-campus boyfriend. The drive back home every night is killing me, and even though being single again would mean sex with whomever I want, it's not like I couldn't have that and the boyfriend--as long as I'm more discreet.

But I have to get Nathan back. If not for the fact that I really do care about him, for the convenience.

ME: Fine, but don't forgive me.

Here comes the sap.

ME: But don't expect me to stop loving you.

I started to walk away, but stopped when I heard the door open.

Bingo.

NATHAN: Wait.

I turned around.

NATHAN: Did you just say you love me?
ME: Yeah, I did, and I do. I think I got scared and that's why...Why I did what I did. I've just never felt this way about anybody before and I wanted to fight it, but I just can't. But I guess that doesn't matter.

I started to walk away again.

NATHAN: Ben, would you just wait?

I can already see the little cherries lining up on the slot machine.

NATHAN: Maybe we do need to talk.

Jackpot.

The Meeting

Hi, my name is Davis.

MICHAEL: Davis, the Mayor's here.

I was about to meet the Devil.

A special meeting with the Mayor had been arranged through RI-TRI. It was in the hopes of amending some of the policies he was bringing forth in regards to Providence's gay communities. Recent raids of gay establishments and an attempted "scaled-back" approach to Pride in June were just a few of the new measures taken to make Providence more "family friendly."

Notice all the f**king quotation marks?

I wasn't really up for a meeting. I prefer the quote--"storm city hall and lay siege to the f**kers" approach, but the boys at RI-TRI wanted to try the whole catch a fly with honey thing first.

Nevertheless, I was the one who was going to be doing all the talking.

Mayor Burke arrived twenty minutes late--not unusual--and with a small entourage. They stood up against the wall while he sat down in his seat across from me at the conference table. The other RI-TRI members went over to shake his hand.

I stayed where I was.

MAYOR BURKE: I notice you didn't stand when I entered, John.
ME: I didn't want you to think I was about to bum rush you.
MAYOR BURKE: I would never think that.
ME: Then you might want to be a little more cautious.

I was eager to cut past all the chit chat and get to the point.

MAYOR BURKE: What can I do for all of you?
ME: We want you to back the f**k off.
MICHAEL: Davis!
MAYOR BURKE: It's all right. If John here wants to use foul language to express his beliefs, that's fine with me.
ME: Fan-f**king-tastic.
MAYOR BURKE: It's people like you that are the reason for the crackdowns, John. I don't want Providence to be a city overrun with bitter, disillusioned young men searching for their identity.
ME: Who's searching? I know exactly who I am.
MAYOR BURKE: Really, John? Do you?
ME: This isn't about me.

The Mayor stood up and began making his way around the table.

MAYOR BURKE: No, but it's about people like you. All of you. This city has failed you. It's driven you to lives of emptiness, of cheap thrills.
ME: Is that what you think being gay is? An endless chase for the next lustful fix?
MAYOR BURKE: Isn't it?
ME: No. Being young is an endless chase for the next lustful fix. We just get out fixes from each other.
MICHAEL: Davis--
ME: Sorry Mayor, but I'm not ashamed of my lifestyle, and I enjoy reveling in it--AND--as an American, I have the right to do so--in public and proudly.

Mayor Burke returned to his seat and sat down.

MAYOR BURKE: I can see there just isn't any getting through to you gentlemen.
ME: Can I take that to mean you're not going to budge?
MAYOR BURKE: On the contrary, I think I need to increase the intensity of my latest policies.
ME: You do that, and you're going to have a problem on your hands.
MAYOR BURKE: You actually think you can be a problem for me? I run this city.
ME: Or so you think.

And that was that. The Mayor got up and left.

I heard one of the men in the Mayor's entourage mumble something. Before he could move, I was out of my seat and in his face.

ME: What did you say?
ENTOURAGE GUY: I said you fags should learn to show some resp--

But before he could get out anymore, I had already sent a left hook to his jaw. This caused the other members of the entourage to rush me, while the RI-TRI guys ran to my side.

Pretty soon, it was a full-out brawl with most of us being arrested for assault.

The war had begun.

Showdown in The Fish Bowl

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

ME: Quite a party last night, huh?
ELI: Yeah, I wish I could remember it.

Eli and I were sitting in the Fish Bowl during Tech for the musical. It's moments like these that I really enjoy. Despite all the craziness of the past few days, just taking a moment to relax during the hectic rush of a production really feels good.

ELI: Uh oh.

Of course, surprises are always welcome.

Nathan came barreling into the Fish Bowl and made a beeline for Eli.

NATHAN: Did you do it?
ELI: Did I...what? Do what?
NATHAN: Did you have sex with my boyfriend last night?

Nathan didn't seem to realize I was in the room. Apparently, God does have moments when he fancies me.

ELI: I don't know what you're talking about.
NATHAN: Really? Because Carter was just telling Billy in his dressing room that he, you, and Ben had a three-way last night on Davis' futon after I left.
ELI: No! I mean, Carter and Ben did--but I got up and--slept on the floor...

He sounded about as convincing as I do when I tell Davis the t-shirt under the vest look wears well on him.

NATHAN: So if I ask Davis where you were sleeping when he woke up this morning, he'll say on the floor?
ELI: Uh...
NATHAN: Uh what?
ELI: I was so drunk.

I thought Nathan was going to punch him, but instead he just backed away.

NATHAN: That does it, Eli.
ELI: Nathan, just calm down.

In my head I was screaming, DON'T CALM DOWN! THIS IS GETTING GOOD!

NATHAN: Eli, if everyone didn't already know you were gay, they will by tomorrow.

With that, he walked out of the room with Eli going after him.

I sat there in a stunned silence.

A few seconds later, Eli reappeared.

ELI: You're going to pretend like you didn't hear that, right?
ME: Not a chance.
ELI: I didn't think so.

He might have said something else, but I was too busy wondering how I was going to retell the story in my latest myspace bulletin.

The Futon

Hi, my name is Eli.

ME: I have to go..um...hehehe...

I need to go home.

I'm drunk.
I'm being stupid.
I'm in the mood to make out with a boy.

And everyone's fighting.

I walk into the kitchen--

JEREMY: I don't understand. Why does Joey think you love me?
DAVIS: Because I do! In a friendly way. Joey's just jealous.
JEREMY: Are you sure? Because you could tell me if--
DAVIS: Jeremy, I don't love you, okay? You know me. I'm not like that.
JEREMY: Fine.

And Jeremy starts to go--

DAVIS: Jeremy, wait!

I follow after him. He can lead me to the elevator. I should have gone with Hank when he took off, but I like my alcohol on the free side, for real.

NATHAN: You're not going to tell me what I can and can't do, Ben.

Ben and Nathan are fighting in the living room. Nathan grabs his coat.

BEN: Nathan, where are you going?
NATHAN: Jeremy can drive me home.
BEN: The Hell he can!

But Nathan and Jeremy are already gone.

JOEY: This night was a disaster.
DAVIS: Kind of like our relationship.
JOEY: If you want to call it that.

Ben starts to cry.

It's awkward.

Joey goes into Jeremy's old room and shuts the door.

DAVIS: If anyone is going to crash here, just pull out the futon. And no puking anywhere.

He goes into his room and shuts the door.

Then it's just me, Carter, and Ben.

Carter leans over Ben's shoulder and presses his cheek up against Ben's face.

CARTER: It'll be okay, Ben.

He slowly begins to kiss his neck. Ben pushes him away at first, but then finally he gives in and the two of them are lying down on the bed going at it.

I look down at them and think...

Well, I don't think much of anything. I don't have to.

After a few seconds, they realize I'm there.

And then before I know it, my shirt's off...

...And that's the last thing I remember.

Damage Control

Hi, my name is Hank.

ELI: Hank, stop acting like this is all about you.

I'm about to cut some bitches.

Ritchie's message to us all had barely set in before people started doing some damage control.

ME: I'm the only one he really insulted.
BEN: Billy, you're going to have to find a new ACTF partner, because Nathan is not going with you.
NATHAN: Excuse me?
BEN: I don't want you two staying alone together in a--
NATHAN: Oh please, Ben!
BILLY: This is insane.
CARTER: I'll take Nathan.
BEN: Yeah, like that'll make me feel any better.

Davis picked up a chair and threw it across the room shattering a glass bowl full of condoms.

DAVIS: Excuse me, but did I hear something about a threeway?
CARTER: I should leave now.

He went for the door, but Davis clotheslined him to the floor.

JEREMY: Davis, knock it off.
DAVIS: I'm not in love with you.
JEREMY: Okay.
DAVIS: I don't know where he got that from.
JOEY: From me.
DAVIS: What?
JOEY: He got it from me.
ME: Was that before or after the threeway?
CARTER: My spleen hurts.

I helped the little bitch up.

ME: I'm leaving to go get a drink at a place where I can't hear my own fury. Any takers?

Almost everybody raised their hands.

JOEY: But guys, it's my birthday.
ME: We'll stop by later to see if the rubble's cleared.

It was time to get drrrrruuuunk.