Tug of War

Hi, my name is Carter.

HANK: I miss being on top.
ME: You mean--
HANK: Shut up, Carter.

I'm back at work, selling shots, and consoling Hank. Ever since Davis got crowned Mr. Providence, nobody's been interested in getting into Hank's pants.

HANK: I was Number One.
ME: That was just Wilde's opinion. Hank's the new special breakfast.
HANK: You mean the flavor of the week?
ME: Oh...yeah.
HANK: It's scary that I know exactly what you mean.

That was when I looked down on the dance floor and saw the hottest guy ever--in life.

ME: Gotta go, Hank.
HANK: Vaya con dios, Slutty.

I ran down to the dance floor and started dancing near my new love. He caught my eye, and pretty soon we were all up on each other like--

VOICE: CARTER!

I felt somebody grab me. I tumbled off the box, and landed right in Eli's arms.

ME: Eli, can I call you later?
ELI: No! You need to stay away from that boy.
ME: What boy?
ELI: The one you were--
ME: Oh! But I love him.
ELI: His name is Liam.
ME: That's a beautiful name.
ELI: I know him.
ME: Well, I'm going to have to fight you for him.
ELI: He's sixteen.

Eeeee......

ME: Why didn't you open with that?

I heard someone jump down behind me, and I was moved from Eli's arms to Liam's.

LIAM: I'll take it from here.
ME: Liam, put me down. You're a kid.
LIAM: I'm sorry. Are old people what's in style nowadays? Last time I checked we were in a youth-oriented culture.
ME: What does that mean?
ELI: Liam, how did you even get in here?
LIAM: Flirted with the doorman, obvi. But this place is so snooze. Me and my new boy are going to beat it. Sorry Eli, I have to move on with my life.

He started walking away with me when I felt someone grab me by arm.

ELI: Liam, drop the little black boy.
ME: Eli, you're tugging my arm.
LIAM: Back off, Eli. I'd hate to have to tell everyone at the Center that you and I pulled a George Michael.
ELI: You're sixteen! How do you even know who George Michael is?
ME: Guys, I'm in pain.
LIAM: I cultivate a mature personality so as to disillusion people and then strike.
ELI: So basically, you're a gay cobra.
LIAM: That's right. Now are you going to let go or am I going to have to bare fangs?

They started tugging at me. I thought I was going to get pulled apart. Everyone on the dance floor was shouting and placing bets on which part of me was going to come loose first.

VOICE: KNOCK IT OFF!

Everyone turned to see Hank walk over, pluck me from the two boys, and put me down.

HANK: Thank me later.

I ran--but I still couldn't stop thinking about Liam.

Mmmm....