If I Told You

Hi, my name is Billy.

JEREMY: So what did we learn tonight?

I learned that I'm destined to never get through a night on the town without a disaster striking me in some way.

We were all at the IHOP eating...pancakes, duh.

Jeremy, Ben, Nathan, Ritchie, and I had all decided to talk things out.

BEN: I want you back.
ME: That's not going to happen.
JEREMY, NATHAN: Hallelujah.
BEN: Shut up, you two!
RITCHIE: You know I leave for five minutes and all hell breaks loose.
JEREMY: That little tape of yours didn't help. Why aren't you on tour?
RITCHIE: I was, but then I got fired.
ME: Are you serious?
RITCHIE: Apparently sleeping with the choreographer when he's dating the director is not a good idea.

Nathan started to cry.

BEN: Jesus...
NATHAN: Please don't leave me!
ME: Nathan, you sound pathetic.
NATHAN: The only reason you don't want him back anymore is because you've got other options!
ME: What other options do I have?
NATHAN: Carter.
RITCHIE: Carter?
ME: Carter is not an option.
RITCHIE: You and Carter are--
JEREMY: Yes.
ME: No! We are not! Nor will we ever be!
RITCHIE: But did you?
JEREMY: Yes.
ME: No, well, yes, but--
JEREMY: I have to go. I have to talk to Davis.
ME: Oh my God! You're always running to Davis! Why don't you just get that you two are not meant to be together?

There was a silence...

Well, as much silence as you're going to get in an IHOP.

Jeremy picked up his maple syrup, and poured it into my lap.

ME: I guess I deserved that.
JEREMY: You deserve way more than that.

He looked at Ben.

JEREMY: But then again, what you deserve has never seemed to matter to you much.

He walked away. I was going to go after him but I felt Ben pull me back.

BEN: I'm not letting you walk out on me.
ME: Are you kidding me?
NATHAN: God, you're so lucky.
ME: Oh yeah, Nathan, I'm really lucky.

I could feel myself getting angrier and angrier and...

ME: I'll never have my first kiss again. Ever. He took it. I can't get it back. The first time a guy ever touched me. The first time a guy ever said 'I love you.' It's all tainted by the fact that he said it. None of it counts when a few weeks later he turns around and leaves you because a better deal came along and he already proved his point to anyone who doubted whether or not he could convince the sweet, likeable kid that he wasn't the dick people said he was. And now I'm different. He's the same. He kept everything he had, but I can't be the sweet, likeable kid again. I can't hear 'I love you' again for the first time. But in a way, I guess I'm lucky. Better that it happened now so that I'm not stupid enough to fall for it when another guy like him comes along again.

And I walked out on them.

But I only got as far as my car before I stopped and forced myself to take a breath.

VOICE: Hey.

I turned around, and Jeremy was standing there.

ME: Hey.
JEREMY: Sorry about the maple syrup.
ME: It's okay.
JEREMY: I just...it's hard to hear you shoot down me and Davis like that when...
ME: When what?
JEREMY: When he's the first guy I've liked as much as I liked you.
ME: But he's your best friend.
JEREMY: Yeah...I'm not sure what you do when your soulmate might be your friend rather than more than that. I mean, how can I ask someone to accept that my 'one' can never be them?
ME: I'd be okay with it, as long as I knew you were never going to sleep with him.
JEREMY: Well hopefully I find someone as understanding as you.

He came over and leaned against my car with me.

JEREMY: I heard what you said in there to Ben. It hit me right before I walked out the door.
ME: Kind of melodramatic, huh?
JEREMY: More sad than anything, but also not completely true.
ME: I'm pretty sure Ben was my first boy kiss--unless you count my Donatello the Ninja Turtle action figure.
JEREMY: Billy, your first kiss overall doesn't really matter. Every time you kiss someone it's like the first kiss. You don't know if it's going to be good, or great, or awful, or passionate, or sweet--if they're going to bite your lip, or slip you the tongue, or run their hand across the side of your face, or pull away slowly like they're scared you'll disappear. You can get that feeling every time--I do.
ME: But the first is--
JEREMY: Yes, it's the first--chronologically. But who cares? My first kiss was lousy too.
ME: And you're okay with that?
JEREMY: Of course I am. It was the first. Who ever does anything right their first time?

He smiled, and I smiled.

ME: I love you.

...Honest to God, I thought I said it in my head. I didn't realize I hadn't until he said--

JEREMY: What?

Then I knew there was no going back.