Welcome to RIC

Hi, my name is Nathan.

VALERIE: You must be Nathan.

This is my new school.

ME: You're Valerie, right? The department chair said you could show me around.

Rhode Island College--a totally new environment where I can start fresh and learn what it is to do theater without all the drama.

VALERIE: Oh look, it's James! Hi, Dumbass!
JAMES: Why don't you die?
VALERIE: Why don't you find a knife to fall on?
JAMES: I hope your lungs fail.

Um...

VALERIE: This is where we all sit and chat.
KRISTINA: Who's the new guy?
VALERIE: Why? Do you want to screw him like every other guy?
KRISTINA: Haven't you done that already? I'm not interested in your left-overs. They always taste like wilted lettuce.
VALERIE: Aw, the same color as your--
ME: HEY!

They both turned to look at me.

ME: Would anyone mind telling me where the bathroom is?
VALERIE: Yeah, down the stairs and to the right.
KRISTINA: Unless you need to puke, in which case, just do it right on Valerie.

Well...at least they say all this stuff to each other's faces.

ADRIANO: ...but not his pants!
HAYLEY: Ah-mazing.
ME: Um, I'm sorry.
ADRIANO: Oh! You're the new guy.
HAYLEY: Nice bone structure.
ME: Uh...thanks. Isn't this the men's room?
ADRIANO: It could be.
HAYLEY: We don't do the whole gender segregation thing here.
ADRIANO: Yeah, everybody sleeps with everybody.
ME: Fantastic.

Someone walked into the bathroom.

ME: Oh good, another guy.
DOUG: Hayley, stop hanging out in the men's room!
HAYLEY: Oh please, like I haven't seen--
ME: HEY!

Everybody turned to look at me. I've already screamed more times here than I did in two years at OSC.

ME: I'm not sure I can...go...with all of you here.
DOUG: Sorry, we'll clear out.
ADRIANO: You went to OSC?
ME: Yeah.
ADRIANO: Do you still talk to people there?
ME: Yeah, my boyfriend still goes there.
HAYLEY: Oh my God! Tell them Hayley and Antonio say hi.
ME: Have I met Antonio?
DOUG: It's Adriano's pseudonym.
ME: Wait, what?
DOUG: You don't want to know.

Everyone cleared out, but once I was done and washing my hands, I heard a voice from behind me.

VOICE: You can't stay here.

I turned around.

ME: I wasn't planning on staying. I was just washing my hands.
RANDOM GUY: I'm Jeff.
ME: Okay.
RANDOM GUY/JEFF: You have to get out of here. People are going to target you.
ME: Target me for what?
JEFF: I can't protect you. I'm next.
ME: Next for what? Is there some sort of hazing ritual I have to go through? Because I like the one where you crawl through guys' legs and--

The door to the bathroom opened.

VALERIE: There you are, Jeff!
JEFF: Oh God.
ALEX: You naughty boy.
VALERIE: Nathan, this is my boyfriend, Alex.
ALEX: Pleasure to meet you, Nathan. I hope Jeff hasn't been scaring you with his crazy drugged up nonsense talk.

Alex threw back his head and laughed.

I've never seen anyone actually do that.

JEFF: Excuse me, I have to go.

He tried walking by Alex and Valerie but they each grabbed one arm and spun him around.

VALERIE: But Jeff, we have a study session planned.
JEFF: No, we don't!
ALEX: There's that silly la la talk rearing its ugly head again.

He whispered something in Jeff's ear, and Jeff's eyes went wide.

JEFF: No, please--
VALERIE: We'll see you around, Nathan!

They left, and the door shut behind them.

...Okay, so maybe this isn't the freshest start after all.