The Mayor

Hi, I'm the Mayor of Providence.

MAN: Hey, um, you, your phone is blowing up.

This is the boy in my bed.

ME: I apologize. A pipe probably burst somewhere.

Usually, my assistant is great at handling things so I can have the weekends off. At 7pm on a Friday night, I'm usually already celebrating with a nice young man like--

ME: What's your name again?
MAN: Paul.
ME: Great, Paul. Fantastic. You look like a Christian, but I'll take Paul. Paul, I gotta take this call. See what I did there? Give me a second. You can feel free to pleasure me while I'm on the phone.
PAUL: Or I could get dressed.
ME: You could, but something tells me you like to finish what you start.
PAUL: You--
ME: Hold that thought.

This better be good.

VOICE: Mayor?
ME: Did someone let a llama loose in the mall again?
VOICE: Listen to me, you broken condom. Right now, there is a gunman holding everyone who attended the Miracle Ball tonight hostage at Prisms.

I was fully dressed before he said 'Prisms.'

Because I'm just that good.

ME: What do we know?
VOICE: Get down here. I'll catch you up. And from now on, try to keep your whoring until after ten pm like a normal person.
ME: Don't forget that you're my assistant.
VOICE: Don't forget that I'm the one who got you elected.
ME: I'm still the damn mayor!

But he had already hung up.

PAUL: You're the Mayor? Mayor of what? This hotel? Because I totally couldn't get service on Foursquare.
ME: No, of Providence.
PAUL: You mean you're--
ME: Yeah.

I'm John Davis.