Jackson's New Leaf

Hi, my name is Jackson.

ME: Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
HANK: You quit drinking?
ME: Oh God no, my new life is definitely going to include drinking.

It's also going to feature me developing an entirely new perception with the general public.

I revealed my plan to Hank, Adam, and Joey in the Fish Bowl before classes started.

ME: Since Jeremy graduated, and I'm still here, I don't have to be the bad twin anymore.
JOEY: So you're not going to gossip, lie, and stab people in the back anymore?
ME: Only at home with my family.
ADAM: You want to meet the new kids before you put away your bitch blazer, Jackson.
ME: They're freshman. How bad can they be?

As if on cue, the door to the Fish Bowl opened and three newbies came right on in.

FRESHMAN #1: Oh hey! Are you guys theater majors?
HANK: Why else would we be in the theater lounge?
ME: Hank, be nice. Sorry guys, he can be a little rude sometimes.
FRESHMAN #2: I like it. He's sassy.
FRESHMAN #3: And cute.
ADAM: Um, he's sitting right here. And so am I--am I not cute?
JOEY: Adam!
ADAM: What?

I decided to handle the introductions.

ME: I'm Jackson, and this is--
FRESHMAN #1: I'm Patrick.
FRESHMAN #2: I'm Jonathan.
FRESHMAN #3: I'm Scott.

Wow, they're not as shy as I was expecting.

PATRICK: We're having a party at the dorms tonight if you guys wanna come.
JOEY: Sorry, but tonight Adam and I are cleaning the bathroom at our apartment.
HANK: Thanks. For a second there, I didn't feel so bad about being single.
ADAM: Hey! It's fun! We have snacks afterwards!
ME: I'm in.

The three freshmen turned and looked at me.

JONATHAN: Um, not to be, you know, but, aren't you a little...
ME: A little what?
PATRICK: Old?

WHAT?!?!

SCOTT: We just wouldn't want you to be uncomfortable, you know?
ME: No, I don't know and--
PATRICK: Sassy should come though.
JONATHAN: Sassy should def come.
SCOTT: High Def TV.
ADAM: That's not an expression.
PATRICK: We're going to grab some lunch at SW.
JOEY: You mean Subway?
PATRICK, JONATHAN, AND SCOTT: Lates!

They all left cackling.

JOEY: Did they mean later?
HANK: I hate them.
ADAM: Me too.
HANK: What about you, old man?
ADAM: Yeah, how's the new leaf?

I couldn't hear them.

My ears were filled with murderous rage.