Hi, my name is Adam.
JOEY: What would you think about us getting married?
Haven't we been through this before?
ME: Joey, we're not even dating. You're just staying here until you can get your own place. This isn't even a permanent set-up for me. You think I plan on living at the Westin forever?
JOEY: Why not? The lobby's so nice.
ME: Because eventually I'm going back to New York.
JOEY: Now you sound like Jeremy.
ME: The difference is, I belong in New York. Jeremy belongs here among you domestics.
I knew rescuing Joey from his sister wife life was going to end up coming back to kick me in the--
JOEY: Can we at least have sex?
ME: Normally, I'd say 'Yes' but I find you have a strange hold on me when sex is involved.
JOEY: I know, that was kind of the point.
ME: Do you have any internal monologue at all?
JOEY: You mean like for auditions?
Knock, knock.
ME: Hold that thought--or don't.
Jeremy decided to pop in for a visit.
JEREMY: How are we going to find out whether Billy actually had an affair with Bart?
ME: Why do we care?
JOEY: I hope it wasn't while Bart and I were dating.
ME: We don't even know if it's true. And even if it is, let Nathan figure it out. It's his husband that's in jail.
JEREMY: What about the truth? What about the fact that Bart tried to kill all of us and Billy might have had something to do with that?
ME: You used to love Billy. Do you really think he's capable of that?
JEREMY: I don't know. I don't any of these people anymore!
He motioned to Joey.
JOEY: Trust me, I haven't changed.
ME: Trust me, he hasn't.
Jeremy sat down on the edge of the bed.
JEREMY: Even Ben is guilty or Billy is. Either way, someone I used to care a lot about has become a very bad person. I want to know which one it is.
JOEY: Why? Are you going to try to get back with one of them?
From the look on Jeremy's face, I already knew the answer.
And I knew which one he wanted back.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Let's Make a Deal
Hi, my name is Ben.
PAUL: Have a seat, Ben.
I'm not the biggest fan of Paul, but anything that gets me out of the cell is fine by me.
ME: Paul, please, you have to get me out of here.
PAUL: Well, that's what I'm here to talk to you about.
ME: You finally figured out that I didn't know anything about what Bart was going to do? Because Nathan actually just found out that Billy--
PAUL: Nathan is what I'm here to talk to you about.
Uh oh.
I've learned, over time, that whenever anybody wants to talk to me about my husband, it's not because they're his biggest fan.
ME: What about Nathan?
PAUL: We think he may have been involved with Bart.
ME: So first you think I'm involved with Bart and now Nathan--
PAUL: We don't necessarily believe you were involved with Bart.
ME: Then why am I here?
PAUL: We thought that initially, but we've since believed that you may have been framed.
ME: Framed by who?
Silence.
ME: Nathan?
Is he saying my husband framed me?
PAUL: I'm saying your husband framed you.
Is that even--
Oh what am I saying?
I'm married to Nathan.
ME: Why am I still here if you think I've been framed?
PAUL: Because we don't know that for sure. You'd have to help us prove it.
ME: And how would I do that?
PAUL: Well, there's really only one way.
And then the drop--
PAUL: We need you to help us get Nathan.
They want to swap me for my husband.
PAUL: Have a seat, Ben.
I'm not the biggest fan of Paul, but anything that gets me out of the cell is fine by me.
ME: Paul, please, you have to get me out of here.
PAUL: Well, that's what I'm here to talk to you about.
ME: You finally figured out that I didn't know anything about what Bart was going to do? Because Nathan actually just found out that Billy--
PAUL: Nathan is what I'm here to talk to you about.
Uh oh.
I've learned, over time, that whenever anybody wants to talk to me about my husband, it's not because they're his biggest fan.
ME: What about Nathan?
PAUL: We think he may have been involved with Bart.
ME: So first you think I'm involved with Bart and now Nathan--
PAUL: We don't necessarily believe you were involved with Bart.
ME: Then why am I here?
PAUL: We thought that initially, but we've since believed that you may have been framed.
ME: Framed by who?
Silence.
ME: Nathan?
Is he saying my husband framed me?
PAUL: I'm saying your husband framed you.
Is that even--
Oh what am I saying?
I'm married to Nathan.
ME: Why am I still here if you think I've been framed?
PAUL: Because we don't know that for sure. You'd have to help us prove it.
ME: And how would I do that?
PAUL: Well, there's really only one way.
And then the drop--
PAUL: We need you to help us get Nathan.
They want to swap me for my husband.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Gay-ttractive
Hi, my name is Davis.
ME: Gay-ttractive isn't a word.
This is what happens during my advisory meetings.
LIAM: It will be.
ME: It won't be.
LIAM: It will be.
ME: Jeremy?
JEREMY: Not a chance.
ME: And he's a writer.
Jeremy and I were summoned to Liam's office so he could talk about the new "We <3 Prov" campaign.
LIAM: Everyone loves the CBQ's.
ME: Except us. How ironic.
LIAM: I want to make the ten of you the new faces of 'We <3 Prov.'
JEREMY: No way.
ME: I don't even like Providence.
JEREMY: You're the Mayor!
ME: It beats being a citizen.
Liam unrolled a poster with all our faces on it.
ME: It would be more realistic if we were all choking each other.
LIAM: That's the second poster.
JEREMY: I don't see the point of this.
LIAM: Who wouldn't want to live in the city with the ten of you?
JEREMY: Me for one thing.
ME: Yeah. Why are you still here?
Jeremy looked taken aback by the question.
ME: Not that I'm not glad, but--
LIAM: People love celebrities. That's why everyone lives in New York, L.A.--
ME: Twin Peaks.
JEREMY: That's not an actual place.
LIAM: We can make Providence a hotspot. People will flock here.
JEREMY: People aren't going to move somewhere just because their favorite tv characters live there. It's not like they're guaranteed to run into us. I barely go out anymore.
ME: I only leave the house in a limo. I haven't seen the public in years.
JEREMY: Again--you're the Mayor.
ME: It's not that I don't appreciate their votes. I just don't want to interact with them.
Liam cleared his throat.
LIAM: We need to change the way people see this city. That means all of you need to make yourselves more...
JEREMY: Cheap?
ME: Not possible.
JEREMY: You want us to walk around signing autographs like this is Disney World and we're the talking mice?
LIAM: Exactly.
JEREMY: This may get Davis reelected, and it may make Providence more gay-ttractive--
ME: Still not a thing.
JEREMY: But what do the rest of us get out of it?
At this, Liam leaned across his desk and looked Jeremy right in the eye.
LIAM: You get to be a hometown hero, and if you tell me that doesn't appeal to you at all, then I'm going to tell you that you're full of shit. This place means something to you, Jeremy. Maybe that's not the case with everyone else, but it is with you. You love it here. That's why you keep getting pulled back to Providence even though you keep telling everybody you want to leave. You're here for a reason, and maybe you will move on eventually, but for now you're here. So as long as you're here, you may as well make yourself useful.
I looked at Jeremy. He looked at me. Then he looked at the poster.
JEREMY: I should be the one farthest to the left.
I have to remember to give Liam a raise.
ME: Gay-ttractive isn't a word.
This is what happens during my advisory meetings.
LIAM: It will be.
ME: It won't be.
LIAM: It will be.
ME: Jeremy?
JEREMY: Not a chance.
ME: And he's a writer.
Jeremy and I were summoned to Liam's office so he could talk about the new "We <3 Prov" campaign.
LIAM: Everyone loves the CBQ's.
ME: Except us. How ironic.
LIAM: I want to make the ten of you the new faces of 'We <3 Prov.'
JEREMY: No way.
ME: I don't even like Providence.
JEREMY: You're the Mayor!
ME: It beats being a citizen.
Liam unrolled a poster with all our faces on it.
ME: It would be more realistic if we were all choking each other.
LIAM: That's the second poster.
JEREMY: I don't see the point of this.
LIAM: Who wouldn't want to live in the city with the ten of you?
JEREMY: Me for one thing.
ME: Yeah. Why are you still here?
Jeremy looked taken aback by the question.
ME: Not that I'm not glad, but--
LIAM: People love celebrities. That's why everyone lives in New York, L.A.--
ME: Twin Peaks.
JEREMY: That's not an actual place.
LIAM: We can make Providence a hotspot. People will flock here.
JEREMY: People aren't going to move somewhere just because their favorite tv characters live there. It's not like they're guaranteed to run into us. I barely go out anymore.
ME: I only leave the house in a limo. I haven't seen the public in years.
JEREMY: Again--you're the Mayor.
ME: It's not that I don't appreciate their votes. I just don't want to interact with them.
Liam cleared his throat.
LIAM: We need to change the way people see this city. That means all of you need to make yourselves more...
JEREMY: Cheap?
ME: Not possible.
JEREMY: You want us to walk around signing autographs like this is Disney World and we're the talking mice?
LIAM: Exactly.
JEREMY: This may get Davis reelected, and it may make Providence more gay-ttractive--
ME: Still not a thing.
JEREMY: But what do the rest of us get out of it?
At this, Liam leaned across his desk and looked Jeremy right in the eye.
LIAM: You get to be a hometown hero, and if you tell me that doesn't appeal to you at all, then I'm going to tell you that you're full of shit. This place means something to you, Jeremy. Maybe that's not the case with everyone else, but it is with you. You love it here. That's why you keep getting pulled back to Providence even though you keep telling everybody you want to leave. You're here for a reason, and maybe you will move on eventually, but for now you're here. So as long as you're here, you may as well make yourself useful.
I looked at Jeremy. He looked at me. Then he looked at the poster.
JEREMY: I should be the one farthest to the left.
I have to remember to give Liam a raise.
Stay Right Where You Are
Hi, my name is Jeremy.
Vibrate, vibrate.
What? It's not like phones ring anymore.
I was just packing up my stuff for my trip back home to New York when my phone went off.
The caller id read "Edson."
ME: Hey there, mister. You calling to tell me all my plants are dead?
EDSON: He knows.
Instantly, my breath disappears. I'm mid-breath and then--
ME: What?
EDSON: Edward. He knows.
ME: About--?
EDOSN: Everything.
This is not what I wanted to be hearing with an open suitcase staring back at me.
ME: What should we do?
EDSON: We aren't going to do anything. I'm taking care of it.
ME: Ed--
EDSON: If you could just stay in Rhode Island for a little while longer, that would be great.
ME: But--
EDSON: Please, Jeremy, for me. I need to work this out and I can't do that with you here.
Jackson poked his head into the bedroom.
JACKSON: Get a move on. We have to be at the train station by five.
EDSON: Just stay there and I'll call you when it's okay to come back. If it's ever okay.
ME: If?
JACKSON: Jeremy what's wrong?
ME: I'll be out in a minute!
I shut the door.
ME: You can't tell me I have to say here!
EDSON: Do whatever you want. Just please don't come back here.
ME: Where else would I go?
EDSON: Jeremy, you lived in Rhode Island for over twenty years. Will it really kill you to stay there for a few extra days?
Then the line went dead.
Will it kill me?
Clearly, Edson doesn't know Providence that well.
Vibrate, vibrate.
What? It's not like phones ring anymore.
I was just packing up my stuff for my trip back home to New York when my phone went off.
The caller id read "Edson."
ME: Hey there, mister. You calling to tell me all my plants are dead?
EDSON: He knows.
Instantly, my breath disappears. I'm mid-breath and then--
ME: What?
EDSON: Edward. He knows.
ME: About--?
EDOSN: Everything.
This is not what I wanted to be hearing with an open suitcase staring back at me.
ME: What should we do?
EDSON: We aren't going to do anything. I'm taking care of it.
ME: Ed--
EDSON: If you could just stay in Rhode Island for a little while longer, that would be great.
ME: But--
EDSON: Please, Jeremy, for me. I need to work this out and I can't do that with you here.
Jackson poked his head into the bedroom.
JACKSON: Get a move on. We have to be at the train station by five.
EDSON: Just stay there and I'll call you when it's okay to come back. If it's ever okay.
ME: If?
JACKSON: Jeremy what's wrong?
ME: I'll be out in a minute!
I shut the door.
ME: You can't tell me I have to say here!
EDSON: Do whatever you want. Just please don't come back here.
ME: Where else would I go?
EDSON: Jeremy, you lived in Rhode Island for over twenty years. Will it really kill you to stay there for a few extra days?
Then the line went dead.
Will it kill me?
Clearly, Edson doesn't know Providence that well.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Lunch with Mom
Hi, my name is Jackson.
JOAN: I'm so happy we could spend some quality time together.
ME: Are you still having trouble telling Jeremy and me apart after twenty-seven years?
JOAN: Hahaha why do you always insist that I like your brother more than I like you?
ME: Because when we were born you took him home and left me at the hospital with a note that said 'Careful with This One.'
JOAN: You never could let go of the past.
ME: What is it you want, Mom?
She leaned over her two pieces of lettuce and whispered to me.
JOAN: I want to find a way to keep your brother here.
ME: That's it?
JOAN: He keeps talking about leaving.
ME: That's what he says, but trust me, Mom, he's not going anywhere.
JOAN: Are you sure?
ME: Wouldn't he have left already?
VOICE: Well hello!
We both turned to see Jeremy walking into the restaurant.
He sat down next to us. I wondered if this was part of Mom's plan.
JOAN: Sweetheart, we were just talking about you and your...plans.
JEREMY: My plans?
JOAN: Yes, as in, what are they?
ME: Mom--
JEREMY: Well, I'm leaving for New York tomorrow.
ME/MOM: What?!
JEREMY: I need to go back for at least a few weeks.
ME: What about everything that's happening with Ben? And now Billy?
JEREMY: I can't get involved with anything that has to do with Billy. I'm sure Nathan can handle this on his own.
MOM: But what about me? The Mother/Son Picnic for the East Siders Club is next weekend!
JEREMY: Mom, you're making that up.
ME: At least, we hope you are.
Joan was already tearing up.
JOAN: This is all about your father, isn't it?
JEREMY: Mom, that's--
JOAN: That's why you moved in the first place. Because of his disappearance.
ME: You mean murder.
JOAN: Jackson!
ME: Nobody just disappears. Haven't we learned that by now?
JOAN: Jeremy, darling, it was years ago. It's time to move on with your life.
JEREMY: That's what I'm doing, Mom. I just don't want to do that here. I can't. I'm sorry.
And he got up, and left.
ME: So Mom, what else do you want to talk about?
JOAN: Oh go to hell, Jackson.
Now there's the mother I know and love.
JOAN: I'm so happy we could spend some quality time together.
ME: Are you still having trouble telling Jeremy and me apart after twenty-seven years?
JOAN: Hahaha why do you always insist that I like your brother more than I like you?
ME: Because when we were born you took him home and left me at the hospital with a note that said 'Careful with This One.'
JOAN: You never could let go of the past.
ME: What is it you want, Mom?
She leaned over her two pieces of lettuce and whispered to me.
JOAN: I want to find a way to keep your brother here.
ME: That's it?
JOAN: He keeps talking about leaving.
ME: That's what he says, but trust me, Mom, he's not going anywhere.
JOAN: Are you sure?
ME: Wouldn't he have left already?
VOICE: Well hello!
We both turned to see Jeremy walking into the restaurant.
He sat down next to us. I wondered if this was part of Mom's plan.
JOAN: Sweetheart, we were just talking about you and your...plans.
JEREMY: My plans?
JOAN: Yes, as in, what are they?
ME: Mom--
JEREMY: Well, I'm leaving for New York tomorrow.
ME/MOM: What?!
JEREMY: I need to go back for at least a few weeks.
ME: What about everything that's happening with Ben? And now Billy?
JEREMY: I can't get involved with anything that has to do with Billy. I'm sure Nathan can handle this on his own.
MOM: But what about me? The Mother/Son Picnic for the East Siders Club is next weekend!
JEREMY: Mom, you're making that up.
ME: At least, we hope you are.
Joan was already tearing up.
JOAN: This is all about your father, isn't it?
JEREMY: Mom, that's--
JOAN: That's why you moved in the first place. Because of his disappearance.
ME: You mean murder.
JOAN: Jackson!
ME: Nobody just disappears. Haven't we learned that by now?
JOAN: Jeremy, darling, it was years ago. It's time to move on with your life.
JEREMY: That's what I'm doing, Mom. I just don't want to do that here. I can't. I'm sorry.
And he got up, and left.
ME: So Mom, what else do you want to talk about?
JOAN: Oh go to hell, Jackson.
Now there's the mother I know and love.
A Relationship Built on Trust
Hi, my name is Hank.
ME: Why did I agree to do this?
JEREMY: Because Ritchie is sneaky, so we need to be sneaky right back. We need to counter-sneak him. It's the right thing to do.
I've never had someone tell me I was doing the right thing while they strapped a wire to my back.
Davis set this whole thing up when Nathan told everyone that he thought Ritchie had something to do with Bart going over the deep end and Ben getting framed for involvement in the whole mess.
Did you get all that?
JACKSON: We're going to nail his ass.
JEREMY: Jackson, there's nothing to nail.
ADAM: I wouldn't say that.
JEREMY: We just want to find out why Bart was going on his show.
NATHAN: Nobody ponies up that much money for thoughts on jail.
DAVIS: Just get him to talk as quick as you can.
ME: Why? Do we only have a limited amount of recording time?
DAVIS: No, I just want to make sure we get what we need before you two start humping.
JOEY: Is all of this legal?
NATHAN: We'll worry about that later.
I'm sure that won't come back to bite us in the--
NATHAN: Do not screw this up.
ME: What am I getting out of this?
JEREMY: Our undying respect.
NATHAN: And a thousand bucks.
I didn't even hear the first part.
Ritchie was waiting for me in his office after lunch.
Unfortunately for me, he wasn't in a talking mood.
RITCHIE: Take off your pants.
ME: I was hoping we could...say things first.
Somewhere I could hear the queens groaning.
RITCHIE: Oh God.
ME: What?
RITCHIE: Is this when you lay the 'L' word on me?
M: Lesbians?
RITCHIE: Love.
ME: Love?!? No! Nooo. No no no.
RITCHIE: Great. Because that's the last thing I need. Right now I just want you, on my desk, doing awful things to me. Just avoid knocking over my Rhode Island Monthly Award.
I decided I had to take matters into my own hands.
ME: Unzip.
Literally.
RITCHIE: Ohhh Hank...
Here comes the squeeze.
RITCHIE: ...ooohhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!
I'd look away if I were you.
ME: Why were you having Bart on the show?
RITCHIE: WHAT?
ME: Why was Bart coming on the show?
RITCHIE: You set me up? I'll kill youuuaahhhh!
ME: Why was Bart coming on the show, Ritchie?
RITCHIE: He...he...
ME: Spit it out or I start to pull!
RITCHIE: HE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH BILLY!
I dropped...well...it.
Billy?
RITCHIE: Bet you weren't expecting that.
The question is--was anybody else?
ME: Why did I agree to do this?
JEREMY: Because Ritchie is sneaky, so we need to be sneaky right back. We need to counter-sneak him. It's the right thing to do.
I've never had someone tell me I was doing the right thing while they strapped a wire to my back.
Davis set this whole thing up when Nathan told everyone that he thought Ritchie had something to do with Bart going over the deep end and Ben getting framed for involvement in the whole mess.
Did you get all that?
JACKSON: We're going to nail his ass.
JEREMY: Jackson, there's nothing to nail.
ADAM: I wouldn't say that.
JEREMY: We just want to find out why Bart was going on his show.
NATHAN: Nobody ponies up that much money for thoughts on jail.
DAVIS: Just get him to talk as quick as you can.
ME: Why? Do we only have a limited amount of recording time?
DAVIS: No, I just want to make sure we get what we need before you two start humping.
JOEY: Is all of this legal?
NATHAN: We'll worry about that later.
I'm sure that won't come back to bite us in the--
NATHAN: Do not screw this up.
ME: What am I getting out of this?
JEREMY: Our undying respect.
NATHAN: And a thousand bucks.
I didn't even hear the first part.
Ritchie was waiting for me in his office after lunch.
Unfortunately for me, he wasn't in a talking mood.
RITCHIE: Take off your pants.
ME: I was hoping we could...say things first.
Somewhere I could hear the queens groaning.
RITCHIE: Oh God.
ME: What?
RITCHIE: Is this when you lay the 'L' word on me?
M: Lesbians?
RITCHIE: Love.
ME: Love?!? No! Nooo. No no no.
RITCHIE: Great. Because that's the last thing I need. Right now I just want you, on my desk, doing awful things to me. Just avoid knocking over my Rhode Island Monthly Award.
I decided I had to take matters into my own hands.
ME: Unzip.
Literally.
RITCHIE: Ohhh Hank...
Here comes the squeeze.
RITCHIE: ...ooohhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!
I'd look away if I were you.
ME: Why were you having Bart on the show?
RITCHIE: WHAT?
ME: Why was Bart coming on the show?
RITCHIE: You set me up? I'll kill youuuaahhhh!
ME: Why was Bart coming on the show, Ritchie?
RITCHIE: He...he...
ME: Spit it out or I start to pull!
RITCHIE: HE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH BILLY!
I dropped...well...it.
Billy?
RITCHIE: Bet you weren't expecting that.
The question is--was anybody else?
A Check You Can Cash
Hi, my name is Ritchie.
KATE: There's someone here to see you.
ME: Is it about the show we did on dalmatians? Because I specifically said we couldn't prove that they give you cancer.
KATE: It's your friend Nathan.
"Friend" is a strong word.
Nathan looked a little beat up.
ME: I thought Ben was the convict.
NATHAN: He hasn't been convicted of anything.
ME: But it doesn't look good. I'm doing a show with his lawyer on Friday.
NATHAN: In other news, he'll be getting a new lawyer.
ME: It's a media circus, Nathan. Don't fight it.
NATHAN: And just when will you be doing a show on the check you made out to Bart?
I knew he wasn't going to let this go.
ME: Nathan, there wasn't anything behind that.
NATHAN: So you always write checks to people you haven't seen over five years?
ME: Bart was going to come on my show. The check was an advance on an appearance fee.
NATHAN: Why was he coming on the show?
ME: That's confidential.
NATHAN: Why? Are you planning to dig him up for sweeps week?
If only I could...
ME: He was going to talk about life in prison. His sordid past. He was even going to comment on Jeremy's book.
NATHAN: That's it? No big reveal? No twist.
ME: If I told you about it, it wouldn't be a twist now, would it?
NATHAN: What are you saying?
ME: I'm saying I may go public with what Bart was going to announce on the show.
NATHAN: And does that have anything to do with Ben?
ME: I guess you'll have to watch and find out.
Nathan closed the door to my office.
NATHAN: Or you could show a little kindness.
ME: Kindness begins under my desk, Nathan.
NATHAN: You're disgusting.
ME: What's the matter? Afraid I might not be able to afford you?
I saw his face go pale.
ME: Did I mention I don't have anyone for Monday's show yet?
Something tells me Nathan's price was going to be a lot lower than Bart's.
KATE: There's someone here to see you.
ME: Is it about the show we did on dalmatians? Because I specifically said we couldn't prove that they give you cancer.
KATE: It's your friend Nathan.
"Friend" is a strong word.
Nathan looked a little beat up.
ME: I thought Ben was the convict.
NATHAN: He hasn't been convicted of anything.
ME: But it doesn't look good. I'm doing a show with his lawyer on Friday.
NATHAN: In other news, he'll be getting a new lawyer.
ME: It's a media circus, Nathan. Don't fight it.
NATHAN: And just when will you be doing a show on the check you made out to Bart?
I knew he wasn't going to let this go.
ME: Nathan, there wasn't anything behind that.
NATHAN: So you always write checks to people you haven't seen over five years?
ME: Bart was going to come on my show. The check was an advance on an appearance fee.
NATHAN: Why was he coming on the show?
ME: That's confidential.
NATHAN: Why? Are you planning to dig him up for sweeps week?
If only I could...
ME: He was going to talk about life in prison. His sordid past. He was even going to comment on Jeremy's book.
NATHAN: That's it? No big reveal? No twist.
ME: If I told you about it, it wouldn't be a twist now, would it?
NATHAN: What are you saying?
ME: I'm saying I may go public with what Bart was going to announce on the show.
NATHAN: And does that have anything to do with Ben?
ME: I guess you'll have to watch and find out.
Nathan closed the door to my office.
NATHAN: Or you could show a little kindness.
ME: Kindness begins under my desk, Nathan.
NATHAN: You're disgusting.
ME: What's the matter? Afraid I might not be able to afford you?
I saw his face go pale.
ME: Did I mention I don't have anyone for Monday's show yet?
Something tells me Nathan's price was going to be a lot lower than Bart's.
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