What We Have Here is a Situation

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

VOICE: Okay, kitten. Time to wake up.

I'm tied to a bed.

VOICE: At least he's not dead.

And I don't mean that in a frisky way.

When I opened my eyes, Billy and Simon were standing on either side of the bed looking rather panicky. Well, Billy looked panicky. Simon looked like a member of the Donner party.

ME: Is this some sort of weird sex thing? Because so far, I'm only kind of into it.

Billy sat down on the bed.

BILLY: Ritchie, I don't think our relationship is working out.
ME: Because you're sexting with some eighteen-year-old whore from school and your friend just knocked me out with a frying pan?
BILLY: Let's not try to pinpoint exactly what the problem is. What matters is that we try to end things amicably.
ME: How about having you two arrested? Would that be amicable enough for you?

Simon took a step towards the bed, but Billy held up his hand, and he stopped.

ME: I see now you're the Gay Whisperer.
BILLY: Simon, I need to talk to my boyfriend--
ME: Ex!
BILLY: --Ex-boyfriend for a second.

Simon left the room.

BILLY: Look, I'm sorry about all this, but Simon was only trying to protect me. You threw me on the kitchen table.
ME: I guess when Jackson does it, it's hot.
BILLY: Do you want to take potshots at me or do you want to get untied?

Silence.

ME: I'm listening.

Billy leaned in and whispered.

BILLY: There's really no good way to say this, so I'm just going to come right out with it. Simon is crazy.
ME: News flash.
BILLY: Ritchie, trust me, you need to let me untie you, and then get him out of here. You do not want to push this.
ME: Or else what? He'll hit me with a colander?
BILLY: He's dangerous, Ritchie.
ME: Then why are you friends with him?
BILLY: It's a long story.
ME: Do I look like I'm going anywhere?
BILLY: It's better if you don't know.

He started to untie me.

ME: So this is how it ends? With you taking off with your psycho friend and me here alone with rope burn?

Billy gave me a kiss on the cheek.

BILLY: The truth is, I think I still have feelings for Jeremy.
ME: Ha! You don't have a prayer.

Billy started to walk away.

ME: Hey wait! You didn't finish untying me.

He smiled, and then threw my cell phone at me from the night stand.

ME: You used to be pretty popular, right? Call someone who cares.

With that, he was out the door.

Oddly enough, it was one of my more amicable break-ups.