Carter in Exile

Hi, my name is Carter.

JEREMY: Hey Big Daddy.

I'm going to be a father.

JEREMY: I'm here to lift your exile.

I've never been so happy to see Jeremy in my life. But for a second, I was a little anxious. He and his brother really do look identical.

When he found me, I was sitting the Dining Center eating lunch by myself, like I usually do now. My friends from last year won't even talk to me.

Jeremy gave me a big hug, and sat down across from me.

JEREMY: So when's the baby coming?
ME: Christmas.
JEREMY: Ho ho ho.
ME: Look, if you're going to make fun of me too--
JEREMY: I was referring to Santa, Carter.
ME: Oh...Santa's a ho? Ohhhhhh! Never mind.

Towards the end of school last year, I went to a party and got really wasted. When I woke up, I was lying naked in a bed with some girl I'd only met that night.

And now I'm going to have a kid. A little meeeeeeee.

JEREMY: So how come nobody's talking to you anymore?
ME: They said they were sick of me being a fuck-up.
JEREMY: But they're all fuck-ups, too. They just hide it better.
ME: I know, but when I get mad I can't express my thoughts. So when they told me to get lost, I just did.
JEREMY: You didn't get very far. The theater department is only a few buildings down.
ME: Sometimes I like to look through the glass into the world of my former life.
JEREMY: Have you been writing bad poetry again?
ME: It's not all bad.

I didn't tell Jeremy about what his brother did. How Jackson tried to get me in bed when he first got to town, and how when I didn't let him because he reminded me of Jeremy and Jeremy's like a brother to me and that would be just ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww how Jackson got mad and then everyone got mad and I think Jackson had something to do with it but I can't--

JEREMY: Earth to Carter?
ME: Sorry. I was rambling.
JEREMY: Rambling in your own head? That should be the title of my autobiography. Come on.

He grabbed my hand.

ME: Where are we going?
JEREMY: Didn't you hear what I said when I sat down? We're reinstating you as a CBQ.
ME: They won't--
JEREMY: Let me handle those little bitches.

We walked over to the theater building. Everyone was sitting in the Fish Bowl--Ben, Billy, Nathan, Eli, Joey, Hank, and Jackson.

Jeremy's twin had transferred into the department from whatever school he was at before, but I think this was the first Jeremy knew of it because--

JEREMY: Don't tell me Clone goes to school here now.
ME: Jeremy, it might be better to talk about this calmly.
JEREMY: I'm calm as a fucking cucumber, Carter, now shut up.
ME: Wow, you're like a real New Yorker now.
JEREMY: Watch and learn.

We walked into the Fish Bowl with Jeremy still holding my hand.

JEREMY: Carter meet everyone, everyone meet Carter.
BEN: Uh, we know him.
JEREMY: Oh really? Then why was he sitting alone at the Dining Center?
HANK: Because we don't want to know him anymore.
JEREMY: Tough. He's back. Deal with it.

Nathan stood up.

NATHAN: Oh, so you can force us to hang out with people now?
JEREMY: No, but I can stop hanging out with all of you.
BEN: Fine. Take a hike.
JEREMY: Oh, so now Sonny and Cher are banishing me, too?

Hank got between Jeremy and Sonny and--I mean Ben and Nathan.

HANK: Jeremy, don't do this. Don't get yourself in trouble for Carter.
JEREMY: Carter is one of us. He's our friend. And he may not be perfect. He may be dirty, and ditzy, and a moocher, but he's still our friend. And he's not any more of a dick than we are. We don't just toss each other aside when we're pissed at each other, especially not when one of us is going through a hard time. That's not how things work. You want cliques? Go back to junior high. We're adults. You should all start acting like it.

Eli stood up.

ELI: You know, ever since you got back from New York you think you can just boss everyone around like you're better than all of us?
JEREMY: Oh Eli, didn't you get the memo? I am better than a closet-case cocksucker Miley-wannabe.

Eli went to punch Jeremy, but I went to block him and took the punch instead. I went down hard. Pretty soon everyone was standing over me.

JOEY: Carter, can you hear me?
HANK: Carter, can you see me?
BILLY: Carter, can you touch--never mind.

The room seemed to be spinning. Hank managed to get me to my feet by pulling me up by the neck like a puppy. He sat me down on the couch.

Jeremy was pointing at Jackson.

JEREMY: You had something to do with this.
JOEY: Jeremy, don't be insane. Jackson never did anything.
JEREMY: Oh, so now you know my brother better than I do?

Billy shoved Jeremy.

BILLY: We don't need to know him. He was here. We were here. You were the one who wasn't here. So you don't have a right to say anything.

Billy stormed out of the Fish Bowl. Ben and Nathan went after him. Eli got in Jeremy's face.

ELI: You and I are done. You understand me? Done.
JEREMY: I'll cry later.

Eli left the room. Then Jackson stood up.

JACKSON: You're losing all your allies, Clone.
ME: Is that your nickname for each other?
JEREMY: That's my nickname for him. He stole it. Just like he tries to steal everything.
JOEY: Jeremy, stop.
HANK: This is stupid.
JEREMY: Carter's back, Jackson. End of story.
JACKSON: Fine, what do I care?

That got me mad.

ME: You cared when I wouldn't sleep with you.

It was like it all happened so fast. I said what I said, then Hank said--

HANK: Jackson, you tried to sleep with--

Then Jeremy grabbed Jackson and pushed him up against the glass. I thought it was going to shatter and the two of them were going to go right through it.

JEREMY: Don't you ever come near my friends again? Do you hear me?

Jackson just smiled.

JACKSON: It's a little too late for that, Clone.

Hank and Joey grabbed Jeremy and pulled him out of the lounge, but he was yelling at the top of his lungs.

JEREMY: What do you mean? WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S TOO LATE?

Jackson sat back down, still smiling.

And me? I passed out.