Hi, my name is Billy.
JEREMY: Hey boyfriend.
I think I know why people have a hard time staying in relationships.
ME: Are you going to call me that forever?
JEREMY: Nope. One day we'll be eighty and you'll be affectionately known as 'Old Boyfriend.'
ME: Cute.
JEREMY: I try.
He is cute. And he's my boyfriend.
And I'm terrified.
Because of television.
JEREMY: I'm going to go check on the quiche.
ME: I didn't know you knew how to make quiche.
JEREMY: Well, if it turns out poorly it's an omelet.
ME: Deal.
We're hanging out at his apartment in his bedroom.
I think he wants tonight to be the night that...things...happen.
JEREMY: So do you want to watch a movie or something?
ME: We could just watch television.
Television--the devil.
And why?
Because television shows always tend to tank once the two characters everybody wants to see become a couple actually become a couple.
No wonder we all have such a hard time maintaining relationships.
We're taught to lose interest after the first kiss.
We love the romance but not the relationship.
We--
JEREMY: Billy?
I was zoning out.
ME: Sorry.
JEREMY: It's--
ME: I don't want to have sex!
JEREMY: Wow, I didn't realize quiche was such a turn-off.
I sat down on his bed.
ME: I just feel like there's all this build-up and--
JEREMY: You're scared we won't live up to the hype?
ME: Aren't you?
Jeremy sat down next to me.
JEREMY: Billy, I waited two years just to be able to call you my boyfriend. I could care less when we have sex.
ME: So you don't want to either?
JEREMY: Oh no, don't get me wrong. I really, really want to.
ME: Haha--
JEREMY: I mean, I really, really, really--
See? He's cute.
But what if we fizzle out?
I fell back on the bed.
ME: I'm afraid we're going to become boring.
JEREMY: Well, a life of celibacy tends to do that to people.
ME: I'm serious!
JEREMY: Who cares if we're interesting?
He kissed me lightly on the lips.
JEREMY: This is the first time in my life where I have never wanted to be anywhere other than where I am.
ME: Jeremy, you spent all this time putting me up on a pedestal. What if I don't live up to that?
JEREMY: Then I'll just dump you and start dating a twenty-two year old girl named Candy.
I hit him, but he grabbed my arm, so I had to swing my legs around and trap him that way.
JEREMY: Ahhh Little Shop of Horrors!
ME: SUBMIT!
JEREMY: NEVER!
We ended up rolling off the bed still locked up like a giant human pretzel.
That's when we saw Jackson in the doorway.
JACKSON: I see the tantric sex is starting already.
Jeremy managed to stand up.
JEREMY: I need to remember to get a lock.
JACKSON: Don't bother. Paige, Mom, and I are going looking for apartments.
VOICE: JACKSON! LET'S GO! I WANT TO LOOK AT THAT PLACE WITH THE HOT TUB!
JACKSON: If she tries it out in front of me, I'll probably throw up in it.
JEREMY: Just put a security deposit down first.
He shut the door. I hopped back up on the bed.
JEREMY: I think the quiche is done.
ME: Would it be okay if we let it turn into an omelet?
JEREMY: Sure, but--
I pulled him onto the bed, and kissed him.
ME: A really burnt omelet.
He laughed, and I started to take off his shirt.
I didn't know if we'd be able to keep our momentum going, but I was sure willing to give it a try.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Nathan's Big Secret
Hi, my name is Nathan.
HANK: How you doing, slugger?
I'm in a wheelchair.
ME: I've been better.
Notice how I didn't say "I'm disable." Only that I'm in a wheelchair.
RITCHIE: Ben must feel so guilty that he was driving the car when the accident happened.
ME: Oh, he feels guilty all right.
After our car crashed into the tree, I couldn't feel my legs. I was in the hospital for a month before they let me out.
I did rehabilitation for another month and then--
HANK: Just don't lose hope. You might walk again.
--A miracle happened.
VOICE: Okay, guys.
Ben popped his head into my bedroom. Ritchie and Hank had been visiting me.
BEN: Time for Nathan to get some rest.
ME: I'm not an invalid, Ben.
BEN: Hey, who's the boyfriend here?
RITCHIE: He's right. We'll go.
HANK: I'll come see you tomorrow.
ME: Thanks.
They left the room. Ben came back a minute later.
BEN: Ready for lights out?
ME: Are you going to sleep in bed with me tonight?
BEN: That's not part of the deal.
ME: The deal can change.
BEN: Not on my watch it can't.
ME: You know, this would be a lot simpler if you just accepted that we're going to be together for a very long time.
BEN: Or until one of us dies. Goodnight.
He hit the light, and shut the door.
That was when I stood up out of the chair, and stretched--which felt amazing.
So I guess your question might be--
When am I telling Ben I can walk?
I guess the answer is--
Once he's back in love with me.
Satisfied?
HANK: How you doing, slugger?
I'm in a wheelchair.
ME: I've been better.
Notice how I didn't say "I'm disable." Only that I'm in a wheelchair.
RITCHIE: Ben must feel so guilty that he was driving the car when the accident happened.
ME: Oh, he feels guilty all right.
After our car crashed into the tree, I couldn't feel my legs. I was in the hospital for a month before they let me out.
I did rehabilitation for another month and then--
HANK: Just don't lose hope. You might walk again.
--A miracle happened.
VOICE: Okay, guys.
Ben popped his head into my bedroom. Ritchie and Hank had been visiting me.
BEN: Time for Nathan to get some rest.
ME: I'm not an invalid, Ben.
BEN: Hey, who's the boyfriend here?
RITCHIE: He's right. We'll go.
HANK: I'll come see you tomorrow.
ME: Thanks.
They left the room. Ben came back a minute later.
BEN: Ready for lights out?
ME: Are you going to sleep in bed with me tonight?
BEN: That's not part of the deal.
ME: The deal can change.
BEN: Not on my watch it can't.
ME: You know, this would be a lot simpler if you just accepted that we're going to be together for a very long time.
BEN: Or until one of us dies. Goodnight.
He hit the light, and shut the door.
That was when I stood up out of the chair, and stretched--which felt amazing.
So I guess your question might be--
When am I telling Ben I can walk?
I guess the answer is--
Once he's back in love with me.
Satisfied?
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Carter Grows Up
Hi, my name is Carter.
LIAM: We're going out tonight.
ME: No, we're not.
I never thought I'd be the one arguing to NOT go out on a Saturday night, but things have changed.
Liam and I have been dating all summer, and I've been working full-time at a restaurant on the east side. The two of us are living together, and sometimes it's good.
ME: I have to work brunch tomorrow.
LIAM: Fine, I understand.
And sometimes it's bad.
LIAM: I'll just go by myself and have sex with some other guy on the dance floor.
Like now.
Liam is just out of high school--and by just out, I mean dropped out. He doesn't do much except for sitting around the apartment and yelling at me.
ME: Liam, why can't we just stay home and enjoy each other's company?
LIAM: Ewww! Are you serious? What would we do?
ME: Talk?
. . . . .
LIAM: Hahahahaha...Sorry I didn't realize that was a joke.
Knock, Knock.
I was little surprised when I answered the door to find Davis and Jeremy there.
ME: Is it my turn to throw a really bad dinner party?
JEREMY: Ugh, don't even bring up that trainwreck with my mother.
DAVIS: Liam called. He said you guys were going out.
VOICE: Change of plans!
Liam pushed past me, and up to the boys.
LIAM: I'm going out. Carter's staying home and sleeping like an old lady.
JEREMY: Oh well--
LIAM: And you boys are coming with me.
JEREMY: I don't think we could--
DAVIS: Speak for yourself, Kit Kat. Daddy needs a drink. Lead the way, Jailbait.
Davis and Liam disappeared down the hall.
JEREMY: I can hang out here with you if you want, Carter.
ME: No, it's okay.
He didn't even kiss me good-bye.
JEREMY: You could always dump him, you know.
ME: But I love him, Jeremeee.
Jeremy gave me a hug, then said--
JEREMY: Growing up sucks, huh?
I nodded.
All I could think of was him making out with someone on the dance floor.
Hmm...
Maybe Liam and I need couples' counseling.
LIAM: We're going out tonight.
ME: No, we're not.
I never thought I'd be the one arguing to NOT go out on a Saturday night, but things have changed.
Liam and I have been dating all summer, and I've been working full-time at a restaurant on the east side. The two of us are living together, and sometimes it's good.
ME: I have to work brunch tomorrow.
LIAM: Fine, I understand.
And sometimes it's bad.
LIAM: I'll just go by myself and have sex with some other guy on the dance floor.
Like now.
Liam is just out of high school--and by just out, I mean dropped out. He doesn't do much except for sitting around the apartment and yelling at me.
ME: Liam, why can't we just stay home and enjoy each other's company?
LIAM: Ewww! Are you serious? What would we do?
ME: Talk?
. . . . .
LIAM: Hahahahaha...Sorry I didn't realize that was a joke.
Knock, Knock.
I was little surprised when I answered the door to find Davis and Jeremy there.
ME: Is it my turn to throw a really bad dinner party?
JEREMY: Ugh, don't even bring up that trainwreck with my mother.
DAVIS: Liam called. He said you guys were going out.
VOICE: Change of plans!
Liam pushed past me, and up to the boys.
LIAM: I'm going out. Carter's staying home and sleeping like an old lady.
JEREMY: Oh well--
LIAM: And you boys are coming with me.
JEREMY: I don't think we could--
DAVIS: Speak for yourself, Kit Kat. Daddy needs a drink. Lead the way, Jailbait.
Davis and Liam disappeared down the hall.
JEREMY: I can hang out here with you if you want, Carter.
ME: No, it's okay.
He didn't even kiss me good-bye.
JEREMY: You could always dump him, you know.
ME: But I love him, Jeremeee.
Jeremy gave me a hug, then said--
JEREMY: Growing up sucks, huh?
I nodded.
All I could think of was him making out with someone on the dance floor.
Hmm...
Maybe Liam and I need couples' counseling.
Jackson's Mother
Hi, my name is Jackson.
JOAN: Isn't it nice that we're all here together as a family?
I'm contemplating matricide.
My mother has been staying with my sister, Paige, and I all summer. Now that our brother Jeremy was back, we had planned to form a united front to get her to go home, but Jeremy wasn't seeing things our way.
JEREMY: If we send her home, Chris could flip out over the money she stole and get rid of her!
. . . . .
PAIGE, ME: And?
We had arranged to have dinner and kick our mother out at our apartment. Billy and Hank were invited since they now had the unfortunate distinction of dating me and Jeremy, and Paige invited her new best friend--
CARTER: Guyyyyys, I'm hungry.
I sprayed Carter with the hose from the sink.
CARTER: Heyyy!
ME: Go back to your pen and wait for us to feed you.
He sulked out of the kitchen.
JEREMY: I'm sorry, you two, but I'm not sending our mother back to a madman.
PAIGE: Fine, but she is NOT staying here. She's been stealing my birth control pills trying to get a high off of them.
ME: You mean to tell me the barren wasteland is taking birth control? That's like throwing water down a well.
JEREMY: Into the dining room! Let's get this over with...
Part of me was giddy.
Oh hell, all of me was giddy.
Breaking bad news to my mother is the closest I ever come to true joy.
JOAN: So Hank, how are you and Jackson?
HANK: Well, we still kind of hate each other, but the sex is fantastic.
JEREMY: HANK!
JOAN: I used to say the same thing about your father, Jackson. May he rest in peace.
PAIGE: Mom, Dad's not dead. He just left and never came back.
JOAN: His spirit is dead, Paige. Wherever he is, he's walking around with a dead spirit clinging to his fat body.
JACKSON: There's probably a twenty-year-old girl named Cindy clinging to him, too.
JOAN: THAT'S NOT FUNNY, JACKSON!
She slammed her hand down on the table and a fork went flying into Billy's shoulder.
Instantly, there was chaos.
BILLY: It's okay! I don't think it broke the skin.
HANK: Is that blood?
BILLY: I'M PASSING OUT! I'M PASSING OUT!
ME: No, you're not! Otherwise you wouldn't be yelling it!
PAIGE: Get him on the couch!
JOAN: Not while he's bleeding! I'll put down some newspaper!
ME: You're not helping, Mom.
JOAN: Well, what can I do to help?
JEREMY: YOU CAN MOVE OUT!
We all stopped and looked at Jeremy.
JOAN: What?
JEREMY: I'm sorry, Mom, but you need to move out. This just isn't working.
JOAN: I see.
That was when she walked back over to the table and started throwing forks at the rest of us--and some knives.
Mostly knives.
JOAN: Isn't it nice that we're all here together as a family?
I'm contemplating matricide.
My mother has been staying with my sister, Paige, and I all summer. Now that our brother Jeremy was back, we had planned to form a united front to get her to go home, but Jeremy wasn't seeing things our way.
JEREMY: If we send her home, Chris could flip out over the money she stole and get rid of her!
. . . . .
PAIGE, ME: And?
We had arranged to have dinner and kick our mother out at our apartment. Billy and Hank were invited since they now had the unfortunate distinction of dating me and Jeremy, and Paige invited her new best friend--
CARTER: Guyyyyys, I'm hungry.
I sprayed Carter with the hose from the sink.
CARTER: Heyyy!
ME: Go back to your pen and wait for us to feed you.
He sulked out of the kitchen.
JEREMY: I'm sorry, you two, but I'm not sending our mother back to a madman.
PAIGE: Fine, but she is NOT staying here. She's been stealing my birth control pills trying to get a high off of them.
ME: You mean to tell me the barren wasteland is taking birth control? That's like throwing water down a well.
JEREMY: Into the dining room! Let's get this over with...
Part of me was giddy.
Oh hell, all of me was giddy.
Breaking bad news to my mother is the closest I ever come to true joy.
JOAN: So Hank, how are you and Jackson?
HANK: Well, we still kind of hate each other, but the sex is fantastic.
JEREMY: HANK!
JOAN: I used to say the same thing about your father, Jackson. May he rest in peace.
PAIGE: Mom, Dad's not dead. He just left and never came back.
JOAN: His spirit is dead, Paige. Wherever he is, he's walking around with a dead spirit clinging to his fat body.
JACKSON: There's probably a twenty-year-old girl named Cindy clinging to him, too.
JOAN: THAT'S NOT FUNNY, JACKSON!
She slammed her hand down on the table and a fork went flying into Billy's shoulder.
Instantly, there was chaos.
BILLY: It's okay! I don't think it broke the skin.
HANK: Is that blood?
BILLY: I'M PASSING OUT! I'M PASSING OUT!
ME: No, you're not! Otherwise you wouldn't be yelling it!
PAIGE: Get him on the couch!
JOAN: Not while he's bleeding! I'll put down some newspaper!
ME: You're not helping, Mom.
JOAN: Well, what can I do to help?
JEREMY: YOU CAN MOVE OUT!
We all stopped and looked at Jeremy.
JOAN: What?
JEREMY: I'm sorry, Mom, but you need to move out. This just isn't working.
JOAN: I see.
That was when she walked back over to the table and started throwing forks at the rest of us--and some knives.
Mostly knives.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Ben's Ball and Chain
Hi, my name is Ben.
NATHAN: Can you fix my tie?
This is my ball and chain.
NATHAN: I haven't seen these people all summer. I'd like to look presentable.
Otherwise known as Nathan.
We spent most of our summer at a theater in the Midwest and the rest of it--
NATHAN: Why do you look so nervous?
--Well, we'll get to that.
ME: I don't think this is right.
NATHAN: Well, I'm not great at tying ties--
ME: No, I mean, us pretending to be a couple. We already did this once and it blew up in our face.
NATHAN: This time is different.
ME: How?
NATHAN: This time we mean it. We are a couple, Ben. We're a team.
ME: Except one of us really, really wants to trade to another team.
NATHAN: You want to start dating women?
ME: Ha ha.
He smiled at me.
NATHAN: Ben, you can break up with me anytime you want. Although I can't imagine many people would want to date the jerk who broke up with a--
That was when the door to Jeremy and Jackson's apartment opened.
CARTER: Heyyy! Welcome--Ah!
Nathan wheeled past Carter into the living room where we were met with more gasps.
Seriously, who gasps anymore?
JEREMY: Nathan, uh--
JACKSON: What--
HANK: Are you--
BILLY: Is this--
Nathan laughed.
NATHAN: What's the matter?
He threw me a glance.
NATHAN: Never seen a guy in a wheelchair before?
Leave it to Nathan to turn a car crash into something useful.
NATHAN: Can you fix my tie?
This is my ball and chain.
NATHAN: I haven't seen these people all summer. I'd like to look presentable.
Otherwise known as Nathan.
We spent most of our summer at a theater in the Midwest and the rest of it--
NATHAN: Why do you look so nervous?
--Well, we'll get to that.
ME: I don't think this is right.
NATHAN: Well, I'm not great at tying ties--
ME: No, I mean, us pretending to be a couple. We already did this once and it blew up in our face.
NATHAN: This time is different.
ME: How?
NATHAN: This time we mean it. We are a couple, Ben. We're a team.
ME: Except one of us really, really wants to trade to another team.
NATHAN: You want to start dating women?
ME: Ha ha.
He smiled at me.
NATHAN: Ben, you can break up with me anytime you want. Although I can't imagine many people would want to date the jerk who broke up with a--
That was when the door to Jeremy and Jackson's apartment opened.
CARTER: Heyyy! Welcome--Ah!
Nathan wheeled past Carter into the living room where we were met with more gasps.
Seriously, who gasps anymore?
JEREMY: Nathan, uh--
JACKSON: What--
HANK: Are you--
BILLY: Is this--
Nathan laughed.
NATHAN: What's the matter?
He threw me a glance.
NATHAN: Never seen a guy in a wheelchair before?
Leave it to Nathan to turn a car crash into something useful.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Rich Man, Poor Davis
Hi, my name is Davis.
TRAVIS: Are you coming back to bed?
This is my new boyfriend--Travis.
ME: I'll be right there.
TRAVIS: And put on those diamond briefs I bought you.
He's rich.
TRAVIS: And rip up twenty dollars for fun.
Very rich.
I was a little tired after spending all day in the hospital with Jeremy and his family. His twin brother, Jackson, one of my former flames, was rushed to the hospital after suffering a panic attack most likely brought on by the presence of the super-demon known as his mother, Joan.
After all that, I was thrilled to be staying over Travis' place--especially since his "place" is the penthouse at the Westin.
Ring, Ring.
I would have let it go to voicemail, but it came up--
"BITCHY RITCHIE"
--And I hadn't heard from him all summer.
TRAVIS: Davis?
ME: One second!
Hopefully he didn't want to cash in any of his friendly benefits. I don't have anything against hooking up with Ritchie, but Travis made it very clear that threeways aren't his thing.
TRAVIS: You're mine, only mine. If I ever find you with another man, both you and he are going to merge into the same body--extra limbs and all.
I thought he was joking until he stared at me for a solid minute without blinking.
Hey, nobody said it was easy living the good life. Remember how long Mariah was with that Italian gangster? Those were the "Emotions" years. She should have sucked it up and kept giving him the biscotti.
ME: Hello Ritchie.
RITCHIE: Hello stranger.
ME: Why am I the stranger?
RITCHIE: Because you haven't returned any of my calls.
ME: That's weird. This is the first one I've gotten from you.
RITCHIE: And this isn't even--
ME: My primary cell number, yeah. I left this one in Providence when I went with Jeremy to Florida.
RITCHIE: How did that go?
ME: Terribly. He and Billy are together and happy.
RITCHIE: God, that does sound awful.
Come to think of it, I hadn't gotten any phone calls in Florida...
I hadn't gotten any calls in awhile...
...Which, considering who I am, is downright alarming.
ME: So what have you been up to?
RITCHIE: Well, I have a dead person living in my guest bedroom.
ME: That's nice. Hey, I'm going to go. Travis is laying in bed waiting for me to help him pick out which country he wants to rent for the weekend. We're leaning towards Luxembourg.
There was an uncomfortable pause. I felt the turtle swim by...
RITCHIE: Davis, I know you got Travis' phone number out of my black book--
ME: Come on, Ritchie, all's fair in love and lucrative finances.
RITCHIE: I'm not angry. Actually, I'm more concerned.
ME: Concerned?
RITCHIE: Travis is insane.
Here we go. I knew he wasn't going to let me have Travis without trying to sabotage it. Ritchie hates being outplayed.
ME: Since when are you ever concerned about me?
RITCHIE: Davis, friends may come and go, but good fuck buddies who come over at 3am and leave before the sun comes up are a rare breed. I don't want to lose you.
ME: Well, I'm sorry, but you already have. John Davis was a free man for a long time, but now I'm off the market and I'm behaving.
RITCHIE: I meant 'lose you' as in 'lose you into a river while you're wearing a garbage bag.'
VOICE: JOHN!
I know I'm in trouble when he calls me 'John.'
ME: Gotta go.
I turned around to see Travis standing a few feet from me.
TRAVIS: Who were you talking to?
ME: Ritchie.
TRAVIS: Where did you get that phone?
ME: Um, it's my back-up.
TRAVIS: I wasn't aware you had a back-up.
ME: Yeah, and it's a good thing I do because my main one--
That was when I realized what was going on.
ME: Travis, did you do something to my phone?
TRAVIS: If by something you mean I'm having the incoming calls monitored, then yeah, I did a little something.
ME: Uh, that's not okay at all.
Travis walked up to me and put his hand firmly on my cheek.
TRAVIS: I want to make sure I know everything that's going on in your life.
ME: But--
TRAVIS: You're not Davis the Whore of Providence anymore.
ME: Actually, I was called the King--
TRAVIS: You're my boyfriend. Mine. That means nobody else comes near you or--
He took the phone and threw it against the wall.
TRAVIS: --Calls you.
ME: Travis--
TRAVIS: That includes Ritchie and those CBQ's. You're done with them. Do you understand?
Though I can usually handle myself in a fight, I've seen the black belt in Travis' karate belt room on the east side of the penthouse--and I know when I'm beat.
ME: I understand.
TRAVIS: Good.
He kissed me--hard.
TRAVIS: Now get that little ass into my bed. It's time we expanded your horizons.
As he walked away, I knew this little arrangement was over.
I was going to have to leave him.
Things were getting a little too Ike and Tina around here.
TRAVIS: Are you coming back to bed?
This is my new boyfriend--Travis.
ME: I'll be right there.
TRAVIS: And put on those diamond briefs I bought you.
He's rich.
TRAVIS: And rip up twenty dollars for fun.
Very rich.
I was a little tired after spending all day in the hospital with Jeremy and his family. His twin brother, Jackson, one of my former flames, was rushed to the hospital after suffering a panic attack most likely brought on by the presence of the super-demon known as his mother, Joan.
After all that, I was thrilled to be staying over Travis' place--especially since his "place" is the penthouse at the Westin.
Ring, Ring.
I would have let it go to voicemail, but it came up--
"BITCHY RITCHIE"
--And I hadn't heard from him all summer.
TRAVIS: Davis?
ME: One second!
Hopefully he didn't want to cash in any of his friendly benefits. I don't have anything against hooking up with Ritchie, but Travis made it very clear that threeways aren't his thing.
TRAVIS: You're mine, only mine. If I ever find you with another man, both you and he are going to merge into the same body--extra limbs and all.
I thought he was joking until he stared at me for a solid minute without blinking.
Hey, nobody said it was easy living the good life. Remember how long Mariah was with that Italian gangster? Those were the "Emotions" years. She should have sucked it up and kept giving him the biscotti.
ME: Hello Ritchie.
RITCHIE: Hello stranger.
ME: Why am I the stranger?
RITCHIE: Because you haven't returned any of my calls.
ME: That's weird. This is the first one I've gotten from you.
RITCHIE: And this isn't even--
ME: My primary cell number, yeah. I left this one in Providence when I went with Jeremy to Florida.
RITCHIE: How did that go?
ME: Terribly. He and Billy are together and happy.
RITCHIE: God, that does sound awful.
Come to think of it, I hadn't gotten any phone calls in Florida...
I hadn't gotten any calls in awhile...
...Which, considering who I am, is downright alarming.
ME: So what have you been up to?
RITCHIE: Well, I have a dead person living in my guest bedroom.
ME: That's nice. Hey, I'm going to go. Travis is laying in bed waiting for me to help him pick out which country he wants to rent for the weekend. We're leaning towards Luxembourg.
There was an uncomfortable pause. I felt the turtle swim by...
RITCHIE: Davis, I know you got Travis' phone number out of my black book--
ME: Come on, Ritchie, all's fair in love and lucrative finances.
RITCHIE: I'm not angry. Actually, I'm more concerned.
ME: Concerned?
RITCHIE: Travis is insane.
Here we go. I knew he wasn't going to let me have Travis without trying to sabotage it. Ritchie hates being outplayed.
ME: Since when are you ever concerned about me?
RITCHIE: Davis, friends may come and go, but good fuck buddies who come over at 3am and leave before the sun comes up are a rare breed. I don't want to lose you.
ME: Well, I'm sorry, but you already have. John Davis was a free man for a long time, but now I'm off the market and I'm behaving.
RITCHIE: I meant 'lose you' as in 'lose you into a river while you're wearing a garbage bag.'
VOICE: JOHN!
I know I'm in trouble when he calls me 'John.'
ME: Gotta go.
I turned around to see Travis standing a few feet from me.
TRAVIS: Who were you talking to?
ME: Ritchie.
TRAVIS: Where did you get that phone?
ME: Um, it's my back-up.
TRAVIS: I wasn't aware you had a back-up.
ME: Yeah, and it's a good thing I do because my main one--
That was when I realized what was going on.
ME: Travis, did you do something to my phone?
TRAVIS: If by something you mean I'm having the incoming calls monitored, then yeah, I did a little something.
ME: Uh, that's not okay at all.
Travis walked up to me and put his hand firmly on my cheek.
TRAVIS: I want to make sure I know everything that's going on in your life.
ME: But--
TRAVIS: You're not Davis the Whore of Providence anymore.
ME: Actually, I was called the King--
TRAVIS: You're my boyfriend. Mine. That means nobody else comes near you or--
He took the phone and threw it against the wall.
TRAVIS: --Calls you.
ME: Travis--
TRAVIS: That includes Ritchie and those CBQ's. You're done with them. Do you understand?
Though I can usually handle myself in a fight, I've seen the black belt in Travis' karate belt room on the east side of the penthouse--and I know when I'm beat.
ME: I understand.
TRAVIS: Good.
He kissed me--hard.
TRAVIS: Now get that little ass into my bed. It's time we expanded your horizons.
As he walked away, I knew this little arrangement was over.
I was going to have to leave him.
Things were getting a little too Ike and Tina around here.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Jeremy's Big Surprise
Hi, my name is Jeremy.
PAIGE: You're home!
I'm home.
Home is an apartment I share with my little sister, Paige, and my twin brother--
JACKSON: You're home!
Jackson, or The Bad One, as our elementary school teachers referred to him.
PAIGE: What happened to you swooping down to Florida to stop Billy from getting married?
VOICE: Turns out he wasn't getting married.
That voice belongs to--
DAVIS: He was rehearsing a scene when we called. In the scene he was--
ME: Getting married. I really should have called back.
VOICE: He really, really should have called back.
That voice belongs to my boyfriend.
BILLY: You should have seen them.
-- July 2009 --
Davis and I made it to the theater just as Billy was putting the ring on some girl's finger.
ME: Wait, is that a girl?
DAVIS: The little fucker turned on us.
ME: That doesn't make any--
But Davis was already through the door, up on the stage, and tackling Billy to the ground.
-- September 2009 --
BILLY: It didn't even occur to them to wonder why I'd be getting married in a theater.
ME: Personally, I think it's romantic. That's how I want us to get married.
We were all sitting in the living room. Davis was making himself something to eat in the kitchen. Paige and Jackson looked nervous for some reason.
ME: Hey, did something happen while I was gone?
JACKSON: Um...I'm sleeping with Hank now.
ME: Hmm, unsettling, but definitely not traumatizing enough to make you two look like deer in headlights.
Paige giggled--never a good sign.
BILLY: Is it the Wilde blog? Carter e-mailed me and told me it was back.
PAIGE: Actually, it's great now. You can tell it's run by a much smarter and cuter girl--I mean, person.
ME: Uh...huh.
That was when I heard a crash come from the kitchen.
ME: Davis? Are you okay?
Davis walked out of the kitchen looking like he'd seen a ghost.
DAVIS: Why didn't you tell me your mother was here?
I immediately jumped off the couch and began to scan the room for a crucifix.
ME: Why is she still here?
PAIGE: We can't send her back.
ME: Did you lose the receipt?
JACKSON: Crazy Stepdad Chris is looking for her. She stole his money.
ME: Yeah, to give to you after you hopped her up on pills!
DAVIS: She walked into the kitchen wearing a robe. I think I saw boob.
ALL: Ewww!
I grabbed one of my suitcases.
ME: Come on, Billy, we're leaving. You are not meeting my--
VOICE: Darling!
Good old Mom. Always did know how to make an entrance. I hear Great White Sharks have the same skill.
JOAN: Are you surprised?
ME: Terribly, terribly, terribly surprised, Mom.
JOAN: I spent all summer with your brother and sister, but I couldn't leave without getting just as much time with you!
JACKSON: Luckily, Autumn is much shorter season.
JOAN: SHUT UP, JACKSON!
She threw a glass against the wall. There was a silence.
JOAN: He always was the Bad One.
Knock, Knock.
DAVIS: I'll get it.
BILLY: Davis, you don't live here.
DAVIS: Yeah, but I'm leaving anyway.
JOAN: Oh! Don't let me scare you away, Davis!
JACKSON: She said something similar to the old priest right before he flew out the window.
Davis opened the door and there was Hank.
HANK: Is she here?
DAVIS: Yup.
HANK: I'm leaving.
DAVIS: Me, too.
HANK: Hey Jeremy! Let's catch up later!
ME: I hate you!
DAVIS: Bye buddy!
ME: I hate you both!
Mom sat down on the couch in between me and Billy.
JOAN: Sooo, who is THIS young man?
JACKSON: Billy, tell her you don't speak English. Then she'll hire you to clean our floors, but she won't say a word to you.
JOAN: DAMMIT, JACKSON!
I leaned back and Billy followed my lead.
ME: How would you feel about moving back to Florida?
BILLY: She's got her hand on my knee and I think it's made of solid ice.
JOAN: Now, now. No secrets from Mommy!
That was when Jackson fell over.
Literally.
PAIGE: Jackson!
JOAN: So dramatic.
BILLY: Um, he's not breathing.
ME: Paige, call 9-1-1.
I leaned over my brother's face--a face very similar to mine--which made it all the more creepy when he said:
"If anything happens to me, Mom did it."
And then he passed out.
JOAN: Is an ambulance really necessary? It's probably just a temper tantrum. God, I should have given at least one of you away to a barren couple somewhere. Two children who look the same is so unnecessary.
What a way to start the year.
PAIGE: You're home!
I'm home.
Home is an apartment I share with my little sister, Paige, and my twin brother--
JACKSON: You're home!
Jackson, or The Bad One, as our elementary school teachers referred to him.
PAIGE: What happened to you swooping down to Florida to stop Billy from getting married?
VOICE: Turns out he wasn't getting married.
That voice belongs to--
DAVIS: He was rehearsing a scene when we called. In the scene he was--
ME: Getting married. I really should have called back.
VOICE: He really, really should have called back.
That voice belongs to my boyfriend.
BILLY: You should have seen them.
-- July 2009 --
Davis and I made it to the theater just as Billy was putting the ring on some girl's finger.
ME: Wait, is that a girl?
DAVIS: The little fucker turned on us.
ME: That doesn't make any--
But Davis was already through the door, up on the stage, and tackling Billy to the ground.
-- September 2009 --
BILLY: It didn't even occur to them to wonder why I'd be getting married in a theater.
ME: Personally, I think it's romantic. That's how I want us to get married.
We were all sitting in the living room. Davis was making himself something to eat in the kitchen. Paige and Jackson looked nervous for some reason.
ME: Hey, did something happen while I was gone?
JACKSON: Um...I'm sleeping with Hank now.
ME: Hmm, unsettling, but definitely not traumatizing enough to make you two look like deer in headlights.
Paige giggled--never a good sign.
BILLY: Is it the Wilde blog? Carter e-mailed me and told me it was back.
PAIGE: Actually, it's great now. You can tell it's run by a much smarter and cuter girl--I mean, person.
ME: Uh...huh.
That was when I heard a crash come from the kitchen.
ME: Davis? Are you okay?
Davis walked out of the kitchen looking like he'd seen a ghost.
DAVIS: Why didn't you tell me your mother was here?
I immediately jumped off the couch and began to scan the room for a crucifix.
ME: Why is she still here?
PAIGE: We can't send her back.
ME: Did you lose the receipt?
JACKSON: Crazy Stepdad Chris is looking for her. She stole his money.
ME: Yeah, to give to you after you hopped her up on pills!
DAVIS: She walked into the kitchen wearing a robe. I think I saw boob.
ALL: Ewww!
I grabbed one of my suitcases.
ME: Come on, Billy, we're leaving. You are not meeting my--
VOICE: Darling!
Good old Mom. Always did know how to make an entrance. I hear Great White Sharks have the same skill.
JOAN: Are you surprised?
ME: Terribly, terribly, terribly surprised, Mom.
JOAN: I spent all summer with your brother and sister, but I couldn't leave without getting just as much time with you!
JACKSON: Luckily, Autumn is much shorter season.
JOAN: SHUT UP, JACKSON!
She threw a glass against the wall. There was a silence.
JOAN: He always was the Bad One.
Knock, Knock.
DAVIS: I'll get it.
BILLY: Davis, you don't live here.
DAVIS: Yeah, but I'm leaving anyway.
JOAN: Oh! Don't let me scare you away, Davis!
JACKSON: She said something similar to the old priest right before he flew out the window.
Davis opened the door and there was Hank.
HANK: Is she here?
DAVIS: Yup.
HANK: I'm leaving.
DAVIS: Me, too.
HANK: Hey Jeremy! Let's catch up later!
ME: I hate you!
DAVIS: Bye buddy!
ME: I hate you both!
Mom sat down on the couch in between me and Billy.
JOAN: Sooo, who is THIS young man?
JACKSON: Billy, tell her you don't speak English. Then she'll hire you to clean our floors, but she won't say a word to you.
JOAN: DAMMIT, JACKSON!
I leaned back and Billy followed my lead.
ME: How would you feel about moving back to Florida?
BILLY: She's got her hand on my knee and I think it's made of solid ice.
JOAN: Now, now. No secrets from Mommy!
That was when Jackson fell over.
Literally.
PAIGE: Jackson!
JOAN: So dramatic.
BILLY: Um, he's not breathing.
ME: Paige, call 9-1-1.
I leaned over my brother's face--a face very similar to mine--which made it all the more creepy when he said:
"If anything happens to me, Mom did it."
And then he passed out.
JOAN: Is an ambulance really necessary? It's probably just a temper tantrum. God, I should have given at least one of you away to a barren couple somewhere. Two children who look the same is so unnecessary.
What a way to start the year.
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