Cliffhangers

Hi, my name is Eli.

This year, my friends and I have been through a lot.

HANK: They're going to cost us our reservation.

So to celebrate the upcoming summer, we decided to get together at the Cheesecake Factory, but some of our party was missing.

The people who showed up were acting strange, too.

ME: Carter, are you feeling okay? You look sick.
CARTER: I'm a Daddy.
ME: What?

* * * * *

Carter's House

CARTER: It doesn't even look like me.
CHERYL: That's because it's a sonogram photo, asshole.
CARTER: It can't have been me. I don't even like girls.
CHERYL: You liked me enough that night you came crying to my door.
CARTER: I was confused.
CHERYL: Then I guess I'm giving birth to a question mark, but you're still paying child support for it. This baby is going to have a Daddy in his life, even if it's a gay one.
CARTER: Eee...

* * * * *

HANK: Should I call DYCF now or wait another month?
ELI: Should I call them?
HANK: You mean the happy couple?
RITCHIE: Please, don't make me throw up.
CAL: Ritchie, how did that trip to New Hampshire go?
RITCHIE: Let's not talk about it.

* * * * *

Denton, New Hampshire

The Grand Theater

RITCHIE: Hi, I'm here to see the Artistic Director.
MERYL: He's dead.
RITCHIE: That's very funny.
MERYL: Who's kidding? He dropped dead this morning.
RITCHIE: Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
MERYL: I'm not. He was a bastard. Who are you supposed to be?
RITCHIE: I'm an actor. I'm joining the company this season.
MERYL: Ha! Good luck with that honey.
RITCHIE: Are they a tough bunch?
MERYL: Let's put it this way. Burt didn't die on his own. The police suspect foul play.
RITCHIE: I guess that makes me Angela Lansbury.

* * * * *

VOICE: Eli Love? Party of--
HANK: You put our names in under Eli Love?
ELI: What's wrong with that?

Just then, I saw Billy walk in.

BILLY: Sorry I'm late.
JOEY: Is--
BILLY: Yes, he's coming. Why aren't you guys sitting?
CAL: We're waiting on...
BILLY: Right. The happy couple.
CARTER: Hey Billy, do you want to be a godfather?
RITCHIE: Anybody makes a fairy godfather joke and they're getting punched in the throat.
CAL: Speaking of happy couples, how are things going with you and Max going Joey?
JOEY: Um...okay...I guess.

* * * * *

Joey and Max's Apartment

MAX: Joey!
JOEY: Uh oh.
MAX: How could you?
JOEY: I'm sorry.
MAX: With him? Of all people?
JOEY: I'm just not good at this whole thing where you only stay in love with one person.
MAX: You mean a healthy relationship and a mature outlook on life?
JOEY: Yes.
MAX: Do your friends know you're cheating on me with one of them?
JOEY: I was kind of hoping to keep that a secret.
MAX: Keep hoping.

* * * * *

VOICE: We're here!

Everyone turned to see Nathan and Ben arrive.

HANK: Finally, we can sit.
NATHAN: Sorry we're late.
BEN: We got a little caught up...hehehe...
CAL: Eww.
BILLY: So much for eating.
NATHAN: Couples counseling has done wonders. And we never would have even thought of it if it hadn't been for watching Tell Me You Love Me.
CARTER: Aw, I'm glad you guys are back together. I missed having a happy couple in the group.
BEN: That's us. The happy couple.

* * * * *

Right before dinner...

BEN: Remember, we're only doing this--
NATHAN: Right, until--
BEN: You remember the deal?
NATHAN: Yes, yes, I remember.
BEN: Once I get Billy back, all bets are off.
NATHAN: Just remember what you promised me.
BEN: Please, how could I forget?

* * * * *

We all sat down and placed our orders.

ME: Does anyone know what shows we're doing next season?
CAL: Yup, and I'll be directing the second slot.
HANK: Cal, they don't let students direct the mainstage.
CAL: First time for everything.

* * * * *

Murray's Office

MURRAY: So you're blackmailing me?
CAL: That's such a nasty word.
MURRAY: What would you call it?
CAL: Career advancement by way of force.
MURRAY: If anyone finds out what happened--
CAL: Now why would I jeopardize my meal ticket like that?

* * * * *

We were halfway through our appetizers when we realized who was missing.

DAVIS: Thanks for waiting for me.
HANK: Don't mess with me when I'm hungry Davis.

Davis sat at the table next to Billy.

DAVIS: So, how's my new best friend?
ME: This arrangement still makes me uncomfortable.

* * * * *

The Train Station

JEREMY: Davis, do you really want us to get back together?
DAVIS: Not really. I just want us to be friends again.
JEREMY: Good. Because I'm choosing Billy.
BILLY: Yes!
JEREMY: On one condition.
BILLY: Damn.
JEREMY: When I'm gone, I need you and Davis to learn to get along.
DAVIS: Perhaps you didn't hear the word 'Choose.'
JEREMY: I heard it, but if you want me to be either your best friend or your boyfriend, then I need you two to get along.
BILLY: So we have to be--
JEREMY: Summer buddies. You got it.

* * * * *

HANK: Should we take bets on who kills who first?
CAL: I put my money on Billy. He's sly.
BILLY: Enough, you guys.
JOEY: Hank, didn't you say you had some big announcement?
HANK: Yeah, but why don't we wait on that?
DAVIS: Good, because I have news. We're going to have a new CBQ for the summer.
CARTER: Who?

* * * * *

Davis' New Place

Knock, Knock.

DAVIS: I'm coming, I'm--Whoa.
SURPRISE: Hello Davis.
DAVIS: Jeremy, I just left you at the train--
SURPRISE: Try again.
DAVIS: Oh God, you're kidding.
SURPRISE: Call it a homo exchange program. Jeremy's in New York, and I'm here.
DAVIS: And where are you staying, Jackson?
JACKSON: Is your bed available?

* * * * *

ELI: Twin brother? Jeremy has a twin brother?
DAVIS: And he's a piece of work. So be careful around him.
BEN: Why didn't Jeremy warn us he was coming?
NATHAN: Because he's a bitch.
BILLY: Hey, watch it!
HANK: He's having fun in New York, and we're stuck here.

* * * * *

A Bar in New York City.

JEREMY: This is so much fun. Thank you for taking me out.
IAN: No problem, Jeremy.
VINCENT: You're so inducted into our group.
ADAM: Definitive.
JEREMY: Well that'll be nice for the summer. I'm going to miss my CBQ's.
IAN: CBQ's?
JEREMY: Catty Bitchy Queens.
VINCENT: Omg, loves it.
ADAM: We could be like--your summer spin-off.
IAN: Def, nobody's cattier than Fashion Institute students.
VINCENT: Can't you just see it?
ALL: Catty Bitchy Queens: Fashion Institute Edition!
JEREMY: Oh man, am I in trouble.

* * * * *

CAL: Enough stalling. Announcement time.
ME: Are you going back in the closet?
HANK: Very funny. I actually did a little detective work, and...
DAVIS: And?
HANK: I know who Wilde is.
ALL: What?

* * * * *

A cafe.

HANK: Have a seat.
WILDE: Sure thing.
HANK: So have you just been creeping around this whole time?
WILDE: It's a long story.
HANK: I'm dying to hear it.
WILDE: First you have to promise you're not going to give up my identity.
HANK: Let me hear the story. Then we'll talk.
WILDE: Deal.

To Be Continued...

The Choice

Hi, my name is Hank.

ME: My baby's leaving.

I'm a little emotional.

JEREMY: I'll be back in September, Hank.

We all drove Jeremy to the train station to see him off. Me, Cal, Eli, Carter, and Ritchie. It was hard to imagine a summer in Rhode Island without him.

ME: Who am I going to do bad community theater with?
RITCHIE: I'm heading out again soon anyway. I got a job offer in Denton, New Hampshire.
CAL: Doing what? Herding cattle?
RITCHIE: Apparently it's a theater hub.
CARTER: I want to work in a hub.
ELI: You are a hub.
JEREMY: Can we not fight on the day I'm leaving, please?

That's when we heard the boarding call.

JEREMY: Okay, time to go.

Hugs were exchanged, tears were shed (I'm not saying by who), and he was gone.

CAL: Providence is down a CBQ.
ELI: I wonder if Ashley Tisdale would consider moving here.

Just then--

VOICE: Stop the train!

Then--

VOICE: Stop the train!

Wait a second--

CARTER: Is there an echo in here?

I looked to my left and there was Billy running towards us. I looked to my right, and Davis was running towards us with Joey, Ben, and Nathan right behind him.

They almost collided into each other.

DAVIS: Is he gone?
BILLY: What do you care?
DAVIS: Excuse me?
BILLY: What do you want to get him back so you can cheat on him again?
RITCHIE: Whoa, slow down. What's going on?
DAVIS and BILLY: I need to see Jeremy.
ELI: It's too late. He took off.
BEN: Great. Can we go home now?
ALL: Shut up, Ben!

Billy sat down on the ground and caught his breath.

DAVIS: I'll buy a ticket to New York. I'm not going to leave things this way.
BILLY: Just leave him alone, Davis. He doesn't want you.
DAVIS: Who does he want? You?
BILLY: That's what I need to find out.
DAVIS: Let me answer for you. He doesn't want you. He doesn't need you. You should just disappear.
BILLY: Why? So you can get him back and hurt him again?
DAVIS: He left me a message on my cell phone saying he wanted to talk.
CAL: So why didn't you call him back?
DAVIS: I'm not sure what I'm going to say--I need to see him in person.
BILLY: After I do.
ELI: We could all go to New York. I've been wanting to see [title of show].
BILLY: I'm not going anywhere with the Grand Slut of Providence.

Everybody gasped, or maybe it was just me.

DAVIS: You know what's funny, Billy? The only reason people like you is because they want to get in your pants. Because you're a big score on the Bang Me pinball game. And you're only a big score because you walk around like a prude and make people curious. But eventually your little looks are going to fade, and your innocent demeanor is going to get tired, and a new crop of hard-to-get twinks are going to parade into Providence, and then you're going to wish you had as much fun as I do. And whose going to love you then, huh?

Silence.

VOICE: Oh, I think I could.

We all turned around to see Jeremy coming back towards us.

JEREMY: It was the wrong train. Mine's been delayed.
ELI: That's such a Gossip Girl cliffhanger.

Jeremy approached Billy and Davis.

JEREMY: I love you, don't I, Davis? Even after everything?
DAVIS: So that's your choice then?
JEREMY: I didn't make a choice.
BILLY: Well, you need to. Jeremy, do you feel the way about me the way I feel about you?
JEREMY: I just--
DAVIS: I agree with the little asshole. You need to pick, and you need to do it before you head off to New York for the summer.

We all looked at Jeremy, who was looking from Davis to Billy.

JEREMY: Fine. I know what I want.

We all held our breath, except for Eli, who said--

ELI: Dun dun dun!

Down to the Minute

Hi, my name is Joey.

DAVIS: He's leavin...on a jet plane...

I've never seen Davis like this until now.

ME: He's actually leaving on a train.
NATHAN: Davis, when can you be out?

Davis is getting rid of his apartment and moving to a much bigger place outside of Providence. Nathan is considering taking the place--

NATHAN: I want it.

Considering over, place taken.

DAVIS: I'll leave whenever you want. I'll throw myself off a bridge.
NATHAN: That won't be necessary unless I find an infestation problem or something.

Knock, knock.

Nathan went to get the door.

ME: You need to go say good-bye to Jeremy.
DAVIS: It's too late. His train leaves in an hour.
ME: He missed that train.
DAVIS: What?
ME: He woke up late, or Hank did, and that's his ride, so--
DAVIS: I need to go--
NATHAN'S VOICE: GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!

Ben appeared in the living room with Nathan right behind him.

BEN: Davis, I want the apartment.
DAVIS: Fine.
NATHAN: You promised it to me!
DAVIS: I don't care. I don't have time for this. I have to go get Jeremy.
BEN: Fine. We'll come with you. I'll talk over the details in the car when--
NATHAN: Yeah right, asshole. Try again.

We all ran to the elevator. Then Davis stopped and turned to me.

DAVIS: Why are you doing this?
ME: Jeremy's my friend.
DAVIS: But I'm not.
ME: But I think you need closure with him if...
DAVIS: If what?
ME: I have a boyfriend.
DAVIS: I'm aware. And what--
ME: I might not always have one, and if I ever don't have one again, then I want you to be the boyfriend I have when I don't have one.
DAVIS: So you're pushing me towards Jeremy because--
ME: You need to get closure with that or the really complicated scenario I just described is never going to happen.
DAVIS: The laws of time, space, and grammar might prevent that anyway.
ME: We're running out of time.
DAVIS: To the Gay Batmobile!

And off we went...

If I Told You

Hi, my name is Billy.

JEREMY: So what did we learn tonight?

I learned that I'm destined to never get through a night on the town without a disaster striking me in some way.

We were all at the IHOP eating...pancakes, duh.

Jeremy, Ben, Nathan, Ritchie, and I had all decided to talk things out.

BEN: I want you back.
ME: That's not going to happen.
JEREMY, NATHAN: Hallelujah.
BEN: Shut up, you two!
RITCHIE: You know I leave for five minutes and all hell breaks loose.
JEREMY: That little tape of yours didn't help. Why aren't you on tour?
RITCHIE: I was, but then I got fired.
ME: Are you serious?
RITCHIE: Apparently sleeping with the choreographer when he's dating the director is not a good idea.

Nathan started to cry.

BEN: Jesus...
NATHAN: Please don't leave me!
ME: Nathan, you sound pathetic.
NATHAN: The only reason you don't want him back anymore is because you've got other options!
ME: What other options do I have?
NATHAN: Carter.
RITCHIE: Carter?
ME: Carter is not an option.
RITCHIE: You and Carter are--
JEREMY: Yes.
ME: No! We are not! Nor will we ever be!
RITCHIE: But did you?
JEREMY: Yes.
ME: No, well, yes, but--
JEREMY: I have to go. I have to talk to Davis.
ME: Oh my God! You're always running to Davis! Why don't you just get that you two are not meant to be together?

There was a silence...

Well, as much silence as you're going to get in an IHOP.

Jeremy picked up his maple syrup, and poured it into my lap.

ME: I guess I deserved that.
JEREMY: You deserve way more than that.

He looked at Ben.

JEREMY: But then again, what you deserve has never seemed to matter to you much.

He walked away. I was going to go after him but I felt Ben pull me back.

BEN: I'm not letting you walk out on me.
ME: Are you kidding me?
NATHAN: God, you're so lucky.
ME: Oh yeah, Nathan, I'm really lucky.

I could feel myself getting angrier and angrier and...

ME: I'll never have my first kiss again. Ever. He took it. I can't get it back. The first time a guy ever touched me. The first time a guy ever said 'I love you.' It's all tainted by the fact that he said it. None of it counts when a few weeks later he turns around and leaves you because a better deal came along and he already proved his point to anyone who doubted whether or not he could convince the sweet, likeable kid that he wasn't the dick people said he was. And now I'm different. He's the same. He kept everything he had, but I can't be the sweet, likeable kid again. I can't hear 'I love you' again for the first time. But in a way, I guess I'm lucky. Better that it happened now so that I'm not stupid enough to fall for it when another guy like him comes along again.

And I walked out on them.

But I only got as far as my car before I stopped and forced myself to take a breath.

VOICE: Hey.

I turned around, and Jeremy was standing there.

ME: Hey.
JEREMY: Sorry about the maple syrup.
ME: It's okay.
JEREMY: I just...it's hard to hear you shoot down me and Davis like that when...
ME: When what?
JEREMY: When he's the first guy I've liked as much as I liked you.
ME: But he's your best friend.
JEREMY: Yeah...I'm not sure what you do when your soulmate might be your friend rather than more than that. I mean, how can I ask someone to accept that my 'one' can never be them?
ME: I'd be okay with it, as long as I knew you were never going to sleep with him.
JEREMY: Well hopefully I find someone as understanding as you.

He came over and leaned against my car with me.

JEREMY: I heard what you said in there to Ben. It hit me right before I walked out the door.
ME: Kind of melodramatic, huh?
JEREMY: More sad than anything, but also not completely true.
ME: I'm pretty sure Ben was my first boy kiss--unless you count my Donatello the Ninja Turtle action figure.
JEREMY: Billy, your first kiss overall doesn't really matter. Every time you kiss someone it's like the first kiss. You don't know if it's going to be good, or great, or awful, or passionate, or sweet--if they're going to bite your lip, or slip you the tongue, or run their hand across the side of your face, or pull away slowly like they're scared you'll disappear. You can get that feeling every time--I do.
ME: But the first is--
JEREMY: Yes, it's the first--chronologically. But who cares? My first kiss was lousy too.
ME: And you're okay with that?
JEREMY: Of course I am. It was the first. Who ever does anything right their first time?

He smiled, and I smiled.

ME: I love you.

...Honest to God, I thought I said it in my head. I didn't realize I hadn't until he said--

JEREMY: What?

Then I knew there was no going back.

Enough is Enough

Hi, my name is Nathan.

BILLY: Nathan?

I'm on the warpath.

ME: Where is he?
BILLY: Who?
ME: Ben!

Funny, I hadn't even planned on going to Pride this year, and now here I was searching the crowd for my boyfriend trying to see if he was going to bee-line it for the supposed love of his life.

BILLY: Why would I know where Ben is?
ME: Oh, you mean you haven't taken him back yet?
BILLY: Taken him--what?
VOICE: There you are!

We both turned to see Ben coming towards us.

ME: Aha!
BILLY: Look, I really need to find Jeremy.
BEN: Billy, I'm so glad I found you.
ME: You miserable asshole.
BEN: I know you're upset, Nathan.
ME: Upset? UPSET?

Part of me wanted to strangle him there and then.

BEN: What do you care if we break up? You're in love with Christopher.
ME: Don't be ridiculous.

I kind of was in love with Christopher, but he called me today and told me he was moving to New Orleans, which means it's Ben or Singlehood, and the latter is not an option.

BEN: Billy, I want you back.
VOICE: Oh give me a break.

We turned to see Jeremy approaching.

JEREMY: I'd make a comment but I'm on my way back to my car and I'm in a bit of a rush.
BILLY: Wait, I need to talk to you.
BEN: No, you need to talk to me!
ME: NOBODY'S TALKING TO ANYBODY!

Everyone looked at me like I was nuts. Let them look, I'd had enough.

ME: I am so sick of everybody treating me like a late addition to the party.
JEREMY: But you were a late addition to the party.
ME: Oh, shut up. You think you're the little ringleader of this stupid group.
BILLY: Hey! You can't talk to him--
ME: Oh, hang on--the saint has something to say.
BEN: Nathan, don't be an asshole.
JEREMY: No wonder you wound up with Ben. It takes one to date one.
NATHAN: Okay, that's it.

I pushed Jeremy into the crowd. As he was going in, he grabbed me and we toppled into three or four twinks.

(Don't ask me how what was supposed to be a fight with Billy wound up being with Jeremy. I wasn't thinking very clearly.)

He, admittedly, was trying to fend me off, but I was going for broke. Then I saw Ben coming towards Jeremy.

BEN: Hey, get off him!

Billy yanked him back by his shirt and he fell to the ground. Jeremy was distracted in that moment, and I took the opportunity to trip him, and then he was down.

ME: Now you know who not to mess--whoa!

I felt an arm around my neck. Someone had me in a pretty tight stranglehold. I saw Jeremy look up at my assailant.

JEREMY: Ritchie?

From behind me I heard the strangler say--

RITCHIE: Miss me?

And I knew I lost the fight, and probably much more.

So Much to Live For

Hi, my name is Carter.

JEREMY: Traitor.
BILLY: Regret.
BEN: Dark secret.
DAVIS: Hook-up.
CAL: Manwhore.
ELI: Dirty.
JOEY: Eww...
NATHAN: Boyfriend stealer.
HANK: Destroyer of lives.

Those are also my names.

I am standing on top of a very tall building looking down.

It's a parking garage.
It's 3am.
I'm drunk.
I'm brave.
I'm ready.

I call Jeremy. His voicemail answers.

Hi, this is Jeremy...

ME: Please--

I speak through tears.

ME: Please forgive...me.

I hang up. Part of me thinks about letting the phone drop to the ground, but...the phone's expensive.

I close my eyes knowing I've made a mess of everything and I'm not capable of fixing anything.

A step forward, air, and then--

VOICE: CARTER!

I feel someone grab me and pull me back. We both fall onto the hood of my car.

ME: Eee...
VOICE: What the hell were you doing?

I turn around to see Jeremy lying beneath me. I get up and start to walk away.

JEREMY: Where are you going?
ME: I can't get anything right. Not even--
JEREMY: Not even doing a swan dive off a parking garage?
ME: What are you doing here?
JEREMY: Carter, it's Pride and you tried to jump off the nearest parking spot to the club. Odds were very good someone was going to stop you. Is it possible you're just looking for attention?
ME: I didn't think you would stop me.
JEREMY: Then why did you park next to my car?
ME: Oh, is that your...

That might have been intentional.

JEREMY: I don't want you to want to kill yourself.
ME: But I hate my life.
JEREMY: So fix it.
ME: I can't.
JEREMY: Yes, you can. You're young. I'm young. We have long lives ahead of us. One day I'll be a good enough person to forgive you, but it's not going to happen right away.
ME: But--
JEREMY: No! You don't get to be impatient in regards to forgiveness. You have to wait it out just like everyone else. The truth is, I don't really blame you for hooking up with Davis.
ME: I don't--
JEREMY: I mean, we all make each other out to have point signs over our heads. And we're all so starved for self-esteem we try bedding each other just to make ourselves feel better.
ME: Jeremy, I didn't hook up with Davis!

Silence.

JEREMY: Carter, don't lie--
ME: He told me I could say I did, because...yeah...I did want to be able to, but I didn't really hook up with him. We were going to make it look like I did, and then you came into his apartment before he could have me text you telling you what I did and have you rush over and we were supposed to come up with a story and--
JEREMY: Why would he do that?
ME: Because he wanted you to go to New York without feeling bad.
JEREMY: So, you didn't--
ME: No, but now I don't think it's worth it to say I hooked up with Davis. Everyone's just mad at me.
JEREMY: Carter, I forgive you. I love you. Learn from your mistakes. Okay?
ME: Okay, but--
JEREMY: Gotta go!
ME: Um, all right.

Jeremy got in his car and took off.

ME: Well, that's a relief...I'm hungry.

Rhode Island Pride, or A Bunch of Tacky Bitches

Hi, my name is Cal.

ME: PUT YOUR SHIRT ON! YOU'RE OLD ENOUGH TO HAVE FATHERED A GERIATRIC!

I'm a little drunk.

Give me a break. My life is spiraling out of control.

Also, it's Rhode Island Pride.

JEREMY: Cal, we might need to get you home.
ME: Fuck that. It's not even four am yet.
JEREMY: God help us.
HANK: Jeremy, look around, God abandoned this little Gomorrah a long time ago.

We were at the Open Air Party hosted by Prisms. After recognizing one of the bartenders I bedded way back when, I proceeded to get free alcohol and turn into a cross between Joan Crawford and Rip Taylor.

ME: YEAH, I'M LOOKING AT YOU!
RANDOM GUY: Hi Cal!
ME: Oh fuck, I know him? But he's so ugly.
JEREMY: We all make mistakes.

Poor Jeremy. His boyfriend, the biggest catch in the state, sleeps with Carter, the biggest little skank in the state, and he still manages to drag himself out in front of all these judging eyes.

I was determined to defend him.

Mostly because I wanted to get into a fistfight.

HANK: Oh great. Here comes the homewrecker. Want me to throw him into the second floor men's bathroom? I doubt he'd return intact.
JEREMY: I told you, Hank. I'm fine.

Carter sauntered over looking guilty--per usual.

CARTER: Hi guyyyys.
ME: Fuck off slut.
JEREMY: Cal!
CARTER: You should talk.
ME: I AM TALKING!

I was already up in his face when I heard the words "Hot Body Contest" and my focus became a bit diverted. I ran up onstage and started stripping.

In the distance I heard Hank yelling--

HANK: They haven't even started the contest yet!

But I was already halfway naked.

Then I stopped, and walked slowly up to the microphone.

ME: I just want all you tacky bitches to know that my friend Jeremy was too good for that piece of shit Davis, and that Carter has a sexually transmitted disease. So, if you've fornicated with him the past few months--beware. Thank you, good night.

And that was when I blacked out.

My last thought being--

I really need to stop doing that.

The Test Results

Hi, my name is Ben.

HANK: I have herpes.

He doesn't have herpes.

NATHAN: Would you stop saying that?
HANK: I'm practicing for when I find out.
NATHAN: There's a chance we don't have it.
ME: I'm going to kill you if I do. Then I'm going to kill you for cheating on me.
HANK: Now we're even.
ME: Because of that stupid voice teacher?
HANK: I LOVED HIM!
NATHAN: Easy there, King Kong. Let Fay Wray find out if she has the itchies first before you throw her off the Empire State Building.

After waiting forever, our test results were finally in.

And it turned out.

NATHAN: We're clear.
HANK: Good thing I can continue to not have sex. Yay.
NATHAN: Can you ever be happy about anything?
HANK: And lose my edge? No way.

So this was my life.

Herpes scares with Hank and Nathan.

No thank you.

ME: I need to do something with myself.
HANK: A haircut might be a good start. Or a late-in-life circumcision.
NATHAN: Ben, we're free and clear. Can't we just enjoy it?
ME: No, because...I think we need to break up.
NATHAN: What?
ME: I'm not happy.
NATHAN: Nobody's happy!
HANK: Especially not me.
ME: I think I belong with someone else. Someone better.
NATHAN: Than me?
ME: Yeah.
HANK: Like who?

Oh my God...it's so clear now.

ME: Billy. I need to be back with Billy.

Nathan looked like he was going to kill me. Hank just started laughing.

ME: What's so funny?
HANK: I'm just thinking of all the things Billy's going to say to you when you tell him you want him back. Hahaha...

Clearly, Hank underestimates me.

Old Dog, New Tricks

Hi, my name is Davis.

CARTER: Do you have any bottled water?

I am a gigantic idiot.

Part of me kept telling myself--

You're Davis.
This is what you do.

But the other part said--

You're going to lose your best friend and your boyfriend.
At the same time.
Way to go, Champ.

ME: Why do you bottled water? Whores don't drink tap anymore?
CARTER: Easy to call me a whore when I'm lying naked in your bed.
ME: You're right. Super easy. Now get dressed.
CARTER: You're throwing me out?
ME: And everyone calls you dumb--how they underestimate you.

That was when I heard it--

The door unlock and open.

And I remembered--

I gave Jeremy a key to the--

JEREMY: Guess who brought you break--oh my GOD.

He was back out the door again before I could get my pants on.

CARTER: This is bad, huh?
ME: Shut up and go out the window.
CARTER: You don't have a fire escape.
ME: I know.

Jeremy was almost to the elevator before I got to him.

ME: Jeremy, it...well, it is what it looks like. Wow, whose ever said that?
JEREMY: I'm sorry.
ME: What?
JEREMY: I'm sorry.
ME: Tell me you're not apologizing.
JEREMY: Actually I am. I thought dating you was going to make you stop being Davis. But...why would I want to date someone other than you? It's sort of a paradox.
ME: I wish..I wish I was the type of guy who wouldn't do something like this to you.
JEREMY: It's okay. It's helped me make a decision.
ME: What decision?
JEREMY: I'm leaving. Two days.
ME: What? Where?
JEREMY: New York.

The elevator door opened. He stepped in.

JEREMY: Do me a favor. Tell Carter I wouldn't expect anything less from either of you.

And the door--

JEREMY: Goodbye.

Closed.

Seize the Day

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

ME: Oh my God.
DAVIS: What is it?

I can't show Davis.

ME: Nothing.

It's a letter offering me employment at a theater in Minneapolis over the summer.

This is amazing.

Which means--

ME: Davis can't know anything about it.
HANK: Why not?

Hank and I were eating dinner and discussing my options.

ME: He would flip.
HANK: So you're not going to go?
ME: No! I have to go.
HANK: So...
ME: I know.

This was going to be a problem.

ME: Maybe I can tell him tomorrow.
HANK: At Pride?
ME: At least we'll be in public. He won't throw things.
HANK: Davis?
ME: Good point. I'm screwed.
VOICE: Hey guys.

Billy asked if I wanted to see an early screening of The X-Files movie--uh...YES, I'm a nerd, I know--so I had him meet me at the restaurant.

BILLY: What are you guys talking about?
HANK: Jeremy's leaving us. He's going to Minnesota where it's cold and there are cows.
ME: So what if there are cows?
HANK: I don't trust any place with cows.
ME: Rhode Island has cows.
HANK: Yeah but we don't trot them out for everyone to see.
ME: Remind me to drug test you before I leave.
BILLY: Wait...you're leaving?
ME: Just for the summer.
BILLY: But...uh...
ME: What?

He looked upset about it. More than I would imagine.

BILLY: Nothing.

I maybe should have looked into that more, but I had something else on my mind.

Namely, keeping Davis and still taking off...

Humpty Dumpty

Hi, my name is Hank.

MAYOR BURKE: Oh, it's the racist guy with the deep voice.

I finally remembered where I've seen the Mayor.

That's why I showed up at his office. I told his secretary I was back for a return appointment, and because she thought I was cute the first time I showed up here, she let me right in.

The Mayor looked more than a little surprised to see me.

ME: Hello Ricky.

Shakey, shake #1.

MAYOR BURKE: Ricky? Sorry. I don't know a Ricky.
ME: Do you like musicals, Mayor?
MAYOR BURKE: Not really my thing.
ME: Too bad. You could learn a thing or two from Les Miz.
MAYOR BURKE: I've read the book.
ME: In prison?

Shakey, shake #2.

MAYOR BURKE: I think you should leave.
ME: You know, robbing cars isn't the worst thing a person can do.
MAYOR BURKE: I said--
ME: Beating up a guy who tries to stop you from stealing his car and putting him in the hospital then taking off and changing your identity. That's the worst thing a person can do.
MAYOR BURKE: You're crazy.
ME: That photo on your desk looks just like the one they had on tv ten years ago.
MAYOR BURKE: You wouldn't remember that.
ME: You're right, I wouldn't--not unless I found that same picture again a few weeks ago in a stack of old magazines in make-up class and used it for one of my projects. You were my ethnic photo.

The Mayor sat down at his desk.

ME: I guess the Providence Sun just doesn't do the research it should on its mayoral candidates. You sure did clean yourself up.
MAYOR BURKE: How much do you want?
ME: I'm going to be really selfless and say that all I want is for you to back off.
MAYOR BURKE: Brad doesn't remember--
ME: I won't say anything to Brad. Not even when I see him at Pride next week.

I got up and smiled.

ME: You have yourself a good day now.

In my head, I could hear "Stars."

The Best Little Drag Queen in Providence

Hi, my name is Joey.

EMCEE: This is the moment we've all been waiting for...

I'm nervous as hell.

My boyfriend, Max, is up for Mr. RI-TRI, and he's made it to the final two.

His performances were awesome--He sang "Love Can Move Mountains" and "Have You Ever Been in Love"--he does a mean Celine.

JEREMY: This is way more nerve-wracking than I thought it would be.
HANK: The one on the right looks like a grown-up Jon Benet.
JEREMY: Hank!
ME: Sshhh!

The Jon Benet look alike was Mary Ann Ewing--a Dallas fan who was just as cutthroat as J.R. I told Max not to worry about her, but secretly I was thinking she might have tried to sway the judges with promises of gifts and/or sexual favors.

Max and I were moving in together next week, and I was afraid if he didn't win tonight, not only would it break his heart, but he'd be in no condition to help with the move.

The Emcee opened the envelope.

HANK: Just so you know, I voted for Susan Lucci.
JEREMY: Enough, Hank!

There was a pause, and then--

EMCEE: Your new Miss RI-TRI is...Daphne Woodward.
JOEY: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I screamed so loud everyone turned and looked at me, but I didn't care.

It was official. I was now dating a celebrity.

We All Make Mistakes

Hi, my name is Billy.

ME: I hooked up with someone I shouldn't have.
HANK: Bitch, get in line.

I was in the fish bowl with Hank and Cal...the morning after it happened.

HANK: Who did you hook up with?

It was a few nights ago, and...

I was feeling sort of depressed.

CARTER: What's wrong?

Mmhmm...

CAL: Please tell me you didn't.
HANK: Let him finish. Then we can all throw up.

Jeremy and Davis had just declared their relationship status on facebook.

ME: Well, that's it. Now it's official.
CARTER: Did he change his status on myspace?
ME: I don't have the heart to look.
CARTER: Why don't you just tell Jeremy how you feel?
ME: Because there's no point now, and I don't need Davis coming after me.

I put up an away message--something song lyric about being depressed, morbid, you get the drill.

Then I looked at Carter...and well...Carter's nice to look at it.

I don't know what it was about me. Maybe he sensed the desperation, but the next thing I knew--

ME: He was all over me.
HANK: That's when you're supposed to taser him.
ME: I just...couldn't.

After it was all over, I felt really guilty. So of course, we did it again.

CAL: I'm so disturbed, and for me, that's big.
ME: You guys cannot tell Jeremy about this.
CAL: Why do you care if Jeremy knows?

I forgot that only Carter knew how I felt about Jeremy.

ME: I just don't need him getting all judgmental, you know?
HANK: Don't worry. We'll vault it.

That was when Jeremy walked in.

JEREMY: I think Davis and I might be over.

Oh, fuck me.

CAL: Already? I'll have to check and see who in the break-up pool had three seconds.
HANK: What are you talking about?
JEREMY: We had a long convo last night, and I mean...do I really want to risk such a good friendship for what could be a lousy relationship?
CAL: What makes you think it could be lousy?
JEREMY: It's Davis. I mean, he can't commit to one person, there's no way.
HANK: No gay man can.
ME: Yes, I can! I mean, we--we can.
CAL: Keep speaking for yourself.
JEREMY: I would like to find someone whose able to be a little more...monogamous-minded.
HANK: Trust me, it doesn't exist. Every gay man is a whore.
ME: That's not true!
CAL: It's true.

Like a nightmare come to life, Carter chose that moment to appear.

CARTER: Billy, I have to talk to you.
ME: Not now, Carter.
CAL: Oh, is it about--ohhhh...
ME: What? WAIT! I don't want to know if it relates to what I don't want to talk about.
JEREMY: Uh...what?
CARTER: I have scabies.
HANK: Oh boy.
JEREMY: You got checked.
CARTER: Yeah, and that means you have them, Billy.
JEREMY: Why would Billy have them if you--

A look came over Jeremy's face at that moment that I've never seen before. It was beyond disappointment. Then he laughed.

CARTER: Jeremy, it's not funny. They itch.

That just made him laugh harder.

JEREMY: Thank you, Carter. Thank you, Billy.
ME: For what?
JEREMY: For making me realize I need to be with Davis. No guy is perfect.

He looked right at me.

JEREMY: I get that now.

Then he got up and left.

I felt awful. I thought nothing could make me feel any worse, then--

ME: Wait a minute--I have scabies?

A Dish Served Cold

Hi, my name is Nathan.

HANK: I'm assuming you boys are spending the night again.
ME: I'm taking the futon. Ben can sleep somewhere else.
HANK: Where? It's a one-bedroom.
ME: He can sleep on the kitchen table for all I care.

Ben and I haven't been doing well. Partly because we're spending all our time camped out in Hank's living room, and partly because I fantasize about Christopher while I'm having sex with Ben.

So yeah, problematic.

Ben was at work, and I was watching a bootleg of Cry Baby the musical with Hank.

ME: How many tapes like these do you have?
HANK: Only a few. I rent mostly.
ME: Is there a netflix for Broadway bootlegs?
HANK: There's a black market underground. Very seedy.

My phone went off. It was Christopher again.

HANK: You're not going to answer it?
ME: I know what he has to say.
HANK: Which is what?
ME: That he misses me.
HANK: But you have a boyfriend.
ME: So does he. I'm going to make some popcorn. Do you want any?
HANK: No thanks.

I went into the kitchen and put the popcorn bag into the microwave. When I turned around, Hank was standing in front of me.

ME: Change your mind about the popcorn?

He grabbed me by the face, and kissed me. I pushed him away.

ME: What are you doing?
HANK: Ben stole a guy from me; now I'm going to do the same to him.
ME: What guy?
HANK: My voice teacher.
ME: Hank that was months ago.
HANK: You all have such short memories.
ME: And you don't?
HANK: No, I'm French. We carry grudges for years. We're worse than the Italians.
ME: Really?
HANK: Sure. Just watch Les Miz. Javert? Totally French.

He kissed me again. I pushed him away again.

ME: I'm not going to sleep with you!
HANK: Why not?
ME: Because of Ben.
HANK: It didn't stop you from sleeping with all those guys at A.C.T.F.
ME: There weren't...that many.
HANK: Come on, right now. Right here on the table. Right before Ben falls asleep on it tonight.
ME: Well...when you put it like that.

And it happened. I don't know what it is with me. It seems like the only sex I enjoy is forbidden sex.

Note to self: Rent The Thornbirds.

After it was...over, Hank went to take a shower. That's when I finally got to listen to my voicemail from Christopher.

I nearly dropped the phone.

HANK: Hey--

I didn't even hear Hank getting out of the shower.

HANK: --What's wrong?
ME: It was Christopher. Apparently his boyfriend has herpes.
HANK: But you...
ME: Yeah.
HANK: ...And I...
ME: Yup.
HANK: So...
ME: Uh huh.

That was when Ben walked through the door.

BEN: Hey I got out of work early.

He saw the looks on our faces.

BEN: Oh God, did you two have sex?

Coldplay is Overrated

Hi, my name is Carter.

HANK: Happy birthday, skank.

It's my birthday.

Everyone took me out to Prisms to celebrate, except for Eli because he's still dealing with his homosexuality, and Joey, who decided to stay home with his new boyfriend.

DAVIS: You know, I never took Joey for a lesbian. He moves in with them on the first date.
JEREMY: Davis, be nice. It's someone's birthday after all.
HANK: Carter, shouldn't you be naked on the box already? It's nearly midnight.
CAL: Shouldn't you be turning back into a bitchy pumpkin then, Hank?
HANK: Oooh, touche.

Nathan and Ben were outside fighting again. Apparently, Nathan is still getting texts from this guy Christopher that they met at A.C.T.F.

NATHAN: What am I supposed to do, Benjamin? I can't block his number.
BEN: But you don't have to text him back!
ME: Hey guys, do you want to come inside and--
NATHAN: Carter, the grown-ups are having a conversation. Go eat your underage birthday liquor and we'll be there in a few minutes.

Inside they were playing the remix to "Viva La Vida", which I hate. Coldplay is so overrated. They're a bunch of pasty-faced white guys who stoners and wannabe stoners like to listen to while they lay in their bathtubs and zone.

What could be more obnoxious than a bunch of white guys putting out an album called "Viva La Vida"?

JEREMY: Gee, I don't know. Just about everything Beyonce does?

I was ready to dance. I took off my shirt and headed down to the box. While I was down there, Jeremy and Cal hopped up and started dancing with me.

ME: This is great. Ten seconds until my birthday!
JEREMY: Carter, what's all your skin?
ME: Huh?
CAL: Is that a rash?
ME: Oh yeah. I've had that for a little while now. It itches like crazy, but I haven't had time to get it checked out.
CAL: Do you know what that looks like?
ME: Irritated skin?
CAL: Yeah, sort of...but it actually looks like scabies.
ME: Huh?
JEREMY: Carter, have you been fooling around with anyone recently that might have...you know...had something?
ME: When you say recently...
CAL: Oh God.
JEREMY: Looks like someone gave you an early birthday present.

And that was how I knew nineteen was not going to be a good age.

Boston Boys

Hi, my name is Cal.

JEREMY: ...And then he said that what Ritchie said was true.
ME: About what?
JEREMY: Him being in love with me.
ME: That's insane... Okay, let's talk about me now.

I talked Cal into going with me to Boston Pride. We decided to skip the gay-community bonding bullshit, and head straight for the clubs.

Now we were just waiting for the party to arrive while sipping on some gin and tonics.

Oh, and we brought some other people too.

HANK: God, it's good to get out of the house.
CARTER: Guys, I found this pole that lets you slide down to the first floor!
ME: Boy, it doesn't get any better than that, does it?
JEREMY: Hank, what's wrong with your apartment that you don't want to be there?
HANK: Nothing. My roommates are just driving me crazy.
CARTER: You have roommates.
HANK: Pretty much. Ben and Nathan have been there every night.
ME: So send their asses home.
HANK: Eh, I can't.
JEREMY: Why not?
HANK: I'll explain later.

Pretty soon the place started filling up. Carter and I got out on the dance floor while Jeremy and Hank stayed at the bar.

ME: Carter, try to grab my ass one more time and you're going to lose the ability to speak without whistling your 's's.
CARTER: Sorreeeeee.

I was wasted around one am, so I don't remember exactly what happened next, but I do recall Jeremy grabbing me and pulling me out of the club.

ME: Hey, what--
JEREMY: We have to go.
ME: Why?

Hank came up next to us with Carter.

HANK: Skanky here hit on one of the promoter's boyfriends and now the bouncers have all been instructed to pummel Carter or anyone with him.
ME: Can't we just throw him to the wolves and keep partying?
JEREMY: We're leaving.
ME: How could you hit on the promoter's boyfriend?
CARTER: I didn't know!
HANK: This is why we should stay in Rhode Island. We don't know the gay infrastructure here.

We tried a few of the exits, but they were all blocked by guys who were clearly looking for us.

Finally, we managed to find a back entrance, but as soon as we were out the door and into some alley we were surrounded by guys who make the Incredible Hulk look like Miley Cyrus.

JEREMY: Anybody know karate?
HANK: Oh yeah. Let me just call on my Megazord.
ME: Any last words, Carter?
CARTER: Eeee...

Then a voice--

VOICE: Back off guys.

We all turned...

And there was Davis.

DAVIS: Tell Mickey if he wants to continue being welcome in Providence, he'll tell that whore boyfriend of his to stop flirting with every walking dick he comes across. Either that or tell him to cool down his jealously streak. Either way my friends are going back inside and enjoying the rest of their night.

The Hulks dispersed.

JEREMY: You didn't tell me you were coming to--
DAVIS: Boston Pride? Have you met me? Of course I was going to be here. Good thing, too. Freddie's entourage is famous for making people look like Picasso's.
CARTER: Who's Picasso?
HANK: Shut up, you little twink. We almost got killed because of you.
DAVIS: I'm going back inside.

But Jeremy stopped him.

JEREMY: Davis, wait.

He walked up to him and kissed him.

HANK: Great. Just what I needed to see.

Davis had a smile on his face a mile wide when the kiss was over.

JEREMY: Thank you.
DAVIS: Anytime.

Then he went back inside.

CARTER: Hey Jeremy, are you and Davis a couple?

Jeremy turned and looked at him.

JEREMY: I don't know.

He laughed.

JEREMY: I just don't know...yet.

Carter and I looked at each other. If Davis liked Jeremy, that made Jeremy a hot commodity.

And neither one of us was good at turning down the opportunity to bag a hot commodity.

Three's Company

Hi, my name is Ben.

NATHAN: Just let me do all the talking.

I haven't had sex with my boyfriend for...

ME: You know, we have a few minutes until we get to the apartment, and there's nobody at that intersection.
NATHAN: Unfortunately I'm not a 16-year-old boy from Texas looking for a cheap thrill, Ben!
ME: Yeah, unfortunately.

...for way too long.

We get to Hank's new apartment a few minutes later. After a few knocks, Hank opens the door.

HANK: Is this when you hand me the pamphlets?
NATHAN: Hahaha...Hank, you're so adorable. We came to help you move.
ME: We got the facebook invite.
HANK: Did you get the part that said 'Come at four?' It's nine thirty.
NATHAN: You're right. It's so late. We should probably just crash here.
HANK: Huh?
ME: I mean, I'd have to drive back to New Bedford and Nathan would have to go to Foster--

--and we'd both have to drive back to separate beds, alone, sexless--or worse, have sex in the same house as our parents...

NATHAN: And you, me, and Ben are not nearly friendly enough.

...And Hank's the only one who has his own place that might actually fall for this.

HANK: That's because I hate Ben, and Ben hates me.
ME: Hatred is such a flexible emotion.

Nathan tries to push on.

NATHAN: We could keep you company. It must be a little weird being all on your own in your own apartment for the first time.

I can see this argument gets to Hank. He softens a little.

HANK: Okay, you can crash here for tonight.
NATHAN: Amazing!

We barreled into the apartment.

HANK: You can crash on the futon I guess.
NATHAN: Thank you, Hank, but Ben isn't allowed on futons after the whole cheating on me thing.
HANK: Well, there's--
NATHAN: I was kidding! Hahaha...The futon's great.
ME: It doesn't squeak much, does it?

Nathan elbows me in the side.

HANK: So what movie do you want to watch?

Got any porn?

ME: Family Guy DVD's are cool.

It looks like Nathan and I have a new best friend.

The March on City Hall

Hi, my name is Davis.

JEREMY: I like the idea of trying to get the Mayor in a compromising picture with Carter better.

I'm about to march on City Hall.

When sending Jeremy in to get dirt on the Mayor didn't work, I knew it was time for a bigger action--namely a rally right on the fucker's doorstep.

Everything was all set to go. Five hundred of us were meeting at the state house and walking down to City Hall.

Jeremy, ever the Scully to my Mulder, was trying to talk me out of it.

JEREMY: I'm not trying to talk you out of it.
ME: You're trying to dissuade me then.
JEREMY: Possibly dissuade--I'll give you dissuade.
ME: So now it's just a matter of semantics.
JEREMY: I don't want you to get hurt. This guy is insane. He might just unleash the dogs on you.
ME: I love dogs. Parakeets I'd be a little nervous about.

The crowd was ready to go.

JEREMY: Just promise me you'll be careful.
ME: Listen to you, like I'm heading to the Civil War. We should get you a bonnet.
JEREMY: Wow, you really do wear your defense mechanisms on your sleeve.

This is why Jeremy scares me--he knows me too well.

I turned to go, and then I thought, what the hell? The moment was already so melodramatic.

ME: Hey Jeremy--

Before I could change my mind, I walked up to him and kissed him.

He looked stunned. I think we both did.

JEREMY: What was--
ME: What Ritchie said on the tape...it was true.
JEREMY: Wait, are you saying you--
ME: I'm not sure I can say it yet. My heart is still two sizes too small.

Silence.

JEREMY: So I guess we're going to talk about this later.
ME: That's if I make it back from Gettysburg in one piece.

I laughed and walked away, still sort of caught up in the moment.

We're Here to Help

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

MAYOR BURKE: I'm just a little surprised. I didn't think Brad would be open to--
ME: He's very open.
HANK: Extremely open.

I'm about to dupe the Mayor.

Now that his policies are starting to coincide with Pride, everyone's worried that the festivities will be canceled. So, Hank and I--along with Eli, since Brad is his new "friend"--were enlisted to get some dirt on his honor, so that we could blackmail the shit out of him.

And guess what we came up with?

ME: We've had amazing success rates with other--uh--
HANK: Catty little queers.

Maybe I should have briefed Hank a little better.

MAYOR: My wife and I, obviously, are not overly thrilled with Brad's lifestyle choice, which is why he wasn't at the forefront of my campaign. However, the idea of aversion therapy--
ME: Oh no, we don't do anything like that.
HANK: We're much more progressive.
MAYOR: In what way?

And we're off...

ME: Mayor, don't you feel it's not just homosexuality that's become a problem? I mean, it's the whole way society operates.
MAYOR: Perhaps, but what does have to do with--
HANK: It's the broken window, Mayor.
ME: Your son went right through it. And you know who broke that window?
MAYOR: Who?
ME: The blacks.
HANK: The Hispanics.
ME: Asians.
HANK: Jews.
ME: Italians.
MAYOR: I'm sorry. Am I hearing you, right?

I might need a little one-on-one here.

ME: Hank, didn't you say you needed to use the men's room before we got here?
HANK: Yes actually, I--
MAYOR: Down the hall, third door on the right.
HANK: Thanks.

Hank took off, and I went for the throat.

ME: C'mon Mayor, you know we've got bigger problems in Providence than just the gay population. They're just step one.

The plan? Get the Mayor to say something negative about any ethnic group, race, or minority--and we're golden.

MAYOR: To be honest, uh, what did you say your name was?
ME: Ben.

Hey if you're going to play a hateful shrew--

MAYOR: To be honest, Ben, I don't equate a sexual...choice...to be the same as something a person has no say in--such as race, or--
ME: But Mayor--
MAYOR: I don't think I'd like my son entering into your program. I'll have a talk with Brad about why he seemed to be so interested in it. I certainly don't want my son spouting defamatory rhetoric wherever he goes.

Oh damn.

ME: Sir, we can help him.
MAYOR: I think I can do that on my own. Have a good day.

And he showed me to the door.

Hank and I met up again outside. I pulled out my tape recorder and spoke into it.

ME: Sorry Davis.

We were going to need a Plan B.

HANK: You know, I feel like I know that guy from somewhere.
ME: The bowels of Hell maybe?
HANK: No, someplace else.
ME: Hank, if he cancels Pride--
HANK: Providence is going to become a warzone.

It might be time to start rallying the troops.

Bradeli

Hi, my name is Eli.

BRAD: Kiss me.
ME: Huh?

I'm kissing a boy.

ME: I kissed a boy.
HANK: And you liked it?
JEREMY: Well I think that goes without saying.

We were all in the fishbowl. The year was winding down and everybody was making plans for the summer.

JOEY: Is everyone going to Pride?
JEREMY: That's if there is a Pride. The Mayor's trying to shut it down.
CAL: That's bullshit.

Wait a minute, didn't I just announce something huge?

ME: I KISSED A BOY!
ALL: WE HEARD YOU!

The door to the fishbowl opened and a strange figure appeared.

JEREMY: Davis?
DAVIS: Hey CBQ's.
JOEY: Davis, if you want to talk to me--
DAVIS: I don't actually. I need to talk to Eli.

Huh?

ME: What do you need to talk to me about?
DAVIS: About your new boyfriend.
ME: Brad?
DAVIS: It seems you've made yourself useful, Eli.
JEREMY: Davis, what are you--
DAVIS: Brad just happens to be the mayor's son.

Everybody turned and looked at me.

CAL: So about you kissing that boy.

Love, Again

Hi, my name is Joey.

DAVIS: Back so soon?

I needed a drink after the week at A.C.T.F, so I headed to a newly opened Prisms, and of course, ran right into Davis.

ME: I need to relax.
DAVIS: Would I be stopping you from doing that?
ME: You tell me.
VOICE: Leave him alone, Davis.

I turned around to see Jeremy approaching the bar.

DAVIS: C'mon Jeremy, just let me swat at him a couple of times.
JEREMY: We've all been punished enough. Trust me.
DAVIS: Nobody won any medals at your little lesbian competition?
ME: Thespians.
DAVIS: Same thing.

Davis went off to mingle, leaving me and Jeremy at the bar.

ME: So how are things with you and Billy?
JEREMY: I think I might be nearing closure.
ME: Really?
JEREMY: Yeah. Who knows--any day now I might actually be considered an adult?
ME: Let me know what that's like.

A second or so later, I found a drink in front of me.

ME: I'm sorry, but I think you may have--
BARTENDER: It's from the kid at the end of the bar.
JEREMY: That's Max Shetter.
ME: Shetter? Awful last name.
JEREMY: Well you could always go by his other name.
ME: Huh?
JEREMY: He's Daphne Woodward every other night.
ME: You mean he's a--
BARTENDER: Hey, show a little respect for the state's best drag queen.
JEREMY: Please, Reva Spiver is sooo much more spot.
ME: Spot?
JEREMY: Spot as in spot on. The kids from Bridgewater State were saying it, and I just picked it up. Slap me if I do it again.
ME: Will do.

I waited for Jeremy to head downstairs and then walked over to say hello to Max...Daphne...whatever.

He seemed so cool, and pretty soon we were laughing and having a great time...and then...

Somehow we wound up making out.

Who knew I was going to be able to fall in love at first sight again after Bart and Davis and Nathan and--

MAX: Hey, you're going to Pride right?
ME: Oh my God, that's this week, isn't it?
MAX: Yeah. You can be my date if you want.
ME: I'd love that!

I looked across the bar and saw Davis and Jeremy shaking their heads, but I didn't care.

All I cared about was my new man.

ACTF--When We Dance

Hi, my name is Billy.

JOEY: ACTF is over.
HANK: Thank the fucking gods of drama.
BEN: There was only one god of drama.
ELI: And his name is Eli.

Now is one of those times when I wish that I was a drinker.

CARTER: Guys, Jesus didn't do theater. They didn't have theater in ancient Rome.

A heavy drinker.

We were all at the "End of ACTF" dance. We got our own table, and it certainly wasn't a happy one. Nobody had progressed very far in the competition. Cal was talking about changing his major. Nathan seemed depressed about something and kept looking over at this kid Christopher two tables down. Jeremy wasn't even there.

The last part bothered me the most.

Where was--

ME: I'm going to go get a soda. Does anybody want anything?
CAL: How about a knife to fall on?
ME: I'll work on that.

I went up to the refreshments table and looked to see if there was anything left besides Diet Pepsi. That was when I felt the hand on my shoulder.

ME: Carter, do we have to talk about good touching and bad touching again?
JEREMY: Oh right--head, and shoulders, crotch and mouth.

I turned around and almost fell over. Jeremy looked--

ME: You look amazing.
JEREMY: Some of the RIC kids asked me to go shopping with them, and they convinced me to buy this little ensemble.
ME: Good for them, and for you. It's a big improvement.
JEREMY: Because I normally look like an Okie Freedom Fighter?
ME: No, it's just--

But he laughed.

And then I laughed.

Then we were quiet.

Until--

JEREMY: Do you want to dance?

And before I could--

ME: Yes.

So we went out onto the floor. Just as "Invisible Man" started to play.

JEREMY: How appropo.
ME: It's appropos.
JEREMY: Grammar police, much?
ME: Very much.

I could feel the eyes of everyone from the Ocean State table burning into us, but actually, I didn't care.

There was a moment--one of those weird movie moments--when everything seemed to slow down and I was just talking and dancing...

...with Jeremy.

JEREMY: So how was your first ACTF?
ME: Does mentioning that it will be my last ACTF give you any clue?
JEREMY: We've all been through a lot this year. I think maybe we were putting too much pressure on this to be some sort of getaway.
ME: It definitely wasn't that.
JEREMY: I don't believe in getaways. You have to face things eventually.
ME: I guess. But you're more honest with yourself than a lot of other people.
JEREMY: I doubt that.
ME: It's true. Everyone we know is hiding something. You're not hiding anything.
JEREMY: Or am I?

I laughed again.

I wish you'd look at me that way.

ME: You requested this song, didn't you?
JEREMY: How did you know?
ME: I should probably tell you what I'm hiding.
JEREMY: You're hiding something?
ME: I was awake the other night. When you said--
JEREMY: Ohhh...
ME: I don't mean to embarrass you.
JEREMY: Who said I was embarrassed?
ME: You're--
JEREMY: Billy, I'm not ashamed about how I feel towards you. You're a great guy. I don't see how anyone couldn't love you.

I felt my face flushing.

ME: I think you--
JEREMY: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: Sure.
JEREMY: Just for this moment, can it just be you and me? Just dancing? Can I just pretend that right now I'm the only guy here you want to be with? I know it's unhealthy, and lame, and whatever else, but...Can I just have this dance?

I looked at him.

ME: Yes.

And that's when I knew.

JEREMY: Thank you.

The music played.
The air softened.
The experience ended.

And all that was left was that dance--and a boy who loved me.

But because of so many things that I say I don't care about--
Things that exhaust me with their persistence--
I didn't admit that I was starting to love him too.

And then I had one more thing to hide.

ACTF--Cracks in the Facade

Hi, my name is Nathan.

CHRIS: So did you have fun?

I'm in heaven.

ME: Yeah, that was all right.

This new semi-open relationship set-up is heaven. Ben and I just hooked up with this kid Chris. He's bratty, bitchy, and hot. All the things I love.

And...and this is between you and me...

Ben went off to get some drinks with the other guys, while Chris and I...

CHRIS: You sure Ben won't be mad?
ME: Please, he has no right to get mad about anything.
CHRIS: Even so.
ME: What about your boyfriend? Won't he be mad?
CHRIS: Um, he went abroad last semester and...Let's just say I do what I want.
ME: Ditto.

Chris jumped on the bed and started to kiss me. He's insatiable.

I love it.

We kept talking and then going at it, over and over again, for what seemed like hours.

CHRIS: So you really love Ben?
ME: Yeah, totally.

Chris got up and started getting dressed.

ME: What's wrong?
CHRIS: I don't know. I guess I was hoping...
ME: Hoping what?
CHRIS: Is it weird that I really like you?
ME: No...I guess not. I like you, too.

He leaned over and kissed me--so sweetly, I might add.

CHRIS: That means we need to stop.

And he left. Ben came back an hour later and fell on the bed--passed out. I laid next to him...and the whole time...

I was wishing Chris was there.

Maybe this little arrangement isn't so great after all.

ACTF--Can't Say No

Hi, my name is Carter.

HANK: What's your tally, whore?

Normally I'd be upset by Hank calling me a whore.

ME: 23.
HANK: Wow, I'm actually surprised.

I've been...bad.

Four of us were eating at the hotel restaurant--Jeremy, Billy, Hank and me.

JEREMY: You've had sex with 23 people this past week?
ME: Not full sex. Not always...
BILLY: Were you really the one who initiated the RIC orgy?
ME: No!
HANK: Were you there?
JEREMY: It was in his room.

I should explain.

That kid Kevin was hanging out in my room, because I was trying to get in his...I wanted to be friends with him. Then he invited some of his friends over. Then he left. But his friends stayed. Then nakedness occurred.

JEREMY: Kudos to Kevin for not falling for your tricks, and I mean that word in every way it could possibly be used.
BILLY: Kevin's just a goodie goodie.
HANK: And you're not?
BILLY: I'm not a prude; I'm just inexperienced!
ME: I woke up this morning and there was only one person there.
JEREMY: Who?

I thought maybe Hank had come back to the room, but then I remembered that he vowed never to sleep within twelve feet of me again after he found me in bed with...never mind.

So I poked the lump next to me.

LUMP: Mmmmm....no.
ME: Excuse me?

The Lump rolled over and it turned out to be that kid Albert.

ME: Wow, this feels weird.
LUMP: Mmmm.....english muffin.
ME: Please don't call me that.

I really need to get that thing...

You know, self-control.

ACTF--Think Again

Hi, my name is Cal.

JUDGE: I think you should consider changing your major.

I'm in shock.

ME: I'm sorry--what did you say?

Jeremy and I had just finished our scene in the first round of the competition, and the judges were...not thrilled.

JUDGE: We felt your partner was fantastic.
JEREMY: Thank you.
JUDGE: But you, Cal, were...less so.

I could punch a baby monkey right now.

ME: I see.
JUDGE: I'm sorry to be so firm. It's just that...some people have it, and some people don't. And if you don't have it, well...

Jeremy tried to make me feel better later when we were eating in the hotel's restaurant.

JEREMY: They don't know what they're talking about.
ME: They called you fantastic.
JEREMY: Well, they were right about that, but the other stuff--

I was determined not to let it get me down. I went out that night to the trashiest bar in town I could find. I even convinced some of the boys to come with me.

HANK: This place is giving me herpes.
ELI: I'm so drunk right now.
ME: You're saying you want to make out?
ELI: Ewww--no. Why do you want to?

The place needed a little spicing up. So I dropped a nickel into the jukebox--how fifties right?--and "Walk Like an Egyptian" came on.

HANK: Cal, what are you doing?
ME: I'm bringing back 'Walk Like an Egyptian.'
ELI: When did it go away?

I pulled the boys up onto the bar with me and instantly the place went nuts. Granted Hank's Egyptian dance looked more like the Ally Sheedy Breakfast Club maneuver, but that's okay.

I got back to my room at around 2am and called Rufus, my ex.

RUFUS: What's up babe?
ME: I'm quitting theater forever.
RUFUS: Cool. Want to have phone sex?
ME: Sure why not?

I needed something to dull the pain.

ACTF--A New Arrangement

Hi, my name is Ben.

NATHAN: We need a new arrangement.

I'm in negotiations with my boyfriend.

Nathan and I were sitting in his hotel room talking about our relationship. I'd rather be eating live eels, but Nathan has carte blanche on my testicles since my little infidelity escapade.

There was a knock on the door.

NATHAN: One sec.

He opened the door, and that kid Albert from RIC was standing there.

NATHAN: C'mon in, Albert.

I was confused.

ME: Nathan, do you mind telling me what's going on?
NATHAN: Of course. I'm going to be having sex with Albert. You'll be watching but not participating.
ME: Excuse me?
ALBERT: I think I'll use the bathroom.

He went in and shut the door.

ME: Nathan, are you--
NATHAN: You strayed, Ben. And I forgave you. But now I want to stray, and I feel I should be allowed to, especially since I'm giving you the opportunity to keep an eye on me, a luxury I was not afforded.
ME: You're just going to have sex with some kid you don't know?
NATHAN: I'm sorry. Is this morality talking?
ME: Nathan--
NATHAN: Ben, if you're good, and I want to stray again, or you do--which is bound to happen since we're both gay and young--then we might even be able to come to a newer arrangement.

Hmm...I didn't hate that idea.

NATHAN: But for now, you're a watcher. C'mon out, Albert.

And that was how I knew we'd be together for a very long time.

Damaged

Hi, my name is Davis.

JEREMY: Whores 'R Us, Manager Speaking.

I am not at A.C.T.F.

Thank God.

ME: How the Queens behaving themselves?
JEREMY: They're not. We've all been going out every night and Carter's hiding his inner pain from being mugged by bedding half the gays in every theater department in the state.
ME: What about the other half?
JEREMY: Cal's getting them.

I was just coming back to my apartment after a long day of putting together press releases for Pride. The Mayor was trying to shut it down completely, but so far, RI-TRI and I had been able to fend him off.

ME: Have any of you actually won anything?
JEREMY: I think we forgot that was actually a goal.

As soon as I opened the door, I knew something was wrong.

ME: Shit.
JEREMY: Huh?
ME: I'll call you back.

My apartment had been ransacked. Clothes were everywhere. Furniture was torn up. There was broken glass and food on every surface.

It looked like my 19th Birthday party.

I would have chalked it up to burglary, but then I saw the poster on my bedroom door.

"Vote for Burke!"

It was from his last campaign.

ME: Son-of-a-bitch.

So this is what it feels like when somebody crosses the line.

ACTF--This Won't Be Weird

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

Knock Knock.

I was alone in my room after a lackluster scene performance during the day while my partner--Cal--was out carousing with some BC students at a bar that's either called "Buckey's" or "Lucky's."

I can't remember which.

People have different ways of dealing with disappointment.

Knock Knock.

I opened the door expecting to find a drunken Cal, but instead I got--

BILLY: Hi.

Oh boy.

BILLY: I have a favor to ask.
ME: Yes.
BILLY: Shouldn't you let me ask first.
ME: Good idea.
BILLY: Obviously, things are a little weird with Ben being here and all, and so I can't really stay in my--
ME: Stay here.
BILLY: Really?
ME: Cal's out drinking. I doubt he'll be coming back to the room. You can have his bed.
BILLY: Amazing, thanks.

Although I was more than glad to help, another part of me thought--

You're not entirely over him yet. This might not be the best--

BILLY: Do you mind if I take a shower?
ME: No, go ahead.

Oh God.
Oh God.
Oh God.

STOP!

BILLY: Do you want to come?
ME: Pardon?
BILLY: I said I'm going to get a soda first. Do you want to come?
ME: Oh, no thanks.

He must have asked that while I was Oh God-ing.

When he came back, I tried to play it cool. I sat on the bed watching the Discovery Channel.

BILLY: You enjoy mating?
ME: Huh?
BILLY: You're watching giraffes go at it.
ME: Oh, am I? OH GOD!

I turned off the television.

So much for looking cool.

We both stayed up talking for a bit, and then around 1am decided to call it quits. Billy got in Cal's bed, and I got in mine.

BILLY: Nite Jeremy.
ME: Nite Billy.
BILLY: Hey Jeremy?
ME: Yeah?
BILLY: I'm really sorry about...everything.
ME: You don't have--
BILLY: Yeah, I do, and I am...sorry.
ME: Okay.

Quiet. I kept breathing...in and out...in and out...and finally--

ME: I think I'm still in love with you.

And I waited.
And I waited.
And I waited.

Then I realized...he was asleep.

ME: So...yeah.

That's got to be some kind of a sign, right?

ACTF--I Like the Way You Do O'Neill

Hi, my name is Eli.

BRAD: That was awesome.

This is Brad.

Brad saw my scene and really liked it. Apparently I kicked its ass and then banged its sister.

ME: Thanks, I appreciate it.
BRAD: I'd love to see you do more O'Neill. Maybe some Iceman.
ME: Yeah, I'm not sure how good I'd look in a winter coat. Haha...

He sort of looked at me funny, but then smiled.

We went up to his room and hung out. He's pretty chill.

I could tell he was feeling me, but I mean, it's not the first time it's happened.

JEREMY: Where's he from?
ME: Prov.
BILLY: Where does he go to school?
ME: Clueless.
CAL: Did you two--
ME: No.

I was having dinner with the other Ocean State kids.

HANK: Does he know you're not going to--
ME: Would you guys just drop it?
VOICE: Hey Eli!

I shot them all a look that said, 'Say anything nasty and I'll flip your burgers.'

ME: Hey Brad, how's it going?
BRAD: Great, actually. I was wondering if I could crash in your room tonight though.
HANK: Mmhmm.
ME: Shut up, Hank.
BRAD: My roommate met up with some trashy kid and now they're going at it night and day. Maybe you know him, his name is--
ALL: Carter.
JOEY: You can stay in our room, Brad. I'll just stay with Hank, since Carter apparently won't be using his bed tonight.
HANK: Just make sure you sterilize it.
BRAD: You sure you don't mind?
ME: No, I guess it's all worked out.
BRAD: Great. Thanks.

He walked away.

5...4...3...2...1...

CAL: I'm coming out...I want the world to know...

I tried to stop them, but they were already gathered around me like the pink ladies in Grease.

ALL: Got to let it show...

Bitches weren't even on key. Just saying.

ACTF--We're Here

Hi, my name is Hank.

ME: If you bitches get us kicked out of this hotel, I'm going to flip out.

All the Ocean State kids just rolled up to the home site for A.C.T.F, and already there was trouble.

NATHAN: I can't believe you followed me here.
BEN: What makes you think I followed you?
NATHAN: Because nobody takes a vacation in Fitchburg!

Ben still wasn't trusting Nathan to be by himself.

JEREMY: Don't you find that a little ironic, Ben, considering--
BEN: Did I ask your opinion?
NATHAN: Where are you going to stay?
BEN: In your room. Where else?
BILLY: Yeah, I don't think so.
BEN: Don't want the competition, huh?
BILLY: Oh please.

Meanwhile, Carter was already hitting on some boy from another school.

CARTER: I'm known as the innocent one.
ME: Or He Who Has Gnono.
CARTER: Stop cb-ing me, Hankazoid.
ME: If I hadn't needed a free trip so bad, I never would have agreed to be your partner.

We weren't the only ones having trouble with our scene. Joey and Eli couldn't seem to get their act together.

JOEY: No, you say 'amended' because I have to say--'How can you say "amended"?'
ELI: Are you sure?
CAL: What's your scene about?
ELI: Joey's a closeted young man too scared to admit to himself who he is, and I'm the more comfortable gay guy trying to help him.
ME: Do you think maybe you should consider switching roles?

And that was when we saw them.

JEREMY: Oh, there's that kid, Kevin.

The RIC kids.

KEVIN: Hey Jeremy, good to see you made it okay.
JEREMY: Considering we all drove up in one van, it was a semi-miracle.

Nobody laughed. Just sayin'.

RIC KID #1: You guys took a van? We got a bus.
ME: Whoop dee fucking doo.
JEREMY: Hank!
RIC KID #2: Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.
CAL: Yes, but at least he showered and put gel in his hair afterwards.
RIC KID #3: Whoa, chill out Ocean State.
BEN: I kind of don't like the way you said that.
RIC KID #1: You planning on doing anything about it?

We were on the verge of rumbling when another kid walked up to the group.

RIC KID #4: Guys, we have to check in.
ELI: Good idea. Here's a better one, go play in traffic.
RIC KID #4: Did I miss something?
KEVIN: I think we got off on the wrong foot with these guys.
RIC KID #4: Huh? I'm confused.
JEREMY: I don't think we've met. I'm Jeremy.
RIC KID #4: I'm Justin.
RIC KID #1: Albert.
RIC KID #2: Steven.
RIC KID #3: Chuck.

I held out my hand.

ME: I'm Hank. I'll be one of the guys kicking your ass in the competition.

They looked at each other and walked away.

BILLY: What a bunch of catty bitches.
NATHAN: Enough about them. At least they don't have a psycho boyfriend.
BEN: God, you're such a whiner!

They all started bickering again.

This was going to be a fun week.

All I See Is You

Hi, my name is Billy.

JEREMY: How's he doing?
ME: All right, I guess. He's still kind of depressed.

We were at Carter's house visiting him. He had just gotten out of urgent care that day after getting mugged and pretty badly beaten up while walking around downtown.

JEREMY: I should have stayed on the phone with him until he got to his car.
ME: Don't do that, Jeremy. You know he does what he wants.

We were both sitting out on the porch. I was just starting to realize how warm the weather was getting.

Warm weather brings out odd things in me.

ME: We should go out tonight.
JEREMY: Huh?

See what I mean?

ME: It's nice out. We should...you know...do something.
JEREMY: Something...
ME: Friendly.
JEREMY: Right, well, yeah. Of course.
ME: Are you doing anything?
JEREMY: No, um...no.
ME: Cool. Pick me up at the dorm at eight, okay?
JEREMY: Yeah, sounds good.

I walked away wondering why I just did that. Maybe it was because I knew Jeremy had stayed with Carter every second since he found out about him and he could use the break.

Or maybe I'm just losing my mind.

The latter is a good possibility.

Unfortunately, the nice weather did not hold up. At seven it started raining, and it didn't stop. When my phone rang to tell me Jeremy was here, I texted him to park and come on in. It didn't occur to me that by the time he got into my room he'd be soaking wet.

Which is exactly what happened.

ME: I'm so sorry. You should have just told me no, and you could have waited in your car.
JEREMY: I don't think I'd be good at that.
ME: Waiting?
JEREMY: Telling you no.

Was he flirting?

JEREMY: Do you have a towel or something?
ME: You're going to need more than a towel. I'm giving you some dry clothes.

I picked out a decent enough outfit considering I had no idea where we were going, and handed it to him. He went to change in the bathroom, but as luck would have it--

JEREMY: Somebody's already in there.
ME: Well, I need to put on a new shirt anyway, so...we'll just face away from each other.
JEREMY: Like mature adults?
ME: Exactly, so stop smirking.

We both turned, but it was then I realized I was turned towards my mirror. Had he noticed that? Before I could say anything his shirt was already off.

And it wasn't...it was actually...

Okay, I'll just say this.

Jeremy's kind of hot when he's soaking wet and shirtless.

I was so busy staring I almost forgot to change my shirt. I got it on just as he was turning around. I remembered to stand in front of the mirror to hide it from view.

JEREMY: How do I look?
ME: Not bad.

He smiled. Was it just me or was his smile slightly cuter than all the other times I'd seen it?

JEREMY: Let's party.

We contemplated a few ideas before settling on a restaurant/bar on the East Side. After dinner and no drinking--we're probably the only college students who can eat out for under forty dollars--we headed--where else?--to the club.

It was packed. The place was practically throbbing with bodies. We made our way down to the dance floor.

JEREMY: I love this song.
ME: What is it?
JEREMY: The new Kylie--"All I See Is You."

We were dancing--but not really with each other, but I have to admit, I wasn't that uncomfortable being in a sort of hormone-filled arena with Jeremy.

What was going on with me?

VOICE: Jeremy!

I turned around to see a boy approaching us. A cute boy. And for some reason, I didn't like that he was smiling at--

JEREMY: Hey Kevin.
KEVIN: I love how I just met you a little while ago and I'm already running into you again.
ME: Well, we do live in the smallest state.
JEREMY: Kevin, this is my--
ME: I'm Billy.
KEVIN: Nice to meet you. Do you go to Ocean State too?
ME: That's right.
JEREMY: Kevin goes to RIC.
ME: Great.
KEVIN: So Jeremy, do you ever go anywhere besides the club?
JEREMY: Like where?
KEVIN: Coffee? Dinner?

Was this muppet actually asking Jeremy out? Who does that?

ME: We should get going.
JEREMY: Billy we just got here.
ME: I'm feeling sick.
KEVIN: Are you--
ME: Who do I have to throw up on to get taken out of this festering open sore?

That got some attention.

We pulled up back in front of my dorm fifteen minutes later.

JEREMY: So what was that about?
ME: I'm just not big on clubs, that's all.
JEREMY: You're the one that wanted to go there.
ME: So I made a mistake. I'm sorry.
JEREMY: Fair enough. We all make mistakes.
ME: You have this funny way of saying things.
JEREMY: What do you mean?
ME: Everything has this underlying meaning to it.
JEREMY: Everything just naturally does have an underlying meaning to it.
ME: Okay. Anyway, I should get to bed.
JEREMY: Billy, wait--

I stopped. I wanted him to say...God, a bunch of things, but instead he said--

JEREMY: I still have your pants on.

And I laughed at myself for...for...

ME: It's cool. Give them to me the next time you see me.
JEREMY: Sure. Have a good night.
ME: You too, and, um, thank you.

He smiled, I shut the door, and he took off.

And for some reason, I just stood there for awhile...

...It was almost like I was waiting for him to come back.

How I Justify

Hi, my name is Nathan.

BILLY: Tell me you're kidding.

I'm not kidding.

I was sitting in the Fish Bowl with Billy and the subject of Ben and I getting back together came up...

Naturally, Billy was displeased because, you know, he's in love with me.

ME: I'm sorry, but I can't help loving who I love.
BILLY: That's what the abused wives in the Lifetime movies say.
ME: They still make those movies?

Jeremy and Joey walked in.

JOEY: Hey, what's up?
BILLY: Nathan and Ben are back together.
JOEY: Oh...I have to leave.

Which he did.

Awkward.

ME: Look, I know what Ben did was awful--
JEREMY: Having a threeway on a futon thereby making you look ridiculous to the entire department?
ME: Yes, but--
BILLY: He would have never even said anything if Carter didn't brag about it to me.
JEREMY: Wait, you're the one who--
BILLY: I was trying to be a good friend!

He was trying to get in my pants.

Not that I mind.

It's not that I don't like Billy, but he's an A on the social scale, and Ben's an A+ -- Ben's the "get."

ME: What can I say? People make mistakes. We've moved past it.

That is to say, Ben and I have moved past it. I haven't moved past being pissed at Carter and Eli.

But I'm going to handle that in my own special way.

This department needs a few...changes.

City Streets

Hi, my name is Carter.

JEREMY: Carter, don't you have better things to be doing?

I'm killing time.

ME: Like what?
JEREMY: Like anything other than walking the streets of Providence at 2am?

I like the city at night. Walking through it clears my head.

Jeremy's worried.

ME: I'll be fine.
JEREMY: I just don't think it's safe.
ME: It's Providence, Jeremy, not L.A.
JEREMY: Just do one more lap around whatever block you're on and then go home, okay? Study your A.C.T.F. scene if you have nothing else to do.
ME: Yeah, I should get on that. I'll talk to you later.
JEREMY: So you're heading back?
ME: Sure. Night.
JEREMY: Night.

I hung up...

...And kept walking.

I'd made it over to the Performing Arts Center when I heard them behind me laughing. I wasn't really scared. I was right near the JWU Security Center and one of the clubs--

VOICE: Hey!

I turned around. There were five of them.

GUY #1: What's up?
ME: Nothing much.
GUY #2: You're out late, boy.
ME: I'm not a boy.
GUY #2: What did you say?
ME: I said I'm not--
GUY #1: Shut the fuck up.

He punched me in the stomach, and I went down. I felt someone kicking me, then someone else. I heard someone say 'Get his wallet,' but I'm not sure. I went to reach for my wallet, but then I remembered there's nothing in it, so why bother?

I tried to covering myself, but I didn't do too well.

I thought of Jeremy.

Actually, that was the last thing I thought of before I blacked out.

Meet Kevin Martin

Hi, my name is Cal.

JEREMY: I can't hear myself think!

I'm spending quality time with Jeremy.

We were trying out a new bar that just opened downtown. The music is loud. The guys are skanky. The drinks are too strong.

My kinda place.

ME: Live a little, you prude!
JEREMY: We should be studying our scene, shouldn't we?
ME: You want to run lines on a Saturday night?
JEREMY: Cal, I want to do well at A.C.T.F.
ME: So do I, but if you think I'm going to spend a free week in a hotel surrounded by hot college boys rehearsing a scene from Death of a Salesman, you're crazy.
JEREMY: I knew I should have asked Hank.
ME: He's already working with someone.
JEREMY: Who?
ME: Carter.
JEREMY: Carter? They'll kill each other!
ME: Sometimes anger breeds chemistry. That's why I like my sex rough.

Before Jeremy could continue whining, I waltzed over to the bar. It only took a few seconds before I noticed the boy standing next to me.

ME: Hey.
BOY: Hey.
ME: Having trouble getting the bartender's attention?
BOY: No, it's just a little crowded in here and this was the spot I landed at.
ME: Lucky you.
BOY: Why lucky?
ME: Because you landed right next to me.

He smiled, but he seemed a little disinterested. Then Jeremy walked over to us.

JEREMY: Some guy just asked if I would clean his house in my underwear.
ME: I think I might have dated him last year.
BOY: Hi.
JEREMY: Um...hi.

Random Guy was smiling now. Wait a second--was he smiling at Jeremy?

BOY: Are you guys from around here?
ME: Yeah, we go to Ocean State.
BOY: Cool. I go to RIC.
ME: Poor you.
JEREMY: Cal!
BOY: It's okay. I don't mind. What's your name?
JEREMY: I'm Jeremy. This is Cal.
BOY: I'm Kevin Martin.

He shook Jeremy's hand, and left it there to linger for a second. This boy was already ticking me off. Who hits on Jeremy when I'm standing right there?

Luckily, Jeremy was totally oblivious.

JEREMY: We'd love to stay and chat, but we have to get going. Unless you want to stay Cal?
ME: No, I'm cool.

No way was I going to watch Jeremy get lucky with this tool.

ME: Besides, we have to practice for A.C.T.F.
KEVIN: You guys are going to A.C.T.F.? So am I.
JEREMY: I guess we'll see you there then.
KEVIN: You bet you will.

I grabbed Jeremy and we headed for the door.

Note to self: If I see Bad Taste Boy at A.C.T.F., sneer and walk the other way.

I Want You Back

Hi, my name is Ben.

NATHAN: Any part of you that steps inside this dorm room will be cut off and fed to something hungry with sharp teeth.

I'm apologizing.

ME: Nathan, please--
NATHAN: Forget it, Ben. It's over.
ME: I know that. I just...I...
NATHAN: What?
ME: I miss sleeping next to you.
NATHAN: Do what you did at the party. Sleep between Carter and Eli. That should keep you warm.

He slammed the door in my face.

This was going to be trickier than I thought.

After the threeway, I realized something. There really isn't anything as valuable as an on-campus boyfriend. The drive back home every night is killing me, and even though being single again would mean sex with whomever I want, it's not like I couldn't have that and the boyfriend--as long as I'm more discreet.

But I have to get Nathan back. If not for the fact that I really do care about him, for the convenience.

ME: Fine, but don't forgive me.

Here comes the sap.

ME: But don't expect me to stop loving you.

I started to walk away, but stopped when I heard the door open.

Bingo.

NATHAN: Wait.

I turned around.

NATHAN: Did you just say you love me?
ME: Yeah, I did, and I do. I think I got scared and that's why...Why I did what I did. I've just never felt this way about anybody before and I wanted to fight it, but I just can't. But I guess that doesn't matter.

I started to walk away again.

NATHAN: Ben, would you just wait?

I can already see the little cherries lining up on the slot machine.

NATHAN: Maybe we do need to talk.

Jackpot.

The Meeting

Hi, my name is Davis.

MICHAEL: Davis, the Mayor's here.

I was about to meet the Devil.

A special meeting with the Mayor had been arranged through RI-TRI. It was in the hopes of amending some of the policies he was bringing forth in regards to Providence's gay communities. Recent raids of gay establishments and an attempted "scaled-back" approach to Pride in June were just a few of the new measures taken to make Providence more "family friendly."

Notice all the f**king quotation marks?

I wasn't really up for a meeting. I prefer the quote--"storm city hall and lay siege to the f**kers" approach, but the boys at RI-TRI wanted to try the whole catch a fly with honey thing first.

Nevertheless, I was the one who was going to be doing all the talking.

Mayor Burke arrived twenty minutes late--not unusual--and with a small entourage. They stood up against the wall while he sat down in his seat across from me at the conference table. The other RI-TRI members went over to shake his hand.

I stayed where I was.

MAYOR BURKE: I notice you didn't stand when I entered, John.
ME: I didn't want you to think I was about to bum rush you.
MAYOR BURKE: I would never think that.
ME: Then you might want to be a little more cautious.

I was eager to cut past all the chit chat and get to the point.

MAYOR BURKE: What can I do for all of you?
ME: We want you to back the f**k off.
MICHAEL: Davis!
MAYOR BURKE: It's all right. If John here wants to use foul language to express his beliefs, that's fine with me.
ME: Fan-f**king-tastic.
MAYOR BURKE: It's people like you that are the reason for the crackdowns, John. I don't want Providence to be a city overrun with bitter, disillusioned young men searching for their identity.
ME: Who's searching? I know exactly who I am.
MAYOR BURKE: Really, John? Do you?
ME: This isn't about me.

The Mayor stood up and began making his way around the table.

MAYOR BURKE: No, but it's about people like you. All of you. This city has failed you. It's driven you to lives of emptiness, of cheap thrills.
ME: Is that what you think being gay is? An endless chase for the next lustful fix?
MAYOR BURKE: Isn't it?
ME: No. Being young is an endless chase for the next lustful fix. We just get out fixes from each other.
MICHAEL: Davis--
ME: Sorry Mayor, but I'm not ashamed of my lifestyle, and I enjoy reveling in it--AND--as an American, I have the right to do so--in public and proudly.

Mayor Burke returned to his seat and sat down.

MAYOR BURKE: I can see there just isn't any getting through to you gentlemen.
ME: Can I take that to mean you're not going to budge?
MAYOR BURKE: On the contrary, I think I need to increase the intensity of my latest policies.
ME: You do that, and you're going to have a problem on your hands.
MAYOR BURKE: You actually think you can be a problem for me? I run this city.
ME: Or so you think.

And that was that. The Mayor got up and left.

I heard one of the men in the Mayor's entourage mumble something. Before he could move, I was out of my seat and in his face.

ME: What did you say?
ENTOURAGE GUY: I said you fags should learn to show some resp--

But before he could get out anymore, I had already sent a left hook to his jaw. This caused the other members of the entourage to rush me, while the RI-TRI guys ran to my side.

Pretty soon, it was a full-out brawl with most of us being arrested for assault.

The war had begun.