BEN: I need help with something.
ME: The back hair?
BEN: Forget it.
ME: Shut up, and come in.
Ben showed up at my apartment unexpectedly. Apparently I'm now the guy to go to for advice on anything. I was hoping it wasn't about Jeremy.
BEN: It's about Jeremy.
Terrific.
ME: Trouble in Paradise?
BEN: Not exactly. Everything's great.
ME: So what's the problem?
BEN: Everything's great.
ME: Do I need to draw a picture of a problem for you, Ben?
BEN: You don't get it. Now that we're not enemies anymore, we don't have any fire left in us.
Great. This was going to be a conversation about "spark."
BEN: This isn't about spark.
ME: Okay, now you're just freaking me out with the mind-reading thing.
BEN: Huh?
ME: Never mind. Look, it's natural that when you get into a relationship you start wanting to sleep with everyone else. That's what happens to me with every relationship. That's why I'm single.
BEN: You're not single. You're with Billy.
ME: Right. I keep forgetting.
I got myself a drink, and fixed Ben one too.
BEN: It just feels strange. The two of us together. I mean, Jeremy's...Okay, this is going to sound weird. But for the most part, even though he screws up from time to time, Jeremy's... basically...
ME: A good person.
BEN: And I'm...
ME: Not a good person.
BEN: Yes.
ME: I see your point.
BEN: You do?
ME: Yeah. I feel the same way about Billy and me. He's a sweet kid, and I'm John Davis. It just--
BEN: Doesn't feel right!
ME: Right.
Maybe Ben and I are more simpatico than I thought.
ME: Look, the way I see it, you and I have to learn to accept happiness. It's not always crazy and dramatic and intense, but it's comfortable. You get to a point in your life where you need to learn to accept and appreciate comfort.
BEN: But I'm not like you. I'm not thirty.
ME: Whoa!
BEN: I don't want to just settle. I want passion and all that other stuff.
ME: Well, maybe we can help each other with that Ben.
I took his drink and put it on the coffee table. Then I stood in front of him.
BEN: What are you doing?
ME: Would you rather give?
BEN: Excuse me?
ME: Seems like we could either cheat on our boyfriends with people who would rat us out, or we could break up with our boyfriends and destroy two great things, OR we could make a little arrangement.
BEN: And you wouldn't have a problem doing that to Billy and Jeremy?
ME: They're dating the two of us. Did they really think this wasn't in the cards at some point? Besides, I don't want to hurt them. This way they'll never find out. It's called Mutual Assured Destruction. Normally it refers to nuclear warfare, but you and I aren't too far a jump from that.
BEN: Okay, but...
I grabbed him by his hair.
ME: Unzip or leave. I don't have time for chitchat. Billy and I have dinner plans in an hour.
BEN: And nobody finds out?
ME: It's our little secret.
He looked up at me, I let go of his hair, and he unzipped.
Life was beginning to make sense again.
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