A Serious Actor

Hi, my name is Eli.

ME: That is bullshit!

I am rip-themotherfucking-shit right now.

That is because Billy, like a toolkit, gave up his role in Pirates, a role which I was clearly second in line for, meaning I should have gotten it, and instead Murray gave it to Ben.

I need...to breathe.

Although this may seem a little tacky, the person I was in the fish bowl bitching to about all of this was Billy. I couldn't find anyone else.

ME: I mean, it was ridiculous that I didn't get that role in the first place--no offense.
BILLY: Yeah, none taken.
ME: I mean, he gives it to someone completely underqualified, and then that person shows how underqualified they are--no offense.
BILLY: None taken.
ME: And THEN he gives it to another person whose underqualified. W...T...Motherfucking...F?

That was when Jeremy came in.

JEREMY: What the hell were you thinking?
ME: I know, I should have tossed some gel in my hair this morning, but--
JEREMY: Not you. I'm dead to you, remember?
ME: Yeah, well, now I have bigger fish to fry.
JEREMY: Billy, what--
BILLY: I didn't want the role. I'm not ready for it. Eli thinks so too.
ME: 'S true.
JEREMY: Don't be ridiculous. Why did you give it up? You know you can do it.
BILLY: It doesn't matter.

He got up to leave but Jeremy stood in his way.

JEREMY: It does matter. You really wanted that role.
ME: Um, I deserved the role. Does nobody see where the injustice lies here?
JEREMY: Billy, why--
ME: Keyword: Deserved.
BILLY: YOU DIDN'T DESERVE THE ROLE!

Silence.

Dead...

...Silence.

ME: Wow. Harsh.
BILLY: No, what I mean is, you weren't second in line to the role. If you had been, I wouldn't have even--

He stopped.

JEREMY: What were you just going to say?
BILLY: Nothing.
ME: Did you know I wasn't next in line?
BILLY: Maybe.
JEREMY: How?
BILLY: I overheard Murray and Patrick--

--The choreographer--

BILLY: --Talking after dance class, and they said Ben had done an amazing job and that if I hadn't done so well in the dance audition he would have gotten the role.

Oh...nooooo.

JEREMY: So you gave up the role so Ben could have it?
BILLY: I just didn't want it. It wasn't so Ben could have it.
JEREMY: You're lying.
ME: This is unbelievable!
JEREMY: You bet it is.
ME: I DID WAY BETTER IN THE DANCE AUDITION THAN YOU!

Jeremy just scoffed and pulled Billy out into the hallway, but I could still hear them.

BILLY: Jeremy, just let it go.
JEREMY: You gave up the role because you and Ben broke up and this was your way of--what?--getting him back by showing him how much you're willing to sacrifice for him? Are you serious?
BILLY: It was my decision.
JEREMY: It was a bad one.
BILLY: Fine. It was a bad one. But it was still mine. Maybe if you ever actually get a boyfriend you'll understand what it takes to keep them.
JEREMY: You don't have a boyfriend. You don't have a boyfriend, or a role, or your dignity. You have nothing. And most or least of all, however you want to look at it, you don't have my respect anymore or my adoration.
BILLY: Well thank God for small favors.
JEREMY: You shouldn't even be doing theater. You're not an actor. No serious actor would give up a role for some boy. You just made what you do a hobby. Go declare a communications major. I'll see you at rehearsal.

And SNAP! He walked away leaving Billy just standing there. I would have stewed in fish bowl for awhile longer, but I decided to take a page out of Jeremy's playbook--I went to Murray's house.

After I rang the doorbell, it took a few seconds and then Murray appeared.

MURRAY: Oh no.

I could hear his partner Steve in the background.

STEVE: Who is it Murray?
MURRAY: One of my students.
STEVE: Is it the one who ran over the mailbox?
MURRAY: No.
STEVE: Tell him to go away, Murray. Our lawn is already ruined!
MURRAY: What do you need, Eli?

Deep...breath.

ME: Why wasn't I second choice for the Police Sergeant?
MURRAY: You don't want to know.
ME: Um, I really do.
MURRAY: Trust me, you don't.
ME: Murray, tell me!
MURRAY: You can't play it straight.
ME: What?
MURRAY: When you did the dance, you were too feminine, but Patrick and I were too chicken to tell you because we know you don't think you're gay and we didn't want you to be angry. Face it, Eli, until you come out, you're never going to be able to be a serious actor.

Then he shut the door.

And I peed on his lawn.

For real.

Honestly, would a gay guy do that? Clearly not.

I showed him who the serious actor was.

This Means War

Hi, my name is Brad John.

JEREMY: ...And then I told him I was moving out.

My friends are crazy.

ME: Are you serious?
JEREMY: BJ, I can't live in that loft with those two always there and pretend like I think their relationship is something other than the mess that it is.
ME: But why is it your problem?
JEREMY: Because Davis is my best friend. I've had to stick up for him for years. It's like I'm his publicist or something. He does something wrong and I have to hold a press conference and clean up for him. Well, you know what, I'm not doing that anymore.

I was trying to be attentive, but it was a few minutes before my voice lesson and I was super-nervous.

Voice Teacher McCreamy was in a lesson with some other student, but soon he would be all mine.

JEREMY: ...Really difficult.
ME: Yup.
JEREMY: You're not listening to a word I'm saying, are you?
ME: I'm sorry, Jeremy. I'm just nervous about McCreamy.
JEREMY: Could we please not refer to him as McCreamy?

Then the door to the practice room opened and the love of my life walked out...with Ben.

ME: Gasp!
JEREMY: Did you mean to actually gasp and instead you just said--
ME: What the--

But I shut up pretty fast. They were only down the hall from us. I got up and walked towards them.

BEN: Thank you so much for helping me. Now that I got a lead role in the musical I really want my voice to be in top shape.
MCCREAMY: No problem at all, Ben. I'm glad to have such a talented student. Oh Hank, how's it going?
ME: Good thank you.
MCCREAMY: I'm just going to run to my car and then I'll be right back. Ben gave me quite a workout today.
ME: I bet he did.

McCreamy laughed and then exited through the stairwell. I could feel Jeremy behind me, which was good since I planned on flattening this bitch like a pancake.

JEREMY: Ben, what do you mean you got a lead in the musical?
BEN: Billy gave up his role, and Murray asked me to fill in.
JEREMY: What?
BEN: Yeah, so I'm the Police Sergeant now.
JEREMY: Um, I need to go find Billy. Hank, you can handle this?
ME: Oh, I'm fine, Jer. Go do what you gotta do.
JEREMY: Thanks. Good luck, Ben. BJ, aim for the spleen.

He took off.

BEN: What's he talking about?
ME: Listen skank, stay away from my man?
BEN: Oh my God, you like Billy too? Listen, we broke up. You want him, you got him.
ME: Not Billy. I don't do twinkies. Stay away from McCreamy.
BEN: Who?
ME: VOICE TEACHER MCCREAMY!
BEN: Ew, he's a teacher. Relax.
ME: I know you. With your extra lessons, and you're 'Thanks for helping me with my oral technique.'
BEN: Look Hank--
ME: No, you look, and by the way, I changed my name to--
BEN: Whatever. Why don't you come out of the closet and then develop a crush, okay?

That's when he tried walking away, and I yanked on the back of his shirt pulling him down onto the ground and knocking the wind out of him.

ME: Hey Ben, why don't you try not pulling that shit you pull on Jeremy with me? Because I'll work you like a crossword puzzle on a Sunday afternoon.

I put my foot down on his chest.

ME: Do we understand each other?

He nodded while still trying to catch his breath. Voice Teacher McCreamy appeared in the stairwell.

MCCREAMY: Oh my God, is everything all right?

He helped Ben up. I tried to look inconspicuous.

ME: Oh Ben, clumsy clumsy Ben.
MCCREAMY: Ben, are you okay?
BEN: Yeah...I'm...fine...
ME: He just got a little ahead of himself.
BEN: Actually...I...was...wondering...if I could...set up another...lesson...for tomorrow morning?
MCCREAMY: Um, sure, wy?

And this was when he looked right at me.

BEN: I...suddenly...feel...like...I want...to brush up...on my...oral technique.
MCCREAMY: Sure. I just have to bump Hank to ten then. Is that okay, Hank?
ME: Sure, no problem.

That was when I knew it was on.

Mending Fences

Hi, my name is Joey.

JEREMY: Oh Joey, you're here.

I need to do some damage control.

Ever since Bart took off, and until I find a roommate for my apartment, I've been spending a lot of time at Davis'. At first, I was really mad at him for sleeping with Ritchie, but then I realized I really couldn't be. I mean, he was sort of doing it to keep what we had hidden, which was for my benefit.

Also, Ritchie's a manipulative little jerkface.

My real problem at the moment is patching things up with Jeremy. He's been acting funny around me since Bart showed up at his apartment and told all.

So today, after Davis left for work, I decided to make him breakfast.

ME: Jeremy, how many pancakes do you want?
JEREMY: I'm not really into pancakes, thanks.
ME: I've seen you eat pancakes before.
JEREMY: So, I'm just not into pancakes today thanks.
ME: How about toast?
JEREMY: Nah.
ME: Scrambled eggs?
JEREMY: No thanks.
ME: Poached with hollandais sauce?
JEREMY: I'm just going to make myself some cereal.
ME: I could help.
JEREMY: What are you going to do? Pour the milk?
ME: Can you just please forgive me?

That finally made him look at me.

JEREMY: Forgive you for what?
ME: I don't know. I don't know what I did wrong. I mean, I know what I did wrong but I don't know what I did to you.
JEREMY: Nothing. You didn't do anything to me.
ME: So why have you been treating me like I have the plague?
JEREMY: You're sleeping with Davis. You could have any number of things.
ME: I know you might not like what happened with Bart, but--
JEREMY: Might not like?
ME: Yeah, well--
JEREMY: MIGHT NOT LIKE? Joey, you cheated on someone. Do you understand that? You're a cheater.
ME: I...it's complicated...it's more complicated than--
JEREMY: No, it's really not. You cheated on someone and I don't want to be friends with a cheater. Is that clear enough for you?

He grabbed his murse and moved to the door but I blocked him with my frying pan full of semi-poached/semi-scrambled eggs.

ME: That is not fair. You don't know everything that happened. And you certainly don't seem to be boycotting Davis.
JEREMY: It wasn't Davis' job to make sure guys with boyfriends don't drop their pants for him.
ME: OH PLEASE, JEREMY! Come down off the pulpit for a second. Did you or did you not kiss me--
JEREMY: You kissed me! And I didn't say anything because Ritchie had me thinking you were in love with me or something.
ME: And you believed that?

Oh no...

JEREMY: Why wouldn't I?
ME: Because...I mean...
JEREMY: Oh, because you would never love me. That's right. That would just be foolish. Thinking you would leave Bart for someone like me. No, you'd only do that for a guy whose sexual exploits when listed look like the S section of the Yellow Pages!
ME: Jeremy--
JEREMY: Move the frying pan, Joey! I'm running late.
ME: I love having you as a friend. I don't want to lose you.
JEREMY: Too late.
ME: Why?
JEREMY: Because I go to the mat for my friends, Joey. I defend them no matter what. And yes, with Davis, that's been very difficult, because he is not always the easiest guy to stick up for. But it wasn't his job to go to Bart and say, 'Sorry, this isn't working.' That was all you had to do. Just break it off. And from that point on nobody on any pulpit would have been able to judge you. Instead you acted selfishly and you hurt and humiliated someone who didn't deserve it, and no amount of gay boy 'I did it for love' rationalizing is going to change that.
ME: I never said I loved Davis.
JEREMY: Good, because he sure as hell doesn't love you. You're going to be gone as soon as the next big deal comes along. So I wouldn't spend too much time memorizing where we keep the frying pans.
ME: Now that's--
JEREMY: I have to be able to stand by my friends. To look at what they do and say 'Yes, I support that.' I can't do that with you. I can't be the friend of someone who would do something like what you did. It was the wrong thing, and you don't even feel bad about it.
ME: How do you know that?
JEREMY: Do you feel bad about it?
ME: No!

Wow, I really don't. Does that make me a bad person?

ME: Does that make me a bad person?
JEREMY: You figure it out.

He turned to go, but I blocked him again just as the door opened and Davis came in knocking me forward which ended up spilling all the eggs over Jeremy's shirt.

DAVIS: Whoa!
JEREMY: Ugh! Terrific! Now I'm really going to be late.
ME: Jeremy, I'm sorry.
DAVIS: What's going on?

Jeremy started walking towards his room.

DAVIS: Jeremy, what is it?

He turned.

JEREMY: When I get back from class today--he better not be here. From this point on, your little thing that you two have, isn't going to happen in this apartment.
DAVIS: It's my apartment too.
ME: Davis, don't--
JEREMY: Fine. Then it won't be mine anymore. I'll be out by the end of the month.

Then into the room and--

SLAM

ME: I made breakfast.

When You Date Ben

Hi, my name is Billy.

BEN: There are some things you should know.

I am dating Ben.

When you date Ben, you make compromises.

BEN: You really want to see that movie? Cause honestly, I don't.

They're your compromises that you choose to make. Ben doesn't force you to do anything. He does, however, say things like--

BEN: I mean, you can still go, but I'll just go home then.

--and--

BEN: Or maybe hang out with this kid I talked to online last night.

When you date Ben, you're not allowed to get angry.

BEN: We're not really dating.

Because you're not really dating.

BEN: I don't want to make this a big deal.

When you date Ben, you can't really have Ben.

BEN: I hate when you try to be affectionate in public.

You have to keep in mind that people are watching.

BEN: Marissa is so hot. Don't you think she's hot?

When you date Ben, you're constantly reminded this his sexuality is something flexible. It could change at any moment.

BEN: See, I still think girls are hot. This is why I'm not quick to label myself, because what if--

When you date Ben, there are a lot of "what if"s.

BEN: Can we not cuddle? I'm not into cuddling.

When you date Ben, everything is formal.

BEN: I'm not into that lovey-dovey stuff.

Strict.

BEN: It's just not me.

Rigid.

BEN: That's okay, right?

Because if it's not--

BEN: If it's not--

You're gone.

BEN: Then we should think about this.

When you date Ben, a relationship is "this."

BEN: This has gotten kind of weird.

A relationship is "this thing."

BEN: This thing between us, it's just starting to freak me out.

Love is sex.
Guilt is necessary to achieve love which is sex.
Identity is tied into guilt which is necessary to achieve love which is sex.

When you date Ben, you're playing with those little Russian dolls that start big and then get smaller and smaller and smaller as you go deeper.

BEN: I mean, we're going to be doing a show together. I don't like to date people I'm in shows with because it makes things complicated.

When you date Ben, you have to avoid complication, emotion, devotion, causing a commotion--

BEN: I could be on Broadway tomorrow. No problem.

When you date Ben, you have to nod your head and smile a lot.

BEN: Don't you think?

Nod.
Smile.
Die a little.

When you date Ben, you know one day it'll all end, and that day will be sooner rather than later.

BEN: This just isn't working out.

When you date Ben, you watch him go back and forth.

BEN: I love you.

Then--

BEN: I don't know how I feel.

One day--

BEN: Don't leave me, okay?

The next day--

BEN: You're smothering me.

When you date Ben, you're expected to be--

BEN: I like straight-acting guys.

Straight-acting.

BEN: I like your hair shorter.

Cut your hair.

BEN: That shirt makes you look stupid.

Change your shirt.

And the truth is, one day you're getting dropped off in front of your dorm and it's--

BEN: So, let's just let this go, okay?

And you're saying okay.
And he drives away.
And you go back in your room.
And you lay on your bed.

And suddenly--

You're not dating Ben anymore.

The Cast List

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

ELI: Guys!

Everything is about to change.

ELI: The cast list is up.

Okay, maybe not everything--forgive me for being dramatic.

We--and by "we" I mean myself, Jeremy, Joey, Ben, Billy, Hank, and Carter--were all sitting in the on-campus cafe eating a late dinner after spending hours upon end in the fish bowl waiting for this very moment.

The callbacks happened last night, and I think it was the most most competitive I've ever felt auditioning for a show--after all, this is my senior year.

Before Eli could even say "list" we were all up out of our seats and rushing out of the cafe towards the theater building.

Somehow Jeremy managed to get there first--I think the fact that he's scrawny makes him more aerodynamic--but we were all right behind him.

JEREMY: Oh my God.
RITCHIE: What? What is it?
JEREMY: Marshall got the lead.
RITCHIE: WHAT???
BEN: That's got to be a mistake.

For once, Ben had to be right. It had to be wrong. All wrong.

But there it was--

PIRATE KING.........................Marshall McDermott

Kill me. Someone. Please. Make this hell end.

BEN: No!
ME: What? What else? Did he cast Tori Spelling in something?
BILLY: Wow.

And then I saw--

POLICE SERGEANT.............William Mitchell.

CARTER: Whose William Mitchell?
BILLY: I am.
ELI: Ben, did you get Frederick?
BEN: No.

The coup de grace.

FREDERICK...........................Carter James

And now the awkward moment.

Let's review the situation shall we?

The leads--two freshman and a music major. Standing around them? Some very, very bitter people.

BILLY: That's such a...a...
ME: Travesty?
HANK: At least you got in.
ME: That's like saying 'At least you got on the plane BEFORE IT CRASHED!'
JEREMY: Ritchie! Stop. Congratulations Bil--
ME: Oh no! No, no, no. I will not be cordial. I will not be civil. This is bullshit. This my last year. MY LAST YEAR! Marshall can't be a pirate! He can barely be a man! And he's not even a theater major! It means nothing to him!
BILLY: Ritchie--
ME: And you! You can barely sing!
BILLY: What?
JEREMY: Enough, Ritchie.
BILLY: I mean, I guess it's a step up from Carter who can barely speak lines convincingly.
CARTER: You don't know me!

I took the cast list down off the wall.

JEREMY: Ritchie, what are you doing?
CARTER: Hey! I still have to initial that.

Then I did something that might seem crazy.

Okay, it's just plain crazy.

I ripped up the list. I ripped it up into little pieces. Tiny, small pieces...that I then proceeded to swallow.

BILLY: What are you doing?
BEN: Are you swallowing the cast list?
JEREMY: And quite enthusiastically.
HANK: This bitch has gone crazy.

I don't know why I did it. It just seemed...appropriate...I guess.

ME: It seems apropo.
BILLY: It's actually apropos.
ME: What?
BILLY: Apropos. It's French.
ELI: When have you ever heard somebody say appropos?
BILLY: That's what it is. I don't need to hear somebody say it.
CARTER: Guys, I'm the lead in a musical!
ME: I need something else to swallow!
JEREMY: Don't look at me.

Without saying another word, I ran out of the building. I could hear Jeremy calling behind me, but I didn't stop. I knew what I had to do.

I got into my car and drove a few streets down to where I knew Murray lived. Then I walked up the steps to his front door and rang the bell.

A few moments later, he appeared in the doorway.

ME: Hello Murray.
MURRAY: Ritchie, it's late. If this is about the cast list--
ME: It's my last year, Murray.
MURRAY: I realize that--
ME: My LAST year. This is it. This is all I have.
MURRAY: I'm sure in the future--
ME: Forget the future! I recently lost my f**k buddy. Everyone in the department hates me. I'm catty. I'm rude. I'm marginally talented. But this was something that was going to be mine, and you took it from me, and I want it back.
MURRAY: Ritchie, I'm sorry.
ME: Don't tell me you're sorry. Just tell me I can have the role. A lead. Something! Give me something!
MURRAY: You're in the ensemble.
ME: What?
MURRAY: You're in--
ME: Did you just say ensemble to me? ENSEMBLE???

I didn't want to hear any more. I got into my car and ran over his mailbox. Before I could even stop myself, I drove up on his lawn, did a little donut, and then took off throwing as much crap out of my car window and onto his lawn as I could.

Let him call the police. If there's one actor on that jury, there's no way I'll be convicted.

Does It Matter?

Hi, my name is Carter.

MARSHALL: You have such beautiful eyes.

I'm in love.

With a boy.

Marshall is a music major that I've been hanging out with for the past week. We've been to dinner, the movies, and even his house. He always pays, which is cool, even though I tell him he doesn't have to.

MARSHALL: I want to.

He wants to.

MARSHALL: I'm so touched that I'm the first person you've wanted to explore your sexuality with.

I don't really know what that means, but I'm glad it makes him happy.

Today we walked around the east side and I gave him a kiss on the cheek. It might sound stupid, but that was a really big deal for me.

I decided that I was going to tell everyone that Marshall and I are boyfriends...even though I don't like labels so much.

Everyone has been sitting in the lounge all day waiting for the callback list to go up. When I got there, Murray had just put it up and then went inside the blackbox for class to begin. The fish bowl was packed with people talking about the list.

RITCHIE: Wow.
JEREMY: Wow what?
RITCHIE: I didn't get called back for the Modern Major General.
JEREMY: Ritchie, you got called back for every other role.
RITCHIE: But not the Modern Major General. Should I ask him if I can sing for that?
JEREMY: You're absolutely ridiculous.

I saw my name on the list under "Dancing." I was really excited. Eli, Joey, and Billy were on the list with me. Eli even got a callback for the Police Sergeant. Ben got called back for Frederick.

Hank's name wasn't on the list.

ME: I'm sorry you didn't make it, Hank.
HANK: Bite me, toolkit.

He got up and walked out.

ME: Did I say the wrong thing?
BEN: The trick is not to say anything.
ELI: Guys, oh my God, guess who is on the list?
JEREMY: From your tone, I'm guessing someone who shouldn't be?
ELI: Marshall.
BEN: Marshall the Music Major?
RITCHIE: Ewww, he's gross.
BILLY: That skin.
JOEY: His walk.
BEN: He's so gay.
JEREMY: No, really?
BEN: I mean more gay than is necessary.
ELI: And so f**king bitchy. I can't stand that.
RITCHIE: And who dresses him? Toys 'R Us?

I left the room. What was I going to do? I really love Marshall, like sooo much, but...

Jeremy found me a few minutes later upstairs in the faculty bathroom trying to sort things out.

JEREMY: Carter, what are you doing in here?
ME: I come in here sometimes to think. What are you doing here?
JEREMY: I come in here sometimes because it's cleaner than the student bathrooms.
ME: Oh...
JEREMY: What's wrong?
ME: Jeremy, what would you do if you loved someone but all of your friends didn't like him...her...or...it?
JEREMY: First off, I hope I would never be dating an 'it.' Secondly, do you mean the catty little bitches downstairs? Those friends?
ME: Yeah.
JEREMY: Carter, come with me.

He took me by the hand and led me downstairs. We sat on the staircase and looked at all the guys talking in the fish bowl.

JEREMY: Carter, one of those guys was recently blackmailing a man to have sex with him. The other cheated on his boyfriend and broke his heart so badly he disappeared. Two are carrying on a secret relationship, while one of them is still in the closet. And then there's Eli.

Wow, he was right. They really were all bitchy queens.

JEREMY: Now, don't get me wrong. I love all of them...in my own way...maybe not Ben so much, but that's not the point. The point is, as gay men we have enough people giving us a hard time about who we love, we don't need to make it any worse for each other. I think if you've found someone, if or if not that someone happens to be a boy, that you should be happy and not let anybody else ruin that for you. Especially not a group of people that messed up and superficial--present company included.

He was right. I needed to love Marshall and not worry about what other people thought of him.

We went back into the fish bowl just as people were starting to file into class. Then something occurred to me.

ME: Hey Jeremy, can I ask you about something else?
JEREMY: Sure.
ME: Who is the secret couple you were talking about?
JEREMY: Oh, well, I guess it isn't even much of a secret. It's Billy and Ben.
ME: What? Ben? Like my roommate Ben?
JEREMY: Yeah. He's a big homo, surprise. C'mon, we have class.

My roommate is gay?

Why hasn't he tried to sleep with me?

What's Billy have that I don't?

MARSHALL: Hey!

I turned around to see Marshall in the door of the fish bowl. I realized that everyone else was already in class.

MARSHALL: Did you see? We're probably going to be in a show together!
ME: That's great, Marshall. I gotta go.
MARSHALL: Wait! Do you still want to hang out tonight?
ME: Um...nooo. I think I want to spend some time getting to know my roommate a little better.
MARSHALL: Oh, okay.
ME: Talk to you later. Stay fresh homie.

Yeah, I don't know. I think I'm kind of over him.

Meh.

Maybe I'm not into boys after all.

Nice to Meet You, Cal

Hi, my name is Cal.

RUFUS: Cal...

My boyfriend is still sleeping. He has the day off today from work. Lucky guy. I have to head to school and try to interact with my fellow theater majors.

Up until now, I've managed to avoid meeting any of them. But Rufus made a point last night right before we went to sleep. He said I should try to actually experience college, and I'm inclined to agree with him.

So today I will embrace my major.

RITCHIE: Well, Jeremy, if I'm such a f**king pariah, then why don't you throw holy water on me and compel the devil from my soul!

I might have picked a bad day.

From an outside perspective, it seems the only way to get inside the theater department is through the fish bowl--the nickname for the lounge where all the majors hang out. Of course, I had to try doing this on the most stressful day of the year--the day of the musical auditions.

Ocean State College's theater department only does one musical a year, and there are about--two hundred theater majors--and Maury, the director tends to pick shows with about five roles in them.

You do the math.

Today, however, the musical only seemed to be adding to a quasi-domestic battle between some of the gay boys. They were all swimming around the fish bowl verbally jabbing at each other when I ducked in.

JEREMY: So, when you were pushing me towards Joey--
JOEY: Pushing?
RITCHIE: Pushing is a relative term.
JOEY: You were pushing him towards me?
JEREMY: Was that so that you could have Davis all to yourself?
RITCHIE: Hey, I didn't ask him to kiss you.
JEREMY: Good point. But you're not off the hook yet. Why did you kiss me, Joey?
JOEY: It's none of your business.
HANK: It's none of his business that you kissed him?
RITCHIE: Stay out of this, Hank.
HANK: I'd love to, but I keep walking on people having sex with each other!

Just then four more guys walked in with a girl I recognized from one of my theater classes.

CLAIRE: Are you guys psyched for auditions?
ALL: No.
CLAIRE: C'mon, guys, it's going to be my last show. Do we all have to fight?
ALL: Yes.
BEN: Can anyone help me plunk out my song?
JOEY: What are you singing?
BEN: 'I Stole My Love from Another.'
JEREMY: How appropo.
BEN: Oh, just get over it, Jeremy.
HANK: Homo says what?
ELI: What?
CARTER: Who?
BILLY: Oh dear God...

They all started fighting again until Claire screamed--

CLAIRE: GUYS!

Then they all stopped and looked at her, and she happened to be looking at me.

CLAIRE: Cal's going to think you're all nuts.
RITCHIE: Who the hell is Cal?
ME: I am, actually.
JEREMY: Nice to meet you, Cal. Oh, do you know everyone?
RITCHIE: He might not know that Ben is a homosexual.
BEN: You son-of-a-bitch!

Ben started chasing Ritchie around the fish bowl knocking over a table and a plant.

These people are out of their minds.

I went home that night to find Rufus still in bed. It was so nice to come home to a nice, peaceful house after dealing with those lunatics.

RUFUS: Honey, you forgot--
ME: Shut up, bitch.
RUFUS: Yes, master.
ME: I'll undo the ropes when you learn to behave like a obedient disciple.
RUFUS: Yes, oh god, yes.
ME: There is no god. I am God.
RUFUS: Yes, yes, YES! WHIP ME, MY LORD!

Ah, no place like home.