A Casting Call

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

BEN: I'm here to audition.

I didn't see this coming.

ME: Paige, you didn't tell me Ben was auditioning.
PAIGE: I thought it would be more fun to see your face when he walked in--and it was.
ME: Can you wait outside, please?
PAIGE: Are you two going to fight?
ME: No, I'm going to ask him to replace you as my stage manager.
PAIGE: Hahaha--you're kidding, right?
ME: Out--now.

I had rented a rehearsal/performance space in an arts village on the outskirts of Providence. I had meant to do it over the summer at OSC, but things got too hectic.

That turned out to be a blessing since now the whole thing seemed so...professional.

Now that it was clear my production of "Angels in America" was really going to happen, all sorts of people seemed to be coming out of the woodwork.

Case in point, the people auditioning for me today--

HANK: Hi, my name is Hank.
ME: Hank, I know who you are.
HANK: I'm trying to be professional, Jeremy!
ME: Okay, sorry. I respect that. What role are you auditioning for?
HANK: I have to audition? I thought you were just giving me something.
ME: Um...

. . . . .

CARTER: Hi, my name is Carter. I'm black.
ME: Carter, I know you're black.
CARTER: I just thought it was worth mentioning.
ME: You thought it was worth mentioning because there's a black character in the show and you're assuming that you're the only black guy auditioning?
CARTER: Jeremeeeee, I don't need to rely on the race card just to get a role.
ME: I'm sorry. I shouldn't have suggested otherwise.
CARTER: No other black guy showed up though, right?

. . . . .

HANK: Are you not going to give me a role because I broke up with your brother?
ME: Actually, that would probably help your chances of getting a role.

. . . . .

DAVIS: Hey.
ME: Davis? You're auditioning?
DAVIS: Absolutely not. I was just wondering how long you're going to be here. I want to go out tonight and Travis' is seizing a corporation in Japan.
ME: It might be a pretty late night.
DAVIS: Why? Having a hard time finding someone to play the Team Captain?
ME: Davis, are you thinking of "Angels in the Outfield?"
DAVIS: What else would I be thinking of?
ME: "Angels in"--yeah, never mind.

. . . . .

CARTER: So I can't play Beleeeze?
ME: I'll let you play Beleeze if you can explain the underlying themes of the play.
CARTER: Um...all gays go to Heaven?
ME: Don't call us, and we'll do the same.
CARTER: Us? But there's only one of you.
ME: NEXT!

. . . . .

Now Ben was standing in front of me.

Considering our mistake aka relationship ended when he suggested that I wasn't fit to play a role in "Angels in America," I was more than a little surprised to see him show up at the auditions.

ME: Here to remind me that I don't belong playing Joe?
BEN: Yes.
ME: Are you kidding me?
BEN: Look, Jeremy, you'd make a great Louis, but you're not a Joe.
ME: Luckily there's this thing called acting--
BEN: Jeremy--
ME: And I thought you wanted to be Louis.
BEN: Now, I think I should be Joe.
ME: Shocker.

He walked behind the table I was sitting at and took Paige's chair.

ME: You have walked behind the table, sir. Totally unprofessional.
BEN: I want to play Joe. I understand him.
ME: Then you can audition like everybody else.
BEN: Fine, I will, but you know I'd be great in that role.
ME: Even if you were, I'm not right for Louis.
BEN: Intelligent, talks a lot, bails on his lover--
ME: What lover have I ever bailed on?
BEN: Okay, so maybe that aspect is more like me--

I got up from the table.

ME: I'm taking a break.
BEN: Let me read for Joe.
ME: You really think we can work together?
BEN: Yes, I do. I think we'd work great together.
ME: You realize that we'd have to kiss?
BEN: Unless Billy's playing Prior, I don't see how that'd be a problem.

Silence.

BEN: Shut the--
ME: He did a good reading of it.
BEN: He'd be a TERRIBLE Prior!
ME: Criticize it after you see it--from the audience!
BEN: I'm reading for that role!
ME: Read for it then but YOU'RE NOT GETTING IT!
BEN: FAIR ENOUGH!

So he read for it. Then he left.

Paige came back with her clipboard.

PAIGE: I heard you two screaming. What happened?
ME: I just found my Joe.

Wait until I have to tell my boyfriend, that his boyfriend is playing his ex-boyfriend who leaves him for his ex-boyfriend.

That shouldn't be too complicated.

The Switch

Hi, my name is Adam.

JOEY: Oh, hey.
ME: Hey.

I'm about to switch things up.

Ritchie hadn't called me since I spent the night at his apartment, and to me, that meant I was free to move in on his roommate.

PAIGE: Adam, Ritchie doesn't have a roommate.

I'd already discussed my plan with Paige over lunch at the dining hall.

ME: Yeah, he does. Some guy was there when I stayed over.
PAIGE: Ooooh, maybe he has a secret boyfriend.
ME: A secret boyfriend who wouldn't be upset that we were in the shower together?
PAIGE: I should post this on the blog.
ME: Are you still writing that stupid Wilde--

She clamped her hand down over my mouth.

PAIGE: Nobody is supposed to know about that!

I moved her hand away.

ME: What was that post about somebody dead coming back to life?
PAIGE: Oh, that was just about Davis. He's going to get back into club promoting apparently.
ME: I kinda want to make out with this Davis guy. He seems unattainable.
PAIGE: Apparently he's dating a total crazy.
ME: I'll wait it out.

In the meantime, I had to figure out how to get in Ritchie's shower--this time with Joey.

JOEY: If you're looking for Ritchie--
ME: He's watching a movie with Jeremy, I know. I, uh--

-- A Half Hour Earlier --

JEREMY: Adam, you're welcome to stay and watch the movie with us when Ritchie gets here.
BILLY: Yeah, you were the one that suggested a movie night.
ME: No thanks. I forgot I have a lot of studying to do.

-- A Half Hour Later --

ME: --I saw it on his Facebook.
JOEY: So what did you come over for then?
ME: I just...wanted to...make a new friend.

I could see he wasn't buying it.

I tried another tact.

ME: How come none of Ritchie's friends have ever mentioned you?
JOEY: Uh, what do you mean?
ME: Jeremy, Billy, Jackson--none of them have ever brought you up. Do they not know that you and Ritchie are living together?
JOEY: No, actually, they don't. So if you could keep that to yourself, that would be great.
ME: Yeah, sure.

He smiled. For some reason, he looked really relieved. Maybe he and Ritchie were secret boyfriends with some weird open sex policy.

ME: I guess I can go now.
JOEY: Well...you don't have to go right away.
ME: You sure?
JOEY: Yeah, I don't get to hang out with people too much. I'm always really...tired. Dead tired.
ME: Oh.
JOEY: But if you have studying to do or something--
ME: No, it's cool. I can hang out.

Twenty minutes later, I was back in the shower.

I guess it's my sweet spot.

A Dream Come True

Hi, my name is Hank.

JOAN: Hello darling.

This is why you always need to carry holy water on you.

Joan, my boyfriend's mother/live-in-dark force, had decided to pop by my apartment.

ME: Hello Joan, can I help you?
JOAN: I brought you a little present.

She walked over to my television, and popped something into the DVD player.

JOAN: Recognize this?

'Silent Hearts' began--one of the best movies ever.

ME: Yes, Joan, but I'm really not in the mood for a movie night.
JOAN: I just wanted to make sure you're familiar with Mr. Shaw.
ME: Devon Shaw? Yes, I'm very familiar. He's a movie star, Joan.
JOAN: More like a television star who dabbles in movies.
ME: Okay, sure. Now, if you don't mind--
JOAN: How would you like to have sex with him?

Okay, the bitch officially bit through her leash.

ME: Joan, do I need to call someone? Someone with meds perhaps?
JOAN: It just so happens the Shaw's are dear family friends. Devon is in town shooting a movie. Maybe you've heard?

Actually, I did hear, but I wasn't buying any of this.

ME: Joan, you don't actually expect me to believe--
JOAN: Leave Jackson, and you can have Devon for a night.
ME: That's insane.
JOAN: Hank, it's every gay boy's dream. Devon is the most high-profile out guy in Hollywood.

Somebody's been reading the Advocate.

Knock, Knock.

Joan smiled and went to the door.

She opened it--and there he was.

DEVON: Hey Joan, this is where you wanted to meet, right?

I felt my heart turn into pudding.

Devon Shaw was standing in my apartment.

JOAN: You know, Devon, I can't tell if I feel like going out or not. Maybe you and Hank should just go out.

She came up to me, and kissed the side of my face playfully.

That was when she whispered--

JOAN: Call Jackson or I'm going to end this dream date.
ME: Excuse me for a minute.

I ran into my bedroom. I didn't want to do this to Jackson, but it's not like we had some great love going anyway, and--

JACKSON: Hi, it's Jackson. Leave a message.
ME: Jackson. We're over. Sorry.

Click.

JACKSON: Hi, it's Jackson. Leave a message.
ME: Me again. That was Hank. Breaking up with you. Sorry. Bye!

I came back into the living room.

DEVON: We ready to go?
JOAN: I don't know, Hank, are we?
ME: Actually Joan, I think you should go home. You might need to console your son. I heard he got some bad news.

Joan smiled.

I may have just made a deal with the devil, but it was one good-looking deal.

Don't Fall in Love with a Ghost

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

JOEY: Hey Ritchie.

You know, at first it was a little annoying not to be living alone anymore.

JOEY: I made dinner.

But my roommate has sort of--

ME: Oh, you're so sweet.

--Grown on me.

JOEY: So what did you do tonight?
ME: Slept with Carter again.
JOEY: How was that?
ME: Eh, my heart's not really in it anymore.
JOEY: That's because you love a challenge.
ME: Please, Carter was never a challenge. Carter wasn't even a word jumble.

We sat down for dinner. Joey even lit a few candles.

ME: So are we ever going to tell people that you're alive?
JOEY: I'm just waiting for the right time.
ME: I guess we could always wait until Easter.

Joey's eyes got a little teary.

ME: Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get you upset.
JOEY: It would just be a lot easier to do it if I had someone with me.
ME: You do. You have me.
JOEY: That's sweet, Ritchie.

He leaned across the table and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

JOEY: I forgot to bring out the bread.

The bread was what sold me.

I was falling in love with my dead roommate.

Isn't this when Grey's Anatomy jumped the shark?

The Letter from New York

Hi, my name is Billy.

WILDE BLOG: Looks like one of our CBQ's may be defecting to the Big A.

My boyfriend may be leaving me.

WILDE BLOG: The Wilde Blog has obtained a letter from a prestigious theater company in New York offering one of the nicest kids in town a chance to head to the big city.

I knew this wouldn't last.

Jeremy got a letter from New York asking him to come be the literary intern at Present Company, an Off-Broadway theater.

Luckily, I intercepted the letter before he could see it.

I was sitting in his room reading it when he showed up.

JEREMY: Hey mister.
ME: Hey.
JEREMY: Didn't you have class?
ME: It got cancelled.
JEREMY: Great. If you give me a second to change, we can have lunch.
ME: Sounds good.

He started to grab a change of clothes from his closet.

ME: Hey--do you ever miss New York?
JEREMY: That's a funny question.
ME: I was just wondering.
JEREMY: Well, it was exciting, but...
ME: But?

He turned to me, kissed me, and said--

JEREMY: It didn't have you.

Relief washed over me.

ME: So if you got the chance to go back, you wouldn't?

He looked a little confused.

JEREMY: I don't know. I guess it would depend on why I'd be going back.
ME: What if it was a really great opportunity to work at a great theater...or something?

A second went by, then--

JEREMY: I guess then I'd have to go.
ME: But what about us?
JEREMY: This is all hypothetical anyway.
ME: Yeah, but I don't like knowing that you would bail on me for--
JEREMY: Were you bailing on me when you went to Florida?
ME: That was different.
JEREMY: How was it different?

He was right.

ME: You're right. I'm sorry.
JEREMY: It's okay. I understand you being worried about me hanging around, but trust me, I'm not going anywhere. Random great job offers don't happen that often.

Jeremy left the room to go grab another sweater from Jackson's room.

That was when I tore up the letter, and shoved it into my pocket.

Great offers don't come along everyday, but neither do great boyfriends.

I wasn't about to let Jeremy go just yet.

Rehab

Hi, my name is Nathan.

JEREMY: Surprise.

There should be a word for a surprise that you don't want.

ME: Are you selling encyclopedia?
JEREMY: Um, no.
ME: Then why are you here?

If it wasn't for the fact that I dislike Jeremy due to past history and Ben, my nominal boyfriend, being in love with him--I actually wouldn't mind the company.

It was a Saturday night and Ben was out at a movie with some girlfriends.

I was going a little stir crazy, but when you're pretending to be disabled, you can't really hit the town and dance your ass off like you used to in the good old days of a few months ago.

...Yes, I've been drinking...

JEREMY: Can I come in?
ME: I'd rather you threw yourself out a window.
JEREMY: Nathan, I know we haven't always been friends--
ME: We've never been friends.
JEREMY: Fine, never, we've NEVER been friends. That being said, I want to help you.
ME: Help?
JEREMY: Ben said you're having trouble getting a physical therapist you like.

It's more like I can't find a physical therapist I can bribe.

ME: Yeah, and?
JEREMY: I used to have to do physical therapy with my Dad before he died.
ME: I didn't know your Dad was dead.
JEREMY: I don't really like to talk about it.

I didn't know what to do. I couldn't let Jeremy help, but--

JEREMY: So let's get started.
ME: Now?
JEREMY: Yeah, why not?
ME: Um...I...Jeremy, it's pointless. I'm not going to walk again.

That's good. Go with despair.

JEREMY: Ben said your doctors said that you could regain feeling in your legs with some hard work.
ME: Yeah, I mean, if you want to talk about miracles--

Jeremy got down on his knees and looked me right in the eyes.

JEREMY: Nathan, I think we've been mean to each other for too long. I think we've all been awful, including me. Now here you are, and you need a friend. Why don't we let this be an opportunity to patch things up?
ME: Or you could just get me drunk.

Jeremy laughed.

JEREMY: Tell you what. Do some exercises with me, and then I'll take you out somewhere. I know all the best handicapped accessible restaurants, and the night is still young.

The offer was too good to pass up.

ME: Fine, but just don't be fooled if my legs feel like they're in good shape.
JEREMY: I promise, I won't push you. We'll go at your pace. Only do what you can do.

Right now all I wanted to do was run.

But admittedly, it was a little bit nice not to be alone.

Leave It to Ritchie

Hi, my name is Carter.

RITCHIE: Carter! What are you doing home?

My friend Ritchie just betrayed me.

LIAM: It's not what it looks like.

Thank God.

I came home to find Ritchie and Liam half-naked on my couch making out.

RITCHIE: I just came over to give you that sheet music you wanted, and Liam let me in.
LIAM: He's wearing cologne. You know cologne makes me make out with people!

I think this is what they mean when they say blessing in disguise.

ME: Liam, you have to leave.
LIAM: Carter, please--
ME: You're a cheater. I can't live with a cheater.
RITCHIE: Yeah, for him, it's like having another mirror in the house.
ME: Shut up, Ritchie!

Liam put his shirt on and slapped me across the face.

ME: Ow! What was that for? You're the one that was making out with my friend!
LIAM: That's for not being sexually liberated.

He walked out.

I started to giggle.

RITCHIE: How did I do?
ME: Oh my God! So good.
RITCHIE: I can't believe you made me kiss that little moron.
ME: It was the only way I could get him out!
RITCHIE: Now I believe we come to your part of the agreement.
ME: You want to right now?
RITCHIE: Why not? I'm already undressed.

I took off my pants.

Only single for five seconds, and already I was back to sleeping around...

It feels good to be home.