We're All Here Because We Love You

Hi, my name is Adam.

JEREMY: What the hell are you all doing here?

This is an intervention.

JEREMY: Is this an intervention?
HANK: No.
PAIGE: Hank! Yes, it is!
HANK: I thought we were lying to him?
JACKSON: We lied to him to get him here. Now he's here, so we don't have to lie anymore.
DAVIS: Jeremy, I have Gaga tickets in my car. You sit here for an hour, and they're yours.

Jeremy quietly sat down.

DAVIS: See how easy that was?
JOAN: Not all of us are interested in buying what we want.
JACKSON: This from the woman who spent more on her last purse than she did on my birthday present.
JOAN: I bought you a birthday present?
JEREMY: I bought the damn present!
JACKSON: Figures.
ME: HEY!

Everybody looked at me.

ME: I'm running this intervention. I'm the one who's seen the show a million times. Now everybody just shut up until it's your turn to talk. I have the talking frog.

I held up the stuffed animal we found in Paige's room.

JEREMY: I cannot believe this is happening.
ME: Jeremy, we're all here because we love you.
JOEY: Some of us were told there'd be cake.
JEREMY: You don't think you're all being just a little hypocritical?
HANK: Why hypocritical? We're not drunk messes.

Everybody turned and looked at Joan.

JOAN: Maybe I should go get some coffee!

Joan got up to go to the kitchen.

JEREMY: Davis, you--
DAVIS: I know what you're going to say, and yes, I've acted really badly in the past.
HANK: The past?
DAVIS: Last week--but I was never out of control. Jeremy, you're out of control.

Jeremy stood up.

JEREMY: You know what--
JACKSON: Jeremy, sit down.
JEREMY: Great. Another slutty peanut from the gallery!
JACKSON: We're all worried about you!
JEREMY: No, you're worried because for once there isn't anybody to clean up your messes! Suddenly you have to do it yourself! Oh, and Heaven forbid if I should need taking care of!
PAIGE: Sweetie, we're willing to help you. But you have to let us.
DAVIS: We know this all goes back to the shooting.

Uh oh.

ME: Let's not dig up the past. This is about the future.
JEREMY: Do you all understand that somebody shot me? And they're still out there walking around! They might even be someone I know!
HANK: Of course it's someone you know. It's Nathan. It had to be.
ME: It's not Nathan.

Now all eyes were on me.

ME: Um...I mean...probably not.
PAIGE: Adam--
JEREMY: Did you remember something?
ME: I just remembered that it wasn't Nathan. That's all.
DAVIS: But wouldn't you have to remember that it was someone else to remember that it wasn't Nathan?
HANK: What exactly do you remember?
ME: I--

Suddenly there was a crash from the kitchen.

JEREMY: Mom?

We all ran into the next room where Joan was lying on the floor unconscious.

JACKSON: I'm going to call 9-1-1.

So much for the intervention.