Billy's Old Friend

Hi, my name is Billy.

Knock, knock.

VOICE: Oh my God, it's 3am.
ME: I'll get it.
VOICE: On a Tuesday.
ME: Go back to sleep.
VOICE: I could see on a Friday--
ME: It's okay.
VOICE: --Even a Thursday.

Knock, knock.

Strangely enough, I had a feeling I knew who it was.

Word was out that a kid at OSC was asking around about me. I'd been making myself scarce since my return to Rhode Island.

I skipped Fall semester after Jeremy got shot. It was touch-and-go there for awhile, and I decided I couldn't be around if he...

So I moved to Boston for a little bit, and that's when my boyfriend and I got together.

It figures as soon as you start liking the present, the past makes a grand reappearance.

SIMON: Hey.

This is Simon.

We went to high school together, and then he took off to go to school in England.

SIMON: I'm back.

He's back.

ME: Are you still on London time?
SIMON: Huh?
ME: It's 4am.
SIMON: Don't I even get a hug?

I hugged him. It's hard to explain, but it's really difficult to be mad at Simon.

ME: Come on in.
SIMON: I'm not here to bother you. I just didn't know where else to go. I thought I was going to end up sleeping in my car tonight--
ME: What?
SIMON: And then an hour ago somebody at a bar told me you were living here. I think his name was Jackson?
ME: Yeah, that sounds about right.

That means by tomorrow, everybody is going to know I had a guy looking for me at a bar.

Let the rumors begin.

SIMON: I should probably try to find a motel I can stay at until I get everything straightened out.
ME: You're not staying with your family?
SIMON: No. I don't even want them knowing I'm back in town.
ME: Simon, that's not--
SIMON: Billy, you know they wouldn't understand what's going on with me.

He's right.

ME: Well, you can stay here.
SIMON: Really? I wouldn't be imposing?
ME: No, of course not. We've known each other since we were fourteen. You're always welcome.

I heard a throat clear.

We turned to see my boyfriend standing in the doorway of our bedroom.

ME: Right, uh, Simon--

Hopefully he'd understand that I couldn't turn away my old friend.

ME: --this is my boyfriend.

I just had to brief him on a few things once Simon was asleep.

ME: --Ritchie.

Ritchie stepped forward and shook Simon's hand.

RITCHIE: Nice to meet you.

Nathan's Back at School

Hi, my name is Nathan.

VOICE: Hey!

When I turn around, there's a boy with ridiculously long hair staring back at me.

VOICE: You're cute. I'm Patrick.

This is what I get for not transferring.

After getting brainwashed by a group of nutbags from Rhode Island College, my family sent me away to a detox facility in Pasadena.

I hadn't planned on coming back, but I missed most of the application dates for other schools, so now here I am trying to lay low while completing the credits I need to graduate.

It isn't easy avoiding the CBQ's still on-campus. That's how I wound up in an Appreciation of Theater class that only freshman and non-majors take.

PATRICK: Are you single?

And now I'm getting hit on by kids who were in high school last year while I was attempting to kill one of my friends.

ME: I actually just got out of a cult. Sorry.
PATRICK: Sorry? Why sorry? That's hot.

I'm surprised this kid wasn't sleeping with Jackson already.

That was when I noticed my phone vibrating.

TEXT MESSAGE FROM JOEY: Did I see you on the quad earlier?

Dammit, I knew I should have worn bigger sunglasses.

TEXT MESSAGE FROM ME: Yeah, I'm back. It's a secret though, okay?

A few seconds later.

TEXT MESSAGE FROM JOEY: I missed you.

Good to know I still have one friend left in town.

But even Joey's unsure about whether or not it was me who shot Jeremy.

And unfortunately I can't clear anything up for awhile.

Joey's Party

Hi, my name is Joey.

ME: Welcome to our abodee.
HANK: It's pronounced abo-ohd.
ME: Liquor's on the table.
HANK: You should have opened with that.

This is my housewarming party.

Adam and I moved in together a few weeks ago, but we haven't had a chance to get everybody together until now.

Plus, parties with the CBQ's don't usually go over that well.

ADAM: So Davis, how are you liking married life?
DAVIS: Well considering we don't sleep together, it feels exactly like what I thought married life would be.
HANK: Ain't he sweet? He's getting me a wad of cash for our one month anniversary or else I'm letting him die from bad healthcare.
JACKSON: I think my mother said the same thing to my father when they got married.

Okay, so it's not your typical dinner party conversation, but at least nobody had gotten stabbed yet.

BEN: Ouch!
JEREMY: Sorry. The knife just slipped.
ADAM: I've never met someone so accident-prone who doesn't drink.
HANK: Ohhh, he drinks now.

Silence.

It was like we'd all just heard that Santa likes women.

ME: Jeremy, you drink?
JEREMY: Just a little. Here and there.
HANK: And now.
JEREMY: Shut up, Hank.
DAVIS: Are you drunk?
JEREMY: I just had a few--
DAVIS: A few what? Cans of kerosene?

Suddenly everybody was going crazy. It wasn't the first time we've all flipped out over a drunk person, but usually it's not Jeremy.

JEREMY: Guys, I don't feel good.

That was when he threw up on the couch.

BEN: Whoa.

And passed out on the carpet.

ME: Okay, so who's cleaning--

Everybody rushed out. I managed to grab Adam as he ran for the door.

ME: You live here, remember?
ADAM: Okay, but after this, I'm going to need a drink.

I second that.

Jackson's New Leaf

Hi, my name is Jackson.

ME: Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
HANK: You quit drinking?
ME: Oh God no, my new life is definitely going to include drinking.

It's also going to feature me developing an entirely new perception with the general public.

I revealed my plan to Hank, Adam, and Joey in the Fish Bowl before classes started.

ME: Since Jeremy graduated, and I'm still here, I don't have to be the bad twin anymore.
JOEY: So you're not going to gossip, lie, and stab people in the back anymore?
ME: Only at home with my family.
ADAM: You want to meet the new kids before you put away your bitch blazer, Jackson.
ME: They're freshman. How bad can they be?

As if on cue, the door to the Fish Bowl opened and three newbies came right on in.

FRESHMAN #1: Oh hey! Are you guys theater majors?
HANK: Why else would we be in the theater lounge?
ME: Hank, be nice. Sorry guys, he can be a little rude sometimes.
FRESHMAN #2: I like it. He's sassy.
FRESHMAN #3: And cute.
ADAM: Um, he's sitting right here. And so am I--am I not cute?
JOEY: Adam!
ADAM: What?

I decided to handle the introductions.

ME: I'm Jackson, and this is--
FRESHMAN #1: I'm Patrick.
FRESHMAN #2: I'm Jonathan.
FRESHMAN #3: I'm Scott.

Wow, they're not as shy as I was expecting.

PATRICK: We're having a party at the dorms tonight if you guys wanna come.
JOEY: Sorry, but tonight Adam and I are cleaning the bathroom at our apartment.
HANK: Thanks. For a second there, I didn't feel so bad about being single.
ADAM: Hey! It's fun! We have snacks afterwards!
ME: I'm in.

The three freshmen turned and looked at me.

JONATHAN: Um, not to be, you know, but, aren't you a little...
ME: A little what?
PATRICK: Old?

WHAT?!?!

SCOTT: We just wouldn't want you to be uncomfortable, you know?
ME: No, I don't know and--
PATRICK: Sassy should come though.
JONATHAN: Sassy should def come.
SCOTT: High Def TV.
ADAM: That's not an expression.
PATRICK: We're going to grab some lunch at SW.
JOEY: You mean Subway?
PATRICK, JONATHAN, AND SCOTT: Lates!

They all left cackling.

JOEY: Did they mean later?
HANK: I hate them.
ADAM: Me too.
HANK: What about you, old man?
ADAM: Yeah, how's the new leaf?

I couldn't hear them.

My ears were filled with murderous rage.

Ben at the Theater

Hi, my name is Ben.

ME: JBC Theater, how can I help you?

The 'B' stands for Ben, the 'C' stands for Carter since it was his money that helped build the place, and the 'J' stands for--

JEREMY: You're here early.

--my frequently absent partner.

When Carter died, he left Jeremy money with the instruction to do good with it. Since I had already put all my money into a theater, we decided the best thing to do would be to combine forces and create a theater company that focuses on gay issues.

Little did I know just how many gay issues I'd be dealing with once Jeremy decided to turn into his brother, Jackson, and become a total spaz.

ME: I'm actually here on time. You're two hours late.
JEREMY: I really need to get a new clock.
ME: Does it give you the time or just the day of the week?
JEREMY: Very funny.
ME: I know you're a blushing bride now, but--
JEREMY: Actually, there was a change of plans.

I decided to skip Jeremy and Davis' sham wedding since even seeing Jeremy fake marry someone was a little too much for me.

As much as I hate to admit it, I still have feelings for him.

So when he said 'change of plans--'

JEREMY: Turns out my insurance wouldn't cover Davis' treatment, so he married Hank instead.
ME: I can't imagine why the straight people think we'd desecrate the sanctity of message.
JEREMY: We're not disrespecting marriage, just the insurance companies.
ME: So you're still single?
JEREMY: Sort of.
ME: Sort of?
JEREMY: I sort of met a guy last night and I sort of like him.
ME: Did you sort of take his clothing off at any point?
JEREMY: We should get some work done.
ME: Works for me.

We're renting out a little black box space with an office that resembles a closet in a converted factory on the west side.

Over the past seven months, we've mounted a few productions, but haven't been able to make a big enough splash on the local scene.

Admittedly it would be a lot easier if there were someone else in the pool with me splashing instead of sitting by the side of the pool sipping--

--Okay, sorry. I got lost in my own metaphor.

Halfway through our work day, I noticed Jeremy staring off into space.

He does this from time to time. The doctors say he might be experience post-traumatic stress disorder from the shooting, but he says he's 'fine.'

Isn't it funny how 'fine' always means 'not fine at all?'

ME: You okay?
JEREMY: I'm fine.

See?

But then--

JEREMY: You know, maybe now that I'm not going to be a housewife, I can put effort into something more productive.

Hallelujah.

ME: You mean like making sure this theater doesn't fall down all around us?
JEREMY: No.

And then--

JEREMY: Like finding out who shot me.

Davis at the Wedding

Hi, my name is Davis.

ME: Who the hell shows up late for his own wedding?

I'm dying.

HANK: He'll be here.

So to speak.

ME: When he gets here, I'm going to strangle him to death.
HANK: Davis--
ME: AFTER I marry him. I'm going to strangle him to death AFTER I marry him.

Leukemia has made a new man out of me.

For one thing, I feel weak all the time. So to compensate, I've allowed my nasty temper to get nastier.

I'm going to make such a good husband.

ELI: Why did I drive in from New York for this?
HANK: Open bar?
ELI: Ahhh yes. Love.

Hank, Eli, and I were all waiting at the courthouse for my best friend Jeremy to show up so I could marry him and get in on his health benefits.

Gotta love domestic partnership.

Unfortunately, he was running an hour late.

I was about to drive over to his apartment when his car pulled up, and his mother, brother, sister, and some random guy got out.

ME: Who is this?
JEREMY: You mean Paige? Sorry, she insisted on coming.
PAIGE: I made brownies!
ME: I mean random guy?
IVAN: I'm Ivan. I slept with Jeremy last night. Congratulations on getting married.
ME: Couldn't you have waited until we were wed to commit adultery?
JEREMY: You know me, always the impatient one.

Another car pulled up with Adam and Joey.

ME: Great. Everyone's here. Let's get started.
JOAN: Is the bar open yet?
ELI: I second that question?
JACKSON: Just let them say their 'I do's and we can all get smashed.

That was when Jeremy's phone rang.

ME: If that's Katie, tell her I already booked Gaga for the reception. Next time she'll learn to call back faster.

Except Jeremy looked panic-stricken.

ME: What's wrong? I haven't seen that look on your face since you got--
JEREMY: You won't be covered.
ME: What?
JEREMY: Under my insurance. You won't be covered. I had a lawyer working overtime to check, but--
JOAN: That was my wedding present. He'll also be able to do the divorce if you need him to.
JEREMY: --Because you're doing experimental trials, you're not covered even if we were to get married.
VOICE: Mine would.

Everybody turned and looked at Hank.

HANK: I just upped my coverage. It includes pretty much everything--even experimental stuff.
ME: Why did you do that?
HANK: Because of Davis. You never know, right?

Jeremy and I looked at each other, and then at Hank.

That was when I got down on one knee.

ME: Hank, will you marry me?

Part of me was hoping he'd say 'No.'

Jeremy's Morning After

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

VOICE: I think you're wearing my underwear.

This is not the first thing you expect to hear when you wake up in the morning.

I opened my eyes and saw a total stranger--albeit, a very handsome stranger--laying in bed next to me.

Clearly, New Year's Eve was a success.

JEREMY: Uh, do I...know you?
RANDOM GUY: Define 'know.'
JEREMY: How many sentences have we spoken to each other?
RANDOM GUY: Does 'they're in the drawer' count as a sentence?
JEREMY: Ohhh this is bad.

I'd have to get my calendar, but I'm pretty sure 2011 is titled The Year of Bad Decisions.

Knock, knock.

JEREMY: Oh damn.
JACKSON'S VOICE: We're already running late and I still need to stop somewhere and get a third of a bagel for breakfast!
PAIGE'S VOICE: And a gift!
JACKSON'S VOICE: Are you telling me you didn't buy the gift for the wedding yet?
PAIGE'S VOICE: We have time!
JACKSON'S VOICE: The wedding is in an hour!
PAIGE'S VOICE: So we won't wrap it!

I wonder if they remember that the point was to wake me up.

RANDOM GUY: Who are they?
ME: My siblings. Could you hide in the closet please?
RANDOM GUY: Excuse me?
ME: I'm a very private person. I'm not comfortable with them knowing there's a naked boy in my room.
RANDOM GUY: That's funny. You're the first private person I've met who doesn't wear underwear.
ME: I'm wearing--oh right, it's yours.
RANDOM GUY: What's that scar near your belly button? It's hot.

JACKSON: Somebody call an ambulance! He's been shot!

ME: Fishing accident.

After I threw some clothes on and threw the boy in the closet, I went into the kitchen where my family was assembled around the table.

JACKSON: Well if it isn't the little slut.
ME: Who ratted me out?
JOAN: Your bedroom is next to mine, remember dear?
ME: Thanks Mom.
JOAN: You really should get therapy, or get therapy for whomever you brought home last night.
ME: It was New Year's Eve. I got a little...enthusiastic.
PAIGE: Mom says you got enthusiastic three times.
ME: MOM!
JACKSON: This whole family dynamic is very unhealthy.
PAIGE: Luckily, I'm not a part of the family anymore.
JOAN: Oh Paige, please don't make things awkward by speaking the truth.

We found out last year that Paige was adopted. Last year was also the year I started a theater company, found out my best friend has leukemia, and was shot.

Needless to say, the past seven months have involved a lot of recuperation.

JEREMY: Here's hoping this year is free of any drama.
JOAN: I'll drink to that!
JACKSON: Mom, it's eleven in the morning.
JOAN: And that's why we get married in the afternoon. Remember that, children.

Knock, knock.

JEREMY: Is that the limo?
JACKSON: Why? Do you want to have sex in there too?
JEREMY: Shut up, Jackson!

It wasn't the limo. It was--

ADAM and JOEY: You had sex last night.
ME: PAIGE!
PAIGE: I meant to send that text to...myself.

Joey was supposed to move to New York and take Adam with him, but then he had a change of heart when the two of them started dating and now they're moving in together.

JOEY: Shouldn't you be ready to go?
ME: I just need to do something to my hair.
ADAM: I would shave it all off and start from scratch.
JOEY: Do you smell smoke?

I ran into my bedroom and saw smoke coming out of my closet. When I opened the door, Hookup Guy was sitting on my hamper with a cigarette.

RANDOM GUY: Does it bother you that I smoke?
ME: In my closet? Yes.
RANDOM GUY: What's your name by the way? You told me it was Voltaire, but that seems a little too plain for you.
ME: Jeremy. My name is Jeremy.
RANDOM GUY: Hi, my name is Jeremy.
ME: You're Jeremy too?
RANDOM GUY: No, I was just--never mind. I'm Ivan.
ME: Nice to meet you. Now if you could just hang in here until we all leave for the wedding, and then let yourself out, that would be great. I'm assuming you're not going to steal anything, but if you do, then steal it from my brother's room.
IVAN: Who's getting married?
ME: I am.

And I closed the closet door.

That was when the smoke detector went off.

I ran back into the kitchen to find Joey, Adam, and Paige fanning smoke away from the stovetop, which was on fire.

JOAN: I tried to make your brother a bagel.
ME: Tell me you didn't just throw a bagel on the burner.
JOAN: Nooo--I put it on a paper plate first.

Just as the smoke was clearing, I felt a tap on my shoulder.

I turned around to see Jackson with his arm around Ivan.

JACKSON: Everyone! Your attention please! This is Ivan. He was sitting in Jeremy's bedroom closet with no clothes on so I told him to come out and introduce himself.
PAIGE: Ooohhh, he's cute.
JOEY: Adam, stop staring at his--
ADAM: What else is there to stare at?
JACKSON: Apparently, I am not the slut of the family anymore.
ADAM: No, that's still Paige.
PAIGE: Hey! (It's true.)

And that was when I knew I was going to be late for my own wedding.