Davis the Homewrecker

Hi, my name is Davis.

I'll spare you the banal details of my fascinating life--I realize that's a contradiction. I'm just chock full of contradictions.

This morning I woke up to find that I was a homewrecker.

Imagine that.

I shared this observation with the boy sleeping in my bed. He was the boyfriend of another boy, and in case you haven't figured it out yet, I'm a homosexual.

These are important details.

After showering, I enjoyed my favorite morning breakfast: Strawberry yogurt with the chocolate crunchy things (I believe that's their technical name) and Frosted Flakes. My goal is usually to be running on a severe sugar high by 9am.

My roommate and only admitted friend, Jeremy, woke up, mocked me for my appearance in that online sleazefest Wilde's Blog--and subsequently took off for school. That was when my tryst trotted out of the bedroom.

JOEY: Is it safe?
ME: Yes, I doubt anything will be falling on your head out here.
JOEY: You know what I mean.
ME: My roommate's gone. We could fuck on the kitchen table if you like.
JOEY: My boyfriend--
ME: Ouch--Careful with that word. I told my roommate you were just some trick I brought home last night and sent packing after a bad oral experience.
JOEY: Last night was a mistake.
ME: Actually it was three mistakes. All of them fun and gymnastic.
JOEY: I have to go.

Hmm, I thought--not so fast. Better give him something to remember me by...

Before he could walk past me, I pushed him up against the sink and ripped his shirt off. He didn't immediately tell me to stop so I started kissing him and before I knew it we were pushing my Frosted Flakes onto to the floor and commandeering the kitchen table.

Damn, I thought, I'm going to make a mess.

Before I knew it, we were finished and he was out the door with a promise to call me later, not that I really cared. I had bigger things on my mind--namely a full rebellion in the form of the RI-TRI committee that I'd be meeting with later.

Something was telling me a coup was about to occur.

Then the door opened and Jeremy came bursting back into the apartment.

ME: Forget something?
JEREMY: My murse.
ME: Ah yes, proof that you are in fact gay--despite what the beige shirt you're wearing may imply.

Just then, Jeremy stopped and looked me over. Damn, I thought, Jeremy can always read me. He knows what just--

JEREMY: This is going to sound crazy, but, did you have sex in between me going downstairs and coming back up again?
ME: You're right. That does sound crazy.
JEREMY: You've got that after-sex look you get. You know, the one tigers at the zoo get after they feed them sheep.
ME: I was just thinking about what I'm going to do to that committee later.
JEREMY: That's the fighting spirit.

Jeremy was all smiley--for a split second I wondered if he'd gotten any in the elevator. I keep lobbying for them to put a condom dispenser in there.

ME: What are you so happy about?
JEREMY: I ran into the love of my life in the elevator.
ME: Ryan Gosling was in our elevator?
JEREMY: Close. I took a class with this guy last year, developed an instant crush on him, he dropped the class, and now I've run into him again--in our elevator!

Uh oh.

ME: Joey, right?
JEREMY: Yeah, how did you know?

This is one of those instances where it would be helpful if I could lie to Jeremy, but I just can't. If I can't tell him the truth, who can I tell? Granted, I do lie about some things.

Some might say 'a lot' of things.

Still, I try not to...when I can help it.

ME: Well...

But then again, nobody said omission was the same thing as lying.

ME: I ran into him last night and I found out he lives in the building with his boyfriend.

Jeremy's mood sunk faster than Gretchen Mol's career.

JEREMY: Are you serious?
ME: Sorry, kiddo.
JEREMY: Great. All the good ones are either taken or sleeping with you.

Or both.

JEREMY: I guess I'll just have to keep searching for Prince Charming.

He grabbed his murse off the sofa and headed out once again.

I neglected to tell him that if there really is a Prince Charming, I've probably already gotten his number and thrown it away already.

Such is life.