The Stepfather

Hi, my name is Jackson.

PAIGE: Bad news.
ME: Did you double book your bed again tonight, Paige.
PAIGE: No, Chris is here.

She was referring to our stepfather.

The one who wants to kill me.

I knew I shouldn't have let Mom stay so long. She's like a magnet for crazy people.

ME: Where is he?
PAIGE: In the living room.
ME: Is he packing?
PAIGE: When is he not?
ME: Where's Mom?
PAIGE: She crawled out the fire escape leaving her children to die by her husband's hand.

Am I surprised?

Not at all.

ME: Text Jeremy and tell him not to come home. Then you go out the fire escape.
PAIGE: I can't leave you here!
ME: Paige, listen to me, if I die--someone has to kill Mom.
PAIGE: Good point.

I went into the living room to see Chris sitting on the couch.

CHRIS: Hello son.
ME: Hey Pop, how you been?
CHRIS: Real good. Finally beat that double homicide rap.

Damn the American Justice System.

CHRIS: Where's your Mom?
ME: She bailed. I'm sure if you threw yourself out the window you could still land on her.
CHRIS: Still got that smart mouth.
ME: You bet.
CHRIS: Question is: do you have my money?

I had given my mother drugs so that she would be in the right frame of mind to supply the funds I needed for my fantastic lifestyle.

It just so happened that money belonged to Chris.

ME: That money's long gone, Chris.
CHRIS: That's not exactly what I wanted to hear.

He got up and before I knew it, he was grabbing the back of my neck.

CHRIS: I guess I'm going to have to--
VOICE: Hi Chris.

We both spun around to see Jeremy standing there with Hank and Billy.

JEREMY: Have you met our boyfriends?
CHRIS: I could care less what you little fags do. All I care about is retribution.
JEREMY: It was just money. We're family, aren't we?
CHRIS: Considering this--

He held out a piece of paper, and let it fall to the floor.

CHRIS: I'd say money just moved up.

I picked it up.

Divorce papers.

Chris was divorcing Mom.

Part of me was happy, then the other part of me informed the first part that the divorce meant I was now eligible to be thrown into the nearest river by my former stepfather.

JEREMY: Sad to see you go, Chris.
CHRIS: I doubt that.
JEREMY: Then you doubt right.
BILLY: It was nice to meet you, but you should head out now.
HANK: We already called the police.
CHRIS: You're lying.

That was when we heard sirens.

ME: Guess it's time to head out, Chris.

He looked around, then smiled at me.

CHRIS: This isn't over, Jackson.

Isn't that what all the bad guys say?

The Other Trick

Hi, my name is Ben.

BILLY: Can I help you?

I'm seducing Billy...again.

BILLY: Tell me you're not here to seduce me.

Except this time it's not because I want him.

ME: I'm not actually, but I wouldn't mind chatting for a second.

I want his boyfriend.

BILLY: I'm only letting you in out of curiosity.

I won't even touch that one.

I walked into Jeremy's apartment. It seemed quiet.

Excellent.

ME: Where's Jeremy?
BILLY: He's at Davis' having a movie night. Jackson is at Hank's. Paige is God knows where.
ME: And it's cool for you to be here by yourself?
BILLY: Yeah, why wouldn't it be?
ME: You don't really live here.
BILLY: Nobody seems to mind.

I was going to have to act fast. If he was already comfortable enough to hang around the apartment by himself, things were already too serious.

ME: So how are things between you two?
BILLY: They're great. Why are you here?

Since I knew going after Jeremy would be too obvious--both to him and my cross to bear, Nathan--I was going to have to end Jeremy's relationship by going after Billy.

Thank God none of us are straight--otherwise this wouldn't even be an option.

ME: I would like to have a sexual relationship with you.

Here goes nothing.

BILLY: I'm sorry?
ME: Nathan can no longer--Well, he can, but he--it's tricky.
BILLY: So you want me to be your sexual surrogate?
ME: Sort of. I mean, we're already familiar--
BILLY: I am not a restaurant you went to a few times, Ben. I am not Applebee's!
ME: True, but I have needs, Billy.
BILLY: Then find someone else to fill them! Because I am with Jeremy now. And even if I wasn't, your suggestion--

That was when I grabbed by the back of the neck.

BILLY: What are you doing?
ME: You may have won Jeremy over by flashing your shiny halo at him, but I know the real you. I know the boy who likes to bad.
BILLY: You don't know anything.
ME: Oh yeah? Then why haven't you pulled away yet?

I might have had him had the door to the apartment not started to open. Billy pushed me away, and Jackson and Hank walked into the room.

JACKSON: Well what do we have here? Entertaining Billy?
HANK: Who's watching Nathan, Ben?
ME: I got him a baby-sitter. Nice girl from across the street.
BILLY: Ben stopped by to ask me a favor. I said 'No.' Now he's leaving.
JACKSON: What was the favor?

Billy looked at me. If he told them what it was, it would mean he was through with his nasty streak, and I'd be screwed.

If he didn't, it meant--

BILLY: He wanted something I used to have that I don't have anymore.

We're in business.

The Reason to Stay

Hi, my name is Davis.

JEREMY: So technically I'm not allowed to be here?
ME: No, you're DEFINITELY not allowed to be here.

Jeremy came over to watch a movie at my place. Travis, my boyfriend, wants me to stop hanging out with the CBQ's, but I think Jeremy should be an exception since he's not nearly as catty or bitchy as the other gays...or me, for that matter.

JEREMY: I'm confused.
ME: Hey, you're the one who wanted to rent a David Lynch movie.
JEREMY: I was referring to you and Travis. Are you actually happy with him?
ME: I'm never happy with anyone. Only mildly amused.
JEREMY: So why is he still around?

I decided to show Jeremy my reason to stay.

Sitting on my coffee table was a phone number. I handed it to Jeremy.

JEREMY: Is this the other guy you call when Travis is out of town?
ME: No, that's Skyler's number.

Jeremy immediately hit the Pause button on the remote control.

JEREMY: Skyler? The kidnapper?
ME: More importantly, the money stealer.
JEREMY: I'm so glad that's the part you remember.
ME: I'm upset that he kidnap you. But you're back and safe, and my money is still being held hostage.

Jeremy took the number and stood up.

ME: Don't go too far with that.
JEREMY: Davis, what are you going to do?
ME: I'm going to call and see if he wants to go out for pizza.
JEREMY: What does that number have to do with Travis?
ME: Travis tracked down Skyler.
JEREMY: How?
ME: I don't know. He's rich. Rich people make things happen. I should know, I used to be one of them.
JEREMY: So what are you going to do?
ME: With the number you mean? I already did it.
JEREMY: Did what?
ME: Called him.

It was a sweet slice of pie, let me tell you.

VOICEMAIL: Hi, leave a message.
ME: Hi Skyler, this is Davis. Look behind you. Keep looking. Pretty soon I'll be there when you turn around. Later.

Beep

Told you. Pie, right?

Jeremy looked really upset. Not the reaction I was expecting.

JEREMY: Davis, please leave this alone.
ME: Jeremy, the guy conned us and almost killed you!
JEREMY: And now he's gone. Let's just let him be gone, okay?
ME: Not okay. Because of him I have to have a sugar daddy or I'd be eating mac and cheese in my parents' basement!

I got up and went into the kitchen. I was already done with this conversation.

Jeremy followed me.

JEREMY: So what's the plan?
ME: What do you care?
JEREMY: I care about you.
ME: Then stay out of my way.
JEREMY: Hey!

He stepped in front of me.

JEREMY: You don't talk that way to me. I'm not some guy you know.
ME: You don't know what it's like to have your entire life taken away from you. That's what Skyler did to me. And I'm going to get it back--with interest.
JEREMY: He's dangerous.
ME: Not as dangerous as me.
JEREMY: You or Travis?
ME: Travis is just the facilitator. Once I get my money back, he's gone.
JEREMY: And what if Skyler spent the money?
ME: Then there's going to be one more hooker downtown until he earns it back for me.
JEREMY: You're kidding.
ME: You think.

I went back into the living room and sat down on the couch. Jeremy was still standing in the kitchen doorway looking nervous.

Poor kid.

He worries too much.

The Producer

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

ME: I have a proposition.
RITCHIE: Jeremy, you have a boyfriend now.
ME: Not THAT kind of a proposition.
RITCHIE: Oh, sorry. Carry on.

I had gathered all of the boys together at the Cheesecake Factory to talk to them about my idea.

ME: Over the summer, I've been thinking a lot about producing a show.
CARTER: By yourself?
ME: Well, help would be appreciated. That's why I've asked you all here.
HANK: I thought we were going to talk about our feelings?
CARTER: I feel confused.
HANK: Fascinating stuff, Carter.

Billy raised his hand.

ME: Yes, cutie?
DAVIS: Gag me.
RITCHIE: Buy my dinner first.
ME: Billy has the coconut...pie...slice.
BILLY: Thanks. I was wondering what show you want to do?
JACKSON: Judging by how he's been acting lately, probably Billy the Musical.
CARTER: Billy Elliot?
ME: I want to do Angels in America.

There was a silence.

DAVIS: Isn't that a little...
RITCHIE: Insane?
DAVIS: I was going to say 'ambitious,' but 'insane' has a nice ring to it.

I knew this was coming.

ME: I can do a stripped down production. Very minimal.
HANK: You mean cheap?
ME: I mean artistic.
ALL: Cheap.
ME: So none of you are going to support me.
BILLY: I'll support you, babe.
ME: Thank you.
BILLY: I get to play Prior, right?

And another theatrical adventure begins...

Meet Adam

Hi, my name is Adam.

PAIGE: Don't you--
ME: Stop!

This is my best friend, Paige.

ME: You are a plane crashing into a train falling into the ocean.
PAIGE: I only sang two words.
ME: I needed you to stop at word one.

I'm helping her with her song for class tomorrow using support and encouragement.

PAIGE: What do you suggest I do?
ME: End your life?

I'm rather honest.

Knock, knock.

JEREMY: Paige?
PAIGE: Jeremy, I'm practicing.
JEREMY: Sorry, but I think Mom might have attempted suicide again.
PAIGE: Don't worry. I replaced all her pills with Flintstone vitamins.
JEREMY: Okay then, carry on.
ME: Aren't you going to say hi?
JEREMY: I'm sorry, who are you?

Paige laughed.

PAIGE: Adam, you met Jackson last time. This is Jeremy.
JEREMY: You didn't tell him you had twin brothers.
PAIGE: Ew, no. People get creeped out by that.

I was little creeped out--not gonna lie.

JEREMY: I'm Jeremy.
ME: I'm Adam.
JEREMY: You're not going too hard on my sister, are you?
ME: Not at all.
JEREMY: Haha, good. Nice to meet you.

He walked off.

ME: Alright, Paige. Try not to suck this time.

Paige flopped down on her bed.

PAIGE: I'm bored. Want to go out?
ME: I'm not in the mood.
PAIGE: I'll drive and buy you pancakes afterwards.
ME: I'll get my coat.

We head off to Prisms for karaoke night. Once we were there, I started getting hit on by this hot guy.

ME: Coming out tonight? Great idea.
PAIGE: I know that guy you were talking to.
ME: Is his name Adam's Future Husband?
PAIGE: No, it's Ritchie. He's my brother's friend.
ME: Is he nice?
PAIGE: None of my brother's friends are nice.
ME: Whatev's. He's cute.

Ritchie came over and asked me if I needed a ride home.

PAIGE: Actually, your stuff is still at my house so--
ME: Burn it. Later.
PAIGE: Bye.

When we got back to Ritchie's place, he asked if he could take a shower.

Coincidentally, I also needed a shower.

There we were--making out, shampooing, trying to make sure we both got equal amounts of water.

Then--

VOICE: Ritchie, did you get soda before--Oh my God!
RITCHIE: Joey!
JOEY: Sorry! So sorry!

His roommate had wandered into the bathroom, but ran back out again.

RITCHIE: Sorry that was roommate.
ME: Oh, it's totally okay.

Actually, it was more than okay.

His roommate was really cute.

I made a mental note to remember his name.

And to ask Paige about him.

Hank Gets a Visit

Hi, my name is Hank.

JOAN: Hello Hank.

This bitch scares the s**t out of me.

JOAN: May I come in?
ME: Sure. I haven't hung that crucifix yet, so you should be alright.

Joan is my boyfriend's Mom. Jackson warned me about being around her without him there to supervise, but he was going to be coming over in a--

JOAN: Jackson's not coming.

F**k me.

ME: Is something wrong?
JOAN: Yes, somebody slashed his tires.

That was when I noticed the knife sticking out of her purse.

ME: I'm sure it was a random thug who has since disappeared forever.

Joan smiled. Her smile in some way resembles a wolf devouring a deer.

JOAN: I'd like to have a private conversation with you, Hank.
ME: Joan, if this is about Jackson, I don't think I should be talking to you.
JOAN: Oh, but it's not about Jackson. It's about you.
ME: Me?
JOAN: Yes, Hank. I'd like you to stop seeing my son.

I was a little surprised. Joan didn't seem like the type of mother who cares about who her son dates. She seems to care more about who Christina's dating on Grey's Anatomy.

ME: If you think I'm bad for him--
JOAN: It's not personal, Hank. It's just that I think he and I have the relationship we have because we don't get to spend enough time together.
ME: I thought you had the relationship you had because of the restraining order?
JOAN: Common misconception.
ME: So what is it you want me to do?
JOAN: Hold off on this whole dating thing for awhile. He needs to focus on himself.
ME: And you?
JOAN: Hank, I'm his mother. He needs me.
ME: I think he just needs you to leave him alone.

I went to the door and opened it.

JOAN: Hank, I'm asking nicely, because you seem like a nice boy. And I'd like to continue being nice to you.

Every time she said 'nice,' I saw her hand form a claw.

ME: You don't have to be nice to me. After today I don't plan on being nice to you.
JOAN: So you're going to keep seeing Jackson?
ME: Yup. And I plan on telling him that you ordered me to back off.
JOAN: Oh, don't bother.

She walked past me.

JOAN: I'll tell him myself.

She walked away and I shut the door.

That was when I remembered the second thing Jackson told me--

Don't be alone with Joan, and don't become her enemy.

Ritchie and the Ghost

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

ME: Hi honey, I'm home.

I have a dead roommate.

JOEY: I made cookies.
ME: For dinner?
JOEY: No, just cause.
ME: Maybe I need to explain dinner to you.
JOEY: I also bought liquor.
ME: Never mind. That can be dinner.

Joey has been living here all summer trying to keep a low profile--you know, since most of our friends think he was poisoned and died in an IHOP.

ME: So are we ever planning on telling anyone that you're okay?
JOEY: I can't now! Everyone will hate me for pretending to be dead.
ME: Oh, come on! People do it on One Life to Live all the time.

Joey knew somebody was after him, so he faked his own death, and paid an intern in a lab coat twenty bucks to announce his death to all of us in the hospital.

He gave his family a heads up, and that was it.

Once all the craziness was over, he decided to pop by my apartment and announce that he was okay.

I took it pretty well.

JOEY: My arm still hurts where you punched me.

Okay, maybe not THAT well.

ME: Well eventually you're going to have to come out. At least this time, you won't be drunk and fifteen.
JOEY: Good point.

He went back into the kitchen. I went into my room to check the Wilde Blog. Now that it was being run by someone new, it had gotten a lot more clever.

WILDE BLOG: BREAKING DEVELOPMENT! The dead may be rising here in Providence. Somebody we all presumed to be singing with the angels in Heaven may actually be back with us sinners down here on Earth. Deets to come.

I felt my mouth drop.

JOEY: Ritchie, do you want a cookie?
ME: No, sweetheart. Tonight I think we're going to need to start with the vodka.

And I was going to need to find out who the new Wilde is.