You Can Count on Me

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

JACKSON: I brought you a present.

But you can call me Cain.

I was sitting in the Fish Bowl the Monday after the Banquet where I found out my best friend was sleeping with my evil twin brother, and who should stroll in, but Cousin Patty herself.

ME: I would go away if I were you.
JACKSON: Fine, but in that case, I'm returning my gift.
ME: I don't need a nipple clamp, but thanks all the same.
JACKSON: Actually, my gift involves Ray.
ME: What?

At that moment, the door opened and--what do you know--Ray walked in.

RAY: Okay, so what was I called here for?
JACKSON: I was going to get rid of you for Jeremy, but he doesn't seem to want me to.
ME: What?
RAY: What?
JACKSON: I can get rid of him.
RAY: So now I'm not here?

Jackson came and sat down next to me.

JACKSON: Well?
ME: What's the catch?
RAY: I'm leaving.
JACKSON: You're staying or I'm blabbing.
RAY: Blabbing about what?
JACKSON: I found out something that can make you go away, as long my brother here gets over his little grudge and agrees to stop trying to get me to take off.
ME: Pardon my oncoming French, but no fucking way in Hell, you spawn of demons.
JACKSON: We came from the same womb, kitten.
ME: I was adopted. You're my Changeling. I'm convinced.
RAY: HELLO?!

The door opened again and this time Nathan walked into the Fish Bowl.

NATHAN: Am I interrupting something?
JACKSON: Apparently not.
RAY: Or maybe you are. Maybe it's time I finally outed Jeremy.
NATHAN: Uh, you're a little late on that.
RAY: I was referring to his time in New York.
NATHAN: Hang on, I'll go get everybody!

Nathan ran out of the room. I jumped up.

ME: Ray, don't do this.
JACKSON: I can stop him, bro.
ME: Don't call me 'bro.' We're not the Wayans.
RAY: Just confess, Jeremy. It'll make life so much easier.
ME: You just want me back in New York.
RAY: Guilty as charged.
JACKSON: I can end this.
RAY: I'm telling them.
ME: No, you're not.
JACKSON: I can--
ME: SHUT UP!

Nathan came back in with Carter, Eli, Ben, Hank, Joey, and Billy.

BEN: So what's the deal?
JOEY: Did he kill someone?
HANK: Was he a hooker?
ELI: Did he kill someone while he was hooking?

I looked over at Jackson.

JACKSON: Well?

I looked at Billy. I couldn't let him hear it.

ME: Do it, Jackson.
NATHAN: Huh?
CARTER: I'm confused.

Ray clapped his hands.

RAY: Forget it. Jackson thinks he has something on me that'll--
JACKSON: I don't have anything.
RAY: What?
JACKSON: I don't have anything on you, Ray.
RAY: So you were bluffing. I figured.
JACKSON: What I mean is, I don't have anything that the police don't have.

Silence.

BILLY: The police?
ME: What about the police?
RAY: You didn't.
JACKSON: I did. Ray here has a warrant out for his arrest.
ME: Ray?
RAY: Jeremy, it's--it's not what it--uh--
JACKSON: Someone went around telling everyone he was a trust fund baby, which I guess is true, if the trust fund was made up of profits from cocaine dealing.
ME: Are you kidding?
RAY: Yeah? Well, at least I'm not the only one keeping secrets. Jeremy--
JACKSON: I'd go if I were you. The police are on their way. I called them right before I got here.
RAY: You're lying.
JACKSON: Was I lying about having dirt on you, kitten?

Ray took a second, ran over to me, kissed me on the mouth, and took off. Nathan opened the door to the Fish Bowl and yelled after him.

NATHAN: WAIT! YOU NEVER TOLD US WHAT JEREMY DID!

Jackson sat down looking quite proud of himself.

HANK: So are we all going to be interviewed by the police?
JACKSON: Oh, the police aren't coming. I was bluffing about that.
ME: How did you find out the drug dealing?
JACKSON: Google. Have you heard of it? It's a search engine.
ME: Jesus.
JACKSON: So bro, I need a place to live. How'd you like a roommate?
BILLY: Do you two like each other now?

That was when I knew I'd made a deal with the devil.