Secrets at the IHOP

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

ME: So what did we learn from this?
BILLY: Eli sucks?
HANK: We already knew that.

I picked up Billy downtown at the police station. Luckily for him, Liam's parents decided to back off once they got their little Lolita back home.

BILLY: Eli ratted me out.
ME: Why would he do that? He's just as guilty as you are.
HANK: In terms of being a pedophile.
BILLY: Hey!
HANK: Truth hurts.

We all went to the IHOP for a late-night breakfast. It was a little creepy being in there--the last place that Joey had ever eaten.

WAITRESS: Hi, welcome to the IHOP.
HANK: Paige?
PAIGE: Shut up. I need money.
BILLY: They're not taking anymore applications at the Hooker House?
PAIGE: No, but I hear the Bitch Barn is; you should apply.
ME: Point goes to Paige.

She took our orders and left. Then some girl approached our table.

SOME GIRL: Uh, hey.
HANK: We're not interested.
SOME GIRL: In what?
HANK: Whatever you're selling. It's 2am at the IHOP, honey. You can't be holding anything good.
SOME GIRL: I'm Skyler's friend. I was here the night your friend...
ME: Joey?
SOME GIRL: Skyler told me that he died. I'm really sorry.

She really looked upset. I took her arm, and she sat next to us.

SOME GIRL: I wanted to...I shouldn't say this, but...
ME: What?
SOME GIRL: Skyler had to run outside to smoke. Your friend went to the men's room. I, uh, I saw that guy he was with put something in his drink.
HANK: Eli?
BILLY: RYFKM?
SOME GIRL: Who's RYFKM?
ME: He's being stupid. Never mind. Are you sure you--
SOME GIRL: Yes, positive. He didn't see me, but I totally saw him do it. When I saw what happened with your friend--
BILLY: Thank you for telling us.

My phone rang.

ME: Hello?
NATHAN: Hey Ritchie.
ME: Nathan, what's up?
NATHAN: I'm just out having drinks. You are not going to believe this. I talked to Cal--
ME: RYFKM!
NATHAN: No, for real. He said that either the Roofier or the guy who shot Ben at the pageant--
ME: Wait, wasn't that Cal?
HANK: What about Cal?
ME: Not now!
NATHAN: Apparently, someone's impersonating Cal.
ME: This is so Kimberly on Melrose. Continue.
NATHAN: Anyway, Cal said one of us is either the Roofier or the Shooter.

If Eli put something in Joey's drink...

ME: Nathan, where are you having drinks?
NATHAN: At Slice. With Eli.

Shit.

ME: Listen to me, you need to--
NATHAN: One sec. Eli wants the phone.

That was when the connection went dead.

BILLY: What's going on?
ME: Billy, I think you might have been right about Eli.
HANK: Not another rescue mission.
ME: Get the pancakes to go.

It was time to avenge Joey.

Handcuffs (Not the Fun Kind)

Hi, my name is Billy.

LIAM: Can't we do something fun tonight?
ME: Liam, I'm tired.
LIAM: You're always tired.
ME: That's because I actually do things. School, rehearsal--
LIAM: Blah, blah, blah.

I was trying to type out a paper. It was almost midnight, and I was exhausted. Liam, as usual, had spent the day at the mall, then back at my dorm room.

He had no intention of going back to high school, or trying to reconcile with his parents.

I should have just told him to leave, but he does this thing--

LIAM: I'm bored. Want to have sex?

Yeah, that thing.

Knock, Knock.

LIAM: I'll get it. It's probably one of the barbecues.
ME: CBQ's.
LIAM: Yeah, whatever.

He opened the door, and I heard someone say--

VOICE: We're looking for--

SHIT.

ME: Hi Officer, can I help you?
POPO: Are you Billy?
ME: Yes sir.
POPO: And this is Liam?
LIAM: In the flesh, Stabler.
ME: Liam, shut up.
LIAM: But he's kind of cute.
ME: SHUT UP!

The officer did not look amused.

POPO: Are you aware that this boy is sixteen years old?
ME: Uh...well...
POPO: His parents reported him missing.

I turned to Liam.

ME: You told me that you and your parents had a fight!
LIAM: They did. They threw me out. It's not like I was going to tell them where I was going.
POPO: They've been worried sick. We got a tip that you were staying here.

It was time to cut my losses.

ME: Take him.
LIAM: Billy!
ME: Tell them not to worry about paying for things he broke.
LIAM: The only thing I broke was your headboard.

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

POPO: Sorry son, but you're going to have to come with me.
ME: Why?
POPO: This boy is underage.
ME: What if I didn't know that?
POPO: I think you did.
ME: What if I didn't though?
POPO: Then you'd want to tell your lawyer.
ME: Why would I need a--uh--oh boy.

The officer took out his handcuffs.

POPO: You're going to have to come with me.
ME: Wait, this is some kind of a mistake.
POPO: No mistake.
LIAM: Don't worry, Billy. I'll wait for you.
ME: SHUT UP, LIAM!

The officer cuffed me--never thought I'd say that in my lifetime--and led me out of the dorms with everyone watching. It was completely humiliating.

As he put me in the back of the police car, the only thing I could think about was who would have tipped off Liam's parents.

Then it hit me--

ME: Eli!

--And the sirens blared.

Going for a Ride

Hi, my name is Nathan.

JEREMY: So you're not dead?

Ben is back.

BEN: Nope.
JEREMY: Terrific.

Jeremy backhanded him.

BEN: Ow!
JEREMY: Ow? We've been worried sick.
RITCHIE: Where were you?
HANK: We thought crazy blog people kidnapped you.
CARTER: I cried about it for awhile, but then I got over it.
BILLY: Good to know you're still pulling Ben's.
BEN: You can't call it a Ben when I'm the one doing it.
JEREMY: I could kill you!

Jeremy looked really upset, and I got nervous. Ben and I had just reunited, and I didn't want to risk him getting back into that Black Hole he and Jeremy called a relationship.

BEN: What are you talking about? You know where I was. You followed me to the airport and then told me to go!
JEREMY: Are you insane? I never--
JACKSON: Jeremy?

Everyone turned and looked at Jackson.

BEN: Are you kidding me?
JACKSON: I didn't know--I mean, I did, but--
JEREMY: You told Ben to leave?
JACKSON: It was either that or you were going to know that I was still here.
RITCHIE: Jesus, you people are like the cast of Falcon Crest.

Silence.

RITCHIE: Does nobody else get Soap Net?

I looked at Ben and could already see his resolve softening. Now that he knew Jeremy wasn't the one who told him to go, he would buckle.

So I decided to do a preemptive strike.

ME: Ben and I had sex last night.
BILLY: Was last night 'Bad Idea Night?' I thought that was next week.
ME: We're back together.
JEREMY: Great. As long as nobody's dead.

Uh...about that...

BEN: We're not back together.
ME: Excuse me?
BEN: It was just sex, Nathan. We weren't thinking.
ME: You piece of--

I wanted to grab a glass and break it over his head, but Davis got in front of me.

DAVIS: We already had a bar fight the other night, Nathan. I don't feel like getting kicked out of another sketchy dive.
HANK: Pretty soon we'll have no place else to go.
CARTER: We could go to Boston.
RITCHIE: Carter, we're from Rhode Island.
ALL: We don't drive.
JACKSON: Driving for an hour just to get drunk and make out. What do we look like--Brown students?

I'd heard enough.

ME: I'm leaving.
BEN: Nathan, don't.
ME: I thought we were finally going to be together for good.
BEN: Nathan, that day is never going to happen.
BILLY: In time, you'll see that this is like being told you'll never get syphilis. It's a good thing, Nathan, really.

But it didn't matter. I knew when I had Ben in my arms again that he was the only guy I could ever really love.

I walked out of the bar and got in my car.

VOICE: Lock the doors.

Shit.

ME: I don't have any money.
VOICE: I don't want money.
ME: Then what do you--
VOICE: Don't look in the rearview.
ME: Fine.
VOICE: You should recognize the voice anyway.
ME: Cal?
VOICE: Drive.
ME: Where?
VOICE: The mall. You can drop me off in front of Borders.
ME: Okay.

The mall was only a few minutes away. He must not have wanted to have a long conversation.

VOICE: You've been looking for me?
ME: Everyone has.
VOICE: Now you have me. What do you want?
ME: Why did you disappear?
VOICE: You know why. Billy spilled his guts, didn't he?
ME: He didn't say why you disappeared.
VOICE: I disappeared so I wouldn't get caught in the crossfire. You boys turned the entire city into a war zone.
ME: But you didn't know we were going to do that.
VOICE: I knew things were going to get bad.
ME: Did you know you were going to show up at the Mr. Providence pageant and fire off a few rounds?

He didn't say anything, and then--

VOICE: What makes you so sure that was me?
ME: Who else would it have been?
VOICE: Someone trying to look like me.
ME: This is all getting way too complicated.
VOICE: I'll uncomplicated it for you.
ME: Not a word.
VOICE: Should I get out here?
ME: I'm sorry. I'll shut up.

He took a deep breath.

VOICE: I took off because of Billy, because of what happened between us. I was just going to lay low for a little while when I got a phone call from someone who had a beef against all of you guys.
ME: Why?
VOICE: I'm not at liberty to say. Don't forget. I want to keep myself out of this.
ME: Fine. Go ahead.
VOICE: He wanted to do some serious damage, and he wanted to use the Wilde Blog to do it.
ME: What about the drugs in the drinks?
VOICE: That I know nothing about, but once Joey died, this guy--
ME: The guy who contacted you?
VOICE: He went berserk. He blamed all of you for not protecting him.
ME: But that doesn't make any sense. Was he close to Joey?
VOICE: This is where I get off.
ME: But--
VOICE: Look, you know the Roofier and the Shooter have nothing to do with each other, and you know that looking for me isn't going to help anything.
ME: So now we have two wackos out there who want to take out the CBQ's.
VOICE: Are you that dense?

He leaned forward, and whispered in my ear.

VOICE: One of them IS a CBQ. Now brake.

I did. He got out, and I sat there...

...Wondering what to do next.

The Not -So-Hot Body Contest

Hi, my name is Carter.

ME: There are hot people here!

I'm screwed.

RITCHIE: Carter, isn't that the point? It's a Hot Body Contest.
ME: But usually nobody shows up and then I win!
JACKSON: Looks like you're going to have to give up your title.
HANK: Tonight, Providence will crown a new Head Slut.
ME: You don't understand! I need to make rent money!

Now that I've quit school, I decided to be an adult and get my own place. The problem is, I still have the same part-time job I had when I was in school, and I'm having trouble finding another one, or a full-time job.

Plus, rent is due next week.

That's why I took Jeremy, Jackson, Ritchie, and Hank with me to Prisms for the Hot Body Contest. The winner gets two hundred bucks, and nobody ever shows up, so all I had to do was just shake my ass and walk off with the money.

MAX: Good turn-out, huh?

Max was the one who told me to come down and enter the contest. He hosts it every week.

ME: Max! There are hot people here.
MAX: Carter, did I not mention the name of the contest?
JEREMY: He was hoping for an easy victory, Max.
MAX: Maybe if he hadn't already won five times.
JACKSON: Carter, you've won this contest five times before?
ME: I like to milk it.
HANK: You should get that on a t-shirt.

That was when Max got that scary smile on his face.

MAX: You know, a new person would have a lot more luck than you, Carter.
ME: What do you--Ohhh...
MAX: Like, for example, Providence's Resident Saint?
JEREMY: No way.
MAX: Hank?
HANK: I'd rather eat my own eyeballs.
ME: Ritchie?
RITCHIE: I've actually won twice already.

Silence.

RITCHIE: Hey, Carter's not the only one who's had to pay rent.

The only one left was--

JACKSON: I'll do it.
ME: You will?
MAX: Great. That makes five. Now we have a quorum.
HANK: There are quorums on Hot Body Contests?
MAX: I take my job very seriously, Hank.
HANK: This from a man wearing platforms.
MAX: See you in a few, Jackson.

Great! Now I wouldn't have to strip and I could still pay rent!

...As long as Jackson won.

ME: You have to show peen.
JACKSON: What? No!
ME: That's the only surefire way to win.
JACKSON: Believe it or not, Carter, some of us still remember the age old art of burlesque.
JEREMY: Hate to rain on your parade, Gypsy, but I don't want you doing this contest.
JACKSON: Why not?
JEREMY: In case you've forgotten, we're twins. People seeing you naked is like people seeing me naked.
HANK: In that case, all your friends have seen you naked, Jeremy.
JACKSON: Excuse me, but only one of us does one hundred sit-ups every morning. Trust me, boys, I got a much better show going on underneath these clothes.
VOICE: All contestants in the Hot Body Contest! Come on up!
JACKSON: Wish me luck.

Jackson and four other guys went up to the front of the stage. The music started playing and the first guy started to strip.

JEREMY: I'm mortified.
RITCHIE: So am I. I can barely see anything. I wish that drag queen hadn't opted for the Marge Simpson wig.
HANK: I think that guy was an altar boy at my church.
JEREMY: Was or is?
ME: COME ON, JACKSON!

Just as the music started for Jackson, Davis strolled into the club, and got Jackson's shirt thrown over his face.

DAVIS: That's okay. I've been wanting to shave off my nose.
HANK: Like you didn't love it.
DAVIS: Carter, I thought you were entering the contest?
ME: Jackson is trying to win for me.
JEREMY: Carter, do you realize that you never made any agreement with Jackson in the event that he does win?
ME: Yeah, but Jackson wouldn't just--
DAVIS: Keep the money?
HANK: Wow, a new level of dumb. Somebody ring a bell.
RITCHIE: I'd like to ring a gong. Guy number five is HIDEOUS.

Three guys got eliminated and then it was just Jackson and this hot dancer guy in town with the tour of Kiss Me, Kate.

RITCHIE: I wouldn't mind kissing his--
JEREMY: Ritchie!
ME: Show it, Jackson! It's the only way.

They started the music, and the two of them had a strip-off. Both got down to their underwear, but at the last minute, KMK Boy showed it all.

HANK: My oh my, what would Cole Porter say?
RITCHIE: He'd say meet me in my stagecoach in five.
JEREMY: Then he'd write a song about it for Ethel Merman.

Max was getting the audience under control.

MAX: All right, it's time to see who our winner is--is it Tobey?

KMK Boy got some loud applause--

MAX: Or is it Jackson?

--But Jackson's blew his out of the water.

MAX: We have a winner--Jackson!

I started looking for the cash before Jackson could take it.

MAX: Care to make a speech, Jackson?
JACKSON: I'd rather spend the time making out with the guy I just beat.
MAX: Tobey?
TOBEY: I'm down.
MAX: Look at that! Everybody's a winner.
JEREMY: Except for good taste.
DAVIS: Uh--Jeremy?

We all turned and looked towards the door.

MAX: But wait, do we have a last-minute challenger?
RITCHIE: No, we do not, but we do have--
JEREMY: Ben?

There was Ben--holding hands with Nathan.

HANK: Somebody's got some explaining to do.

Jackson F**ked Your Boyfriend

Hi, my name is Jackson.

SLUTTY GAY #1: Do you think the CBQ's are going to show up tonight?
SLUTTY GAY #2: Not if they know what's good for them.

I'm incognito.

Prisms was having their annual May Flowers party, and all of Providence was in attendance--minus my brother and his band of merry men.

I was dressed in a pulled down cap and sunglasses to avoid being noticed. I should have avoided the night altogether, but after spending so much time hidden away in a cheap motel in Warwick, I needed a night on the town.

The gays had gone crazy since Jeremy and Davis opened up the floodgates on the Wilde Blog. People were posting incriminating photos left and right, and most of the time the site crashed due to so many people logging onto it.

Needless to say, the Slutty Gays were not happy with the CBQ's for helping to air all their dirty laundry.

SLUTTY GAY #3: Like I should be embarrassed that I made out with that guy from Sesame Street Live?
SLUTTY GAY #4: Yeah, but he was still wearing the Elmo costume.
SLUTTY GAY #3: I know! Tell me that's not hot!
SLUTTY GAY #5: Hey guys, look who decided to show up.

I looked over at the door, and in they walked--Jeremy, Davis, Ritchie, Hank, Billy, and Carter.

To be honest, I missed them. Having a posse is fun.

The Slutty Gays wasted no time.

SLUTTY GAY #1: Look what the catty dragged in.
RITCHIE: Look who can make a pun. What's next? Similes? Onomatopoeia?
SLUTTY GAY #1: Eww! I'm not into that.

Slutty Gay #2 approached my brother. I felt my hair bristle--or what I would imagine bristling feels like.

SLUTTY GAY #2: You think you're clever, don't you?
JEREMY: I think I'm whimsical. I don't know about clever.
SLUTTY GAY #2: But see, your little plan didn't work, because people still think the same thing about you that they thought before.
JEREMY: Which is what?
SLUTTY GAY #2: That you're a snobby little fuck who can't get laid.

I made a fist, but stayed where I was. Davis was with Jeremy, and usually he could handle this sort of thing pretty well.

DAVIS: Why don't you say that again?
SLUTTY GAY #2: I said--

But before he could get the words out, Davis socked him in the jaw. Before the guy could get up, Davis was on top of him. Slutty Gay #3 tried pulling him off, but Ritchie kicked him the stomach. One of the other gays picked up a bottle and went to hit Davis over the head, but Hank picked him up by the back of his shirt and flung him across the bar. Jeremy was shouting at Davis to stop, but the rest of the bar was egging him on.

Finally, two of the bartenders broke it up and got Davis and most of the other guys out of the bar.

SLUTTY GAY #5: Great. Now they're banned. Maybe we can get some attractive people in here now.
JEREMY: You piece of--
BILLY: Jeremy, let's just go.
SLUTTY GAY #5: Yeah, run and hide.
JEREMY: At least we have somewhere else we can go. We don't have to hang out at bars every night of the week.
SLUTTY GAY #5: Yeah? Well...at least I have a boyfriend.

That's what did it. Not because I was pissed, but because the opportunity was just too good to pass up.

ME: Excuse me?

I took off my hat and my sunglasses. My hair may have been tussled, but that probably made me look even hotter.

Jeremy and Billy looked like they were going to fall on the floor when they saw me, but I didn't give them a chance to say anything.

ME: Your boyfriend?
SLUTTY GAY #5: Oh look, Tamera decided to show up.
ME: Did you say something about your boyfriend?
SLUTTY GAY #5: Yeah, maybe you know him. Nieno, hottest bartender in the city--
ME: Oh, I know him.

I looked around to make sure everyone was listening, and sure enough--

SLUTTY GAY #5: I'll tell him you said hi.
ME: Better yet. I'll ask him. The next time I fuck him.

Gasps all around.

SLUTTY GAY #5: What did you say?
ME: I fucked your boyfriend. Did you know that? Were you aware?
SLUTTY GAY #5: Shut up. Nobody's--
ME: I fucked him immediately upon arriving into town, but we've been meeting up ever since. So I hope you haven't been dating that long.
SLUTTY GAY #5: You're lying.
ME: He has a picture of Channing Tatum hung up over his bed. He has t-shirts flung all over his very nice oak dresser. And he has a hell of a squeaky mattress.

I heard a few people laugh. The Slutty Gays remaining looked too scared to jump in. This is what living in a gossip regime does; it makes people fear standing up for even their best friends. Luckily, I do just fine in regimes. Hell, I was raised in one.

ME: I fucked him just last week as a matter of fact.
SLUTTY GAY #5: He--
ME: Worked all week? Yeah, no. And the week before.
SLUTTY GAY #5: He was--
ME: House-sitting for you? I'm aware. Your bed doesn't squeak nearly as much as his.

The Slutty Gay looked like he was going to cry. That's my favorite part of any fight.

ME: God, he's good. Hard.
SLUTTY GAY #5: Shut up.
ME: Long.
SLUTTY GAY #5: Shut up.
ME: Sweaty.
SLUTTY GAY #5: Shut up.
ME: Dirty. Nasty. Vocal. And it falls slightly to the right...doesn't it?

Now there was applause. Jeremy even laughed a little.

ME: Your boyfriend let me do things to him you're never going to do.
SLUTTY GAY #5: We're moving in together.
ME: NEVER.
SLUTTY GAY #5: He makes me soup when I'm sick!
ME: Well, then give the victory to you. You win. You have him in a relationship. Kudos. I mea, I wouldn't date him. Would any of you?

They all yelled 'No,' but they all would. Right now, they just wanted a show.

ME: I wouldn't date him because I'm not some dumb little twink he can play mind games with and win, but that's just me.
SLUTTY GAY #5: Please stop.

I felt Billy put a hand on my shoulder.

BILLY: Jackson, that's enough.

But I wasn't done.

ME: Does he make you feel special? Does he stroke your cheek and call you beautiful? Does he validate you? Does he satisfy your Daddy issues, your gold-digging nature, and your rapidly deteriorating mental capacity? Or does he just supply the meth?
BILLY: Okay--
ME: Does he make you feel like less of a gumball whore? Twist and pull, and candy pops out? Because he won't date just anyone, right? He's picky. He doesn't just care about having a consistent sex toy when the other booty calls don't text back.
SLUTTY GAY #5: We...talk.
ME: Oh, I'm sure you two have TONS of, like, wicked good conversation.

Now for the knife.

ME: Hey! I still have his number. Maybe I should text him and see how long before he's at my door waiting to be let in.

Carter came rushing in.

CARTER: Guys, let's go. Someone called the police.

Slutty Gay #5 had tears streaming down his face. I just smiled.

ME: The next time you want to say something to my brother, you try saying it to me instead. It should be easy. We look enough alike. Before you do, though, remember this. I fucked your boyfriend. I fucked him for hours, days, whole weekends, eons--and he still sends me cute little texts asking for more.

I turned around and addressed the rest of the club. The ones who turned on the Jeremy and everyone else as soon as the going got rough.

ME: Oh, and I fucked you. And you, too. And your best friend. You, over there, I fucked your ex-boyfriend. And the guy next to you? I fucked him and all of his ex-boyfriends. They said he all sucked in bed. I fucked the guys who won't return your phone calls. I fucked your fantasies. Your wildest dreams. But remember something, I am your nightmare. Because once I've fucked you, that's it. You can say whatever you want about me, but once I've fucked you, really, what does it matter what you say? I've already won. Post that on your little blogs, assholes.

I grabbed Jeremy's arm and headed for the door with Carter and Billy right behind us. It was hard to look at my brother, so instead I just asked--

ME: Anything you want to say?

Silence.

JEREMY: What took you so long?

I'm baaaack.

They Know How to Do It in L.A.

Hi, my name is--

NATHAN:  Ben?

I just got home.

NATHAN:  Thank God, we were worried sick about you.

ME:  Nathan, I...I need to...

NATHAN:  What's wrong?

But I couldn't say it.  It hadn't been that long, but it felt like forever.  Now here I was, at the doorstep of yet another person whose heart I had broken.

And now breaking hearts seemed like nothing compared to what I've done.

Nathan and I went into the living room and sat down.

ME:  I went to California.

NATHAN:  We thought maybe Wilde--

ME:  No, nothing like that.

NATHAN:  Did something happen there?

ME:  It was Taylor...

NATHAN:  I knew that guy was bad news.

ME:  He's dead.

You always mean to say things like that more delicately, but then--

NATHAN:  Dead?

ME:  Nathan--

NATHAN:  What the hell are you talking about?

ME:  I can't tell you what happened.  It's for your own good.

NATHAN:  Fuck, Ben, when did our lives turn into Guiding Light?

ME:  Is that a show?

Nathan stood up and started pacing.

ME:  I know I shouldn't have burdened you with this.

NATHAN:  With what?  You haven't told me--

ME:  And I can't.  We just have to act like nothing happened.

NATHAN:  Are you in trouble?

ME:  Not that I'm aware of, but if I am, it'll only be if I go back to California.  I should be safe here.  That's why I came home.

He looked hurt.

NATHAN:  Not because of...anyone?

ME:  I'm sorry, Nathan.  I'm so sorry for everything.  I promise.  Everything.

On the word 'promise,' I started to cry.  Nathan sat down next to me and I buried my face in his shirt.  The next thing I knew, we were kissing, and then...

Well...

NATHAN:  Promise you'll never leave me again.

ME:  I promise.

But if there's one thing I know now, it's that there really aren't any promises you can keep.

A Little Business Venture

Hi, my name is Davis.

JEREMY:  I'm a shell of a man.

Jeremy didn't get in the school play.

JEREMY:  The musical, Davis.  I didn't get in the musical.

ME:  I'm sorry.  Can't you go be a fairy on your own?  Do you need an accompanist for that?

JEREMY:  Why are you the person destined to be my life-long friend?

ME:  Because we both were awful people in our past lives.

JEREMY:  One of us isn't doing so grand in our current life either.

ME:  Ha ha.

We were sitting at Slice.  It was a rainy Monday.  The perfect kind of day in Providence.

JEREMY:  Can we go do karaoke?  I feel the need to sing 'Some People.'

ME:  Sit tight, Herbie.  Mama's got a deal to seal.

JEREMY:  Are you trying to pimp me out again?

ME:  Considering I couldn't get two fifty for you last time, I don't think so.

JEREMY:  You mean two hundred and fifty dollars, right?

ME:  Sure, let's say that.

That was when my opportunity walked into the bar.

JEREMY:  Skyler?

SKYLER:  Hey Jeremy.

JEREMY:  I didn't think Slice was your kind of place.

SKYLER:  No, but hopefully it will be.

ME:  That's where I come in.

JEREMY:  Okay, now I'm nervous.

I put my arm around Skyler.

ME:  Skyler and I are buying Slice.

JEREMY:  Hahahaha...wait, what?

ME:  I'm going to handle the business.

SKYLER:  And I'm going to make it into the best venue for live bands in Providence.

JEREMY:  You mean aside from Taylor's?

ME:  Better.

JEREMY:  Taylor's is legendary, Davis.

SKYLER:  The legend's in the past.  Slice is going to shut them down.

JEREMY:  Uh, Davis, could I see you for a second?

Jeremy and I went outside.

JEREMY:  Are you sleeping with Skyler?

ME:  No, but I wouldn't say 'No' if he asked.  He's cute.  You should have stuck--

JEREMY:  Not a word.  This is about how you two all of a sudden started working together.

ME:  He approached me with a business plan.  I approved and I'm putting my money where my mouth is.

JEREMY:  Where did you get money from?

ME:  I save.

JEREMY:  Really?  Because you make so much working as a--

ME:  HEY!  We don't talk about where I work.  I'm like Barney Rubble, remember?

A boy's gotta keep some secrets.

JEREMY:  Davis, how much is this costing you?

ME:  A lot.

JEREMY:  Then don't do it.  Now is not the time to be taking large economic risks, don't you think?

ME:  I think you got to spend money to make money.

JEREMY:  Great.  That old adage will serve you well when you interview for a government position.

ME:  Jeremy, have you ever known me to fail?

JEREMY:  There's a first time for everything.

He want back into the bar.  I felt the rain start falling on my face again and I looked up to embrace it.

You see what I do?  I embrace.