Jeremy's Morning After

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

VOICE: I think you're wearing my underwear.

This is not the first thing you expect to hear when you wake up in the morning.

I opened my eyes and saw a total stranger--albeit, a very handsome stranger--laying in bed next to me.

Clearly, New Year's Eve was a success.

JEREMY: Uh, do I...know you?
RANDOM GUY: Define 'know.'
JEREMY: How many sentences have we spoken to each other?
RANDOM GUY: Does 'they're in the drawer' count as a sentence?
JEREMY: Ohhh this is bad.

I'd have to get my calendar, but I'm pretty sure 2011 is titled The Year of Bad Decisions.

Knock, knock.

JEREMY: Oh damn.
JACKSON'S VOICE: We're already running late and I still need to stop somewhere and get a third of a bagel for breakfast!
PAIGE'S VOICE: And a gift!
JACKSON'S VOICE: Are you telling me you didn't buy the gift for the wedding yet?
PAIGE'S VOICE: We have time!
JACKSON'S VOICE: The wedding is in an hour!
PAIGE'S VOICE: So we won't wrap it!

I wonder if they remember that the point was to wake me up.

RANDOM GUY: Who are they?
ME: My siblings. Could you hide in the closet please?
RANDOM GUY: Excuse me?
ME: I'm a very private person. I'm not comfortable with them knowing there's a naked boy in my room.
RANDOM GUY: That's funny. You're the first private person I've met who doesn't wear underwear.
ME: I'm wearing--oh right, it's yours.
RANDOM GUY: What's that scar near your belly button? It's hot.

JACKSON: Somebody call an ambulance! He's been shot!

ME: Fishing accident.

After I threw some clothes on and threw the boy in the closet, I went into the kitchen where my family was assembled around the table.

JACKSON: Well if it isn't the little slut.
ME: Who ratted me out?
JOAN: Your bedroom is next to mine, remember dear?
ME: Thanks Mom.
JOAN: You really should get therapy, or get therapy for whomever you brought home last night.
ME: It was New Year's Eve. I got a little...enthusiastic.
PAIGE: Mom says you got enthusiastic three times.
ME: MOM!
JACKSON: This whole family dynamic is very unhealthy.
PAIGE: Luckily, I'm not a part of the family anymore.
JOAN: Oh Paige, please don't make things awkward by speaking the truth.

We found out last year that Paige was adopted. Last year was also the year I started a theater company, found out my best friend has leukemia, and was shot.

Needless to say, the past seven months have involved a lot of recuperation.

JEREMY: Here's hoping this year is free of any drama.
JOAN: I'll drink to that!
JACKSON: Mom, it's eleven in the morning.
JOAN: And that's why we get married in the afternoon. Remember that, children.

Knock, knock.

JEREMY: Is that the limo?
JACKSON: Why? Do you want to have sex in there too?
JEREMY: Shut up, Jackson!

It wasn't the limo. It was--

ADAM and JOEY: You had sex last night.
ME: PAIGE!
PAIGE: I meant to send that text to...myself.

Joey was supposed to move to New York and take Adam with him, but then he had a change of heart when the two of them started dating and now they're moving in together.

JOEY: Shouldn't you be ready to go?
ME: I just need to do something to my hair.
ADAM: I would shave it all off and start from scratch.
JOEY: Do you smell smoke?

I ran into my bedroom and saw smoke coming out of my closet. When I opened the door, Hookup Guy was sitting on my hamper with a cigarette.

RANDOM GUY: Does it bother you that I smoke?
ME: In my closet? Yes.
RANDOM GUY: What's your name by the way? You told me it was Voltaire, but that seems a little too plain for you.
ME: Jeremy. My name is Jeremy.
RANDOM GUY: Hi, my name is Jeremy.
ME: You're Jeremy too?
RANDOM GUY: No, I was just--never mind. I'm Ivan.
ME: Nice to meet you. Now if you could just hang in here until we all leave for the wedding, and then let yourself out, that would be great. I'm assuming you're not going to steal anything, but if you do, then steal it from my brother's room.
IVAN: Who's getting married?
ME: I am.

And I closed the closet door.

That was when the smoke detector went off.

I ran back into the kitchen to find Joey, Adam, and Paige fanning smoke away from the stovetop, which was on fire.

JOAN: I tried to make your brother a bagel.
ME: Tell me you didn't just throw a bagel on the burner.
JOAN: Nooo--I put it on a paper plate first.

Just as the smoke was clearing, I felt a tap on my shoulder.

I turned around to see Jackson with his arm around Ivan.

JACKSON: Everyone! Your attention please! This is Ivan. He was sitting in Jeremy's bedroom closet with no clothes on so I told him to come out and introduce himself.
PAIGE: Ooohhh, he's cute.
JOEY: Adam, stop staring at his--
ADAM: What else is there to stare at?
JACKSON: Apparently, I am not the slut of the family anymore.
ADAM: No, that's still Paige.
PAIGE: Hey! (It's true.)

And that was when I knew I was going to be late for my own wedding.