This Is Our Youth

Hi, my name is Eli.

LIAM:  Hey Eli, I'm Liam.

I have decided to give back.

After all the negativity I've seen in the recent weeks, I thought it would be a good idea to do something to make the world a better place.

So I volunteered to be a mentor in the RI-TRI Youth Division.

To show what a good role model I am, I showed up for my first appointment at the RI-TRI offices ten minutes late.  Lesson #1:  Always Keep 'Em Waiting.

ME:  Are you who I'm supposed to be meeting with?

LIAM:  I'm your man.

ME:  Great.  So when do I get paired up with my little homo?

LIAM:  Well, we usually conduct an interview with you first.

ME:  Ugh.

LIAM:  Is that bad?

ME:  Interviews make me hella nervous.

LIAM:  Oh...Well, if there's anything I can do to help you destress...

Five minutes later, Liam and I exited the men's room--and I was feeling much better.  Liam went to get the materials for the interview, but I had a feeling I was going to ace it now.  Then I ran into Skyler.

SKYLER:  God hates me.

ME:  So do I.  What are you doing here?

SKYLER:  I'm a counselor.

ME:  Wow, that makes two of us.

SKYLER:  You're a counselor?

ME:  Well, I still have to do the interview, but I think--

SKYLER:  With your Little Brother?

ME:  Pardon?

SKYLER:  The interview with your Little Brother.  You haven't done it yet?

ME:  Uh, isn't the interview with, like, the higher-ups?

SKYLER:  Nooo.  What gave you that idea?

I felt a tap on my shoulder.

LIAM:  Ready for the interview?

SKYLER:  Oh, you're partnering with Liam?  Excellent.  I was afraid we'd never find him a mentor.

My entire body froze.  I dragged Skyler into the men's room--or as some may call it--the scene of the crime.

ME:  Why--uh--why were you afraid you'd never find him a mentor?

SKYLER:  Because he hits on all of them and usually they're too tempted to continue mentoring him.  I mean, he is a really attractive kid for someone his age.  Not to be creepy.

Creepy--ahhh!  I'm creepy!

ME:  How old is he?

SKYLER:  Sixteen.

ME:  JESUS!

SKYLER:  I know.  Just be careful around him.  The last mentor we gave him wound up in jail.  Hahaha...see you around.

Skyler left the men's room, and I leaned back against the sink.

I was in deep trouble and I hadn't even started the program yet.

The door opened and Liam appeared.

ME:  Look Liam, I don't think--

LIAM:  You have two choices.  Keep doing what we just did, or I tell everyone you took advantage of me.

ME:  It doesn't sound like they'd buy that.

LIAM:  It doesn't matter.  I'm the boy, remember?

BOY!  HE SAID BOY!  AHHH!

ME:  Yeah, I remember.

LIAM:  Good.  After you're done helping me with my homework, you can go down on me in my Dad's car in the parking lot.  Just chew some gum or something first.  Your breath is rank.

He left.  I cried.

Life became a little bit more unfair.