Hi, my name is Jeremy.
JACKSON: I don't see what the big deal is.
He's saying this as reporters are camped outside our apartment.
ME: You don't see how telling the press that Billy had an affair with Bart would be a big deal?
JACKSON: I assumed they'd be outside Billy's apartment, not ours.
ME: They want our opinion on the whole mess.
JACKSON: So give it to them. Tell them Billy's an ass.
ME: Yeah, I'm sure that'll look great on the front cover of a newspaper.
Leave it to my brother to stir up a s**tshow.
VOICE: I just love papparazzi in the morning!
Our mother was lapping this all up.
ME: Mom, please, don't encourage--any of this.
JOAN: You're no fun, sweetie.
JACKSON: At least she didn't give one of them her number like Paige did.
ME: What could have possessed you to do this?
Jackson put down his magazine and stared right at me.
JACKSON: They were asking about Dad.
I think I could feel the blood draining from my face.
ME: What?
JACKSON: The reporter. He wanted to know why you never write about Dad.
ME: What did you say to him?
JACKSON: I said, 'Billy and Bart were having an affair. Go ahead, boy, fetch!' And it worked. You're welcome.
I forget that despite his methods, Jackson usually does have good intentions where the family is concerned.
ME: What if they ask again? We're running out of scandals.
JOAN: Maybe we'll need to make some more then.
ME: Mom, that's not funny.
JOAN: Darling, when sharks smell blood in the water, all you can do to save yourself is cut up someone else to feed to them.
JACKSON: So that's how your honeymoon cruise went.
Mom smiled.
And when she smiles, I get nervous.
Really nervous.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Everybody Asks Questions
Hi, my name is Jackson.
VOICE: Jeremy?
Here we go.
I was sitting at a coffee shop trying to decompress with my extra-caffeinated espresso when what was obviously a reporter tapped me on the shoulder.
ME: Actually, I'm Jackson.
That used to disappoint a few and send them walking away, but the really bright ones realize that a twin brother may have just as many juicy stories as the man himself.
REPORTER: Great. I'd love to talk to you!
This guy was a bright one.
Lucky for me.
ME: Look, let me save you some time. Jeremy is a terrible brother. Our mother drank. Our sister is a transvestite, and I was beaten on a daily basis by a next-door neighbor named Claude. Does that give you enough to work with?
I was already back to my copy of Details when he said--
REPORTER: And what about your father?
Even the brightest of reporters rarely bring up the "D" word. Maybe they sense that it's a sore subject. Little do they know.
I turned around with my best smile laid out across my face. If I were dealing with a gay man or a woman, this is where charm would come in handy, but whoever sent this guy was smart enough to send a straightie.
That meant a different tactic.
ME: Our father died in a hunting accident.
REPORTER: What was he hunting?
ME: Christian scientists. He was a very sick man.
REPORTER: Is there a reason your brother's never written about him?
ME: You'd have to ask my brother.
REPORTER: Did your father and your brother have a good relationship?
If anyone asks, he disappeared. Okay? That's the story.
ME: They were very close.
Until the untimely...
REPORTER: You don't think it's odd that someone who writes about everything would refrain from writing about one of their parents?
ME: Oh, I think it's very odd, but then again, I think everything that goes on in this city is pretty damn odd.
I stood up to go.
REPORTER: I actually had a few more questions.
ME: Refer them to my publicist.
REPORTER: You have a publicist?
ME: No, but when I get one, I'll let you know.
Then, just because every once in awhile you have to throw them a little something...
ME: By the way, did you know Bart and Billy, two of the original CBQ's, were having an affair right before Bart went nuts.
REPORTER: Is that a fact?
ME: Do you care?
One more smile, and then I was off.
That should keep the press away from our Daddy issues.
At least, for now.
VOICE: Jeremy?
Here we go.
I was sitting at a coffee shop trying to decompress with my extra-caffeinated espresso when what was obviously a reporter tapped me on the shoulder.
ME: Actually, I'm Jackson.
That used to disappoint a few and send them walking away, but the really bright ones realize that a twin brother may have just as many juicy stories as the man himself.
REPORTER: Great. I'd love to talk to you!
This guy was a bright one.
Lucky for me.
ME: Look, let me save you some time. Jeremy is a terrible brother. Our mother drank. Our sister is a transvestite, and I was beaten on a daily basis by a next-door neighbor named Claude. Does that give you enough to work with?
I was already back to my copy of Details when he said--
REPORTER: And what about your father?
Even the brightest of reporters rarely bring up the "D" word. Maybe they sense that it's a sore subject. Little do they know.
I turned around with my best smile laid out across my face. If I were dealing with a gay man or a woman, this is where charm would come in handy, but whoever sent this guy was smart enough to send a straightie.
That meant a different tactic.
ME: Our father died in a hunting accident.
REPORTER: What was he hunting?
ME: Christian scientists. He was a very sick man.
REPORTER: Is there a reason your brother's never written about him?
ME: You'd have to ask my brother.
REPORTER: Did your father and your brother have a good relationship?
If anyone asks, he disappeared. Okay? That's the story.
ME: They were very close.
Until the untimely...
REPORTER: You don't think it's odd that someone who writes about everything would refrain from writing about one of their parents?
ME: Oh, I think it's very odd, but then again, I think everything that goes on in this city is pretty damn odd.
I stood up to go.
REPORTER: I actually had a few more questions.
ME: Refer them to my publicist.
REPORTER: You have a publicist?
ME: No, but when I get one, I'll let you know.
Then, just because every once in awhile you have to throw them a little something...
ME: By the way, did you know Bart and Billy, two of the original CBQ's, were having an affair right before Bart went nuts.
REPORTER: Is that a fact?
ME: Do you care?
One more smile, and then I was off.
That should keep the press away from our Daddy issues.
At least, for now.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Someone's Always in a Coma
Hi, my name is Hank.
ME: Explosives. Somebody's really stepping it up.
We were all at the hospital visiting Ritchie, who was currently in a coma after someone tried to kill him.
JOEY: Hank, are you worried?
ME: Worried about what?
JOEY: You and Ritchie were sleeping together.
ME: So?
JOEY: It's been my experience that the people you're sleeping with often try to kill you.
JACKSON: I only try to kill people who stop sleeping with me.
DAVIS, ME, ADAM: Truth.
The police were still investigating but it seemed reasonable to believe that one of the CBQ's was responsible for the bomb.
NATHAN: Clearly, this was Billy's doing.
JEREMY: We don't know that.
JOEY: I don't know. He seemed pretty angry at the restaurant.
ME: He didn't want Ritchie going on the air and talking about his dirty little affair with Bart.
JEREMY: Billy's not capable of murdering someone.
ME: Isn't that what people always say about murderers?
Once I started looking around the room, I realized that most of the people in it were probably capable of murder.
Five years ago, we were all just catty little bitches, but lately some of us had gone off the deep end.
Admittedly, myself included.
DAVIS: Once Ritchie wakes up, we'll find out who did this.
ADAM: How do you know he knows who did it?
ME: How do you know he's going to wake up?
Everyone looked at me.
ME: What?
It's an honest question.
ME: Explosives. Somebody's really stepping it up.
We were all at the hospital visiting Ritchie, who was currently in a coma after someone tried to kill him.
JOEY: Hank, are you worried?
ME: Worried about what?
JOEY: You and Ritchie were sleeping together.
ME: So?
JOEY: It's been my experience that the people you're sleeping with often try to kill you.
JACKSON: I only try to kill people who stop sleeping with me.
DAVIS, ME, ADAM: Truth.
The police were still investigating but it seemed reasonable to believe that one of the CBQ's was responsible for the bomb.
NATHAN: Clearly, this was Billy's doing.
JEREMY: We don't know that.
JOEY: I don't know. He seemed pretty angry at the restaurant.
ME: He didn't want Ritchie going on the air and talking about his dirty little affair with Bart.
JEREMY: Billy's not capable of murdering someone.
ME: Isn't that what people always say about murderers?
Once I started looking around the room, I realized that most of the people in it were probably capable of murder.
Five years ago, we were all just catty little bitches, but lately some of us had gone off the deep end.
Admittedly, myself included.
DAVIS: Once Ritchie wakes up, we'll find out who did this.
ADAM: How do you know he knows who did it?
ME: How do you know he's going to wake up?
Everyone looked at me.
ME: What?
It's an honest question.
Now Where Did I Park?
Hi, my name is Ritchie.
BILLY: Okay, we can talk about it on-air, but only if you promise--
This was going to be it.
The push I finally needed in the ratings to get me to that next level.
That Oprah-Ellen-Springer level that only the truly legendary attain.
Billy and I set out some ground rules, and some albeit unusual conditions, and then I was done for the day and ready to go soak in my kidney-shaped jacuzzi.
On my way to my car in the parking garage, I got the distinct feeling that somebody was following me.
It couldn't be Billy. I saw him pull away as I was leaving the building.
So who--
I heard footsteps.
I started to run.
My car was on the third level. If I could just make it there or run into somebody, anybody, I'd be fine.
The footsteps behind me stopped.
I turned around.
Nobody.
I went up a flight, and there was my car.
No scratches, no air let out of the tires.
Fame was making me paranoid.
I hit the "Unlock" button on my keychain.
And that was when the car exploded--
--And I got thrown into the air wondering if anything like this ever happened to Jerry.
BILLY: Okay, we can talk about it on-air, but only if you promise--
This was going to be it.
The push I finally needed in the ratings to get me to that next level.
That Oprah-Ellen-Springer level that only the truly legendary attain.
Billy and I set out some ground rules, and some albeit unusual conditions, and then I was done for the day and ready to go soak in my kidney-shaped jacuzzi.
On my way to my car in the parking garage, I got the distinct feeling that somebody was following me.
It couldn't be Billy. I saw him pull away as I was leaving the building.
So who--
I heard footsteps.
I started to run.
My car was on the third level. If I could just make it there or run into somebody, anybody, I'd be fine.
The footsteps behind me stopped.
I turned around.
Nobody.
I went up a flight, and there was my car.
No scratches, no air let out of the tires.
Fame was making me paranoid.
I hit the "Unlock" button on my keychain.
And that was when the car exploded--
--And I got thrown into the air wondering if anything like this ever happened to Jerry.
An Affair to Forget
Hi, my name is Billy.
RITCHIE: If you're here to kill me, I should let you know that I have a security guard waiting right outside the door.
ME: I gave him twenty bucks, and he said he'd be back in an hour.
RITCHIE: You know, it's getting harder and harder to find good help.
I shut the door to Ritchie's office.
ME: Did Bart tell you that he and I were having an affair?
RITCHIE: Not in so many words--
ME: RITCHIE!
RITCHIE: FINE! Yes! He did.
I sat down in front of his desk.
ME: And you were going to pay him for the details?
RITCHIE: It's nothing personal, Billy. It's just that your character on CBQ is so pious and judgmental. Hearing about how you went straight only to carry on an affair with a convicted felon was just too good to pass up.
ME: We weren't actually having an affair.
RITCHIE: Then what was going on?
You're going to get me to Jeremy. Do you understand me, Billy?
ME: It's complicated.
RITCHIE: You say complicated and I hear 'ratings gold.'
ME: None of this is getting on the air or on the record.
RITCHIE: Then why are you here?
ME: I need to know what Bart told you.
RITCHIE: He didn't tell me anything. He didn't have a chance to. He decided to go crazy first.
ME: He was always crazy.
I got up to leave, and that's when Ritchie said--
RITCHIE: Is the kid yours?
Apparently Bart had done some talking after all.
RITCHIE: If you're here to kill me, I should let you know that I have a security guard waiting right outside the door.
ME: I gave him twenty bucks, and he said he'd be back in an hour.
RITCHIE: You know, it's getting harder and harder to find good help.
I shut the door to Ritchie's office.
ME: Did Bart tell you that he and I were having an affair?
RITCHIE: Not in so many words--
ME: RITCHIE!
RITCHIE: FINE! Yes! He did.
I sat down in front of his desk.
ME: And you were going to pay him for the details?
RITCHIE: It's nothing personal, Billy. It's just that your character on CBQ is so pious and judgmental. Hearing about how you went straight only to carry on an affair with a convicted felon was just too good to pass up.
ME: We weren't actually having an affair.
RITCHIE: Then what was going on?
You're going to get me to Jeremy. Do you understand me, Billy?
ME: It's complicated.
RITCHIE: You say complicated and I hear 'ratings gold.'
ME: None of this is getting on the air or on the record.
RITCHIE: Then why are you here?
ME: I need to know what Bart told you.
RITCHIE: He didn't tell me anything. He didn't have a chance to. He decided to go crazy first.
ME: He was always crazy.
I got up to leave, and that's when Ritchie said--
RITCHIE: Is the kid yours?
Apparently Bart had done some talking after all.
Hot Potato
Hi, my name is Nathan.
JEREMY: It's Billy.
Great. More news from the front.
Jeremy showed up at my house uninvited all atwitter because Joey got Billy riled up about his alleged affair with Bart.
Meanwhile, I had bigger issues on my hands.
ME: They let Ben out of jail.
JEREMY: What? That's great! When did this happen?
ME: Today. He cut a deal.
JEREMY: Is it because they heard about Billy and the check and Ritchie--
ME: It's because he sold me out.
JEREMY: He--wait, what?
I got the phone call letting me know that my husband was released but I was now under investigation. Apparently Ben knew something, and whatever he knew, he told to Paul, that miserable hostage negotiator-turned-investigator.
JEREMY: What could Ben have told Paul about you?
ME: I don't know! That I'm a bad cook?
JEREMY: Nathan, this is serious. You need to talk to Ben.
ME: I can't. He's disappeared.
JEREMY: Disappeared?
ME: Or they're hiding him from me.
JEREMY: This is getting really out of hand.
ME: Jeremy, somebody's already been jailed and now they're coming after me. I'd say this got out of hand a long time ago.
I sat down on my couch wondering whether or not I should just skip town.
Jeremy sat next to me and put his hand on my hand.
I forgot how comforting he can be when I don't have a husband that's in love with him.
JEREMY: It's going to be okay, Nathan.
My head was on his shoulder, and then my lips were up against his neck...
JEREMY: Nathan--
ME: Sshh...
We fell back down onto the couch, and before I knew it, I wasn't thinking about leaving.
The complete opposite of that, in fact.
JEREMY: It's Billy.
Great. More news from the front.
Jeremy showed up at my house uninvited all atwitter because Joey got Billy riled up about his alleged affair with Bart.
Meanwhile, I had bigger issues on my hands.
ME: They let Ben out of jail.
JEREMY: What? That's great! When did this happen?
ME: Today. He cut a deal.
JEREMY: Is it because they heard about Billy and the check and Ritchie--
ME: It's because he sold me out.
JEREMY: He--wait, what?
I got the phone call letting me know that my husband was released but I was now under investigation. Apparently Ben knew something, and whatever he knew, he told to Paul, that miserable hostage negotiator-turned-investigator.
JEREMY: What could Ben have told Paul about you?
ME: I don't know! That I'm a bad cook?
JEREMY: Nathan, this is serious. You need to talk to Ben.
ME: I can't. He's disappeared.
JEREMY: Disappeared?
ME: Or they're hiding him from me.
JEREMY: This is getting really out of hand.
ME: Jeremy, somebody's already been jailed and now they're coming after me. I'd say this got out of hand a long time ago.
I sat down on my couch wondering whether or not I should just skip town.
Jeremy sat next to me and put his hand on my hand.
I forgot how comforting he can be when I don't have a husband that's in love with him.
JEREMY: It's going to be okay, Nathan.
My head was on his shoulder, and then my lips were up against his neck...
JEREMY: Nathan--
ME: Sshh...
We fell back down onto the couch, and before I knew it, I wasn't thinking about leaving.
The complete opposite of that, in fact.
I Want to See the Light
Hi, my name is Joey.
ME: Can I be straight now?
Adam said I have to do this if I want to keep free-loading off him.
Those are his harsh words of hate, not mine.
BILLY: Joey, you want to be straight?
ME: Yeah, like you. Minus the left-at-the-altar thing though. And I'd like to keep my tan.
I had Billy meet me at a restaurant downtown. Jeremy and Adam told me I had to pump him for information. They wouldn't let me do it the fun way, so this was my Plan B.
BILLY: I'm really surprised by this.
ME: Why? I've dated girls before.
BILLY: When?
ME: Eighth grade. One even taught me how to trim my eyebrows.
BILLY: That's--okay, I don't know where to begin.
Time to pump.
ME: Did you ever sleep with any a guy again after you decided you were straight?
BILLY: That's a really personal question.
ME: So that's a 'Yes?'
BILLY: Joey--
ME: Just because I'm worried I might sleep with someone. Like, someone crazy. Like, someone who might end up going really nuts and doing something insane. And then maybe I'd feel bad about the fact that I did stuff with them and--
BILLY: Joey, are you trying to ask me something?
ME: Yes, uh, I mean--
Whenever I'm nervous, I usually take my pants off, but that didn't seem like it would work here so--
ME: Did you and Bart sleep together?
Billy's face got even whiter--I really should refer him to my tanning salon.
Then he grabbed my hand from across the table.
ME: Ow!
BILLY: Who told you that?
ME: Billy--
BILLY: What happened with me and Bart is nobody's business.
ME: It kinda is since he, like, tried to kill us and stuff.
BILLY: How did you--
ME: Bart told Ritchie and Ritchie was going to do a show about it.
BILLY: Are you kidding?
ME: I don't know which part of any of that is supposed to be funny.
Billy got up and started walking away.
ME: Where are you going?
He turned around, picked up a knife, and brought it up to my face.
BILLY: Do me a favor. Tell whichever bitch sent you here that I done talking to any of you for the rest of my life. Got it?
I nodded.
Billy dropped the knife and walked away.
I don't like to assume anything, but I think he may have something to hide.
ME: Can I be straight now?
Adam said I have to do this if I want to keep free-loading off him.
Those are his harsh words of hate, not mine.
BILLY: Joey, you want to be straight?
ME: Yeah, like you. Minus the left-at-the-altar thing though. And I'd like to keep my tan.
I had Billy meet me at a restaurant downtown. Jeremy and Adam told me I had to pump him for information. They wouldn't let me do it the fun way, so this was my Plan B.
BILLY: I'm really surprised by this.
ME: Why? I've dated girls before.
BILLY: When?
ME: Eighth grade. One even taught me how to trim my eyebrows.
BILLY: That's--okay, I don't know where to begin.
Time to pump.
ME: Did you ever sleep with any a guy again after you decided you were straight?
BILLY: That's a really personal question.
ME: So that's a 'Yes?'
BILLY: Joey--
ME: Just because I'm worried I might sleep with someone. Like, someone crazy. Like, someone who might end up going really nuts and doing something insane. And then maybe I'd feel bad about the fact that I did stuff with them and--
BILLY: Joey, are you trying to ask me something?
ME: Yes, uh, I mean--
Whenever I'm nervous, I usually take my pants off, but that didn't seem like it would work here so--
ME: Did you and Bart sleep together?
Billy's face got even whiter--I really should refer him to my tanning salon.
Then he grabbed my hand from across the table.
ME: Ow!
BILLY: Who told you that?
ME: Billy--
BILLY: What happened with me and Bart is nobody's business.
ME: It kinda is since he, like, tried to kill us and stuff.
BILLY: How did you--
ME: Bart told Ritchie and Ritchie was going to do a show about it.
BILLY: Are you kidding?
ME: I don't know which part of any of that is supposed to be funny.
Billy got up and started walking away.
ME: Where are you going?
He turned around, picked up a knife, and brought it up to my face.
BILLY: Do me a favor. Tell whichever bitch sent you here that I done talking to any of you for the rest of my life. Got it?
I nodded.
Billy dropped the knife and walked away.
I don't like to assume anything, but I think he may have something to hide.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
There's No Going Back
Hi, my name is Adam.
JOEY: What would you think about us getting married?
Haven't we been through this before?
ME: Joey, we're not even dating. You're just staying here until you can get your own place. This isn't even a permanent set-up for me. You think I plan on living at the Westin forever?
JOEY: Why not? The lobby's so nice.
ME: Because eventually I'm going back to New York.
JOEY: Now you sound like Jeremy.
ME: The difference is, I belong in New York. Jeremy belongs here among you domestics.
I knew rescuing Joey from his sister wife life was going to end up coming back to kick me in the--
JOEY: Can we at least have sex?
ME: Normally, I'd say 'Yes' but I find you have a strange hold on me when sex is involved.
JOEY: I know, that was kind of the point.
ME: Do you have any internal monologue at all?
JOEY: You mean like for auditions?
Knock, knock.
ME: Hold that thought--or don't.
Jeremy decided to pop in for a visit.
JEREMY: How are we going to find out whether Billy actually had an affair with Bart?
ME: Why do we care?
JOEY: I hope it wasn't while Bart and I were dating.
ME: We don't even know if it's true. And even if it is, let Nathan figure it out. It's his husband that's in jail.
JEREMY: What about the truth? What about the fact that Bart tried to kill all of us and Billy might have had something to do with that?
ME: You used to love Billy. Do you really think he's capable of that?
JEREMY: I don't know. I don't any of these people anymore!
He motioned to Joey.
JOEY: Trust me, I haven't changed.
ME: Trust me, he hasn't.
Jeremy sat down on the edge of the bed.
JEREMY: Even Ben is guilty or Billy is. Either way, someone I used to care a lot about has become a very bad person. I want to know which one it is.
JOEY: Why? Are you going to try to get back with one of them?
From the look on Jeremy's face, I already knew the answer.
And I knew which one he wanted back.
JOEY: What would you think about us getting married?
Haven't we been through this before?
ME: Joey, we're not even dating. You're just staying here until you can get your own place. This isn't even a permanent set-up for me. You think I plan on living at the Westin forever?
JOEY: Why not? The lobby's so nice.
ME: Because eventually I'm going back to New York.
JOEY: Now you sound like Jeremy.
ME: The difference is, I belong in New York. Jeremy belongs here among you domestics.
I knew rescuing Joey from his sister wife life was going to end up coming back to kick me in the--
JOEY: Can we at least have sex?
ME: Normally, I'd say 'Yes' but I find you have a strange hold on me when sex is involved.
JOEY: I know, that was kind of the point.
ME: Do you have any internal monologue at all?
JOEY: You mean like for auditions?
Knock, knock.
ME: Hold that thought--or don't.
Jeremy decided to pop in for a visit.
JEREMY: How are we going to find out whether Billy actually had an affair with Bart?
ME: Why do we care?
JOEY: I hope it wasn't while Bart and I were dating.
ME: We don't even know if it's true. And even if it is, let Nathan figure it out. It's his husband that's in jail.
JEREMY: What about the truth? What about the fact that Bart tried to kill all of us and Billy might have had something to do with that?
ME: You used to love Billy. Do you really think he's capable of that?
JEREMY: I don't know. I don't any of these people anymore!
He motioned to Joey.
JOEY: Trust me, I haven't changed.
ME: Trust me, he hasn't.
Jeremy sat down on the edge of the bed.
JEREMY: Even Ben is guilty or Billy is. Either way, someone I used to care a lot about has become a very bad person. I want to know which one it is.
JOEY: Why? Are you going to try to get back with one of them?
From the look on Jeremy's face, I already knew the answer.
And I knew which one he wanted back.
Let's Make a Deal
Hi, my name is Ben.
PAUL: Have a seat, Ben.
I'm not the biggest fan of Paul, but anything that gets me out of the cell is fine by me.
ME: Paul, please, you have to get me out of here.
PAUL: Well, that's what I'm here to talk to you about.
ME: You finally figured out that I didn't know anything about what Bart was going to do? Because Nathan actually just found out that Billy--
PAUL: Nathan is what I'm here to talk to you about.
Uh oh.
I've learned, over time, that whenever anybody wants to talk to me about my husband, it's not because they're his biggest fan.
ME: What about Nathan?
PAUL: We think he may have been involved with Bart.
ME: So first you think I'm involved with Bart and now Nathan--
PAUL: We don't necessarily believe you were involved with Bart.
ME: Then why am I here?
PAUL: We thought that initially, but we've since believed that you may have been framed.
ME: Framed by who?
Silence.
ME: Nathan?
Is he saying my husband framed me?
PAUL: I'm saying your husband framed you.
Is that even--
Oh what am I saying?
I'm married to Nathan.
ME: Why am I still here if you think I've been framed?
PAUL: Because we don't know that for sure. You'd have to help us prove it.
ME: And how would I do that?
PAUL: Well, there's really only one way.
And then the drop--
PAUL: We need you to help us get Nathan.
They want to swap me for my husband.
PAUL: Have a seat, Ben.
I'm not the biggest fan of Paul, but anything that gets me out of the cell is fine by me.
ME: Paul, please, you have to get me out of here.
PAUL: Well, that's what I'm here to talk to you about.
ME: You finally figured out that I didn't know anything about what Bart was going to do? Because Nathan actually just found out that Billy--
PAUL: Nathan is what I'm here to talk to you about.
Uh oh.
I've learned, over time, that whenever anybody wants to talk to me about my husband, it's not because they're his biggest fan.
ME: What about Nathan?
PAUL: We think he may have been involved with Bart.
ME: So first you think I'm involved with Bart and now Nathan--
PAUL: We don't necessarily believe you were involved with Bart.
ME: Then why am I here?
PAUL: We thought that initially, but we've since believed that you may have been framed.
ME: Framed by who?
Silence.
ME: Nathan?
Is he saying my husband framed me?
PAUL: I'm saying your husband framed you.
Is that even--
Oh what am I saying?
I'm married to Nathan.
ME: Why am I still here if you think I've been framed?
PAUL: Because we don't know that for sure. You'd have to help us prove it.
ME: And how would I do that?
PAUL: Well, there's really only one way.
And then the drop--
PAUL: We need you to help us get Nathan.
They want to swap me for my husband.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Gay-ttractive
Hi, my name is Davis.
ME: Gay-ttractive isn't a word.
This is what happens during my advisory meetings.
LIAM: It will be.
ME: It won't be.
LIAM: It will be.
ME: Jeremy?
JEREMY: Not a chance.
ME: And he's a writer.
Jeremy and I were summoned to Liam's office so he could talk about the new "We <3 Prov" campaign.
LIAM: Everyone loves the CBQ's.
ME: Except us. How ironic.
LIAM: I want to make the ten of you the new faces of 'We <3 Prov.'
JEREMY: No way.
ME: I don't even like Providence.
JEREMY: You're the Mayor!
ME: It beats being a citizen.
Liam unrolled a poster with all our faces on it.
ME: It would be more realistic if we were all choking each other.
LIAM: That's the second poster.
JEREMY: I don't see the point of this.
LIAM: Who wouldn't want to live in the city with the ten of you?
JEREMY: Me for one thing.
ME: Yeah. Why are you still here?
Jeremy looked taken aback by the question.
ME: Not that I'm not glad, but--
LIAM: People love celebrities. That's why everyone lives in New York, L.A.--
ME: Twin Peaks.
JEREMY: That's not an actual place.
LIAM: We can make Providence a hotspot. People will flock here.
JEREMY: People aren't going to move somewhere just because their favorite tv characters live there. It's not like they're guaranteed to run into us. I barely go out anymore.
ME: I only leave the house in a limo. I haven't seen the public in years.
JEREMY: Again--you're the Mayor.
ME: It's not that I don't appreciate their votes. I just don't want to interact with them.
Liam cleared his throat.
LIAM: We need to change the way people see this city. That means all of you need to make yourselves more...
JEREMY: Cheap?
ME: Not possible.
JEREMY: You want us to walk around signing autographs like this is Disney World and we're the talking mice?
LIAM: Exactly.
JEREMY: This may get Davis reelected, and it may make Providence more gay-ttractive--
ME: Still not a thing.
JEREMY: But what do the rest of us get out of it?
At this, Liam leaned across his desk and looked Jeremy right in the eye.
LIAM: You get to be a hometown hero, and if you tell me that doesn't appeal to you at all, then I'm going to tell you that you're full of shit. This place means something to you, Jeremy. Maybe that's not the case with everyone else, but it is with you. You love it here. That's why you keep getting pulled back to Providence even though you keep telling everybody you want to leave. You're here for a reason, and maybe you will move on eventually, but for now you're here. So as long as you're here, you may as well make yourself useful.
I looked at Jeremy. He looked at me. Then he looked at the poster.
JEREMY: I should be the one farthest to the left.
I have to remember to give Liam a raise.
ME: Gay-ttractive isn't a word.
This is what happens during my advisory meetings.
LIAM: It will be.
ME: It won't be.
LIAM: It will be.
ME: Jeremy?
JEREMY: Not a chance.
ME: And he's a writer.
Jeremy and I were summoned to Liam's office so he could talk about the new "We <3 Prov" campaign.
LIAM: Everyone loves the CBQ's.
ME: Except us. How ironic.
LIAM: I want to make the ten of you the new faces of 'We <3 Prov.'
JEREMY: No way.
ME: I don't even like Providence.
JEREMY: You're the Mayor!
ME: It beats being a citizen.
Liam unrolled a poster with all our faces on it.
ME: It would be more realistic if we were all choking each other.
LIAM: That's the second poster.
JEREMY: I don't see the point of this.
LIAM: Who wouldn't want to live in the city with the ten of you?
JEREMY: Me for one thing.
ME: Yeah. Why are you still here?
Jeremy looked taken aback by the question.
ME: Not that I'm not glad, but--
LIAM: People love celebrities. That's why everyone lives in New York, L.A.--
ME: Twin Peaks.
JEREMY: That's not an actual place.
LIAM: We can make Providence a hotspot. People will flock here.
JEREMY: People aren't going to move somewhere just because their favorite tv characters live there. It's not like they're guaranteed to run into us. I barely go out anymore.
ME: I only leave the house in a limo. I haven't seen the public in years.
JEREMY: Again--you're the Mayor.
ME: It's not that I don't appreciate their votes. I just don't want to interact with them.
Liam cleared his throat.
LIAM: We need to change the way people see this city. That means all of you need to make yourselves more...
JEREMY: Cheap?
ME: Not possible.
JEREMY: You want us to walk around signing autographs like this is Disney World and we're the talking mice?
LIAM: Exactly.
JEREMY: This may get Davis reelected, and it may make Providence more gay-ttractive--
ME: Still not a thing.
JEREMY: But what do the rest of us get out of it?
At this, Liam leaned across his desk and looked Jeremy right in the eye.
LIAM: You get to be a hometown hero, and if you tell me that doesn't appeal to you at all, then I'm going to tell you that you're full of shit. This place means something to you, Jeremy. Maybe that's not the case with everyone else, but it is with you. You love it here. That's why you keep getting pulled back to Providence even though you keep telling everybody you want to leave. You're here for a reason, and maybe you will move on eventually, but for now you're here. So as long as you're here, you may as well make yourself useful.
I looked at Jeremy. He looked at me. Then he looked at the poster.
JEREMY: I should be the one farthest to the left.
I have to remember to give Liam a raise.
Stay Right Where You Are
Hi, my name is Jeremy.
Vibrate, vibrate.
What? It's not like phones ring anymore.
I was just packing up my stuff for my trip back home to New York when my phone went off.
The caller id read "Edson."
ME: Hey there, mister. You calling to tell me all my plants are dead?
EDSON: He knows.
Instantly, my breath disappears. I'm mid-breath and then--
ME: What?
EDSON: Edward. He knows.
ME: About--?
EDOSN: Everything.
This is not what I wanted to be hearing with an open suitcase staring back at me.
ME: What should we do?
EDSON: We aren't going to do anything. I'm taking care of it.
ME: Ed--
EDSON: If you could just stay in Rhode Island for a little while longer, that would be great.
ME: But--
EDSON: Please, Jeremy, for me. I need to work this out and I can't do that with you here.
Jackson poked his head into the bedroom.
JACKSON: Get a move on. We have to be at the train station by five.
EDSON: Just stay there and I'll call you when it's okay to come back. If it's ever okay.
ME: If?
JACKSON: Jeremy what's wrong?
ME: I'll be out in a minute!
I shut the door.
ME: You can't tell me I have to say here!
EDSON: Do whatever you want. Just please don't come back here.
ME: Where else would I go?
EDSON: Jeremy, you lived in Rhode Island for over twenty years. Will it really kill you to stay there for a few extra days?
Then the line went dead.
Will it kill me?
Clearly, Edson doesn't know Providence that well.
Vibrate, vibrate.
What? It's not like phones ring anymore.
I was just packing up my stuff for my trip back home to New York when my phone went off.
The caller id read "Edson."
ME: Hey there, mister. You calling to tell me all my plants are dead?
EDSON: He knows.
Instantly, my breath disappears. I'm mid-breath and then--
ME: What?
EDSON: Edward. He knows.
ME: About--?
EDOSN: Everything.
This is not what I wanted to be hearing with an open suitcase staring back at me.
ME: What should we do?
EDSON: We aren't going to do anything. I'm taking care of it.
ME: Ed--
EDSON: If you could just stay in Rhode Island for a little while longer, that would be great.
ME: But--
EDSON: Please, Jeremy, for me. I need to work this out and I can't do that with you here.
Jackson poked his head into the bedroom.
JACKSON: Get a move on. We have to be at the train station by five.
EDSON: Just stay there and I'll call you when it's okay to come back. If it's ever okay.
ME: If?
JACKSON: Jeremy what's wrong?
ME: I'll be out in a minute!
I shut the door.
ME: You can't tell me I have to say here!
EDSON: Do whatever you want. Just please don't come back here.
ME: Where else would I go?
EDSON: Jeremy, you lived in Rhode Island for over twenty years. Will it really kill you to stay there for a few extra days?
Then the line went dead.
Will it kill me?
Clearly, Edson doesn't know Providence that well.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Lunch with Mom
Hi, my name is Jackson.
JOAN: I'm so happy we could spend some quality time together.
ME: Are you still having trouble telling Jeremy and me apart after twenty-seven years?
JOAN: Hahaha why do you always insist that I like your brother more than I like you?
ME: Because when we were born you took him home and left me at the hospital with a note that said 'Careful with This One.'
JOAN: You never could let go of the past.
ME: What is it you want, Mom?
She leaned over her two pieces of lettuce and whispered to me.
JOAN: I want to find a way to keep your brother here.
ME: That's it?
JOAN: He keeps talking about leaving.
ME: That's what he says, but trust me, Mom, he's not going anywhere.
JOAN: Are you sure?
ME: Wouldn't he have left already?
VOICE: Well hello!
We both turned to see Jeremy walking into the restaurant.
He sat down next to us. I wondered if this was part of Mom's plan.
JOAN: Sweetheart, we were just talking about you and your...plans.
JEREMY: My plans?
JOAN: Yes, as in, what are they?
ME: Mom--
JEREMY: Well, I'm leaving for New York tomorrow.
ME/MOM: What?!
JEREMY: I need to go back for at least a few weeks.
ME: What about everything that's happening with Ben? And now Billy?
JEREMY: I can't get involved with anything that has to do with Billy. I'm sure Nathan can handle this on his own.
MOM: But what about me? The Mother/Son Picnic for the East Siders Club is next weekend!
JEREMY: Mom, you're making that up.
ME: At least, we hope you are.
Joan was already tearing up.
JOAN: This is all about your father, isn't it?
JEREMY: Mom, that's--
JOAN: That's why you moved in the first place. Because of his disappearance.
ME: You mean murder.
JOAN: Jackson!
ME: Nobody just disappears. Haven't we learned that by now?
JOAN: Jeremy, darling, it was years ago. It's time to move on with your life.
JEREMY: That's what I'm doing, Mom. I just don't want to do that here. I can't. I'm sorry.
And he got up, and left.
ME: So Mom, what else do you want to talk about?
JOAN: Oh go to hell, Jackson.
Now there's the mother I know and love.
JOAN: I'm so happy we could spend some quality time together.
ME: Are you still having trouble telling Jeremy and me apart after twenty-seven years?
JOAN: Hahaha why do you always insist that I like your brother more than I like you?
ME: Because when we were born you took him home and left me at the hospital with a note that said 'Careful with This One.'
JOAN: You never could let go of the past.
ME: What is it you want, Mom?
She leaned over her two pieces of lettuce and whispered to me.
JOAN: I want to find a way to keep your brother here.
ME: That's it?
JOAN: He keeps talking about leaving.
ME: That's what he says, but trust me, Mom, he's not going anywhere.
JOAN: Are you sure?
ME: Wouldn't he have left already?
VOICE: Well hello!
We both turned to see Jeremy walking into the restaurant.
He sat down next to us. I wondered if this was part of Mom's plan.
JOAN: Sweetheart, we were just talking about you and your...plans.
JEREMY: My plans?
JOAN: Yes, as in, what are they?
ME: Mom--
JEREMY: Well, I'm leaving for New York tomorrow.
ME/MOM: What?!
JEREMY: I need to go back for at least a few weeks.
ME: What about everything that's happening with Ben? And now Billy?
JEREMY: I can't get involved with anything that has to do with Billy. I'm sure Nathan can handle this on his own.
MOM: But what about me? The Mother/Son Picnic for the East Siders Club is next weekend!
JEREMY: Mom, you're making that up.
ME: At least, we hope you are.
Joan was already tearing up.
JOAN: This is all about your father, isn't it?
JEREMY: Mom, that's--
JOAN: That's why you moved in the first place. Because of his disappearance.
ME: You mean murder.
JOAN: Jackson!
ME: Nobody just disappears. Haven't we learned that by now?
JOAN: Jeremy, darling, it was years ago. It's time to move on with your life.
JEREMY: That's what I'm doing, Mom. I just don't want to do that here. I can't. I'm sorry.
And he got up, and left.
ME: So Mom, what else do you want to talk about?
JOAN: Oh go to hell, Jackson.
Now there's the mother I know and love.
A Relationship Built on Trust
Hi, my name is Hank.
ME: Why did I agree to do this?
JEREMY: Because Ritchie is sneaky, so we need to be sneaky right back. We need to counter-sneak him. It's the right thing to do.
I've never had someone tell me I was doing the right thing while they strapped a wire to my back.
Davis set this whole thing up when Nathan told everyone that he thought Ritchie had something to do with Bart going over the deep end and Ben getting framed for involvement in the whole mess.
Did you get all that?
JACKSON: We're going to nail his ass.
JEREMY: Jackson, there's nothing to nail.
ADAM: I wouldn't say that.
JEREMY: We just want to find out why Bart was going on his show.
NATHAN: Nobody ponies up that much money for thoughts on jail.
DAVIS: Just get him to talk as quick as you can.
ME: Why? Do we only have a limited amount of recording time?
DAVIS: No, I just want to make sure we get what we need before you two start humping.
JOEY: Is all of this legal?
NATHAN: We'll worry about that later.
I'm sure that won't come back to bite us in the--
NATHAN: Do not screw this up.
ME: What am I getting out of this?
JEREMY: Our undying respect.
NATHAN: And a thousand bucks.
I didn't even hear the first part.
Ritchie was waiting for me in his office after lunch.
Unfortunately for me, he wasn't in a talking mood.
RITCHIE: Take off your pants.
ME: I was hoping we could...say things first.
Somewhere I could hear the queens groaning.
RITCHIE: Oh God.
ME: What?
RITCHIE: Is this when you lay the 'L' word on me?
M: Lesbians?
RITCHIE: Love.
ME: Love?!? No! Nooo. No no no.
RITCHIE: Great. Because that's the last thing I need. Right now I just want you, on my desk, doing awful things to me. Just avoid knocking over my Rhode Island Monthly Award.
I decided I had to take matters into my own hands.
ME: Unzip.
Literally.
RITCHIE: Ohhh Hank...
Here comes the squeeze.
RITCHIE: ...ooohhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!
I'd look away if I were you.
ME: Why were you having Bart on the show?
RITCHIE: WHAT?
ME: Why was Bart coming on the show?
RITCHIE: You set me up? I'll kill youuuaahhhh!
ME: Why was Bart coming on the show, Ritchie?
RITCHIE: He...he...
ME: Spit it out or I start to pull!
RITCHIE: HE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH BILLY!
I dropped...well...it.
Billy?
RITCHIE: Bet you weren't expecting that.
The question is--was anybody else?
ME: Why did I agree to do this?
JEREMY: Because Ritchie is sneaky, so we need to be sneaky right back. We need to counter-sneak him. It's the right thing to do.
I've never had someone tell me I was doing the right thing while they strapped a wire to my back.
Davis set this whole thing up when Nathan told everyone that he thought Ritchie had something to do with Bart going over the deep end and Ben getting framed for involvement in the whole mess.
Did you get all that?
JACKSON: We're going to nail his ass.
JEREMY: Jackson, there's nothing to nail.
ADAM: I wouldn't say that.
JEREMY: We just want to find out why Bart was going on his show.
NATHAN: Nobody ponies up that much money for thoughts on jail.
DAVIS: Just get him to talk as quick as you can.
ME: Why? Do we only have a limited amount of recording time?
DAVIS: No, I just want to make sure we get what we need before you two start humping.
JOEY: Is all of this legal?
NATHAN: We'll worry about that later.
I'm sure that won't come back to bite us in the--
NATHAN: Do not screw this up.
ME: What am I getting out of this?
JEREMY: Our undying respect.
NATHAN: And a thousand bucks.
I didn't even hear the first part.
Ritchie was waiting for me in his office after lunch.
Unfortunately for me, he wasn't in a talking mood.
RITCHIE: Take off your pants.
ME: I was hoping we could...say things first.
Somewhere I could hear the queens groaning.
RITCHIE: Oh God.
ME: What?
RITCHIE: Is this when you lay the 'L' word on me?
M: Lesbians?
RITCHIE: Love.
ME: Love?!? No! Nooo. No no no.
RITCHIE: Great. Because that's the last thing I need. Right now I just want you, on my desk, doing awful things to me. Just avoid knocking over my Rhode Island Monthly Award.
I decided I had to take matters into my own hands.
ME: Unzip.
Literally.
RITCHIE: Ohhh Hank...
Here comes the squeeze.
RITCHIE: ...ooohhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!
I'd look away if I were you.
ME: Why were you having Bart on the show?
RITCHIE: WHAT?
ME: Why was Bart coming on the show?
RITCHIE: You set me up? I'll kill youuuaahhhh!
ME: Why was Bart coming on the show, Ritchie?
RITCHIE: He...he...
ME: Spit it out or I start to pull!
RITCHIE: HE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH BILLY!
I dropped...well...it.
Billy?
RITCHIE: Bet you weren't expecting that.
The question is--was anybody else?
A Check You Can Cash
Hi, my name is Ritchie.
KATE: There's someone here to see you.
ME: Is it about the show we did on dalmatians? Because I specifically said we couldn't prove that they give you cancer.
KATE: It's your friend Nathan.
"Friend" is a strong word.
Nathan looked a little beat up.
ME: I thought Ben was the convict.
NATHAN: He hasn't been convicted of anything.
ME: But it doesn't look good. I'm doing a show with his lawyer on Friday.
NATHAN: In other news, he'll be getting a new lawyer.
ME: It's a media circus, Nathan. Don't fight it.
NATHAN: And just when will you be doing a show on the check you made out to Bart?
I knew he wasn't going to let this go.
ME: Nathan, there wasn't anything behind that.
NATHAN: So you always write checks to people you haven't seen over five years?
ME: Bart was going to come on my show. The check was an advance on an appearance fee.
NATHAN: Why was he coming on the show?
ME: That's confidential.
NATHAN: Why? Are you planning to dig him up for sweeps week?
If only I could...
ME: He was going to talk about life in prison. His sordid past. He was even going to comment on Jeremy's book.
NATHAN: That's it? No big reveal? No twist.
ME: If I told you about it, it wouldn't be a twist now, would it?
NATHAN: What are you saying?
ME: I'm saying I may go public with what Bart was going to announce on the show.
NATHAN: And does that have anything to do with Ben?
ME: I guess you'll have to watch and find out.
Nathan closed the door to my office.
NATHAN: Or you could show a little kindness.
ME: Kindness begins under my desk, Nathan.
NATHAN: You're disgusting.
ME: What's the matter? Afraid I might not be able to afford you?
I saw his face go pale.
ME: Did I mention I don't have anyone for Monday's show yet?
Something tells me Nathan's price was going to be a lot lower than Bart's.
KATE: There's someone here to see you.
ME: Is it about the show we did on dalmatians? Because I specifically said we couldn't prove that they give you cancer.
KATE: It's your friend Nathan.
"Friend" is a strong word.
Nathan looked a little beat up.
ME: I thought Ben was the convict.
NATHAN: He hasn't been convicted of anything.
ME: But it doesn't look good. I'm doing a show with his lawyer on Friday.
NATHAN: In other news, he'll be getting a new lawyer.
ME: It's a media circus, Nathan. Don't fight it.
NATHAN: And just when will you be doing a show on the check you made out to Bart?
I knew he wasn't going to let this go.
ME: Nathan, there wasn't anything behind that.
NATHAN: So you always write checks to people you haven't seen over five years?
ME: Bart was going to come on my show. The check was an advance on an appearance fee.
NATHAN: Why was he coming on the show?
ME: That's confidential.
NATHAN: Why? Are you planning to dig him up for sweeps week?
If only I could...
ME: He was going to talk about life in prison. His sordid past. He was even going to comment on Jeremy's book.
NATHAN: That's it? No big reveal? No twist.
ME: If I told you about it, it wouldn't be a twist now, would it?
NATHAN: What are you saying?
ME: I'm saying I may go public with what Bart was going to announce on the show.
NATHAN: And does that have anything to do with Ben?
ME: I guess you'll have to watch and find out.
Nathan closed the door to my office.
NATHAN: Or you could show a little kindness.
ME: Kindness begins under my desk, Nathan.
NATHAN: You're disgusting.
ME: What's the matter? Afraid I might not be able to afford you?
I saw his face go pale.
ME: Did I mention I don't have anyone for Monday's show yet?
Something tells me Nathan's price was going to be a lot lower than Bart's.
Friday, March 16, 2012
To the Left, To the Left
Hi, my name is Billy.
TOM: I'm here to grab Emma's stuff.
ME: Whatever I didn't burn is in a box marked 'Satan's Whore.'
TOM: Good to see you're not bitter.
I'm going to miss Tom. He would have been a cool brother-in-law had my fiance not left me for one of my converts.
Now I just feel so alone.
My gay friends want nothing to do with me. My straight friends all pity me. And I can't go out in public without getting requests for my autograph.
Ever since that disastrous reunion on Ritchie's talk show, I decided that staying in and watching endless episodes of "Cupcake Wars" was my best option.
When Tom was done, I offered him a drink. We sat down in the living room and had a talk.
TOM: Personally, I think my sister's crazy.
ME: Thanks Tom.
TOM: Not because she left you.
ME: Thanks again.
TOM: No, I mean, you're a great guy, but you're gay.
ME: Tom--
TOM: And she left you for another gay guy.
ME: Tom, I'm not gay. I've embraced a deeper truth.
TOM: So you feel nothing at all for guys?
ME: Not a thing.
That was when he leaned over and kissed me.
I pushed him away, but...
TOM: You felt something, didn't you?
Before I could answer, he was on top of me.
And then I couldn't deny it.
I definitely felt something.
TOM: I'm here to grab Emma's stuff.
ME: Whatever I didn't burn is in a box marked 'Satan's Whore.'
TOM: Good to see you're not bitter.
I'm going to miss Tom. He would have been a cool brother-in-law had my fiance not left me for one of my converts.
Now I just feel so alone.
My gay friends want nothing to do with me. My straight friends all pity me. And I can't go out in public without getting requests for my autograph.
Ever since that disastrous reunion on Ritchie's talk show, I decided that staying in and watching endless episodes of "Cupcake Wars" was my best option.
When Tom was done, I offered him a drink. We sat down in the living room and had a talk.
TOM: Personally, I think my sister's crazy.
ME: Thanks Tom.
TOM: Not because she left you.
ME: Thanks again.
TOM: No, I mean, you're a great guy, but you're gay.
ME: Tom--
TOM: And she left you for another gay guy.
ME: Tom, I'm not gay. I've embraced a deeper truth.
TOM: So you feel nothing at all for guys?
ME: Not a thing.
That was when he leaned over and kissed me.
I pushed him away, but...
TOM: You felt something, didn't you?
Before I could answer, he was on top of me.
And then I couldn't deny it.
I definitely felt something.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Stand By Your Man
Hi, my name is Nathan.
ME: Are they feeding you?
BEN: It's prison, Nathan. Not a Romanian dungeon.
It was my first time visiting Ben in prison.
Despite my resources, he wasn't getting out anytime soon.
Bart's letter was pretty incriminating, even though it had set-up written all over it.
I hadn't had a chance to confront Ritchie again about the check he wrote Bart, but that was only because I had to read lightly.
If, at any point, it came out that Bart was working for me before he terrorized the entire city, I'd be behind bars in a cell next to Ben--probably one with a three-hundred pound guy named Mr. Bob in it.
BEN: This whole thing is crazy. I never talked to Bart about any of the stuff he was planning.
ME: I don't know who's crazier--Bart or that stupid hostage negotiator.
BEN: Can't Davis do anything to help?
ME: Liam says the political climate right now is touchy.
BEN: What does that mean?
ME: It means everyone loves a scapegoat.
I'm not being...entirely...honest here.
I don't want Ben in prison, but more than that, I don't want a trial.
But until there's a trial, having someone to...keep the focus on, isn't exactly bad for me.
So, yes, I'm keeping my husband in prison until I can figure out my next move.
Right now, that next move is Ritchie.
BEN: Nathan, I love you.
It's been so long since he's said that.
BEN: Just tell me you have a plan to get me out of here.
NATHAN: Of course I do.
But if the plan fails, and it's me or Ben...
NATHAN: Trust me.
...I always opt for self-preservation.
ME: Are they feeding you?
BEN: It's prison, Nathan. Not a Romanian dungeon.
It was my first time visiting Ben in prison.
Despite my resources, he wasn't getting out anytime soon.
Bart's letter was pretty incriminating, even though it had set-up written all over it.
I hadn't had a chance to confront Ritchie again about the check he wrote Bart, but that was only because I had to read lightly.
If, at any point, it came out that Bart was working for me before he terrorized the entire city, I'd be behind bars in a cell next to Ben--probably one with a three-hundred pound guy named Mr. Bob in it.
BEN: This whole thing is crazy. I never talked to Bart about any of the stuff he was planning.
ME: I don't know who's crazier--Bart or that stupid hostage negotiator.
BEN: Can't Davis do anything to help?
ME: Liam says the political climate right now is touchy.
BEN: What does that mean?
ME: It means everyone loves a scapegoat.
I'm not being...entirely...honest here.
I don't want Ben in prison, but more than that, I don't want a trial.
But until there's a trial, having someone to...keep the focus on, isn't exactly bad for me.
So, yes, I'm keeping my husband in prison until I can figure out my next move.
Right now, that next move is Ritchie.
BEN: Nathan, I love you.
It's been so long since he's said that.
BEN: Just tell me you have a plan to get me out of here.
NATHAN: Of course I do.
But if the plan fails, and it's me or Ben...
NATHAN: Trust me.
...I always opt for self-preservation.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Team of Rivals
Hi, my name is Joey.
ME: So Ben and Bart were--
NATHAN: No! Ben and Bart were nothing. This is all a set-up.
We were all at Nathan's house on the East Side trying to come up with a plan to help Ben now that he'd been arrested.
JEREMY: They're just looking for a scapegoat since they can't try Bart--
DAVIS: Well, I had nothing to do with this. This is federal. This is serious.
ME: This is like Law & Order--the one without the sex.
RITCHIE: I could do a show on it. Wrongly accused people score big ratings.
JEREMY: Is it all about tv with you now?
RITCHIE: It always has been. It's just that now I actually have a show.
JACKSON: What did the letter Bart sent say?
NATHAN: Nobody knows.
HANK: They'll probably tell everybody at the trial.
NATHAN: THERE CAN'T BE A TRIAL!
We all got quiet.
NATHAN: I'm sorry, but things come out at trials. Things that...should not...come out.
ADAM: When did you become the Mayor of Vague City?
NATHAN: We need a plan.
JEREMY: We need a lawyer.
DAVIS: We need to go get a drink.
HANK: I second that.
I stood up.
ME: Guys, this is serious! If Ben gets convicted for this, he's going to jail for a really long time. We have to prove that this is crazy. I mean, if Ben helped Bart it basically means he wanted all of us dead. And that's just not true, right?
We all looked around the room at each other.
ADAM: Maybe not all of us.
That's when I realized maybe it wasn't such a crazy idea after all.
ME: So Ben and Bart were--
NATHAN: No! Ben and Bart were nothing. This is all a set-up.
We were all at Nathan's house on the East Side trying to come up with a plan to help Ben now that he'd been arrested.
JEREMY: They're just looking for a scapegoat since they can't try Bart--
DAVIS: Well, I had nothing to do with this. This is federal. This is serious.
ME: This is like Law & Order--the one without the sex.
RITCHIE: I could do a show on it. Wrongly accused people score big ratings.
JEREMY: Is it all about tv with you now?
RITCHIE: It always has been. It's just that now I actually have a show.
JACKSON: What did the letter Bart sent say?
NATHAN: Nobody knows.
HANK: They'll probably tell everybody at the trial.
NATHAN: THERE CAN'T BE A TRIAL!
We all got quiet.
NATHAN: I'm sorry, but things come out at trials. Things that...should not...come out.
ADAM: When did you become the Mayor of Vague City?
NATHAN: We need a plan.
JEREMY: We need a lawyer.
DAVIS: We need to go get a drink.
HANK: I second that.
I stood up.
ME: Guys, this is serious! If Ben gets convicted for this, he's going to jail for a really long time. We have to prove that this is crazy. I mean, if Ben helped Bart it basically means he wanted all of us dead. And that's just not true, right?
We all looked around the room at each other.
ADAM: Maybe not all of us.
That's when I realized maybe it wasn't such a crazy idea after all.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Stars Aren't Easy
Hi, my name is Adam.
JOEY: How much longer do I have to stay here?
ME: Until we can find a women's shelter that accepts gay men.
I was having Joey hang out in my dressing room at Ben's theater until we could sort out his thr-ouple situation.
JOEY: Why can't I just stay at your place?
ME: Because then we'll sleep together.
JOEY: No, we won't. I've changed.
ME: Joey, your hand is on my crotch.
JOEY: Oh...sorry.
Knock, knock.
Joey jumped behind the cardboard cut-out of me.
It was my assistant, Tony.
TONY: Ben says they can't get you the frozen glacier water.
This is what happens whenever I start rehearsals for a show.
Somebody tries tackling the dragon.
And then the dragon eats them--and whatever children they may have.
TONY: Do you want me to get your scary red cape?
ME: Not necessary...yet.
I went straight to Ben's office.
ME: If you're not prepared to meet my demands--
BEN: A British butler couldn't meet your demands.
ME: You're the one who wanted to me to act here.
BEN: I didn't realize I was hiring Veruca Salt.
ME: I hope you're talking about the band and not the bratty little girl because if it's the latter--
Knock, knock.
We both turned to see Paul standing in the doorway--
PAUL: Hi boys.
--with two cops.
ME: If this is about those taxes, half the write-offs were totally legitimate.
PAUL: We're actually here to see Ben.
Ben stood up.
BEN: What's this about?
PAUL: The department was given a tip that you were working with Bart right up until the hostage situation.
BEN: Working with him? Working on what?
PAUL: The whole thing. To get your theater attention.
BEN: That's ridiculous!
ME: Who gave you this tip?
Paul held up a letter.
PAUL: Bart.
That's when the cops arrest Ben.
And I decided it might be a good idea to find another hiding place for Joey.
JOEY: How much longer do I have to stay here?
ME: Until we can find a women's shelter that accepts gay men.
I was having Joey hang out in my dressing room at Ben's theater until we could sort out his thr-ouple situation.
JOEY: Why can't I just stay at your place?
ME: Because then we'll sleep together.
JOEY: No, we won't. I've changed.
ME: Joey, your hand is on my crotch.
JOEY: Oh...sorry.
Knock, knock.
Joey jumped behind the cardboard cut-out of me.
It was my assistant, Tony.
TONY: Ben says they can't get you the frozen glacier water.
This is what happens whenever I start rehearsals for a show.
Somebody tries tackling the dragon.
And then the dragon eats them--and whatever children they may have.
TONY: Do you want me to get your scary red cape?
ME: Not necessary...yet.
I went straight to Ben's office.
ME: If you're not prepared to meet my demands--
BEN: A British butler couldn't meet your demands.
ME: You're the one who wanted to me to act here.
BEN: I didn't realize I was hiring Veruca Salt.
ME: I hope you're talking about the band and not the bratty little girl because if it's the latter--
Knock, knock.
We both turned to see Paul standing in the doorway--
PAUL: Hi boys.
--with two cops.
ME: If this is about those taxes, half the write-offs were totally legitimate.
PAUL: We're actually here to see Ben.
Ben stood up.
BEN: What's this about?
PAUL: The department was given a tip that you were working with Bart right up until the hostage situation.
BEN: Working with him? Working on what?
PAUL: The whole thing. To get your theater attention.
BEN: That's ridiculous!
ME: Who gave you this tip?
Paul held up a letter.
PAUL: Bart.
That's when the cops arrest Ben.
And I decided it might be a good idea to find another hiding place for Joey.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
A Tune-Up
Hi, my name is Ben.
NATHAN: Make sure we tell him how you're still not over Jeremy.
ME: Nathan, I told you, I'm--
NATHAN: What's the point of seeing a marriage counselor if we're not honest?
Nathan and I have been seeing a marriage counselor for the past year.
It's helped...
NATHAN: And tell him you refused me sex again this week.
...In that we haven't stabbed each other in awhile.
VOICE: Well, look who's here!
Davis entered the waiting room. Of course.
DAVIS: Need a little help with blissful eternity, boys?
NATHAN: Our marriage, like any other, has ups and downs. Apparently yours does too or you wouldn't--
DAVIS: I'm screwing the therapist.
ME: You're having sex with our therapist?
NATHAN: You're cheating on your husband with a marriage counselor?
DAVIS: I know. There's irony in there somewhere. I just came for a little quickie before his three o'clock.
ME: We're his three o'clock.
DAVIS: Well then I'll try to be extra...quick.
Davis went into the office.
ME: We need a new therapist.
Nathan started to cry.
He'd grown attached.
NATHAN: Make sure we tell him how you're still not over Jeremy.
ME: Nathan, I told you, I'm--
NATHAN: What's the point of seeing a marriage counselor if we're not honest?
Nathan and I have been seeing a marriage counselor for the past year.
It's helped...
NATHAN: And tell him you refused me sex again this week.
...In that we haven't stabbed each other in awhile.
VOICE: Well, look who's here!
Davis entered the waiting room. Of course.
DAVIS: Need a little help with blissful eternity, boys?
NATHAN: Our marriage, like any other, has ups and downs. Apparently yours does too or you wouldn't--
DAVIS: I'm screwing the therapist.
ME: You're having sex with our therapist?
NATHAN: You're cheating on your husband with a marriage counselor?
DAVIS: I know. There's irony in there somewhere. I just came for a little quickie before his three o'clock.
ME: We're his three o'clock.
DAVIS: Well then I'll try to be extra...quick.
Davis went into the office.
ME: We need a new therapist.
Nathan started to cry.
He'd grown attached.
A Political Arrangement
Hi, my name is Davis.
JEREMY: You know, even when your book hits number one on the bestseller lists, they still don't send a limo to pick you up with a half-naked boy in it.
ME: I figured I might as well send him home in style.
I'd invited Jeremy to City Hall to discuss my reelection.
Liam joined us a few minutes later.
As for the half-naked boy, he was just a lunchtime fling. I'm half-sure that Liam knows I dabble every now and again, but I try not to rub his claws in it.
LIAM: We have to chat with you about helping Davis get a second term as Mayor.
JEREMY: Isn't it a little early to be discussing reelection?
ME: Are you kidding? We start discussing it the day after we win.
LIAM: We're only going to do one more term and then we're going to discuss possible Senate option.
JEREMY: Davis in the Senate? I should look into renewing my passport.
ME: Show him the t-shirt, Liam.
Liam held up a Team Tanner t-shirt.
JEREMY: That's what the fans of Tanner and Jason wear.
LIAM: There are a lot of them.
JEREMY: Well, there are actually more Brewster and Jason fans.
LIAM: And some Bobby and Jason--
JEREMY: I'm sorry, but why are we talking about fictional people?
ME: Because they're not really fictional. Tanner and Jason are me and you.
JEREMY: They're based on me and you, but--
LIAM: We think if you and Davis were to start dating and eventually get married--
JEREMY: WHAT?
LIAM: It could help his reelection chances.
JEREMY: Is this a joke?
ME: Even gay politicians need spouses nowadays. It's really sad.
JEREMY: But you're already married to Liam.
LIAM: We could quietly divorce.
This may sound shocking to you, but then again you never heard some of Liam's other proposals.
At one point, he wanted me to go sky-diving over the city with an "I Am Providence" parachute.
When I asked him where I would land, he looked at me as if there were a minor quibble.
JEREMY: You would divorce your husband just to win an election?
LIAM: We'd still be together. This is all just game-playing.
JEREMY: Well, I'm not into game-playing, and I have absolutely no urge to be a politician's wife--husband--whatever.
ME: C'mon, Jeremy. We always have a good time.
JEREMY: As friends, Davis. Not as a fraudulent married couple!
ME: You never see the bigger picture.
Jeremy stood up.
JEREMY: Davis, I am currently dealing with the return of Hydra--
ME: Your mother's back in town?
JEREMY: Along with editing a play so I can hand it over to Ben and then--hopefully--head back to New York so I can at least tie up some loose ends then. So I'm going to be a little too busy to be scamming the public with you. Sorry.
He took off without even a hug good-bye.
LIAM: Well, I guess that's out of the question. Maybe we could have you marry Jackson. Most people wouldn't know the difference.
ME: No, we'll stick with Jeremy. I'll just have to convince him the old-fashioned way.
LIAM: What do you mean?
I made him fall in love with me once.
I can do it again.
JEREMY: You know, even when your book hits number one on the bestseller lists, they still don't send a limo to pick you up with a half-naked boy in it.
ME: I figured I might as well send him home in style.
I'd invited Jeremy to City Hall to discuss my reelection.
Liam joined us a few minutes later.
As for the half-naked boy, he was just a lunchtime fling. I'm half-sure that Liam knows I dabble every now and again, but I try not to rub his claws in it.
LIAM: We have to chat with you about helping Davis get a second term as Mayor.
JEREMY: Isn't it a little early to be discussing reelection?
ME: Are you kidding? We start discussing it the day after we win.
LIAM: We're only going to do one more term and then we're going to discuss possible Senate option.
JEREMY: Davis in the Senate? I should look into renewing my passport.
ME: Show him the t-shirt, Liam.
Liam held up a Team Tanner t-shirt.
JEREMY: That's what the fans of Tanner and Jason wear.
LIAM: There are a lot of them.
JEREMY: Well, there are actually more Brewster and Jason fans.
LIAM: And some Bobby and Jason--
JEREMY: I'm sorry, but why are we talking about fictional people?
ME: Because they're not really fictional. Tanner and Jason are me and you.
JEREMY: They're based on me and you, but--
LIAM: We think if you and Davis were to start dating and eventually get married--
JEREMY: WHAT?
LIAM: It could help his reelection chances.
JEREMY: Is this a joke?
ME: Even gay politicians need spouses nowadays. It's really sad.
JEREMY: But you're already married to Liam.
LIAM: We could quietly divorce.
This may sound shocking to you, but then again you never heard some of Liam's other proposals.
At one point, he wanted me to go sky-diving over the city with an "I Am Providence" parachute.
When I asked him where I would land, he looked at me as if there were a minor quibble.
JEREMY: You would divorce your husband just to win an election?
LIAM: We'd still be together. This is all just game-playing.
JEREMY: Well, I'm not into game-playing, and I have absolutely no urge to be a politician's wife--husband--whatever.
ME: C'mon, Jeremy. We always have a good time.
JEREMY: As friends, Davis. Not as a fraudulent married couple!
ME: You never see the bigger picture.
Jeremy stood up.
JEREMY: Davis, I am currently dealing with the return of Hydra--
ME: Your mother's back in town?
JEREMY: Along with editing a play so I can hand it over to Ben and then--hopefully--head back to New York so I can at least tie up some loose ends then. So I'm going to be a little too busy to be scamming the public with you. Sorry.
He took off without even a hug good-bye.
LIAM: Well, I guess that's out of the question. Maybe we could have you marry Jackson. Most people wouldn't know the difference.
ME: No, we'll stick with Jeremy. I'll just have to convince him the old-fashioned way.
LIAM: What do you mean?
I made him fall in love with me once.
I can do it again.
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