I'll Leave You With This

Hi, my name is Joey.

DAVIS: Anyone wishing to throw up later on should follow the designated arrows to various restrooms throughout the building.

It's my birthday.

Davis is throwing me a huge party at his apartment.

Everyone's in attendance--Jeremy, Ben, Nathan, Carter, Hank, Billy, Eli, and Cal.

The only person missing is--

ME: Where's Ritchie?

That's when Jeremy explained that Ritchie had taken off for life on tour.

HANK: Lucky bitch.
CARTER: I got a text from him a little while ago. He said he left you a funny message on youtube and we should all check it out.
ME: On youtube?

Was it of a fat cat dancing with a Mexican hat on?

DAVIS: Let's fire up the laptop then.

We all sat down around the couch and Davis went to the link Ritchie had texted Carter. In a few seconds, there was Ritchie, up on the computer.

RITCHIE: Hey everybody!

He was on what appeared to be a train--

RITCHIE: I'm on a train.

See? I was right.

RITCHIE: I just wanted to make sure that before I left Providence for good, I got to say exactly what I wanted--along with a big old Happy Birthday to Joey.

Wait, what was that about--

RITCHIE: First off, Carter.
CARTER: Me?
RITCHIE: If my urine starts burning anytime soon, I'll know why. Curb the whoring, sweetie, or at least keep it limited to the people who are actually attractive.
HANK: Whoa.
RITCHIE: Hank, look on the bright side of things. I know it's going to be hard now that you can't milk the 'I'm in the closet thing.'
HANK: I'm going to cut that bitch.
RITCHIE: Eli, you're a big gay. But everyone already knows that.
ELI: Get in line, Hank.
RITCHIE: Nathan, Joey and Billy are both in love with you. Jeremy, Davis is in love with you. Ben, everyone thinks you're a shithead and nobody buys that you've changed your ways.

Oh...no...

RITCHIE: So yeah, have a great birthday, Joey. Oh, big P.S., and this is for you Davis, Carter and Joey and I all had a threeway recently and Joey told us that you use too much teeth when you--

I slammed the laptop shut. I might have fractured the screen, but I really didn't care.

There was awkward silence.

JEREMY: He gave me my good-bye earlier.

Happy birthday to me.