The Eviction Notice

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

JACKSON: Is this about the new living situation?

This is my family.

PAIGE: Please tell me you're kicking Billy out.

JOAN: Oh Paige--

JACKSON: And her.

JOAN: Jackson!

JACKSON: Mom, too.

I was hoping that Billy living with me would mean we'd see more of each other, but I didn't count on the fact that we'd never be alone.

But that's about to change.

ME: So I guess I don't have to remind all of you that my name is the only name on the lease.

PAIGE: But didn't you and Jackson move in at the same time?

JACKSON: I don't deal with leases. You never know when you're going to need to bail in the middle of the night.

ME: Exactly. Which is why I have the power to do what I'm about to do.

JOAN: Which is?

Deep breath.

ME: I'm kicking you all out.

Silence.

JACKSON: ...Hahaha...

PAIGE: You're serious, aren't you?

JACKSON: HahaHAHA!

JOAN: And here I thought Jackson was the sociopath.

JACKSON: HAHAHA!

Jackson stood up.

JACKSON: You can't do this.

ME: Jackson, Billy and I want to live together without there being people around all the time.

JACKSON: Then get a bubble. Get a biosphere! But you're not kicking me out of my apartment!

ME: It's not your apartment. Your name--

JACKSON: Fuck my name! Fuck the lease! And fuck you! I'm staying!

He walked into his room and slammed the door.

PAIGE: Um...ditto.

She walked into her room and slammed the door.

JOAN: Give it a week, Jeremy. You'll be begging for us to come back.

That's my mother for you.

The most unconvincing liar I know.

Get a Room

Hi, my name is Adam.

PAIGE: So now I only get to write half the articles!

Paige is droning on about something. I'm over it.

ME: I'm over it.
PAIGE: Can't you be invested in my life?
ME: Is that guy wearing a salmon on his shirt?
PAIGE: Apparently not.

We were at Nathan's School Transfer Party at Jeremy and Jackson's apartment.

The one nice thing about college is that there's always an excuse to party.

Joey had been flirting with me all night.

ME: I think he wants to get back together.
PAIGE: I don't know if that's such a good idea.
ME: But writing a blog where you almost get both your brothers killed is?
PAIGE: Vaya con dios, Adam.

I saw Joey going down the hallway towards Jeremy's room. This could be our big reunion.

So I made my way to Jeremy's room, knocked, and walked in--

JOEY: Ah!

There was Joey--and Davis.

ME: Uh...
DAVIS: Uh...shut the door? Thanks.

It's official.

I hate my life.

Bounce

Hi, my name is Hank.

JEREMY: Davis, didn't you learn your lesson the last time?

Jeremy and I went to Slice to meet Davis, who was throwing a big party to celebrate him reassuming his role as owner.

ADAM: I'm a mess right now.

DAVIS: Who served him in here? I could get fined!

PAIGE: He pre-gamed.

DAVIS: Oh...carry on.

There was a noise coming from the door of the club. Jeremy, Davis, and I walked over to see what it was.

Apparently Liam and Setter had showed up, and Carter was trying to tussle with them.

DAVIS: Carter, you're screwing with my opening!

CARTER: Davis, if you're my friend you won't let them in.

DAVIS: Number one, I'm not your friend. Number two, if they have a working credit card, I might even forget your name.

I didn't want to, but I had to speak up.

ME: Davis, they're only coming in here to spy for Prisms.

DAVIS: How do you know that?

ME: I was there last night and I heard Liam talking with the owner.

LIAM: You're a lying bitch.

Uh--what?

I picked up Liam and threw him four feet into the street. Setter looked at me, I raised my eyebrows, and he ran.

JEREMY: Whoa.

ME: It wasn't the bitch part that made me mad. I don't like being called a liar--when I haven't lied, anyway.

Davis was smiling in a weird sort of way.

ME: What?

DAVIS: I think I just met my new Head Bouncer.

ME: You think I would be a bouncer at this sketchy little homo-trash can?

DAVIS: I'll pay you in cash and you can drink for free.

ME: I'll start tomorrow. Is there a uniform?

Looks like I got myself a new profession.

Everybody's a Writer

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

PAIGE: Hey Ritchie!

I'm about to get a new job.

ME: Hello Wilde.

It's always a refreshing change to see that little smile fall off Paige's face.

I told her that I wanted to meet up with her in the Fishbowl in the morning to talk about a new show I plan on producing.

I didn't tell her it's called "You're F**ked, Paige: The Story of How Ritchie Became a Writer."

She went into spin mode immediately--probably something else she learned from Jackson.

PAIGE: Ritchie, what are you talking about?
ME: You've been writing the Wilde Blog since the beginning of last summer.
PAIGE: That's insane!
ME: Oh, is it?

I held up a printed copy of the Wilde Blog's latest entry--posted the night before at 2am. It was all about a hot new guy named Mike Motella sleeping his way around town.

PAIGE: It's about Mike Motella--so what?
ME: There is no Mike Motella.
PAIGE: Um...what?
ME: I called Adam last night and told him about this HOT new guy Mike Motella--the newest super slut in Providence. An hour later, a blog was posted about him. I checked with Adam this morning, and he said that after we talked, you were the only person he called to spread my misinformation too. So, unless another person is writing for Wilde and came up with the same fictitious story involving the same name, you're Wilde.
PAIGE: Hahahahaha--okay, what do you want?
ME: I wonder what your brothers would say if they knew you printed the article that almost got us killed in New Hampshire.
PAIGE: I had to do it! It was my journalistic responsibility.
ME: This from the girl who just this morning posted something with the title 'Guess Who Caught the Clap in Cabo?'

Paige looked behind her. Some freshman were walking to class. Any minute someone could walk in and I could expose her.

Ah, power--it's like my Redbull.

PAIGE: What can I do to make this go away?

I extended my hand.

ME: Shake.
PAIGE: Shake?
ME: Yes, Paige. Shake the hand of your new partner.

You know what they say--

The blog is mightier...

The Beautiful Trap

Hi, my name is Billy.

JACKSON: I need your help.

Welcome to my trap.

Ever since I became a permanent resident of Jeremy's apartment, he's been trying to find a way to get me out.

Now whenever we're alone in the apartment together--like now--I get a little curious as to how he's going to try and trap me.

ME: Do you need me to push you out a window?
JACKSON: Maybe 'help' was the wrong word. I need your opinion.

He was standing in his room in front of a mirror.

JACKSON: What do you think?

His jeans dropped to the floor.

ME: I think you need to invest in better belts.
JACKSON: My underwear.
ME: I'm very grateful for it.
JACKSON: Is that a thumbs up?

He picked up a pair of boxer briefs off his bed. This was when I noticed that there was a small pile there.

ME: I'm a little confused.
JACKSON: It's pretty simple. You're a gay man. I figured you could tell me which of these look the best.

Was this the best he could do? Flash me some cute underwear and hope that I hit on him so that he can rat me out to my brother?

There was probably a camera tucked between the CK's and the 2xist's.

ME: I think I'll pass.
JACKSON: Oh, come on. People try on clothes for their friends all the time.
ME: The word 'clothes' doesn't really seem appropriate in this case.
JACKSON: Don't you want us to be friends, Jackson?
ME: It wouldn't really break my heart if we were just acquaintances.

Jackson laughed.

JACKSON: Scared you're going to get a little--enthusiastic?

A challenge, huh?

Well, I do love a good challenge.

ME: Let's do this.

It was horrible.

You have to remember, Jackson is identical to Jeremy, a boy I love very much, but who is nowhere NEAR as sexual as his brother.

Something about Jackson in tiny underwear just--

JACKSON: All done.

I felt like I'd just been pummeled--and I didn't entirely hate it.

ME: Great. I like the green pair with the stripes best. Can I go now?
JACKSON: Sure.

I went back into Jeremy's room, and immediately took off my clothes. I laid down on the bed and imagined Jackson and those stripes and--

Knock, knock.

I threw on my pants and opened the door--a fresh layer of sweat still covering my body.

JACKSON: Need any help?
ME: Nice try.

I slammed the door.

This was going to be harder than I thought.

Cheesecake News

Hi, my name is Nathan.

BEN: Is there a reason I have to be here for this?

I've called a meeting.

HANK: Hey, at least we have an excuse to eat cheesecake.

A meeting at the Factory.

All the CBQ's were in attendance. This was, after all, a life-altering move on my part.

ME: I've called you all here today, because I will no longer be attending Ocean State.

Instant ruckus--perfect.

BEN: You know, as cheap ploys to get attention go, this isn't all that original.

CARTER: Yeah, I've dropped out, like, tons of times.

ME: Oh, but I'm not dropping out. I'm transferring.

Jackson stood up.

JACKSON: Don't you think as my boyfriend, I should have been made aware of this.

ME: Jackson, we're just friends with benefits.

JACKSON: Yeah, and those benefits don't come with a long distance policy.

BILLY: Does this mean one less person using the bathroom in the morning?

JACKSON: Shut up, Billy!

JEREMY: Everybody, calm down! No wonder Nathan wants to get out of here. I'd transfer if I had more than five months left to go.

Ah, Jeremy. Always the voice of the reason. Always so sweet and--

DAVIS: So Nathan, where you headed?

I smiled.

ME: Well, I'm sure my boyfriend will be happy to know I'll be staying in the same city.

RITCHIE: Wait, you mean--

ME: That's right.

Rhode Island College, here I come.

Introducing Mr. C

Hi, my name is Carter.

VOICE: Hey Carter, I saw your video on the Internet.

Ugh, I've been getting calls like this all week.

Ever since Liam and Setter tricked me into performing a striptease on a cam, I've been on every computer in Rhode Island.

VOICE: I was wondering if you'd like to do something a little bit more...professional.

At first I was going to say 'No,' but then he quoted me a price.

VOICE: So what do you say?

...Eeee...

I showed up at this guy's apartment. There was only one camera guy, and another guy laying on a bed wearing a football jersey.

DIRECTOR: Don't worry; he's almost done.
ME: Then my turn?
DIRECTOR: Well, your turn and his. He's going again.
ME: Wait, I thought I was doing this alone.
DIRECTOR: No offense, but everybody's already seen you do it alone.
ME: I don't know about this.
DIRECTOR: Don't worry. It's all simulation--except for when he pours the mustard on you.

I should have bailed, but jersey guy was kind of hot...

...and I really like mustard.

DIRECTOR: By the way, what name do you want to use?
ME: Umm...

A good fake name where nobody will know it's me.

ME: How about Mr. C?

Yeah, that sounds like a movie star.