What You Want

Hi, my name is Eli.

CARTER: Don't you want to?

I'm repulsed.

Carter had asked me to go over some sheet music with him in his room. When we got there, Ben, his roommate, was nowhere to be found, and within minutes he had leaned in as if he was going to ask me a question only to try and kiss me.

Luckily, I dodged him and he fell off the bed we were sitting on.

ME: What are you talking about?
CARTER: I can keep a secret.
ME: A secret about what?
CARTER: You know--
ME: I don't have any secrets!

Not as far as he's concerned. My secrets are my perrogative, as B.S. would say, God rest her might-as-well-be-dead soul.

CARTER: But you hang out with Billy all the--
ME: We're friends!

Hanging out with Billy had been a huge mistake. You can't get close to anyone in the OSC theater department without everyone talking gossip and making assumptions.

I mostly blame Jeremy.

CARTER: So you don't want to...do stuff?
ME: I'm sorry. Are we at sleepaway camp and nobody told me?
CARTER: Is it because of me? Because I'm not cute?

Stab...me...in...the...face.

ME: HOW WOULD I KNOW IF YOU'RE CUTE OR NOT?

Then he started to cry. I am motherfucking serious, the kid started to cry. I couldn't even make out what he was saying, and to be honest, I was sort of over it before it even began. I said a quick good-bye and then headed out of the room where I ran right into Ben.

A-mazing.

BEN: What's up?

He noticed Carter crying and looked at me.

BEN: What's going on?
ME: Your roommate is a spaz. That's what's going on.
BEN: You made him cry?
CARTER: I'm okay, Benny.
ME: I didn't make him cry. He practically attacked me.
CARTER: I'm sorry, okay? Please don't tell anyone!
ME: Dude, you're so gay! Everyone knows it. Why try to hide it?

Ben took a step towards Carter.

BEN: Eli, should you really be--
ME: Ben, if there's something you want to say, you should probably remember that I could say stuff, too.

That shut him up.

And I was done! Out the door and on my way to South County to my friend Amy's house. She was throwing a party for the cast of the show she was in at her college--Suessical, I think, something family-oriented that probably made them bazillions. Why can't my school do quality shows like that?

There were a ton of people there, and I didn't know most of them, thank God. Sometimes it's just nice to get away from the people who are always trying to find out shit about you so they can cut you down.

The more I thought of Carter crying, the more it irritated me. I started to drink and before I knew it. I was trashed.

To be honest, when I get like that...I mean, you want to do funny things when you're drunk. What you want isn't actually what you want in real life, it's just what you want because you're drunk and stupid.

I sort of remember pulling this kid into Amy's upstairs bathroom, kissing him, undoing his pants and...

And I know what you're thinking, but that totally doesn't make me gay, because:

A) I remember almost none of it.
B) I was wicked drunk.
C) I didn't like it--AT ALL.

Gay guys like doing stuff like that. But the next morning, when I woke up, I totally hated myself for it.

So there--what more proof do you need?