The Boy in the Bookstore

Hi, my name is Billy.

I am a new employee of the on-campus bookstore.

Technically, the bookstore is part of a large chain that just happens to have an on-campus location, but I like saying "on-campus" bookstore more...so I do.

I work at the on-campus bookstore, hence I am a part of the campus. I belong at this school. I'm in the cogs. Like the cogs of a machine. I'm rambling.

Anyway...

I work almost every night of the week then go to hang out at my friend Tara's dorm room. We goof around. I watch her try on clothes. She updates her myspace. I tell her she would be my girlfriend...if I weren't gay. She says "Maybe you're not gay." I say I am. She looks sad. She tries on a parka.

This is my social life.

Tonight is Saturday night. Most people are out partying. Getting drunk. Tara spent three hours today in her room. I was with her. I watched television. She updated her myspace...for three hours. Tara's myspace is a virtual media hurricane. It takes twelve and a half minutes to upload it, and once you do, you're treated to photo slideshows, numerous blogs on the musings of life and how Good Charlotte is still amazing because they're so hot (with four "t"s), and a virtual puppy named Togo (that Tara pronounces "to go" like "Would you like that sandwich to go?") I don't comment on any of these things.

I believe in silence.

While others get their whatever on, I'm at the bookstore working. We're open until ten. I'll be here until ten fifteen, or however long it takes to close. Right now I'm at the cash register rereading Franny and Zooey for the eighth time. If you're cliche, you read The Catcher in the Rye. If you're pretentious, you read Nine Stories. If you're just looking to be unique for no reason, you read Raise High the Roofbeams.

If you're me, it's all about Franny and Zooey.

I go to put some books away on a nearby shelf. In the next aisle over, I can hear two guys talking. I recognize one of the voices because I saw the person it belongs to come in--a guy named Jeremy I met a few days earlier. He's with some other guy. They're talking about someone.

RITCHIE: He's all right.
JEREMY: Are you kidding? He's amazing.
RITCHIE: You can't call someone amazing if you've never had an actual conversation with them, and his looks--
JEREMY: He's adorable.
RITCHIE: Who wants to date adorable? If you want to date adorable, date a plush stuffed animal.
JEREMY: Ritchie--
RITCHIE: Date a koala bear.

Oh, they're talking about me.

JEREMY: Don't you believe in love at first sight?
RITCHIE: It depends what the first thing I see is.
JEREMY: I'm crazy about him.
RITCHIE: So ask him out.
JEREMY: I'd rather eat crayon.
RITCHIE: Are you nervous? Should I approach him and ask if he has a girlfriend?
JEREMY: Okay, enough lemon in the wound for tonight.

I guess the news that I'm now openly gay hadn't spread yet.

VOICE: Excuse me?

I turned around to find myself in front of a guy--mid-twenties--holding a copy of John Adams by that guy who writes all those books about people everyone already knows everything about. I can't imagine reading one of those books. It's even better when people who read those books discuss them with each other.

PRETENTIOUS GUY: Hey, did you know that about Aaron Burr?
PRETENTIOUS GIRL: Yes! Did you?
PRETENTIOUS GUY: Yes! Isn't it incredible?

John Adams Guy has already started talking while I've been musing on my imaginary pretentious duo.

JAG: So, do you?
ME: Do we what?
JAG: Carry that?
ME: No.
JAG: No?
ME: No.
JAG: You don't carry Of Mice and Men? Isn't it really popular?
ME: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you asked if we carried Atlas Shrugged.
JAG: That sounds nothing like Of Mice and Men.
ME: You're right.
JAG: You don't carry Atlas Shrugged?
ME: No, we do. I meant, we don't physically carry it. You have to pick it up yourself.

He laughed at this. What? I can be funny.

Then I saw it. He kind of nodded his head in a way.

He likes me.

I'm not being obnoxious here. Gay guys tend to like me right away. I think it's this sense of sincerity that I have. I am sincere, but I'm not sure why I project it so much more than normal people.

VOICE: Bart?

I turned to see Jeremy and his friend approaching.

BART: Hey Jeremy. Ritchie.
RITCHIE: Bart, so good to see you.
JEREMY: What are you doing shopping at an on-campus bookstore?
BART: Picking up stuff for the boy.

Oh, he has a boyfriend. Good. Maybe he'll leave me alone. Right now I only like one guy, and he's a major c.c. (closet case) so I'm not expecting much progress there. In the meantime, I don't plan on settling for someone who shops for a Founding Father on a Saturday night.

JEREMY: I didn't know you had a boy.
BART: Yeah, his name is Joey. He just moved in with me actually.

I could see Jeremy and Ritchie register surprise. It must mean something that this guy Bart is dating this guy Joey. God, gay guys are so complicated. Why couldn't I have just discovered that I was into something else--like learning French or Miles Davis?

JEREMY: Well, that's--
RITCHIE: Very interesting.

It was then that Jeremy's friend Ritchie turned his gaze to me.

RITCHIE: And are either of you going to introduce me to this handsome young man?
JEREMY: Stop talking like Ian McKellen, Ritchie. You're twenty-two.
BART: I haven't actually been introduced either.
ME: I'm Billy.

The three of them were all sizing me up. It was awkward. Jeremy clearly has a "He's so sweet and untainted" crush on me. Bart was developing a "I like a younger guys and he fits the bill" crush. Ritchie seemed like he merely wanted sex. Don't judge, but I'm most comfortable with the third crush. It's less complicated.

That doesn't mean it's going to happen.

VOICE: Billy!

I was beginning to think maybe I needed to get a less high-profile job. The bookstore seemed to be a gay little hotspot.

Except this time, I was happily surprised by who was there when I turned around--

ELI: Working on a Saturday night? Lameness.
ME: Yeah, totally.

Jeremy and Ritchie didn't seem too thrilled to see Eli. I think a lot of open gay guys feel resentment towards c.c.'s. For one thing, they're more attractive because they're a challenge. For another, here are guys who've taken the plunge, and they can't understand why everyone else can't do it. It's like people who quit smoking. They're miserable and they want everyone else to be, too.

ELI: Hey guys.
JEREMY: Hey Eli.
RITCHIE: Hello.

Bart seemed to be the only one looking pleased. He likes the challenging ones, I can tell.

BART: I'm meeting all kinds of new people tonight. I'm Bart.
ELI: Eli.

Eli made a big show of shaking Bart's hand like a real man. It was a little like watching a kitten put on a sweater. It just didn't look right.

ELI: So Billy, I heard from Tara that you were working tonight, and I was like, What? Um, no! He needs to get out of there. It's a Saturday. I thought maybe if I offered up movie passes and a ride...
BILLY: Well, I guess I could ask to leave early. We're really dead.
ELI: Amazingness. Let's go.
BILLY: See you, guys.

As I walked away, I realized that I was being a little irresponsible, but oh well. I looked behind me to see all three guys thinking the same thing.

I'm usually really good at knowing what people are thinking.

I just don't happen to care very much.