HANK: So are you going to get drunk or are you just going to stare at my pretty face all night long?
Hank took me out for drinks, while Ben was busy continuing to try and get in Billy's pants.
The plan was in full motion, but I still didn't feel right about it. Now that school had started again, I decided I needed a friend to hang out with in case things got to be too much.
And Hank's always good for a night on the town.
HANK: So how are things with the reunited lovebirds?
ME: It definitely doesn't feel so good.
HANK: Then what's the point?
ME: Good question.
I had promised Ben to keep the plan to myself, but it wasn't easy. And the more I drank, the harder it became.
By the end of the night, I was a mess. Somehow I wound up on some sort of box with no shirt on, and Hank trying to get me down.
HANK: Come on, kitten, come down from the tree.
ME: I'm living, Hank!
HANK: That's not living. That's skanking.
I felt a massive hand, and then I was over Hank's shoulder.
Hank carried me up to the coat check, and then out of the club. He put me down in his back seat.
At that moment, he felt like my best friend.
So I told him.
ME: Ben and I made a deal.
HANK: What kind of a deal?
ME: Don't hit the curves so hard.
HANK: Fine, fine. But keep talking.
ME: The deal was...if I agreed to break up with him in two weeks, he'd let me keep our apartment, and he wouldn't break up with me.
HANK: What difference does it make who breaks up with who?
ME: Because! Nobody wants to date the guy who got broken up with! You gotta be on the offensive, Hankie Baby.
I was really plastered. Hank's back seat was looking oh so ready to receive my vomit.
HANK: If you throw up back there, I throw you out my window.
ME: It's all because of Billy.
HANK: What?
ME: Billy! Ben wants Billy back and he thinks if Billy sees me shatter his heart that he'll feel so bad for him he'll take him back.
HANK: Actually, that's not a bad plan.
ME: I hate it. I have to lie to everybody. I have to lie to Billy, who I like, but not in that way that Ben does. And in two weeks I'm going to be a single loser just like you.
HANK: I'm going to write that off as drunk-talk.
ME: I just want to die. I don't want to do this plan anymore.
We got to my apartment, and I was back over Hank's shoulder going up the stairs and being deposited in front of my door.
It opened, and Ben appeared.
BEN: I see you two had a good time.
HANK: I'd get him into a cold shower if I were you.
BEN: He hasn't been shooting off his mouth, has he?
Hank looked down at me.
HANK: He kept telling me he loves me. Does that count?
BEN: Aw Hank, who doesn't love you?
HANK: Oh, you never know.
He started walking back to the stairs.
HANK: I'm not always Mr. Nice Guy.
This is going to bite me later.
I can feel it.
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