Cranberry Bogs

Hi, my name is Adam.

JOEY: We need to talk.

I just got broken up with…

JOEY: I think we should break up.

…On Pride Day.

I spent the night at Joey’s apartment, only to be woken up by him in a not-so-unpleasant way.

ME: Oh my…

But then—

JOEY: I think we should break up.

It was confusing.

ME: But…we just…you know…
JOEY: I know. I thought you’d appreciate that.
ME: I hate you.
JOEY: I’m sorry.
ME: Don’t leave me.
JOEY: It’s for the best.
ME: No, it’s really not.
JOEY: I wasn’t talking about it being the best for both of us.

Knock, Knock.

VOICE: Joey, you ready?

Wait…

ME: Who’s that?
JOEY: Um, that’s…Brian.
ME: Who’s Brian?

Brian decided to walk right in.

BRIAN: You ready? My friend Cranberry Bogs is performing at the festival in an hour.
JOEY: Drag queen?
BRIAN: From Phoenix.
ME: Excuse me! Is this actually happening?
JOEY: I’m sorry, Adam. I just can’t be tied down right now.

Then he looked at Brian.

JOEY: Unless I’m drunk or something. Hahaha…Sorry, Adam. It’s for the best.
ME: No, it’s really not.
JOEY: Again, in terms of me.

That’s how I knew it was going to be the worst Pride ever.

PAIGE: I’m done with him.

I went to see Paige so she could console me.

Buzz. Paige's phone went off.

ME: It’s him, isn’t it?
PAIGE: I’m telling him to leave me alone.
ME: You’re making a coffee date, aren’t you?
PAIGE: It’ll be harsher if I tell him off over coffee…and maybe a muffin.

This is my support system.

JEREMY: Paige, hurry up. We have to be at the tent by noon or we’ll miss Cranberry Bogs.
ME: You like Cranberry Bogs too?
JEREMY: She juggles Cher dolls. It sounds easy, but it’s a real art.
PAIGE: Jeremy, darling brother, do you think Billy will be at Pride?
JEREMY: I don’t know, Paige. Why don’t you call him and ask him?
PAIGE: Because I want you to call him.
JEREMY: Paige, he’s engaged.
ME: Do you—
JEREMY: Yes, I’m aware that rhymes.

Ever since Billy’s botched wedding, Paige has been trying to get him and Jeremy to reconcile.

PAIGE: He’s going to be leaving for Vegas next week to elope.
JEREMY: I’m not sure it’s eloping if everybody knows you’re doing it.
PAIGE: Forget semantics. You have to stop him!
JEREMY: It’s his life.
PAIGE: He’s your soulmate!
JEREMY: He slept with my brother!
JACKSON: Did I hear my name?

Jackson was still in a bathrobe. Something was telling me that we would be missing Cranberry Bogs and her Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves.

PAIGE: If it weren’t for you, our brother would be happy.
JACKSON: If it weren’t for you, I’d still be able to fit into my skinny jeans. Your snacks put five pounds on me.
PAIGE: Jackson, tell Jeremy that he belongs with Billy.
JACKSON: Jeremy, you belong with Davis.
PAIGE: What?!?
JACKSON: He does. They’re soulmates. Just like Mom and martinis.
JOAN: Did I hear my name?

This bathroom was getting really crowded.

PAIGE: Hello Non-Biological Mother.
JOAN: Paige, if you don’t want to treat me like your mother, then I suggest you stop ignoring me, because otherwise it’s the same old song and dance. Hello Adam, don’t you look red in the face. Were you out running?
ME: I was having my heart stomped on and eaten by wolves.
JOAN: Break-ups are supposed to make you weep, sweetheart, not sweat. How in the world are you going to attract a rebound looking like you just hopped off the treadmill?
PAIGE: Joan!
JEREMY: Mom, enough.
PAIGE: I mean, look at Jackson. He and Ben broke up and he’s not all—-
JEREMY: You and Ben broke up?
JOAN: Yes, and I think—
JACKSON: It just wasn’t working out.
JOAN: I think—-
JEREMY: But you seemed so—-
JOAN: Jeremy, I think you should date Ben.

Silence.

JOAN: Not because he’s your soulmate, but just because you both are the same size and you could swap sweaters. Think how much fun that would be in the winter! Okay, time to raid the cupboards for the cooking sherry.

It figures. Jeremy has three potential boyfriends and I have nobody. And he doesn’t even manscape properly.

Ding Dong.

JEREMY: It’s probably the boys.
JACKSON: It could be Davis.
ME: It could be a murderer. Tell him I’m in here waiting.
JOAN’s VOICE: Jeremy! It’s Billy!
PAIGE: Yay!
JEREMY: Shut up, Paige! And take that dumb t-shirt off.
PAIGE: But it says Team Billy!
JACKSON: I used my Team Davis shirt to wipe—-
JEREMY: STOP! Just stop! Thank you.

Jeremy walked out of the bathroom.

ME: We’re eavesdropping, aren’t we?
PAIGE: Are you kidding? We even have baby monitors.

Jackson, Paige, and I hid in the bathroom while Jeremy talked with Billy in the living room.

JEREMY: So how was the wedding?
BILLY: It was…nice. You know, until Davis threw up on me and it rained.
JEREMY: I wonder if the karma was the vomit or the precipitation.
BILLY: Look, I knew you wouldn’t be happy—-
JEREMY: That old E.S.P. kicking in again?
BILLY: Kurt is a nice guy, and you and I—-Jeremy, it just…never seems to work out. It’s like we’re on some sort of horrible, campy soap opera blog written by some bitchy gay guy.
JEREMY: I resent that.
BILLY: Why?
JEREMY: I don’t know. I just do.

Paige started to cry.

PAIGE: Why can’t they just make it work?
ME: Shut up, you dumb bitch. Your brother’s in crisis!
JACKSON: I’m telling you. He belongs with Davis.
ME, PAIGE: Ssshhh!

There was more talking, and then—-

BILLY: I’m not entirely sure I’m not in love with you anymore.

Whoa.

JEREMY: Thanks. That’s the vaguest thing anyone’s ever said to me.
BILLY: If you think this can happen, then…I’m willing to try again. I’ll tell Kurt-—
JEREMY: Tell Kurt to pack light for Vegas. It’s a honeymoon after all.
PAIGE: No!
BILLY: Jeremy—-
JEREMY: You have no idea who you are, Billy. You belong with someone like Kurt. Some bland guy who can adore you and never challenge you or your bullshit in any way whasoever. I’m not going to spend the rest of my life constantly changing who I am every time you figure out you’re someone else. Go get married. Go to Vegas. Go to Paris. I don’t care. Just pick a path, run down it, and see what happens. Who knows? Maybe I’ll see you at the end of it.

Then there was the sound of a door opening and—

JEREMY: By the way, I still love you too.

--Closing.

PAIGE: He's going to need snacks.
JACKSON: Bullshit. It's time to party.

The festival was a snoozefest, but at least it gave me enough time to get significantly drunk before it was time to hit the clubs.

RITCHIE: Did you see Nathan and the crazy cult kids protesting outside Slice? Davis is going to have a hell of a time getting them to clear out.
ELI: That Valerie Westgate girl is creepy.
BEN: I heard she ate the Chair of the Theater Department at RIC.
JACKSON: No, just one of the choreographers.
JEREMY: Same thing.

Jeremy and Jackson pulled me aside while Paige was at the Thespian/Lesbian tent.

JEREMY: Adam, did Paige tell you about her…situation?
ME: Yeah, yeah, she’s not your sister.
JACKSON: It’s more complicated than that.
JEREMY: She has a brother. A real brother.
ME: Wow. Does she know who it is?
JEREMY: Well, that’s the thing…it’s someone she knows.
JACKSON: It’s one of the boys in the group.
ME: Oh my God!
JEREMY: But she can’t know about that until we find out who it is.
JACKSON: Joan refuses to tell us, and we don’t want her breaking the news to Paige.
JEREMY: The last time she gave Paige bad news it was ‘Honey, there’s no Santa, now pass me that snifter.’
JACKSON: We’re only telling you because if she goes digging for something—-
ME: I’ll try to keep her distracted.
JEREMY: Thank you.

Jackson went to grab another drink, but Ritchie came over to talk to Jeremy.

RITCHIE: So Jeremy, I heard you've come into some money.
JEREMY: Ritchie, please--
ME: What are you guys talking about?
JEREMY: Carter's family won a settlement against Ritchie because of the club explosion.
RITCHIE: They won it against my insurance company, but I think I'm entitled to that money.
JEREMY: How do you figure?
RITCHIE: Because there was nothing wrong with my club. Somebody caused that explosion.
JEREMY: I know you think that Ritchie, but--
RITCHIE: Jeremy, that money could help me rebuild. I could open a brand new club.
ME: One that won't almost kill everyone?
RITCHIE: Zip it, Tiny.
JEREMY: I'm sorry, Ritchie, but Carter's family wants the money to go towards Youth Pride.
RITCHIE: But he left it to you. You're in charge of it--
JEREMY: And I'm going to do the right thing.

He walked away leaving Ritchie looking quite upset.

RITCHIE: He'll change his mind.
ME: I doubt it.
RITCHIE: After everything that's happened this year, you still underestimate me, Adam.

Nathan was walking up and down the sidewalk outside Slice with the Heterosexual Christian Liberation Group.

NATHAN: Down with sin! Down with vice!
HANK: See what happens when they date Ben?
BEN: Hey!
JACKSON: He dated me too, and it’s true what they say. Christians give really good—
JEREMY: Let’s go dance!

I hung back because I wanted a drink from the bar outside. That was when I overheard Nathan talking to that girl Valerie.

VALERIE: You know what you have to do, don’t you, Nathan?
NATHAN: Yes, Valerie.
VALERIE: You’re so tender. Like a crispy chicken nugget.
NATHAN: I’m allergic to those.
VALERIE: Awww, that’s the Devil talking.

All right, enough of that.

Inside, Slice was packed. I ended up dancing with Eli.

ME: So what are you plans for next year?
ELI: I’m moving to New York.
ME: Really? In the fall?
ELI: Try two weeks. I’m done with Providence—again.
ME: Maybe this time it’ll stick.
ELI: Do you want to come with me?
ME: Huh?
ELI: I got a two-bedroom apartment. I need a roommate.
ME: But I’m in school.
ELI: Adam, what is school going to teach you? You need life experience. New York is the best place for you.

Hmm…it’s not like I have that many reasons for sticking around here.

ME: Let me think about it.
ELI: Think all you want. That’s the last thing I’m going to be doing tonight.

Eli went off to find another dancing partner, and I went looking for Jeremy. I felt like going home, and he had my keys since I left my car in front of his apartment.

I didn’t find him, but I did find Ritchie talking to the backstabber.

JOEY: Look, I know what we have to do, okay?

They didn’t see me, so I hung back for a second.

RITCHIE: Just make sure you do it and take off.
JOEY: Why can’t you do it?
RITCHIE: Look, I’m not—

That was when someone shoved me and I fell right into Ritchie.

RITCHIE: Adam, what are you—

I had to create a distraction so they wouldn’t know I was eavesdropping.

So I slapped him.

RITCHIE: Ow!
ME: You son-of-a-bitch. Standing here with my ex-boyfriend!
JOEY: Adam, we were just talking. I’m here with Brian!
ME: And to think I missed Cranberry Bogs for you!

I got out of there before they could ask me what that means.

Jeremy ended up being in Davis’ office. I hung outside the door and waited for him to come out.

It sounded like they were arguing.

JEREMY: You need to lay low.
DAVIS: You need to stop worrying so much.
JEREMY: I still don't understand how you randomly decided to turn into an asshole these past few--
DAVIS: Jeremy, I have leukemia.

. . . . .

JEREMY: What?
DAVIS: It's aggressive too. I guess the diagnosis fits the patient.
JEREMY: Are you--
DAVIS: In treatment. Yup, but they still think I'm not going to have much time left unless I can find a bone marrow donor.
JEREMY: So all this was just you pushing people away?
DAVIS: Except you. I never pushed you away.

I poked my head through the office window. Davis was on one knee.

DAVIS: Will you marry me?
JEREMY: Davis, don't be insane.
DAVIS: I'm dying.
JEREMY: You're not dead yet.
DAVIS: I want to be with you for as long as I'm still here.
JEREMY: That may not be that much longer unless we get you out of here. There's this really bad feeling in the air. You should go.

Davis stood up.

DAVIS: Fine. I get it. You're still in love with Billy.
JEREMY: Davis, there are crazy religious people outside and everybody inside—
DAVIS: --Loves me! Now that the Wilde Blog says I’m King again.
JEREMY: Didn’t you read today’s post?
DAVIS: No.
JEREMY: There was a retraction.
DAVIS: What? They retracted their retraction?
JEREMY: And it said you have athlete’s foot.
DAVIS: I’m going to kill Ritchie.
JEREMY: Why?
DAVIS: Because Ritchie writes for the Wilde Blog!
JEREMY: What?!

WHAT?!

I had to find Paige and tell her that her colleague’s identity was revealed.

HANK: Where are you running off to, Mini-Gay?
ME: I just found out juicy gossip.
HANK: God, you’re such a queen.
ME: Does that mean you don’t want to hear it?
HANK: I said you were a queen. I didn’t say you’re not a good listener. Relay the information, Kitten. I’m all ears.
ME: Ritchie writes the Wilde Blog and Davis just proposed to Jeremy.
HANK: Are you kidding me?
ME: No.

Hank looked like he was about to cry.

ME: What's wrong?
HANK: Oh nothing. I'm just in love with Davis.

He walked away, but before I could follow him, Ritchie came flying into me.

We both landed on the floor, and when I stood up--

JEREMY: You pathetic--

There was Jeremy.

RITCHIE: Is this because of Carter's money?
JEREMY: This is because of the blog, Wilde.
RITCHIE: Oh boy.
JEREMY: You can forget the money--and our friendship. It's over, Ritchie.

Ritchie dusted himself off, and grabbed Jeremy's arm.

RITCHIE: If that's the case, then prepare for war.
VOICE: Hey!

Ben came pushing through the crowd.

BEN: Let him go.
RITCHIE: Fine by me.

Ritchie walked away, but Jeremy was still on a rampage.

JEREMY: I don't need you to save me, Ben.
BEN: I was looking for you anyway.
JEREMY: Are you going to propose too?
BEN: Huh?
JEREMY: Never mind.
BEN: I want to show you something.

He handed him a postcard.

JEREMY: What's this?
BEN: Your new theater.
JEREMY: My what?
BEN: Well, OUR new theater. It used to be a pizza place--my family owned it. Now it's mine--and yours.
JEREMY: Ben--
BEN: I want to show you I'm different. I want to show you that I can--

That’s when the lights went down, and the stage at Slice lit up.

JEREMY: Oh no.
BEN: What’s going on?
JEREMY: Davis is making himself a human target.
ME: Huh?
JEREMY: I've got to see if I can stop this.

He disappeared into the crowd.

A minute later, Davis took the stage to a chorus of “Boo”s.

DAVIS: I know you’ve all heard some rumors about me. I just want you to know that I know some rumors too. I know rumors about almost everybody in this room. So why don’t we all—
VOICE: HE’S GOT A GUN!

I heard a shot ring out, and somebody yelled—

VOICE: DAVIS!

Then, I saw a body fly in front of Davis as a bullet came piercing through the crowd.

People went running everywhere. I saw Paige out of the corner of my eye heading for the stage, and I went after her.

When I got there, I saw who’d been hit.

ME: Jeremy?

Davis was holding him, and there was blood everywhere.

DAVIS: Somebody call an ambulance!

Paige turned to me.

PAIGE: Adam, I need your phone.

Jackson came running up onstage.

JACKSON: Is he breathing?
DAVIS: I can’t feel a pulse.
VOICE: JEREMY!

There was Billy—standing in front of the stage.

BILLY: I came back.
DAVIS: Billy, get help!
BILLY: I came back—I couldn’t do it—
DAVIS: Will somebody do something?

I saw Ben rush up onstage, and kneel down in front of Jeremy. He started giving him CPR.

BEN: One…two…
DAVIS: You don’t know what you’re doing.
BEN: SHUT UP, DAVIS! WHOEVER SHOT HIM WAS AIMING FOR YOU!
DAVIS: How do you know that?
BEN: He took a bullet for you!
BILLY: Where’s the ambulance?
JACKSON: Jeremy, wake up. Come on, Jeremy—
PAIGE: Adam, your phone! I need your phone!
ME: I saw.

Everyone turned and looked at me.

ME: I saw who shot him.

To Be Continued…